I am seeking some of the advice and comfort from others who have insight into the heck that my life has become. Because I didn't know about the plans on this site until now, I am not sure where I am or what I should do.

I am the BW (38 years old). I have been married to my WH (38 years old) for a little over 12 years. We have 3 boys ages 5, 7, and 8. My D-Day was back in November. I knew something hadn't been right, but I overlooked things since he had always been a honest and honorable man. I thought we were happy, busy, but happy. Naively, I trusted him. On D-day the OWH called me and told me about the texts he read on his wife's phone. He sent me them too. He was devastated. I am still ashamed that my husband, someone I thought of as part of me, could do this to another family.

This was no casual affair. It had lasted about 6 to 7 months. They had created quite a fantasy life where they were going to someday be married. I won't go into the details, but it was heartbreaking for me to read some of the texts between them.

Immediately my husband asked if I could forgive him and promised me he would end it. In reality, it took him about two weeks to �end it.� Even then, he did it under the pretense that he couldn't do this to his kids. He was some sort of martyr, giving her up for his family. Even though he promised that I could hear him end it, he did not allow me that. I did read her text to him after that. She was saying goodbye, but clearly did not want it to end. She even called me and apologized for her behavior. I was way too kind to her. In light of what I know now I am mad at myself for showing her forgiveness that I now know she doesn't deserve because she is still trying to reconnect with my husband! I think her �apology� was a way to give me more details in hopes that I would kick my husband out. Anyone who was sincerely sorry wouldn't be doing what she is now.

For a long time I got the �trickle truth.� from my WH. He worked very hard to minimize everything and made me work so hard to get information. He has always been very remorseful and sorry (in words). He promised me that he would tell me if she contacted him. We went to counseling and started trying to rebuild. I was willing to take responsibility for not meeting all of his needs (not for the affair) and we were making progress. At first I asked him daily, then occasionally, if she had tried to contact him. He always assured me no. About three months ago he broke down and told me he had lied about her contacting him. He told me that she has left him voice mails and texts about once to twice a month. He says he didn't tell me because he doesn't like conflict (eye roll) and was just hoping she would stop. He swears he has never returned any. This seems to be true as he is now showing them to me and the OW seems mad that he isn't responding. It seems OWH is done, and now she wants to hold my husband accountable to all of their fantasy talk. She is sending him texts and voice mails asking him to call her to just talk or pleading with him to meet with her so she can really say goodbye. Of course I can see through this, who couldn't? My WH's answer is to ignore it. He thinks if he does nothing she will eventually stop. I tell him to send the NC letter. He always says he will, the next time... Do you send a NC this long after D-day? She is now texting or calling him about once to twice a week!

I feel like I have been working so hard to fix all of this (that I didn't do!) and he would like to pretend that it didn't happen. I have begged him to fight for us, to SHOW me that he cares for and loves me. He says he does, but doesn't always put in a lot of effort. Not what I would imagine I would do if I had it in me to devastate him the way he has me. I do feel that I know the truth now, and that he is no longer active in the A (of course I will never say never again). I don't know what to do about the OW's continued contacts. Should I call/email her? Should he? Are we even in recovery? Am I supposed to be doing Plan A? My anger has caused me to do a lot of LB's. Exposure has been done. Sorry this got a little long. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Sorry you are here, and welcome to MB.

How did your WH meet OW? What EPs has your WH put in place?

The first thing that needs to happen is that your WH needs to write a NC letter, that you approve and then YOU send. Then, HE NEEDS TO CHANGE HIS NUMBER.

This continued contact, even one sided, will keep him stuck in his foggy waywardness.

Also, click on this link for newly BS in my siggy and READ READ READ.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair(SAA)?

Even better.....trade phones and YOU answer all calls/texts with _______'s wife here....buzz off skank.

YK? You need to snoop and see why this woman is still trying to reach out to him. Is he having some contact with her to encourage her? You don't tell him you are snooping....you just do.

Oh dear, this is really bad and has to be stopped. Every time she contacts him puts him back to Day 1 of recovery. Your H is an addict who is high on the fumes of his affair. Every contact is the equivalence of another drink. Telling you about contact is utterly meaningless and I am warning you right now that if you don't put a stop to this, that he will eventually leave you for her. This has to stop, and the first step is for him to END ALL CONTACT with the OW. The fact that she is even able to get through to him tells me he does not take this seriously.

The phone has to go. He has to either change his phone # or exchange phones with you. And if she contacts him after that, he should take out a restraining order. This is the FIRST STEP in recovery from an affair, haley, and this IS NOT NEGOTIABLE. He is responsible for cutting off all contact with her and if that does not happen, then you need to separate from him.

The other thing I would strongly suggest is that you expose this affair wide and far if you haven't done so already. I would be in continuous contact with her H. Expose the affair to ALL your parents, including the OW's parents and family members. Ask them to use their influence to persuade her to leave your family alone. [facebook private messages are a great way to expose OWs]

Your children should be told all about the affair, Haley. This affects their family and they should be told the truth about the source of tension in their lives.

You really need to take STRONG action, now, before this gets worse. All of this contact has kept it harder for your marriage to recover and makes it much harder for you to cope emotionally. I am so sorry this has happened to you.

This is because he is still entrenched in this affair. Every time she contacts him puts him back to day 1 of withdrawal. And I suspect he is still seeing her because all that contact just keeps him triggered. If he is not today, it will be a matter of time.

Plan A is supposed to last THREE WEEKS for a betrayed wife and you are well beyond that. I would DEMAND that he end this contact NOW by handing over his phone and blocking her access. Otherwise, you should plan to separate. This kind of abuse is dangerous to your mental health.

They don't work together do they?

Thank you for the replies.

To answer some questions:
Yes, read SA and most everything else on here.
No, he doesen't work with her. He met her through work though. He works for a small company that did a lot of business with her work. She no longer works there, she actually quit before their PA started to pursue another career. She lives across the state from us, and he no longer goes there for work. He does still travel.

Melody, thank you for responding. I have done quite a bit of lurking on here prior to posting, and I know you know your stuff. I am afraid that my H is not taking this seriously enough too. I am in a lot of emotional pain. I have told him that I feel unsafe, and can't even start to heal. I think my H thinks I am exaggerating. He tells me he just wants her to stop, and wants nothing more to do with her. He says he is not even tempted to return contact. I think he does feel guilt for her situation, he is very ashamed of his behavior now that we all know about it. He is a conflict avoider. He is afraid of making her mad, as he feels she could do damage to his career. To be honest, that scares me too. He has worked so hard and has a very successful career. I know it isn't as important as our marriage though.
All of her contacts are to his work phone. Her husband exposed to her whole family following D-day. I have told most of my family and friends, but not my husbands. My oldest son knows, and is suffering from some anxiety.
Should he send a NC letter or just block her number?

Sorry you are here but welcome. I agree with all the advice you have already been given....

The problem with waywards is....talk is CHEAP.

The wayward TELLING you they will end it is one thing. Not enough. You've got to look at their ACTIONS.

Unless they are willing to....
~ send the NC letter
~ change all the conditions that made contact possible (change phone #, email, close social networking, leave job, etc)
....you basically have to move forward as though the A is still on.

And in your case this has already been proven to be true as they are still in contact 1-2 times weekly [that you know of!]


Sorry to say [and this is a hard concept for people to grasp] "working so hard" isn't going to get you far when there is any ongoing contact.

You need to look closely at exposure. Who have you exposed to?

My sister's brazen H's OW would NOT go away until she facebook exposed her. We have a form letter that we can post for you.

Exposing to the OW's family works in two ways, often they will put pressure on her to stop what she is doing which is very helpful, and secondly, it kills any fantasy that your H & OW may be harboring that they could one day be together and pass their relationship off as legitimate ~ that it started when he was already separated.

You sound like a very nice person, but if there is ever a time to get mean, this is it. We can help you kill this affair. Are you ready?

Haley, I am sorry you are here. You have excellent advice already, and I will just add something for you real quick tonight:

1) ABSOLUTELY send a NC letter. Your WH writes it, you approve and mail it. Keep a copy for your records.

Continued contact after the NC letter results in the restraining order filing MelodyLane mentioned earlier.

2) CHANGE THE WORK NUMBER. If at all possible, the number has to go - there needs to be no way she can contact him on that number. If that's not possible, then, yes, block her. However, the hassle of a number change is a small, small price to pay for the payoff of NC.

3) EXPOSE TO YOUR WH FAMILY AND FRIENDS!! Wow, this is huge. I'd say this is far more important than exposing to your family and friends, as exposure to his is more likely to hit key people who influence him and who will hopefully put some pressure on him to end his adulterous ways.

Also considering exposing to OW's family and friends again. Doublecheck with others on this, but I think it falls to you to defend your marriage however you can. Tell them OW is chasing after a married man, a family man, one who's already told her not to contact him anymore. Etc.

It doesn't look like you have done any exposure at work. I understand the concern over the career, and while losing that career would be merely an action your WH brought upon himself, it is an important avenue to protect. Not only can they help change WH's number, but that will also mean that many more eyes on your WH and any chances at impropriety.

As ML previously stated, your WH is foggy. He is unlikely to show any real remorse or make any lasting changes while contact is still ongoing. IT IS IMPERATIVE NC IS ESTABLISHED. Without NC, your efforts are not only wasted, but you are tormented in the process. Recovery is hard enough as it is, but asking a BS to recover while contact is still occurring is like trying to top up an hourglass with one grain of sand at a time when the rest of the sand is pouring out of the bottom. Moreover, the longer you remain in this situation, the more guaranteed you are to want nothing to do with recovery. (As is your right, I'm just reminding you that once your LB$ runs dry, it's dry. Done. If you still have love for your WH, protect it now.)

That's all for now. I'm sorry you're here, but you're in the best place you can be for this.

Her whole family needs to hear from YOU!

WHY???????

He needs to do ALL of it but he is soooo foggy, that you cannot ignore the importance of exposure haley. You need to do a complete exposure. We can help you with this step. But....can you do it?

Her parents and some of her family live outside of the country, but I know from contact with OWH that they know. I have verified this.

Yes, I can and will tell his family. I will insist on the NC letter and number change. Expose again to OW's family?

Is my husband considered to still be in an affair even if he is not active due to her contacts? I totally understand being skeptical about this. I have snooped. I have verified. I do believe him now. I do understand how easily it could restart, and the need to protect my family.

Thank you all.

Yes, unless you spoke to OW's family, you don't know WHAT they were told. But they need to be told that OW is pursuing your H and they need to hear from you that you want their help in putting pressure on her to stop.

His family and ALL of your children over the age of 4 need to be told, not just the oldest.

But let us help you put together the plan and do it ALL at ONCE.

****DO NOT TELL YOUR H ANYTHING ABOUT THIS******


If there is anything that you need to "get", it is this ~ as long as he is taking ANY hits off the crackpipe AT ALL (which he still is), you can't believe him. You have described a lot of red flag behavior on his part that tells me you don't know everything that is going on...

If that is the case, then your husband has to tell his boss and get another phone #. This is not even negotiable, haley. If he has resisted her overtures until now, he won't do it forever. He is the "recovering" alcoholic who continues to take drinks. Every time she contacts him is another drink. It prevents recovery of your marriage.


I would tell your children all about the affair first off. And his parents need to know too. The more people who know, the better. Your other kids are old enough to know something is up and they should not be lied to in order to whitewash your H's affair. He can explain to them why he jeopardized their family over some skanky ho.

He needs to do much more than block her #. If he can block her #, he can unblock it in 2 seconds. He should get rid of the phone and send her a no contact letter. If she continues to get through a restraining order should be filed.

The REASON your H is not on board is because he has never withdrawn frmo the OW. This continuous contact makes recovery impossible.

Haley, extraordinary precautions, such as continued contact, are not negotiable. You have nothing to lose by giving him an ultimatum, because he will eventually take her up on her offers. I promise you.

It won't hurt to contact them ALL and ask them to use to influence to get her to leave your husband alone.

His continued contact is just as destructive to you, your marriage and him as an active, sexual affair. All of this contact keeps him addicted and keeps the affair in play. You shouldn't believe him while he is still in contact and is still foggy. That is like believing I am sober when you smell booze on my breath. Every time she is ALLOWED to contact him, is the equivalent of an alcoholic taking a drink. It is not the 10th drink that kills ya, but the FIRST. The FIRST DRINK triggers him.

Your nerves won't last for much more of this. This needs to stop.

I would also slap a GPS on his car and put a VAR under his seat. Have you searched his car for a secret cell phone?

Sounds like he got in deep into his fantasy. I am sorry I know that really hurts.

As a man I can say that it is very tempting to have a woman beg you if you are acting like he is. He has not even started to put her in his past, to him she is still a choice. Recovery has not even started for you guys.

Snoop, put a GPS and a VAR in his car, and document everything. Follow the advice here and maybe keep a VAR on yourself at all times. Protect yourself in every way for your future, and so he cant slip around anything. A 7 mo PA with secret fantasys of being together is way out there. Be careful.

Is my husband considered to still be in an affair even if he is not active...?

CP alluded to the answer to this, but I'd like to be blunter.

YES - he is "active" in the affair, as the affair has now become (or might always have been?) about him getting his need for admiration satisfied. Can a man GET any higher admiration points than for a woman to pursue him as he murmurs "No, we must not"?

Listen to Melody (I know you are). Drive the stake through the heart of this thing, okay?

@ NG Yeah I was not clear on that. Maybe some mind fantasy observations?

As long as in his head he thinks shes a choice he has, she is in his heart, taking up residence where you should be, the one that he goes to for those specific needs.

YOU are his future, past, and what is overlooked, his present. That is what good marriages have, they are safe and content at any time they are together. If he goes to her for that, or for anything, its filled right then and now. Of course you say,"Hey thats not fair they aren't even in reality!" Bingo!..Not fair and the concept of reality aren't part of fantasy and do not have a place in thier fuzzy little heads. They can't enjoy those things and how they work in real adult mature relationships, so they do not reach a greater love than what is convieniet. They use each other and have blinders on.

dovetailing into the excellent post by Gloveoil. they are like crack addicts.

I too went wayward once, after WW had cheated and drank and put our family in jeopardy for 3 years, and would not stop, I sent her away and told her we were done.

After 6 months I forgot my own convictions about getting my life together and followed bad advice and started dating. I had no idea of how damaged I was, but I remember how cold and cruel I had become, and maybe with this kind of support I would have done better than to slip that low as to sleep with a woman while I was still married.

I mention it because I recognize the truth in Gloveoils post. In my case it was also admiration that filled a very empty place, so empty I thought I was in love. Thank God I came out of it, because her IC told her the truth, I did not love her, I loved being loved by her, and she broke it off.

Its sometimes a very powerful need in men to be wanted and needed and admired. I think every man has that place and the capacity for it to take him over also out of balance if we don't watch our personal boundaries