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It's one of those key phrases within MB literature. It comes up over and over again on the forums.

Some people [censored] their heads when they hear it, and go "Huh, I guess that's right!"

Some people vehemently deny it, angry and retching at the the mere mention of it.

Some have coined it a "Harleyism."

It. Is. Not.

Reading, digging, researching... this idea that we are all "wired" for infidelity comes up again, and again, and again. Until today, if anyone other than Dr. Harley made mention of it, I would anger up and say "Screw you! You are attacking marraige! You are assaulting my lifestyle!"

Until... until I figured out that this piece of information is NOT doing either of those things.

Quote:
Why? Because informed, realistic, bullsXXX-free relationships are richer, more intimate, sexier, and ultimately far more durable than relationships built on Disney-fed fantasies of virginal princesses, eternal bodice-ripping passion, and eyes that never wander.


Oh, how hard it was to let my virginal Disney princess die... but the more I look, the more I see... the more I know that all that I allowed to die was a fairy tale.

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Look at it this way: sexual monogamy is like vegetarianism. Nobodys denying that an all-veggie diet can be an excellent approach to life for many reasons, ranging from ethics to health to the environment. But all the evidence (our teeth, digestive system, diets of pre-agricultural hunter-gatherers, similarities to closely-related primates, anatomical comparisons with carnivores and herbivores, etc.) strongly indicates that Homo sapiens is an animal that evolved as an omnivore. That doesnt mean living as an omnivore in todays world is inherently better than living as a vegetarian or that choosing to avoid meat makes you inferior or foolish.

But it would be foolish to commit to a lifetime of vegetarianism thinking its gonna be easy. It wont. Furthermore, its cruel and deceitful to teach people that our ancestors evolved as happy vegetarians, so any rumblings in your stomach as you walk by the barbecue are due to original sin, your weak character, poor cognitive development, or any other bullsXXX reason. No, you have that craving because you are a human beingan animal that evolved eating meat whenever possible.

Simple as that.


This is the wiring. If you KNOW the way a machine operates, you can manipulate it to work against the programming. We are wired to form bonds, to find the opposite sex desirable. Recognizing this, we can make interventions to avoid the complications involved.

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The German philosopher, Schopenhauer wrote, People can do what they want but they cannot want what they want. [Der Mensch kann tun was er will; er kann aber nicht wollen was er will.] In other words, you can choose whether or not to arf those oints, but you cannot choose whether or not youll want to arf those oints. You will.


I... uh... got nothing here. I think it stands on it's own.

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As I often say in interviews, just because youve chosen to live as a vegetarian doesnt mean bacon suddenly stops smelling good. Vegetarians (and Jews and Muslims) who understand why bacon still smells gooddespite cultural protestations that it shouldntwill be better at sticking to their chosen dietary restrictions than people who beat themselves up over what is a perfectly natural human response to the smell of bacon. Choosing vegetarianism doesnt make you an herbivore; it makes you an omnivore whos decided not to eat meat. Thats a different animal entirely.


Choice.

People can do what they want but they cannot want what they want.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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I think that this argument has the ability to go either way. The WSs out there could say, "See, it's just in m NATURE to want to be with other people. It's not NATURAL for me to be with one person for my whole life, can't you just accept that?"

I see what you are trying to get going here.

One of the reasons that I decided to give my WH a chance, is because I believe that we are ALL wired to have affairs. Not that he should have made that choice, but I can see how he got there, and how he can get back out, if HE so chooses.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
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Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

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? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

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Originally Posted By: Scotland
I think that this argument has the ability to go either way. The WSs out there could say, "See, it's just in m NATURE to want to be with other people. It's not NATURAL for me to be with one person for my whole life, can't you just accept that?"

I see what you are trying to get going here.

One of the reasons that I decided to give my WH a chance, is because I believe that we are ALL wired to have affairs. Not that he should have made that choice, but I can see how he got there, and how he can get back out, if HE so chooses.



That's my take when I read a lot of this stuff... but this one for some reason struck it a little bit better.

I have an album by a guy who did a "Rap Guide to Human Nature" and he basically raps scientific theories, and this one built from evolutionary psychology.

He submits his lyrics for peer review, and one woman named Olivia Judson gave him this feedback (paraphrased): "Just because something occurs in nature, does not make it right in human society."

Something being "natural" does not make it excusable, it makes it a probable outcome... but not a justification.



Other than that, sounds like you and I are on the same page, Scotty.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Humans are not wired for adultery.

At least normal humans are not.

They are wired for sex.

Adultery is just another unethical and sleazy method humans use to get sex.

Humans may indeed be wired for all of what Dr Harley calls ENs, but adultery is not an EN.

Or is it?


Adulterers use this wired-for-it argument all the time, even when they dont know they are using it. They justify everything from ENs made me do it through the devil made me do it. I have even heard some claim God made me do it.

Most often, of course, they claim to have lied, cheated and destroyed lives for love. For feelings associated with love. But feelings of romantic love is just the human brain wired on chemicals designed for procreation. Which takes us back to sex

So maybe adultery, when all is said and done, is really a glandular problem.


"Never forget that your pain means nothing to a WS." ~Mulan

"An ethical man knows it is wrong to cheat on his wife. A moral man will not actually do it." ~ Ducky

WS: They are who they are.

When an eel lunges out
And it bites off your snout
Thats a moray ~DS
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I agree with you, I've always known that I could be carried away by feelings if I let my guard down as much as any other person so I've always strived hard to stay close to my husband and not go into situations where I might be tempted. Making that choice is making the choice to be faithful in my opinion. My hubby for a long time thought it unfair that just because I was weak that he should get tarred with the same brush and be expected to live up to the same precautions but he understands now and agrees and is happy I never stopped standing up for what I felt was right.


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I could never understand the point of view of people who thought that the ultimate test of fidelity was getting as close as you could and figuring out if you had the willpower to not step over that line. A la "Temptation Island"


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If you read the book The Third Chimpanzee by Desmond Morris, you will learn of the genetic imperative that causes "anti-productive behavior" to be enacted, and for the reasons it came to be.

It's still with us, btw, and is credited with being a causal factor behind such actions as smoking ("I'm so healthy and viral that I can intentionally impair my own health.") and tatooing ("I'm so brave that I will intentionally subject myself to pain and risk of infection in putting a stupid painting into my skin!").

Yes, as this thread points out, we never entirely escape the effects of our genetic path to human-hood. It remains the weakest among us who can't override the the instinctual with rational consideration of what is advisable.

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Originally Posted By: Aphelion
They are wired for sex.


Just one more step;

...life is wired to continue, organisms are wired to reproduce.

Being organisms that reproduce sexually, we are therefore driven towards sex.

We are naturally attracted to novelty; genetic differentiation.

We are stupid enough to believe we are special and immune to the wiring, and arrogant enough to deny it.

"Humans, they aren't worth the flesh they're printed on." - Billy Zane in Demon Knight


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR

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