I am new to this forum, but have read several post from others. I felt I should start a thread, so I could ask questions and receive some feed back.

My D-Day was 7-5-2011. I discovered letters and other stuff she was keeping to remind her of him in our bed room under our bed. We have discussed most details, we started seeing a therapist and are starting to recover.

I just need a place to vent, other than in my notes I take daily and the therapist.

We decided to keep this as quite as possible. Only 5 people in the world know anything about her and him. She told a "friend" who helped her hide it for at least 5 months.

Thanks in advance for any peace this brings me.

Tex,

Sorry you're here. We did a very limited exposure. It rarely works to stop the affair I am sorry to say. What have you done to ensure that she is no longer living that way?

CV

He lives over 300 miles away, so I know they can not see each other. I told her I was watching the cell phones for his number, which I know. That is how I stopped it. I and I'm sure no one wants to be here, but we r where we are because of what has happened. Fixing it and making it better is my only concern now.

Tex,

she is willing to do whatever it takes to recover your marriage? What has she expressed in regards to her feelings for OM?

One thing you absolutely need to do is sit with her and have her write a no contact letter to OM. One that you are in agreement with and send it off to him.

Cv

I guess I should start to fill in the story of WW ( I think this is right ) and the OM. We have been married for 18 years, and have a 14 years old daughter ( DD:14). In 1998, she came to me and said she needed to "get away" for a weekend. I travel with my job, and she said she needed a weekend to "relax" and "recharge". Being the nice guy I was.....I said sure. On the second night away, a mutual friend called me and said I needed to call her now, that she was about to meet another man in her room. I called, she admitted that and drove home that night. We discussed it, she said they had "only" kissed. They had met a few times closer to our home, but never gone anywhere together. She told me she was confused, needed time to think. I think she actually said she didn't know who she wanted. Needless to say, she stayed. We didn't see anyone, tell anyone or talk about it. It was taboo to even come close to the topic. I let the sleeping dog lie.....considered it dead and buried. Well.....

From what she has told me, she found him in FB September 2010. She says it was just a hi, how are you start. From there he would call or text while I was at work ( she was a stay at home mom, more on that later ). On one of our trips, she left the family at the hotel to visit a long time friend. I knew the women she was going to see. Well, that was a lie. I almost caught her that day because she erased the GPS. She denied anything other than she didn't know who to use it and it was an accident. Hind sight is 20/20!!!

From that day on, she has seen him on 3 other occasions, has sex with him on 2 of those. She says sex was not what she was looking for, but she was the one who asked to have it...even asked him to pay for the hotel room so they could go have sex. Their last "meeting" was in June, while she was on one of her girl weekend get away's. She borrowed a car and met him.

I have lived through he'll since my discovery. She told me she was not in love with me. She told me she loved him. She told me sex wit him was enjoyable. She said she let him do things I was not allowed to do during sex. For the entire time I have know her, she has said sex is not something she likes. She gets no or very little pleasure from it, finds in gross even. That is my biggest struggle. The emotional side I can understand, the sex I can not. We are seeing a therapist, and we are working on saving our marriage.

I'm sure I missed something, but will fill in any blanks if needed.

CV

How open are you to admitting you have no clue about where your marriage currently is, or how to end the (your words) hell you find yourself in?

CV,
The first affair with OM, was swept under the rug. We went to many marriage classes....moved a couple of time.... Life just seemed to pass by. I would go months and years without a thought of it. As far as I could tell, she was over him and I was over it.

The day of and the days after, I asked and was told many details. Some of which I wish now I did not know. She says she has been honest with me and will tell me anything I want to know. But when we discuss it, she gets defensive and angry. I have deferred to my therapist for any questions I Maynard for now.



NG,
I am not only open, I fully accept I have no idea where my marriage is right now. She says she doesn't want a divorce, I don't want to lose her....I love her more than I can describe. I am working the MB plan and going above and beyond meeting her needs. I've read 5 love languages, and boundaries. I am working as hard as I can. Just a few days ago, in a discussion, she told me she thinks of him often and will for a very long time. That one hurt after 4 weeks. She thinks she loves him and that he loves her. I know he doesn't. I will explain how I ended it on my next post.

First, she doesnt love him. Feel good about that. I dont believe she engaged in stuff in bed she wouldnt do with you, feel good about that too. These are things to hurt you because she is cornered.

Take charge of this disaster TODAY. Get the books from this website starting with Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs. Read them, and give them to her to read.

You will learn a lot about the adulterous mind and you will learn that this is NOT the end of your marriage if you follow the plan laid out.

I have standard line that I got from the other guys you'll hear from as they help guide you thru this because it definitely helped me: your wife is living in a deeply selfish, foggy, and infinitely stupid world right now. To be playing with fire involving all that she once held dear and most important in her life including children is insane. She needs to be snapped out of her insanity. Any man, married or not, who seeks to bang another's wife is about a low of a life form we have on the planet. Therefore, your wife is guilty by association. She should feel dirty.

So, get on with the program and you'll find a ton of the material on the main site here.

It aint over, Tex.

The reason that you are finding no success with applying the MB Principles is that you have not yet killed the affair. It is still active - in her mind.

WWs have this remarkable ability to carry forward a "mental affair" long after WHs would have realized the thing was over. Killing the affair is going to require the action that (as a modern western adult) you have scrupulously avoided because of the "unpleaseantness" that will accompany the action. You are going to have to expose the affair.

Exposure must be to her family and friends, to OM's family and friends (especially his spouse, GF, whatever). Her reaction will be all the worse because in her mind, she got out "clean" after your discovery and capitulation to her activities. She's going to essay the "Why are you bringing all this up now?" plaint, cry, rage, and blame YOU for the disruption. Nevertheless, it must be done.

Are you still game?

My D-Day started out like any other day. My new job ( I work from the house ) affords me the ability to help around the house. I was cleaning around our bed, changing sheets when I found a bag full of sex clothing, there was also a bottle of body oil. I knew then, it was not for me. In her nightstand drawer was an envelope full of letters from her, a letter from her "friend" and movie tickets and room key cards. I read every letter....the one from her friend hurt the most.

I laid all the material on the bed, and left the house. I made arrangements for the kids to stay somewhere else that night. I was leaving town the next morning and it seemed like a good way to be alone when the fireworks started.

Her text to me..... "What now" is burned into my memory. I told her I would be home and we would decide then. I didn't come home until 9. She was on the bed and I asked ...."Why".....that is all I knew to ask. It went from there. They had met a few times, and the timeline soon became my obsession. More on that later. She told me she loved him and that she loved me, but was not "in love" with me. She said they had never talked of running off, she didn't want to leave the family. She didn't want to leave the girls and miss out on their lives. She didn't want to miss family vacations, and all the other stuff families do. She never said she didn't want to leave me. She did say she didn't want to hurt me....but it was too late for that.

I know my WW was only involved this time for 9 months, but it seems I have been lied to for 12 years. My mind started running memories in reverse, seeing when or where I was on the days they met. I've gone over the calendar so many times I didn't even have to look at it to tell the therapist. Now every now and then a date or memory will pop into my mind, and I try to relate it to where she was or how she hid it from me then.....

The pain of hearing someone you love say they don't love you and that they love someone else is like murder to the soul. I have been numb for 6 weeks.

The one thing I started was making notes....I've written and read more in the past 6 weeks than I have since college. I go back and read them from time to time to see if I've gotten better. I have. Fear of finding out more or losing her are always there. Fear of her never loving me is also there. The one major question I have for her is " Why would you have sex with him, while telling me for the past 18 years that sex is gross?". It make me wonder if it is me. My male ego says.....your not what she wants, your not good, you are not big enough, strong enough, attractive enough ...all those sorts of things....I have to battle this internal struggle every day.

One last point on the sex.....when we married....neither of us had been with someone else. It was our uniqueness. I don't know another couple under 40 who hasn't had multiple partners. Now I feel like the 40 year old virgin. She gave away our uniqueness, not only gave it away..She asked him to take it and he did. It killed a part of me at the same time.

I will defer to vets for guidance.

But, know this, there is usually no good answer to Why?. Weakness, selfishness, and dumbness are things she'll someday admit, but dont expect it from her now as shes mired in the A.

There is a path to recovery, dont fret.

I felt the death of something as all BS do. I hate to use "wake up call" because if my FWW told me she had feelings for OM or even that she was sleeping with OM soon after it started we could have avoided tons of heartache. That's on her.

When this is over, your wife will be living the rest of her life knowing she dangled her family over a cliff for some meaningless sex. Our wives are broken and we have to fix them.

Some are sorry and grateful its over upon being caught, others need to be worked on. Mine the former, yours the latter.

Same boat, different rower.

Good luck.

Thanks Mike.
I have to believe there is a small part of her that is glad it is over. I don't know-how long she could have kept the secrete. She told one girl friend, I'm sure it was eating away at her. She is a very spiritual person, Sunday school teacher, led bible studies, went on women's retreats, in church every Sunday.....until the affair started. Then there was a noticeable withdraw from church and God. I am driving us that direction. But the pain and questions still linger. I told her once, it would have been easier to have been told she was dead, then this. I don't know if that's true, but it feels like it.

Just trying to stay strong. The 3 daughters know nothing, we've only told them mom is more depressed lately. Everyone is doing their best to make her feel better. I hope it works.

Tex,

Before some of the more militant posters get to you, I will tell you in advance you MUST tell everyone including your kids mommy has been fooling around on them.

Want to this end quickly and have her back? Let her babies know she's galavanting with someone not daddy.

My 11 year old daughter picked up the phone when OMW called after viewing cell phone video evidence of her husband being serviced by my wife. My wife will live forever knowing her little girl learned what a bj is the way she learned it. My kid went on her computer looked up "bj" and lit my wife up. She doesnt doesnt trust anything her mother says she doing and questions her every move. I love it.

Maybe your 6 yr old should be spared. But the other 2 need to know they, too, are being cheated on.

Ugly business, adultery.

Tex,

I was told the same crap from my ww. I hate sex, this is gross, I would never do that, etc, etc.....That just solidifies that honesty and openess is not high on their agendas. Don't buy into that bullsh#t.

On my d-day I found pictures my ww had professionally done in skimmpy crap supposedly for me that she sent the om. I look back now and laugh--who really does that-especially with a clear conscience. Funny how I can laugh about it now...

That image will fade with time Tex..I never thought I could heal from that same trauma--you will--whether you recover or not you will!

Still Smiling....I like how you say our wives are broken and we have to fix them....I wish you the very best on that..There is no fixing mine...

The therapist says we should be fully honest with each other, but we dint have to or need to tell everyone. What good does it do to my daughters to know she did this. What good does it do to her friends to know this about her. I am all for full exposure, I think that some of the "tell everyone" mentality is revengeful. I haven't even to the OMW that this has occurred.

It seems there are mixed messages, choosing the one for me will be my battle.

Just wait until Melody et al get on here and you are cruisin' for a brusin'.

GET OFF THE COMPUTER AND TELL OMW NOW.

Its not revenge, sir. Its exposing a travesty she is undertaking on you, you kids, her sisters, brothers, parents, OMW's family, and so on. Exposure is the only way to end it. Once its ended, your real hard work begins.

Let me tell you about therapists as I have on others' threads. I went to one 2x after dday by suggestion of my doctor (who, by the way, gave me anti depressants which if you are so inclined should look into). I was consumed by the sex my wife gave up to OM. My psychologist suggested that I ask for, nay, demand anal sex from my wife as my claim to her body. That was it. Never went back. Worthless use of time and copays.

Anyway, i digress.

IS- Just finishing going thru your thread earlier. Sorry about everything, but, man, you seem like you are in a real good place today.

I think luck has a lot to do with this. Some have luck that their WS are remorseful and needed a way out of the A. And others, well not as lucky.

Good luck.

I once read a church bulletin article that claimed that farmers/shepherds could always tell when their livestock were sickly because they would withdraw from the herd, implying that church leaders could learn to recognize this as a warning sign in their flocks. Since that time, I've seen it to be true several times. I had a good friend in high school who talked Bible with me and then withdrew to a new crowd. Years later I learned he and his new crowd were making fun of me behind my back and that the reason he withdrew was he had decided to become sexually active and didn't want to be around me because it would plague his conscience. He ended up impregnating a girl and then marrying her; it ended in divorce. He confessed all this to me years later.


An insensitive man once tried to comfort my father during his divorce from my wayward mother by telling him "At least she's not dead." Another man intervened and said he'd buried one wife and lost another to an affair, and he could testify that the affair was far, far worse.


I'm not completely up to speed on your situation, but were you advised to tell your daughters nothing? This strikes me as extremely unfair to them.

A horrific blow has been struck to the foundation of their lives (your marriage). They should know what has happened so that they can process their feelings about it. If they are left in the dark they may come to some incorrect and even very unhealthy ideas about what is wrong.

I feel i need to explain how I ended it.....

The day after D-Day I left town on a business trip. Very near to where he lives. Remember, he is 300 miles away, but we visit and I work in that town quite often. Anyways.....I went to our cell phone records and found a number. I called it.....late that night, must have been midnight or so. He didn't answer so I hung up. Sent him a text...something like "this is WW, we need to talk. "
The next morning I sent him another text, ...." are you available?" ..... A few minutes later.... He responded.... "are you ok, why the call so late and the two text"....... I simply wrote, "my husband knows".....I wish now I had waited to tell him, maybe had him give me how he felt at that moment, then told Jim and judged his reaction. His reaction was total retreat......I kept ip the texting for two days. He was out of town, and could text back quickly. He kept repeating....we have to stop, you have to never contact me again, you need to work on your marriage and do whatever it takes to have BS forgive you....I didn't go away quietly.....I ( pretending to be WW ) would say things.... I thought you loved me, I think we can get past this, will you leave OMW for me if I do, maybe in a year I can contact you again.....he was addiment on never talking, seeing, communicating again.....so then I got angry.....said things like.....you used me, you didn't love me, you've done this before, if things don't work out for me, I will come to see you and OMW,.....he retreated back to being nice, saying BS will forgive you, you will work it out, you are a good person....crap like that..... I went back to .... when I can contact you again, when can we see each other again....his reply...never. We have to end it now. You have to stop now..... I went angry again....Why did you have sex with me, why did you use me like that..... His reply...and this one hurt...."You asked me to have sex with you, I wasn't looking for that, you were the one who pushed for that"......I then went back to I will never get over you, I will contact you again....I don't know when, but I will.......his final reply was this..."We've been living out a high school fantasy, it wasn't real, we can not communicate again. You have to focus on your family and your husband..". ...... With that I said .... "you are right" ....she does. This is not WS, this is BS and has been for the past three days. Here are my conditions....NEVER communicate with my wife again, if I even suspect there is any, I will tell your wife and your employer ( he would meet her on company time )..... This is over, it may have been a fantasy, don't turn it into a nightmare!!!". I went silent for a few hours. I then sent this last message. "just so we are clear, if any communication is going to take place, I will make the call. If you understand, reply with a simple "K"..... Within seconds I got the "K".

Over the past several weeks I have thought of texting him I was on my way to tell his wife,
Texting him I had left WS, just to see what he would do. I dream sometimes of leaving notes on his car with a message...." I know what you did last summer"....just to scare the crap out of him. I want him to live looking over his shoulder, getting nervous every time the phone rings. I want him to suffer a living hell like we are.....but no. He is probably relaxing never giving it a thought......that angers me.

I told WS what I had done, she was mad, but who cares. I ended it. No I'm sorry's, no one last time, no letter to write or be kept....just a quick bullet to the head....it's dead. I have no regrets. I deleted the text more than a week ago. Don't need dead bodies stinking up the place. I am moving forward. Never forgetting, but moving towards forgiveness. Not there yet, but hopefully soon.

We haven't had sex since D-Day, don't know if I'm ready for that. I kills me to think she had sex with him and me in the same week. I will describe our sex life later....it won't take long.

Start firing them at me. I know I'm a fool, I've felt like one for several weeks. Just doing the best I can with the advice I get. Most of what I've done is from the gut.....just like joining this forum. I hope to piece back the life I had, and make the marriage even better.