YEPPERS DELETE. And he hears CRICKETS from you.

This is just the beginning so I would say that you should avoid answering the phone or listening to any messages. Could you turn off your cell or ask someone else to have it for a few days at least(until you can change the number).

When I first got here, I didn't think that the things that they said were going to happen would happen. When it did, I realized really quickly that they knew what they were talking about and I needed to listen to them. So LISTEN TO THEM.

AM (or anyone else IT savvy), how would I block email address? I have a hotmail account. I know changing the email address would be better, but really reluctant as I have built up so many contacts and have had this account for longer then my marriage.

And you should have placed a bet, you may have scored a meal out for you and FWH!

Done, done and DONE!!!

I am listening Melody, I learned the hard way I should have respected your (and other's) advice way back when I first posted and I may not be in quite the mess I am in now

I am following your advice, will contact my IM tonight and give your wording about message to WH, I like it. Thank you so much for the email address, I will also give her this... she has already read your IM Training thread and is taking this really seriously for which I am so thankful (she follows my thread and gives me feedback as well). IM also pointed out that I should be following whatever Melody says So thank you from both of us. I realise the IM role may not always be easy, especially as she was (is) friends with WH and actually probably knows us both best from the past 11 years then other friends / family as she and FBH were also in UK for half of the time we were.

But I am still a stubborn so and so in some ways, and disagree with your belief that WH's affair is likely not going too well and he is missing me. I imagine romance aplenty. I actually believe he probably did not read my email until IM text him about banking matter, and then upon reading it (probably curious as to why IM was contacting him and not me) has sent an email either agreeing to my request for no contact, or denying the affair yet again. Either way I don't want to bother with this. So I still doubt there will be any more attempts at contact, even though I know I should be bowing to all of you vet's experience and knowledge. I just don't believe my WH wants me back, or will ever want me back, irrespective of conditions. This may also be my way of trying not to hope, trying to avoid expectations. My concession... I will try and block WH's email address, am also going to contact my parents to advise should WH contact to not discuss me (though contact unlikely). I have not told my parents what is going on with Plan B given mother's health concerns and stress contributing to this, but now might be a good time as I need to be proactive in avoiding WH. I am also going to go shopping for a new mobile phone and number budget permitting (the new phone is simply an indulgence I think I deserve as I am actually now using WH's old one).

Interestingly, I want to stay dark, I am too tired of the game of chess that was Plan A and WH always seemed to have me checkmated. I no longer want to play the game.

Scotland, you underestimate yourself, I am also listening to YOU as well as them... you are the master Plan B'er from what I hear and read! Question, when I get a new mobile number, do I have IM tell WH that I am no longer on old number so he knows this is futile effort? I can see the pros of him knowing I am not contactable to him any longer, but my IM suggests just let him try on the old number and that is his problem... I worry he will think that his contact is getting through to me... what are your thoughts?

Caracal,

Would it not be better to set up a new email account, copy your email addresses into the account and then send a message to those people informing them that you have changed your address? I have had friends and family do this when they have changed internet providers or were looking for a way to escape the spam coming to their email address. If you decide to keep your current address (not advised), according to these instructions, you can block the unwanted sender (WH) using these steps:

http://email.about.com/od/windowslivehotmailtips/qt/Block_Sender_by_Email_Hotmail.htm

As I said, I was not surprised that your H tried to contact you soon after hearing that you didn't want him to. You had many good years together. He has to be remembering those times and wondering how it would be possible that you would not want to be "friends" with him. Going into Plan B drives waywards crazy.

I disagree with your assessment that life is currently amorous for your husband. His affair is a few months old now. The bloom is starting to come off the rose; real life is starting to creep in; real personalities are starting to show their taker side; and the affair will start to stink. Most affairs fall apart and there is a reason that nearly all affairs end within two years.

Finally, LISTEN to Mel and Scotland and DO what they advise. They are expert at this.

Added: Block all avenues of access to you and then quit worrying about what he is thinking/doing. Simple to say. Not as easy to implement.

AM

How wierd. Have you been living in my house for the last 6 months? This is all stuff she has done to me/is doing to me. Makes you wonder if we are rational creatures at all or just robots following our DNA.
I will keep this post to read when I am feeling like it is all my fault.

I think all BS's have the same fears, I know I do. ((((HUGS))))

I think that after a certain number of years with someone, whose word is consistently truthful, you quite naturally take them at their word when they say things.

After a couple more years it becomes a reflex, almost learned behaviour.

But when an A strikes, even though their word goes out the window, your reflex remains.

I too, take my WH at his word.

He said: "She is my friend, I feel sorry for her"

I took him at his word

He said: "I crashed on a friend's couch last night"

I took him at his word

He said:

"I dont want children, so maybe we should separate"

In spite of the fact that I know my H to be baby crazy, I took him at his word again.

"I love you, you are too big a part of my life to throw away"

In spite of the fact that he was treating me like dirt by the point he said this, I was happy to take him at his word here

Then, when I found out he was a liar, he said: "She has nothing to do with OUR growing apart. People tell me I should fight for our marriage, but sadly I don't want to.

In spite of eveything I had learned - I took him at his word when he said he didnt want our marriage!!!

Silly me.

I think you can agree with my Caracal, that waywards havent got the first clue WHAT they want and are happily 'following their hearts' into a dumpster.

He may not come back, but he might. It will probably all be dependent on how much pain he experiences in Plan B at the hands of a POSOW

I now understand what Indie meant... I cried myself to sleep last night over a stupid email that I did not even read. I need to tighten up my Plan B.


From WH's actions... looks like I need to accept that I will be better off without him. He is treating me like I am the blind spot in the rear view mirror, but rather then checking to see if I am there, he just runs right over me.

Okay, this is a venting session for me about WH's email during Plan B...

I can't understand the masochistic part of me that wants him to contact despite the set back it causes to my recovery. Why do I so desperately want his crumbs? Why can I not detach and let him go as easily as he has forgotten about our 18 years together... WH says he would not be who or where he is today without me, would not have the confidence he has, would not have travelled the world, experienced all that we have... how has he simply turned his back on all of this for a woman he has known less then six months?

I have a simmering anger about his emailing me... What part of my Plan B letter did he not understand. Particularly the "I will only be willing to talk with you if you have ended the affair, are returning to Australia and want to discuss repairing our marriage. Just to make clear, unless you have permanently broken off your affair, and are willing to discuss what both of us would need to do to have a future together, I do not want any form of contact with you". To contact after this, after my line of "I have never been so hurt and devestated in my life", is the ultimate disrespect (and I even mentioned please respect my request)! This is not love, this is not a marriage. I need to start thinking that my H is dead to me, that man no longer exists.

To top it all off, his email did make me hope that maybe part of him was missing me, that Plan B would be too final for him and he was in some misguided way (even though not wanting to meet my conditions) reaching out. But no... IM rang last night to state she text him Melody's recommendation "Caracal states she received email from you, she has deleted this unread, please do not contact her directly as per her email on 12.08.11. Please send any pertinent information about finances through me, otherwise Caracal will not see it. Thank-you for co-operating, IM". And his response to her... the mail at my friend's is for a new visa card and he has tried contacting the bank to give new address but due to error they have sent it to my friend. He would like me to ask friend to forward it to him. I think this is what he was emailing me about... just totally business. Nothing else. So he was not even trying to make himself feel better, just wanting his damn visa card. I spent the next five minutes sobbing, this is what 18 years means to him, a visa card has taken priority.

Indie's comment "If he really could leave 18 years behind without a backward glance, then you would be better off"... well, I think my WH has left behind 18 years with no backwards glance. I am devestated, he just could not care less. His banking is more important then my pouring my heart out in Plan B letter. I just wish I could convince myself I was better off.

Regardless of whether I am dark in Plan B, Plan A , or Plan D, it is no skin off his nose, and I now know that once his banking is sorted, there will be no further contact. Sorry, just needed to get this off my chest. I am not going to let this contact attempt set me back in recovery, I am slowly starting to think that my WH just isn't worth it. Or maybe I am just trying to convince myself of that as it is then easier to let go, give up, whatever.

Sorry about the rant , think I feel better now and can get back to my recovery.

The rollercoaster dips very low at the beginning of plan B. Let it. It is intense, but short lived grief. You will get to a plateau eventually, but first do your crying, do your grieving.

Something I did, which may or may not help, I got all the letters and pictures, mementos togheter. I read, I wallowed, and had a good old cry. I let this go on for as long as it had to. It was at its worst for between three days to a week. I cant actually remember but it was bleak.

Then I packed away the stuff.

The crying and twisting in the stomach eased up.

I have the odd tear here and there still, but I havent had a good ol sob for weeks. It is amazing to me.

I had to keep WHs blanket and pillow on "his side" of the bed for a while and then one night, I woke up after having a dream and I thought he was there. I had to push it onto the floor.

There are still times when I am not thinking and I take out 4 plates for dinner or I divide things into 4. Its funny now but it used to make me cry before

I work in retail and it was MONTHS before I wouldn't look at something and think "WH would like that". It gets better, it really does. Go through all of the steps of grieving it is important.

AM, your words give me hope... though I am starting to realise this affair may just be the beginning of my WH's issues, and even if it ends I am unsure he would reconcile or launch into OW#2. Time will tell... I need to let go of his decisions, his choices.

Indie, this is a hard one to overcome isn't it? All of the babble WH's spew, it is so hard not to believe them. From your thread I know your WH did a super job on gaslighting you, and I know that I have struggled at times to believe my WH is having an affair (even in Plan B I still have some doubts, thinking maybe the relationship just started after separation on the rebound). But these moments are less and less. It is just difficult to get over the sense of desbelief that the H I knew would do this, but the WH is one I don't trust at all.


I am gaining clarity on this, and yep, my WH seems to be making a lot of sacrifices to be with OW. Can a 20-something possibly live up to the expectations he must have of her? I doubt it, not long-term. Meanwhile I worry about my WH hitting rock bottom, but I need to stop being concerned about him and start putting that effort into me.

Rock bottom will be the best thing that ever happens to him. At rock bottom, he can say 'Oh my god - WHAT have I done? I was wrong about everything!'

If he can do this sincerely enough to commit to full recovery (before your love for him runs out) he will get a stupendous marriage - better than before - in return, much as the prodigal son got the fatted calf

It seems to me that the wayards who stay wayward usually have enabling family members (like Peachy's darth) who reach out a hand of help the last minute before the wayward hits RB. This keeps them miserable but just an inch away from hitting the helpful clarity of RB.

I pray for my husband to hit rock bottom, you should pray the same for yours!

Thanks Mehr and Indie, fellow Plan B'ers unite! Into my second week of Plan B, plan on putting some posts up today about random thoughts as I try and process stuff.





I am unsure about whether WH's family are enabling or not... I have visited one sister since exposure (her and her husband will not enable and are supportive although not initiating any contact with me which hurts) but have not heard from any other family I exposed to on his side. I think the other two sisters will be supportive of him if he "is happy". I did try to ring one sister for support after exposure and she fobbed me off with "will call back" and never did. Again, lots of hurt, as she was the sister who I was closest with. Not sure if I just make them uncomfortable or they are siding with WH. And I have no clue about whether extended family or friends initiated any contact. I have even taken to praying to WH's deceased parents, as I (and all other family) have indicated WH would never be able to act like this if his father was alive.. he would have been disowned!

Meanwhile, patience, Caracal, patience.

I think a lot of that not calling back stuff is embarrassment. They are ashamed of their relative and (hopefully) AO on them about this shame!!

Other people knew about the A but were torn about telling (or 'hurting') the BS. Now they feel guilty and dont want to face the person they lied to

Then there are the eejits who think they must really love the AP, in spite of all evidence to the contrary!!

Okay, I have a confession, I have relapsed in Plan B. I have not broken no contact, am still dark with WH and committed to remaining that way. But the email that WH sent last week sent me into a spin, major depression. You are all so right about making sure that he can not contact so I don't have these set backs in recovery. When I say I am not following Plan B as well as I could, I mean I am again obsessing over him and the affair. And I am putting a lot of pressure on my IM, which I know is unfair, and from what I have read, unusual... isn't it usually the WH putting the pressure on, not the BS? But I am desperate for some sort of information on this affair and my WH, and poor IM has more knowledge then I do!

I am ready for the 2x4's, get me back into Plan B, I think I was off to a good start before that email... can't believe something I didn't even read had such an impact.

My IM revealed that the day I received WH's email she received one also about the banking matters. But she also received one in response to an email she sent several weeks ago (after exposure and prior to Plan B) about her affair and her feelings and choices during it. Sort of trying to offer some guidance, but I don't know the full details of the email. WH responded that he had been thinking about her email and was considering calling her, but still unsure. IM told me this under my pressure and also because she wanted me to know that WH was not acting any differently to other WS's with Plan B (and to reassure me that there is an affair, that it is not my imagination!) She has told me that she will not pass any more information about this on to me, whether WH contacts or not. She is in a difficult position really, sort of a conflict of interest, but she seems quite capable of keeping it separate (I just need to ease up on her!) And strangely enough, I have started to calm down again, not sure if this is because I have had my "fix" of WH, or because I again have hope that our marriage is still salvagable as WH may be starting to contemplate change. Either way, I will get the focus back to me, not him... as I really can't believe anything that comes out of his mouth in fogland.

And IM is pretty confident WH will not make any further attempt to contact me, but encouraged me to change phone number for own piece of mind.