**edit**

One last point about my WW.....she is a depresses person. Has been since I've known her. Everyone knows about that. When things get tough around the house, we use that as an excuse for the daughters.

Therapist recommended and WW is going to see a pychc. next week. She believes there may be a bi-polar disorder. Therapist told WW, no matter the diagnosis, the affair had nothing to do with that. It was a choice she made, not a mental condition that caused her to do what she did.

I still want her to get the help and drugs she needs... Maybe they can help lift the fog....?

You went the extra mile (or 300) to establish NC between OM and your wife. I like it.

You accomplished much including realizing your wife was the aggessor in this deal. Hurts, but no biggie. Get over that.

Now you have to end it your wife's head because tho you were the texter, I think you said a lot of your wife's thoughts in those texts.

Truth be told, its sounds like your wife was sowing some wild oats here. Doesnt make it ok or better.

Its time to open up the lines of communication with her by using the tenets of MB.

Their parents' depression and coldness to each other is being seen by the kids.

But, congrats you should be happy that NC seems to be established but you need WW to sign on to that.

I agree more with shielding them. I want them to have a positive outlook on life. Not be worried everyday that their parents may get divorced. We have both said, we want to work through this and work to make the marriage better than we have ever had it. Communication levels are way up, sensitivity to each other feelings is way up.....we just have to get past and destroy the storm in the center.

I have been leaving little notes for WW. Cooking dinner, buying gifts(small), telling her I love her in front of the kids....they know how I feel. She has been slower, but she is still in the fog and in denial. She will come out of that, then we will see if she can work on us.

I always felt we were a good couple....not a great couple. Great couples work to please their partner. We didn't always do that. She withheld sex, I withheld time alone, she withheld encouraging words, I withheld acts of service.....it a viscous cycle. Those days are done. We need to load our LB as full as we can.....so that when small withdraws are made and they will be, it doesn't put us in the red. Her toughest challenge maybe enjoying sex with me again. It didn't seem to matter how many classes we took, that need was never met. I was like a chore for her, one she hated doing. Laying there with a discussed look on her face, telling me to not touch her and hurry up.
as I mentioned b4, I have never been with another women, so I don't know if it's me...or just her. If it is me, will she tell me...if she does, can I handle that. Those questions I want answered, but fear knowing will make it worse.

The male ego is a fragile thing I've found out.

All good stuff. I, too, do a lot things I never did before to make things better. We kiss in front of people and hug and grab tushes all things we never did before.

My kids learned of the A at the same time I did so we faced the need to get their heads on right from the get go.


My family was over our house on dday for Mother's day, so they learned about it when i did. Later that night, her parents got the info. But, exposing is critical.



I will say this and I have all the time on my thread, my FWW was fantastic post dday. Got both our kids into counseling session at their schools, got me to doctor where I havent been in years, got herself into a new job (she worked for OM), was attentive to me like never before, and spent everyday since growing up.

Our marriage has never been better.

A reminder to posters to stick to MB concepts when posting to those seeking marriage advice. Please keep in mind this forum is for the purpose of learning Marriage Builders, not to promote our own personal philosophies. Thank you.

I asked all the sex questions. I was my wife's 2nd. And the first was nothing to write home about. And, she too wasnt exactly the nympho type pre marriage or after.

She has gone to pains to tell me that the sex with OM wasnt like I was envisioning. Erotic exursions into fantasy worlds of toys and oils and multiple positions, never happend. Is she lying to make me happy?, one will never know.

One has to block out the fact that another dude had access to what you thought was once yours alone. No easy task.

You get to live, now, knowing you are still pure and she is not. She has a lot to do make things right. She'll never have that purity but thats fine. You learned of her weakness and you have a starting point. My wife felt trapped in her A by weakness and fear of life in the real world. This was our starting point.

And, by the way, we have delved into a new world of intimacy where we never were before. She has downloaded how-to articles and is more free with herself than ever.

It can be done, Tex. Give it time.

I just wanted to chime in on this point. Never warn or threaten to expose - just do it. If you threaten to expose, he will tell his BW "there is this crazy guy who is convinced I had an affair with his wife" and discredit you. Best to have your evidence lined up and pull the trigger.

Make copies of your evidence if you haven't yet. Emails and text messages have this way of disappearing.

Definitely tell OMW. She has a right to know the truth about her life and make informed decisions. If the situation was reversed, wouldn't you want someone to tell you?

Also - your kids should know, in an age appropriate way, what WW has been doing. Same for your families and close friends - anyone who can put pressure on WW to stop the A and keep it stopped, and keep her honest, is a valid exposure target.

Exposure has been likened to a 'tsunami of truth'. Do it all at once, in the same day if possible - don't make the mistake of dribbling it out until she straightens up!

No matter how bad the A sex was, believe it or not it gets even yuckier as the fog lifts. Still hurts like h*ll to the BS but it's comforting to know it was sterile/awkward/weird/gross/etc.

Thanks Bit....

I am afraid that window may have already come and gone. I don't have the emails....he never sent her anything. It was her. On D-Day....I told her if she wanted to sleep in this house she had to burn everything in the envelope. She went out to the fire pit and burned everything. She later said I "made" her, but I look at as it was a choice she made...just like the affair.

Kids will find out if things don't work out, but not until then....unless be accident.

ITA with all of this.

The one big mistake you�ve made is that you�ve shielded OM from consequences. Want to know why he was freaking out when you told him that �my husband� knows? He was terrified that you would contact his wife to tell her about the affair.

Not doing this is a huge mistake.

My advice, if you truly wish to kill this affair and recover, is to expose to OM�s wife ASAP. You threatened to do it and said you wouldn�t. That was a mistake. OM has the best of all worlds. He screws your wife, turns your life upside down, and gets you to promise you will never tell his wife.

Incredible. Can I work out a deal like that? That�s dynamite.

I�m being sarcastic on that last part, but if I were to ever cheat on my wife, I would want to have the other woman�s husband�s permission to do it and never tell my wife I did it.

Fantastic.

IMO (and Dr. Harley's) this is a mistake. Your poor children alraedy know something is terribly wrong...they deserve to know it is not them and they are not doing anything wrong. Children always blame themselves.

At the bare minimum (I don't know their ages but even very young children can understand ~ and learn ~ from this): "Mommy told Daddy a very, VERY big lie and it has hurt my feelings really bad. We are working on fixing this and we love you very much. THis is not your fault".

Older children should be told the truth. I told our children that Daddy had a girlfriend and that is not ok when you are married, and that it had hurt my feelings terribly. They understood this and I was happy to be able to teach them how very wrong adultery is. Society makes a joke out of it and it is far, far, FAR from being a joke. Children need to know this so that society's skewed ideas on adultery don't take hold in their little minds.

Har-rumphf!!

And yes, OMW needs to know. That will accomplish two things:

It will give her the right to know that her H is a liar and a cheater; she can get tested for STDs and protect herself from his philandering. It's the right thing to do; you would want to know if the tables were turned

and

it will help you have an extra set of eyes on OM to watch for contact from her side.

T2S,
In somewhat less than four hours, since my last posting, roughly a half-dozen colleagues here have told you that exposure on OM's side is vital. If you're not yet sold on that fact, say so, and tell us how many other veterans of what you're just starting to go through will it take to convince you. Whatever that number, it should take, oh, another couple of hours to round them up. (And, dude, you DO NOT want to be dithering about this when a certain fellow Texan, carrying a loaded shotgun, comes calling here!)

I've read article How Affairs End, .... I wish for the mercy for way #1. These two are not leaving families for each other.....that much I know, way #2....and since we are out of state and hundreds of miles apart, I don't know why #3 is the perfect way either. If he lived near by or they had a chance of "running" into each other...than yes, full exposure may be needed.

I want peace of mind for me, my children, OMW, her children, and everyone who loves all of us. It is not going to change anything by posting this on the nightly news. It will only add to pain of others and raise the cost to me and WW. I am a merciful person.....

Beware, once discovered, many waywards take their affairs deeper underground, pretend to be staying with the marriage and breaking contact with affair partner.
They get secret prepaid cell phones. Open new email accounts with hotmail/yahoo/whatever and appear to be co-operating.
Also, lots of marriage counselors just do not help a marriage. They are not magic nor is the coursework for this part of psychology very logically developed or understood. It focuses on feelings more than logical steps to build or rebuild a relationship.
Study the Marriage Builders concepts. Get Surviving An Affair, the book and read, read, read some more.

I am a merciful person.....

Prove it. Show mercy to the unknowingly afflicted and inform OMW of the state of her marriage.

That will take mercy coupled with courage. Without that action, the suspicion is that "merciful" is a code-word for "fearful".