In ending #1, is there anyone here who can say that it didn't affect the marriage?? Did it strengthen the WS and bring them closer or did it embolden the WS to try it again. If it grounded the marriage and WS went back to BS and worked to meet needs, why would BS need to know. So that BS could have to go through hell? I don't agree.


Every situation is different, not every time does full exposure end well....nor does every secrete destroy trust.

Classic BH mistake. �We�re different�, �You don�t know us or our situation�, �I know better because�..�

The reality is that we�ve seen your movie many times before. BH comes here, thinks he has all the answers, gives us the same excuses, and then wonders why there�s no progress and no recovery or comes back years later to tell us all we were right.

We�re telling you that not telling OM�s wife is a HUGE mistake. Not only does she have the right to know, it also makes sure that contact is killed for sure since you get another set of eyes on the other end to keep tabs on him.

But, you know better. We�ve only been at this for years and have our own experiences to go by.

Good luck. You�re on the path to failure.

Well, you now know (by painful experience) what happens without exposure. Your WW's affair was rekindled. Your WW's affair is not yet dead, due to lack of exposure.
"Doh"

Insanity - doing the same thing over and over & expecting different results.

This video will cost you 30 minutes.
Pretty inexpensive.

[video:youtube][/video]

Infidelity: What every couple should know.


What every MB forum poster should watch.

No, every situation is not different. The cast of characters might be different, but the tactics for recovery are not different. Exposure is the most effective method of recovery in a marriage. Dr Harley is adamant that the OP's spouse and your children be told of the affair.

There are so many reasons, one hardly knows where to start. The strongest one would be that the OMW cannot protect herself and her children frm your wife as long as she doesn't know about the affair. As long as she doesn't know, your wife is free to contact her H and vice versa. She won't be any wiser so she won't know to stop it. With 2 people watching from both ends, the affair is much more likely to die off. Many former WS's have stated that this is what prevented them from contacting the OP again. They didn't want to risk the OP's spouse finding out and then informing their own spouse.

Your wife can't very well claim to be remorseful or repentant as long as her other victim remains in ignorance. This is part of your wife's recovery to justly compensate this woman by making sure she is aware of the affair.

The next big reason is the morality of informing someone they have been harmed behind their back. Would you inform your neighbor that his bookkeeper was embezzling money from him? Any decent would do that. No one would buy the excuse that telling them would hurt them. And it is the same here, what hurts is the crime, not finding out about it.

Not telling your children only teaches them dishonesty. Kids are harmed by adultery and lies, not by telling them the truth. Any one who advocates lying to children has clearly not thought it through. Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist with 40 years experience saving marriages and he strongly suggests telling your kids the truth. That will give them a chance to ask your wife why she did that to their family. She owes them an explanation.

Dr. Harley on telling the children:

here



here

here

When Should an Affair Be Exposed?

CV

Betrayed spouse's FEAR will ruin any chance of recovery ! <<<< Click this link !

You are getting great advice here. I have just one thing to say to you about exposure to OMW. It is the utmost in cruelty to another human being to not let them in on the TRUTH of the state of their marriage that you are privvy to AND to leave her at risk of STD's because you chose to do what her WH did to her...leave her in the dark.

Texas2:
frankly, its not about protecting anyone or being kind or not putting someone through hell...
I fought performing exposure. And I fought. Posters here pretty well gave up on me. Eventually my anger kicked in and I exposed in anger (NEVER RECOMMENDED).
I learned several things.
Some right after exposure (that is be prepared and have a support system in place to help you deal with the incredible anger you will get from your spouse)... Now 18 months later.... I have a spouse who knows I will and did do anything to protect our marriage and family (not a bad thing at all). And... I know I did the right thing.
HONESTY is ALWAYS the BEST Policy. Lies of omission are just that. Lies. If your spouse won't tell other man's wife then the simple truth is you don't have a marriage. You have an arrangement. I know. First hand.
AND YOU DON'T WANT TO LIVE THAT WAY. You will hate yourself every day because every day you will know that your WW chooses to protect her AP over protecting you by making every possible effort to prevent the A from every re-starting.
I feel for you. I do know your pain. What you are being told is to act like you are valuable. Yes exposure will cause pain. But, absent that exposure, you will rot from the inside out and you will never, ever trust your wife. And no matter how much you try... you will never know "in love" with your wife again. Nor will she for you.
I really hurt for you.
But when your wife and you will sacrifice anything for each other... then and only then will you have committed love. What you have now is simply a rope around each other's neck.

Blessings
Me BS 56
She WW 50
Hers 18, 22
Mine 22, 28, 30
Ours DS 12
D-Day 1 - April 26 2009
D-Dapy 2 - October 15 2009
Exposed February 22, 2010
Me: Reforming Verbal Abuser
She: still won't divulge OM # 2 despite overwhelming evidence, but slowly, ever so slowly, she is turning towards me. But it is more of an arrangement than a marriage.
Attending Counseling following MB Principles - maybe there is hope but other days I wonder if this is not a slow lingering death

Like we say in Texas, money talks and bullsh** walks. A merciful person does not help hide a crime from a victim. If you are truly "merciful" and want "peace" for the OMW and her children, then tell her what has been done to her so she can protect herself and her children from your wife and her husband.

If someone was embezzling her money or molesting her child, would you be trotting out these lame excuses? She can't have peace until she knows the truth and is in a position to protect herself from your wife's assault on her family.

Put your money where your mouth is, friend!

Tex,

I tried to tell you.

I tried to convince me too back in the beginning that my deal was different. Sure, the facts are always different, but the techniques to recapture the marriage is always the same.

Until you let all know who need to know, you are pushing a boulder up a hill. You'll run out of steam and get crushed underneath.

(NG-Not as eloquent as your metaphors, but not bad, right?)

Seriously, this has been an emotional day, let alone few weeks for you.

Take a breath and listen to what these people say.

Youre getting some real good people angry and you wont like them when theyre angry. These are survivors gracious enough to help lost souls like ours. Even those whose marriages DID NOT survive the adultery are ready to advise. Do you think they'll steer you wrong?

No.

Agree. By helping your wife and the OM hide their crime from the OMW, you become an accessory to the crime. You become just as cruel, manipulative and DANGEROUS to this woman and her children. If you don't tell her, she will not think kindly of that act of cruelty on your part.

You will be just as guilty as the adulterers. Don't drive the getaway car, Sir.

Tex,

Let me share some tidbits (since it seems you are a professing Christian) from a sermon series I did some time back on Ephesians Sorry for its length:


Theme: The Husband who Loves his wife as Christ Loves the Church not only glorifies God, but honors her as well.

Eph 5:25-33 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, (26) that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, (27) so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. (28) In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. (29) For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, (30) because we are members of his body. (31) "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." (32) This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. (33) However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Introduction:
In 1989, Freddy Curci, and his band Sheriff had a number one hit (4 years after the band broke up):
Listen to the words of this song:
I never needed love like I need you
And I never lived for nobody, but I live for you
Oooh, babe, lost in love is what I feel when I'm with you

Maybe it's the way you touch me with the warmth of a sun
Maybe it's the way you smile, I come all undone
Oooh, babe, lost in love is that I feel when I'm with you

Baby, oh I get chills when I'm with you
Baby, my world stands still when I'm with you
When I'm with you

I never cared for nobody like I care for you
And I never wanted to share the things I want to share with you
Oooh, babe, lost in love is what I feel when I'm with you

This song was a number one hit, written by the keyboard player to the girl that would become his wife 2 years later. It�s a nice, powerful, romantic song� But it�s lacking something� It�s lacking the biblical focus of what a successful godly marriage needs.

� This song is founded on feeling, on how he feels
� What this girl does for him.
� Ephesians 5 contrasts this with what genuine biblical love looks like between a husband and a wife
� Paul gives us 3 things about marriage in regards to how the husband is supposed to view marriage, love and Christ.


1. The Love of Christ: (25) Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, (26) that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,

a. What is love? To be well pleased or contented with, Agapao, not phileo or eros
� The verb� what�s it do? Describes action.
� Love is the grounds for the husband�s headship.
� As Christ loved the church (the bride), so the husband loves the church. Paul�s phrase here lifts the responsibility of the man to love his wife to the highest plane�
� Look at I. Corinthians 13�

1Co 13:4-7 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant (5) or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; (6) it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. (7) Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

� Christ has shown us an active love. More than just feeling, biblical love is action,
� It sets the bar for the marriage�
� Love is giving one�s self up: sacrifice, to surrender to. It is the ultimate self-sacrifice.
� Here is a grand rule, according to which every husband is called to act: Love your wife as Christ loved the Church.
� But how did Christ love the Church?
i. He gave himself for it - he laid down his life for it. So then husbands should, if necessary, lay down their lives for their wives:
ii. and there is more implied in the words than mere protection and support;
iii. as Christ gave himself for the Church to save it, so husbands should labor to promote the salvation of their wives, and their constant edification in righteousness.
iv. we find that the authority of the man over the woman is founded on his love to her, and this love must be such as to lead him to give his life for her.
v. Christ Gave: Literally surrendered.. This means we lay aside our own preferences for our wives.
vi. Christ�s own conduct should serve as our example:
Php 2:6-8 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, (7) but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. (8) And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

vii. Christ�s life of humility, of surrendering himself is one which we should model for our wives and children.
viii. The work of the Shepherd is one of humility
ix. We may not rule our homes in terror, but in humility and love.
� Husbands, do you love your wives? Do you lay your life down for her? Leaders, do you love your sheep as Christ loved his sheep? Do you know them by name? Do you love them and care for them? Do you lay your life down for them?
� Are you well pleased with your church, knowing that these people are the bride of Christ and have been placed here by Christ for you to nurture and care for them?

b. Sanctification through cleansing by washing of water with the word.
� Paul has baptism in mind as he talks about the joy os being a godly husband
� The idea is that the husband has to have his wife�s spiritual well being at heart as much as her physical, if not more.
� Care for the soul of the wife, the bride, is paramount to Paul as he addresses the Ephesians.
� The wife, the bride, is to be sanctified, made holy, set apart by being washed with the word.
� In the New Testament the bride passed through a purifying bath before marriage,
� We see this parallel in Scripture with baptism. The bride is marked, set apart through being cleansed by the word.
� True love for our wives is seen in how we wash them with Christ�s Word. True care for the flock comes through preaching Christ.
� The word of the Lord never returns void!
� Husbands, bathe your wives in the word! Love her, care for her, treasure her by taking care of her soul as Christ cares for yours!!
� Leaders, Care for Christ�s Bride!!
� Do so for this purpose:

2. The Call to Husbands: (27) so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish(28) In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

� Presented in splendor: glorious, gorgeous:
� Decked out! Dressed to the nines�
� I remember your wedding day! There was no one on earth more beautiful than your wife, right?
� On that final day when Christ returns, let us stand before him glorious, gorgeous. In splendor
� Without spot or wrinkle
� Christ wants a bride that is pure. Not a pock mark, no scars, no imperfections.
� Paul is using this idea of one who�s skin is perfect, one who is beautiful when presented to the bride groom
i. That there will not be any such thing as an imperfection in the bride as she presents herself to her groom.
ii. Wives, husbands, do you remember how hard you worked to make yourself look good for your spouse on your wedding day?
� This is the idea that Paul is presenting us with, but more�
� To be holy
� Christ wants a bride set apart, He is setting apart his bride.
� So too should husbands desire to set their wives apart.
� Our wives should hold a place of honor with us
� We should not consider them a common thing, Christ has given them specially for us to care for
� Do you look at your wife and think �there are many noble women, but you surpass them all�?
� To be without blemish
� Without a physical mark
� Christ is working in his bride so that on that day, we who are betrothed to him will be made perfect so that we will be a bride suitable for the bridegroom at the hour of his coming!

3. The Two-Fold Purpose: (29) For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, (30) because we are members of his body. (31) "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." (32) This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. (33) However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

a. No one ever hated his own flesh
a. Every man loves himself
b. We care for ourselves
c. We nourish and cherish our own flesh
d. In this same way, Christ nourishes us and cherishes us
e. The two fold purpose is seen in the divine reflection between marriage and Christ and the church.
b. Because we love our wives, because we love our church, We should Nourish her: Nourish (ektrephei). (to nourish up to maturity and on).
� Used only here and Eph_6:4.
� BECAUSE WE LOVE OUR WIFE, OUR CHURCH, WE SHOULD CHERISH HER
o Cherisheth (thalpei). Primarily it means to warm, to foster with tender care.
� Because WE are members of HIS BODY (CHRIST�S)!!!
� We are all members of Christ's body, the church. But the church is his Bride. Hence the language of Gen_2:23, where Adam declares that his wife "is bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh," applies to our relation to Christ.
� Because woman came from man, because in marriage we become one with our spouse, we should love and care for her above all other things
� Do you love your work more than your wife?
� Do you love your �things� more than your wife?
� Or maybe your food? Money? Clothes?
� Maybe your kids or friends?
� What are your idols? What have you placed above your wife?
� By virtue of our being married to Christ, you could say that we are �one flesh� with him� Our marriage to our wives pictures our marriage to Christ!
� It is the mystery of the church!!!
� What is Christ calling us to? Trust and submission to Him� We can�t do this on our own. In HIM WE CAN!!!
� Why is this picture given for marriage? Because of the intimacy of marriage. Christ�s love for us is not some general love for his creation, It�s a love for His own people� He knows us intimately!!!
� Do you value your marriages?
� Do you value your church memberships?
� This mystery is exceedingly great!
� This profound truth, beyond man�s power of discovering, but now revealed, namely, of the spiritual union of Christ and the Church, represented by the marriage union, is a great one, of deep import.
� We are marked by the love we show first to Christ, then to each other�. We are known by Christ.
� How are you known to your wife and kids in your marriage?
� How are you known to your friends?
� Most importantly, how are you known by Christ in your marriage, and is what you project to those around you accurate and true?

(And, dude, you DO NOT want to be dithering about this when a certain fellow Texan, carrying a loaded shotgun, comes calling here!)

Now she's here.

Again, I tried my best to forewarn you of whats to come.

Exposure really is the only way 98% of the time to kill an affair. It takes the mystery and romance out of it. The fantasy is killed. It shows her friends and family the level of dishonesty she went through.

Think of it in Gospel terms. Christ was the light that came into the darkness (John)and shed light on men, but men loved the darkness and hated the light because their deeds were evil.

Exposure sheds light on the sin and brings it in the open. It forces honesty and openness and it forces accountability for actions. Vengeance is with the motive to hurt. Exposing in love is to restore and reconcile.

Who said anything about posting it on the nightly news? People who don't know you don't need to know; but those who DO need to know for a.) their support and b.) to have an extra set of eyes on the adulterers. Trust me ~ the first time I found out about my H's affair I did not expose properly (didn't know about MB yet).

That led to a 10-month false recovery. Nothing could have been worse.

P.S. and if you want to talk about having mercy, letting the OMW in on what is happening to her life is about the most merciful thing you could do. Keeping that crucial bit of info from an unsuspecting woman would be merciless.