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#2536505 08/18/11 05:34 PM
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About 2yrs ago, I came here as a wayward looking for help to stop my destructive behavior, however I wasn't ready and ended up lying and gaslighting everyone here and eventually leaving. You may remember me as "muted sparkle". It's been a while since I've been here, and as the new username suggests, I am not the person now that I was then.

To all of the seasoned veterans who tried to wake me up and pull me out of the fog, I am here to sincerely apologize to each and every one of you for the blatant lies that I told in an effort to win your approval. Not only did I waste your time and efforts, but I also publically demonstrated the very best example of what an insincere wayward looks like. Perhaps that is the only positive that has been gained from those posts.

Please let me update you on things because a lot has happened in the last 2yrs. Just before I stopped posting on MB, I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and was able to catch it early enough where surgery took care of everything. That was the least of my worries because my marriage was destroyed, I was drinking every night to escape my problems, and I was on a self paved road to hell. At this point, my husband and I were sleeping in separate bedrooms and we didn't speak to each other much. I had an epiphany one night in bed that if I didn't straighten myself out now, I was going end up losing everyone who was important to me in my life. I had a very long, hard conversation with God and promised Him that I would do whatever it took to bring everything into the light and live by His book. Spartan and I both agreed that our marriage was over. I filed for divorce 7/6/09, moved out into a place of my own on 8/8/09 and our divorced was granted on 3/29/10. I left him the house and furnishings and we share custody of the children 50/50. During that time, I sought Christian counsel, read all of the books that she suggested to me, went back and cleaned up and owned up to each and every lie that I could remember telling to the people (including my children) that I had used along my wayward path. It was the most difficult, humbling experience of my life, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I no longer have to look over my shoulder worrying about what kind of lie I had spun and if I was going to get caught. I lost my family, but earned trust back from my kids and friends. I haven't "arrived", but I am certainly a far cry from where I was 2yrs ago.

I am still living alone and my time is dedicated to my kids. When I don't have them, I keep to myself and stick to the basics.

I've had lots of time alone to wrestle and reconcile with what I did to destroy the man I married and what I put our kids through during the process. I'm overwhelmed with guilt, shame and sorrow. I was blinded by the fog and had to lose it all in order to heed the gravity of what I had done. I still maintain my commitment to God and will keep my promise to Him for as long as I roam this earth. As long as I follow Him, I cannot go wrong.

I cherish the relationships I have been able to repair with my children and treat every moment with them as a gift. When you have no one left to turn to, life becomes a very lonely place but that isn't necessarily a bad thing because sometimes it's only then when you turn to God and ask for help (as it was for me).

I am truly sorry to all of you. I wish that I had seen that your words weren't meant to hurt me, but were meant to wake me up and see what I was doing. I hope now, that I can be of help to other waywards as you were to me. I would like to thank you for every time you tried to reach out to me. I didn't deserve it then, but I want you to know that your efforts weren't for not.

180 #2536508 08/18/11 05:50 PM
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Well, I'll be darned.

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I am happy for your new path. I am also lifted in spirit that you are here with a message of new hope for those waywards who may need your words.

There is such a woman here, now, who is lost. Her name is Rocky. She is trying very hard to recover her marriage, but is so in grief over what she has done that she sabotages her own efforts. At times, she seems to vacillate toward the OM (I think) in her mind, because she is weak when she sees the pain her husband is in. She wants to run instead of work hard, because she sees what she has done and this is very hard for her to face every day.

Maybe you can help her.

SB


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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Thank you both, for recognizing my honest sincerity in owning up to what I did and my efforts to resurrect a proper life for myself and my boys.

SB, I will look for her and reach out to her.

180 #2536525 08/18/11 06:49 PM
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180,

I think not too many of the folks here want to gloat over being right, if only because 90% of us, my guess, wished we had found MB even one year earlier.

I don't know how much this applies to other people here, but when I first started reading MB, I couldn't believe that the program made any sense. After a good deal of reading on MB I saved my marriage and made my W a much happier person, but it did take some time so it does not click with everyone immediately, least of all with an active wayward.

I think you will run into some couples in trouble and you will know what to say. I've helped two couples who were "definitely getting divorced", and while I can't say with certainty that I saved them, I do think a few positive words affirming the value of marriage and accountability can turn the tide.

Whatever became of the OM from your A?

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma #2536530 08/18/11 07:04 PM
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Gamma,

I completely agree. Now that I am no longer married, I ache for what I could have had if I had only opened my eyes bacj then. 17yrs of written history can never be taken away, but there are no chapters ever to be written again for us. It is a very sad thing, indeed. Although I wasn't able to save my own marriage, it's my hope that I can be instrumental in offering sage advice to active waywards to safe their own marriage.

The last I heard, the OM is now living with his new GF and her daughter. We no longer keep any contact and that's exactly the way I want it. My cell phone, e-mail and odometer are now properly calibrated to match my moral compass. It feels soooooo good!

180 #2536533 08/18/11 07:12 PM
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180, I never "met" you on MB before, although as it turns out, my own affair ended barely a month before you showed up on MB for the first time.

But for the grace of God, the care of true friends, the advice of a good counselor & the forgiveness of a very special wife, I might have followed much the same journey as you have.

You have plenty of painfully-gained wisdom, no less painful for the self-inflicted nature of the pain, and no less wise.

Not often, but once in awhile, we FWSs can get through to someone in a way that BSs can't. Not that you should let time in front of a keyboard crowd out other priorities in your life, but you might indeed find that your words carry some weight around here. Welcome.


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
GloveOil #2536540 08/18/11 07:21 PM
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"painfully gained wisdom" Oh man.......those words really hit home.

You're one of the lucky ones who still has a marriage and a BS who was willing give you a chance at redemption after the fog lifted. God bless you both for the hard work that you have put in.

180 #2536543 08/18/11 07:28 PM
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Originally Posted By: 180
About 2yrs ago, I came here as a wayward looking for help to stop my destructive behavior, however I wasn't ready and ended up lying and gaslighting everyone here and eventually leaving. You may remember me as "muted sparkle". It's been a while since I've been here, and as the new username suggests, I am not the person now that I was then.



I am truly sorry to all of you. I wish that I had seen that your words weren't meant to hurt me, but were meant to wake me up and see what I was doing. I hope now, that I can be of help to other waywards as you were to me. I would like to thank you for every time you tried to reach out to me. I didn't deserve it then, but I want you to know that your efforts weren't for not.



You reminded me of a Scripture. What does it profit a man if he gains the world and loses his soul?

You also just made a marine cry. Welcome back. I wasn't hear, but I'm looking forward to you posting.


Celtic Voyager
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3 young adult children


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180,
I have not been posting on this forum but...I can (unfortunately) relate to the WS. frown I had developed an infatuation for my DH friend. (I am posting on the Marriage Builders 101 forum...getting advice on developing new habits in my marriage and regaining the romance. It's up and down.) The last couple weeks that I have been posting on MB, I've been feeling great about the death of this infatuation. I have not seen him in awhile and had no communication. I rather considered myself well on my way out of this (infamous) "fog".

Well, what do you know...DH friend sent me a random text yesterday out of the blue (some song lyrics) and I answered. D*** it! He *never* sends me texts. What is he trying to pull? And why...ugh...didn't. I. Ignore. Him. Oh, I know why...I need an exorcism.

I'm just annoyed. And I am afraid.

I am, also, sorry to BS and vets who try to counsel WS who are resistent and fussy and addicted. 180, I am sorry that you were not able to recover your marriage. Your words are yet ANOTHER of the billion flashing WARNING signs on this site to get-away-while-the-gettin-is-good. Thanks for your words!


Me: WW
DH: BS
EA: 04/18/09 til
DDay: 06/30/10
NC letter: 09/13/11 (against DH's will)
2 lovely happy children

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180, I arrived here after you, but like you, I am a FWW who has been unable to recover my M. I know what it feels like to have feelings of guilt, shame, and sorrow over what I did to my H, my children, and myself.

At this point, I don't have a lot of hope left that my M will recover, but I'm still hanging around because I hope that maybe I can help someone else to avoid the life - the half-life - I have now. "Painfully gained wisdom," indeed.

I, for one, look forward to hearing your contributions to the board.


FWW

"Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough." ~ Earl Wilson
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Originally Posted By: Pepperband
Well, I'll be darned.
ditto


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
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heartfelt,

If it is any counsel to you, I once had an emotional affair. Before you go any further with DH's friend let me ask you this question, and then you ACT on your own answer. It is the question I asked my husband after his most recent affair (my husband's fifth!):


How great would our marriage be if you had spent just ONE-HALF of the time seducing me, that you wasted pursuing the other woman for something absolutely MEANINGLESS?



Schoolbus


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
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Originally Posted By: heartfelt_1
...Well, what do you know...DH friend sent me a random text yesterday out of the blue (some song lyrics) and I answered. D*** it! He *never* sends me texts. What is he trying to pull? And why...ugh...didn't. I. Ignore. Him. Oh, I know why...I need an exorcism...
[T/J] heartfelt_1, you don't need an exorcism, you need to change your phone # so DH's friend won't be able to text you again.

MarriageBuilders is not some kind of hocus-pocus. It's real, specific actions. If you want to kill an infatuation that you know is improper & detrimental to your marriage, then you need to take actions that will kill it. No-contact is that action. Not passive no-contact of the "I hope he won't contact me [but secretly hope he might]" variety. Rather, proactive no-contact, as in taking concrete actions to cut off channels of contact.

You either take the actions, or you're just talkin' it, not walkin' it.

P.S. Y'know what, heartfelt_1? I started talking with my OW about music. She was one of the singers along with me on the church music team. I wasn't even infatuated with her when it started. It was just harmless talking about music. Or so thought I.

Foretold is forewarned.

[End of T/J]


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Originally Posted By: heartfelt_1


Well, what do you know...DH friend sent me a random text yesterday out of the blue (some song lyrics) and I answered. D*** it! He *never* sends me texts. What is he trying to pull? And why...ugh...didn't. I. Ignore. Him. Oh, I know why...I need an exorcism.




I used that same technique after MANY brief attempts at NC with my OM. It's called a "hook" and it was done to me as well by my OM. You need to show the text to your husband and then immediately change your number. Blocking his number won't work because any savvy OM will just call you from a different number. If you are resistant to changing your number, then you aren't ready to stop the affair. The longer you let this go on, the worse it is going to get until it swallows you whole and spits you out like you never mattered. You risk losing everything that matters to you. And when I say that, I mean E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G!! I sure did. This is definitely a situation that should send a chill of fear straight to your soul.

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Originally Posted By: wulffpack_girl
180, I arrived here after you, but like you, I am a FWW who has been unable to recover my M. I know what it feels like to have feelings of guilt, shame, and sorrow over what I did to my H, my children, and myself.

At this point, I don't have a lot of hope left that my M will recover, but I'm still hanging around because I hope that maybe I can help someone else to avoid the life - the half-life - I have now. "Painfully gained wisdom," indeed.

I, for one, look forward to hearing your contributions to the board.


You have at least half to work with! I don't know what you have been through or what MB plan you are working, but all I can say is that if I had a chance to do this over again, I would have stayed NC, owned up to all of my lies and did everything that my husband requested of me in order to show him my remorse and that I wanted make our marriage work. Instead, I thought everyone was full of it because they didn't understand MY situation. I was too prideful and had the attitude that I was going to show everyone up. You see where that attitude has gotten me now.

I'll pray for you and your husband. Hold strong, be patient and willingly engage in his requests that will help to restore his trust in you. You have to be proven over time.

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Originally Posted By: celticvoyager



You reminded me of a Scripture. What does it profit a man if he gains the world and loses his soul?

You also just made a marine cry. Welcome back. I wasn't hear, but I'm looking forward to you posting.


That's all I am hoping to do here. I was too late to save my marriage, but if I can reach out to just one wayward and help them turn around because of my testimony, that will make me happy. My kids ask me from time to time what I did and I tell them the raw truth with no fillers. I do this because I want them to learn from me as well. I have also promised them that I will never again put our family through the torture and pain that I caused them. I will have that regret for the rest of my life.

180 #2536591 08/18/11 10:19 PM
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Thank you for the prayers, 180. We need all of them we can get!

My sitch is way too long to get into, suffice to say even though the A ended as soon as my H confronted me nearly 2 years ago, I trickle-truthed my H for 4 months and tried to make him believe I'd "only" had an EA when in fact I'd had a PA. NC was broken once. We didn't find MB until middle of last year, I started posting here about 1 year after the 1st D-Day, and H posted here for a brief time as well. Lots of stumbling along the way by me, but I've tried to own up to my actions and offer just compensation. It was just too much for him, and he moved out at the beginning of this year and says he wants a D. I'm still trying to meet his needs when he lets me, but at this point our sitch looks pretty bleak.

Ironically I've learned so much, not just from MB but from some of the other resources I've read, that I know how to be a much better W than I was pre-A. Just may not get the chance to prove that to my H, but I will continue to work on my side of the street regardless.


FWW

"Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough." ~ Earl Wilson
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WP, your words resonnate with me. I will definitely be a much better wife next time if I ever get that opportunity again. Right now I am not ready for that yet because I still have a lot of internal clean-up to do. If you haven't heard of, "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren, you need to go out and get a copy. I have read mine several times over and it is highlighted so much that the pages look like a pink and white zebra. That book will put you on the perfect path and will comfort you. Live for God and you will reap more blessings than you will ever imagine! I will PROMISE you that.

180 #2536598 08/18/11 10:35 PM
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What is your BH doing now? Any openness to reconcile?

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