|
|
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 387
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 387 |
As far as brutal honesty goes, should I be told every time she thinks of him? I know she does.... She told me last week, " I think of him often and will for a very long time....I love him."'. She also told me that she believes if she admitts she doesn't love him, then she is just another whore. I haven't called her that, those are her words..
How brutal is brutal??
Me (BH): 42
Her (WS): 39
Married 19 yrs
DD: 16, DD: 11, DD: 7
D-Day: 7-5-2011, Caught searching 10-15-2012
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
As far as brutal honesty goes, should I be told every time she thinks of him? I know she does.... She told me last week, " I think of him often and will for a very long time....I love him."'. She also told me that she believes if she admitts she doesn't love him, then she is just another whore. I haven't called her that, those are her words..
How brutal is brutal?? Radical honesty does not mean you share every thought. The more she speaks about loser boy, the more she will be triggered. And the longer you will take to recover. I would point out that radical honesty DOES NOT APPLY to snooping tactics after a spouse has had an affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 387
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 387 |
So when I say things like "you are still holding on to him" and "how many times did you think of him today" I am damaging her recovery from him?
Explain the snooping aspect? I am home alone during the day, and I feel like looking in every drawer, every photo file on the computer....I don't want to look, but I feel compelled... Last week while looking for a photo of us on vacation last January,I found a photo of OM's name written in the sand....there were lots of names as well, but not mine....when confronted, she said she had forgotten she even took it. I told her it hit me like they had had sex right there on the beach....I must have been swimming at the time. Snooping seems to be the only way I can be assured there is nothing left inside our home.
Me (BH): 42
Her (WS): 39
Married 19 yrs
DD: 16, DD: 11, DD: 7
D-Day: 7-5-2011, Caught searching 10-15-2012
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
So when I say things like "you are still holding on to him" and "how many times did you think of him today" I am damaging her recovery from him? Right. Once you have all the truth, it should not be discussed again. Explain the snooping aspect? I am home alone during the day, and I feel like looking in every drawer, every photo file on the computer....I don't want to look, but I feel compelled... Last week while looking for a photo of us on vacation last January,I found a photo of OM's name written in the sand....there were lots of names as well, but not mine....when confronted, she said she had forgotten she even took it. I told her it hit me like they had had sex right there on the beach....I must have been swimming at the time. Snooping seems to be the only way I can be assured there is nothing left inside our home. Another good idea is to place a keylogger on her computer. That will help reassure you that you she is being faithful. A good keylogger is eblaster [will email reports] or spectorpro if you will have daily access to her computer. You should know everything she does when you are not looking.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 387
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 387 |
Originally Posted By: TexasTwoStep
So when I say things like "you are still holding on to him" and "how many times did you think of him today" I am damaging her recovery from him?
I find myself getting frustrated that she won't let go of him.....I guess I am saying and doing things to prevent or slow her recovery. I will stop asking how often she thinks of him or if certain things like songs or a restaurant they ate at remind her of him. He has control of me, no matter how far away he is, he has me beaten. I told her once I was competing against someone I could not stand up to, bc he is a dream, a never was and a fantasy. She only saw him 4-5 times over the 9 months, who did she fall that far that fast??
When I get frustrated, I say mean and hurtful things. I know I must stop, and i apologize soon afterwards. Maybe I am the reason she doesn't come out of the fog..... Is 6 weeks long enough to come out of the fog?? I have so many questions. Thanks for all the help.
Me (BH): 42
Her (WS): 39
Married 19 yrs
DD: 16, DD: 11, DD: 7
D-Day: 7-5-2011, Caught searching 10-15-2012
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 387
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 387 |
Do WS have a place they can post as well, or would it be good if I could talk her into starting her own thread? I don't know if she will, but if she could read what other WS have to say, maybe it would help her. If you know of a thread like this, let me know....
Me (BH): 42
Her (WS): 39
Married 19 yrs
DD: 16, DD: 11, DD: 7
D-Day: 7-5-2011, Caught searching 10-15-2012
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
When I get frustrated, I say mean and hurtful things. I know I must stop, and i apologize soon afterwards. Maybe I am the reason she doesn't come out of the fog..... Is 6 weeks long enough to come out of the fog?? I have so many questions. Thanks for all the help. I completely understand and sympathize with you! But I promise you that you only prolong your suffering when you keep bringing it up. It also makes your company unpleasant. A big part of the reason she is still in the fog is that her affair has been kept secret. Once you tell the OMW, I think you will see this change because it will be a splash of reality. I would also put a keylogger on her computer and make sure she is not looking at his facebook page or in email contact. Have you checked her facebook account? Is the OM on facebook? Becuase if he is, that will keep her in the fog.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Do WS have a place they can post as well, or would it be good if I could talk her into starting her own thread? I don't know if she will, but if she could read what other WS have to say, maybe it would help her. If you know of a thread like this, let me know.... I would not send her here at this time, TTS. If she is foggy, she is going to get hammered with 2x4s, from former waywards and BS's alike. You might want to wait until you are truly in recovery. I would expose the affair to the OMW and also get a keylogger on her computer. That will help things along quite a bit and in a couple of weeks she might be at a point where she is unfogged. Another important thing, TTS, is that most marriages do not recover from affairs. They might stay together, but they are a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage. I would follow Dr Harleys plan to restore the love in your marriage. It really does work, and the measure of success is not just staying together, but actually falling in love again. Here is his plan: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108 |
She only saw him 4-5 times over the 9 months, who did she fall that far that fast?? You said it before...OM is a dream, a fantasy. No one can compete with lalaland and you shouldn't try to. Sorry you are here TTS. Six weeks is not long...not sure what that therapist is saying/doing either...that may be working against you too. Don't feel guilty about snooping. You have reason to. Did you find OMW?
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 387
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 387 |
The OM does not have FB or email. OM and OMW are virtually invisible people. They live 300 miles away, so random contact is not an issue. When she found him in September, he was on FB. He got off shortly afterwards, I suspect OMW watched his account. They only communicated when he would call or text her. Generally when he was at lunch or on a business trip. Once I ended it, I deleted all references of him from the computer, wiped out any history of him from FB. The only FB I could find was of OMW, but now it's gone....I have his #, I had my WS delete the number from her phone, ( which was under another name, a GF of hers who knew and contributed to the affair, more on that twist later ).... She didn't know I found the # on the phone when I was snooping, and I told therapist, therapist asked her in session, and asked if she would delete it. She did. My guess is she has it memorized, but the symbolism was there.
My guess is if I went to their hometown, I could find them, don't know, and not planning on it. WS says she doesn't know any address, only communication was by cell phone. Which I used to find his number, not smart criminals I'm working with.... Right now, I will focus on us. In my next session I will ask more about different people they have in common.
He was a HS friend, they never dated.....an almost was and what could have been affair. She said and he confirmed in text, they had no plans to run off together....I don't know the reason or if there is a reason other than selfishness to do what they did, but it is over. The next time I am in the area, I'm going by to get a phone book and check. Past that, I don't know how to find them except hire a PI.....which I've thought of doing.
Me (BH): 42
Her (WS): 39
Married 19 yrs
DD: 16, DD: 11, DD: 7
D-Day: 7-5-2011, Caught searching 10-15-2012
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 387
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 387 |
OM and OMW are on marriage # 2.... His ended with Plan D, hers ended in a tragic car accident. They have 3 children, 2 hers, 1 together. I don't know ages. WS told me this. WS says they talked about the families a lot and how each was "happy" with most of their marriages, and both BS's were good people. He confirmed she had called me a good person in the text messages I sent while acting as my WS. He was tucking tail and running away as fast as possible.....to me he is a coward. I told my WS that about two weeks in when I asked if he had contacted her. She said NO, I said he is a coward and never really loved you, he used you and ran at the first sign of danger. She confirmed through her bestie that she had thought he would have called or sent a text to say something.....but he hasn't. Her cell phone log is clean.
As for her Best Friend.....she is one messed up person. A co-dependent in the worst way. My WS confided in her that she had spoken to and seen OM once....she told BF that OM made her feel happy and special. BF then wrote OM a letter, thanking him for making WS feel better about herself, she said WS was as happy as she had ever seen her and on and on.... WS kept that letter, it was in with hers to him. She said she never intended to give them to him. WS likes to keep souvenirs from places she goes, so she kept the room keys, the movie tickets and the letters. Her mistake, bc I found them. I called BF and told her what she had done was not the actions of a true friend and that the only reason WS even stayed friends with BF was bc she was a weak person who could be manipulated. WS and BF do not talk much now, I would like that to stop as well.
I told you more details would come....there are so many aspects of the story I don't know if I will be able to get the all out. But one by one I will try. Not a new story I'm sure, just a different book cover.
Me (BH): 42
Her (WS): 39
Married 19 yrs
DD: 16, DD: 11, DD: 7
D-Day: 7-5-2011, Caught searching 10-15-2012
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 387
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 387 |
Thanks BR...
Time is now measured from D-Day and every story starts or ends there. I know 6 weeks doesn't seem like a long time looking in, but from inside the storm it feels like a life time. I told her just the other day, I've forgotten what it feels like not to have the knot in my stomach or pain in my heart. I want to remember, but can't. I want to forget this pain, but can't. It come back like a thief in the night to rob me of my joy and my peace.
Just an FYI, I've lost almost 20 lbs, most in the first three weeks. I eat, but am still losing weight. I sleep about 5 hours a night with the help of Advil PM or a stiff drink, never together... Anyone else's body do this after D-Day?
Me (BH): 42
Her (WS): 39
Married 19 yrs
DD: 16, DD: 11, DD: 7
D-Day: 7-5-2011, Caught searching 10-15-2012
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
My guess is if I went to their hometown, I could find them, don't know, and not planning on it. WS says she doesn't know any address, only communication was by cell phone. Which I used to find his number, not smart criminals I'm working with.... Right now, I will focus on us. In my next session I will ask more about different people they have in common. Keep in mind you have a moral obligation to inform the OMW of this affair. That is not something that can be put off. Not telling her makes you an accessory to the crime and is very cruel. You need to also pick up the phone and inform your wife's victim. You owe that to her and your marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108 |
You are experiencing what some call the lovely Infidelity Diet. It is rough and exhausting. The mental, emotional, and spiritual are even rougher. You are quite normal TTS...as crappy as that sounds you are.
You know you can search property tax records along with other public info online. You don't need to get a phone book in hand...you can get a phone number on the internet. You may have to cross reference some info depending on what you find but public records are a good source. Do you know his employer or other piece of vital info?
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 387
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 387 |
She got back from concert.... She was tired, it was late, but we didn't talk. She went straight to bed. I know she is thinking of him. It kills me inside to know the mother of my children is in love with another man. I know there is hope, but the pain she has caused me is so great. How do we ever recover??
Me (BH): 42
Her (WS): 39
Married 19 yrs
DD: 16, DD: 11, DD: 7
D-Day: 7-5-2011, Caught searching 10-15-2012
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 375
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 375 |
Exposure to OMW will pull her back to reality and kills the fantasy she has right now.
Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
Last D-Day for me: May 2009
Last D-Day for her: October 2008
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
She got back from concert.... She was tired, it was late, but we didn't talk. She went straight to bed. I know she is thinking of him. It kills me inside to know the mother of my children is in love with another man. I know there is hope, but the pain she has caused me is so great. How do we ever recover?? You have a separate leisure life? Why didn't you go with her?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 387
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 387 |
She went with my sister in law and a couple of girl friends. Kieth Urban concert. I don't care for concerts much, and this was planned along time ago.
We do things together, like travel, visit historical places, shop.....kids things take a lot of time as well. We were heavily involved in church up until last fall....wonder why that slowed?? We are back at church and planning more trips. We spend a lot of time together, just maybe not enough alone time.
Me (BH): 42
Her (WS): 39
Married 19 yrs
DD: 16, DD: 11, DD: 7
D-Day: 7-5-2011, Caught searching 10-15-2012
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
Explain the snooping aspect? I am home alone during the day, and I feel like looking in every drawer, every photo file on the computer....I don't want to look, but I feel compelled... Tex, I've been reading your sitch and I've got to jump in, here. Your compulsion to snoop is your mind's way of making sure you are safe. It is healthy to do so. You need to snoop for as long as it takes in order to feel safe. I am about 2-1/2 years out from D-Day and in a fully recovered M. I still occasionally snoop. It makes me feel safe. There is no place for secrets in a marriage. My FWH welcomes my snooping because he is proud to know that I'll find nothing and will feel safe. And I've got to address this avoidance business you're pulling as far as letting that poor woman know what her hound-dog husband is capable of. I'll do that in another post.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 691
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 691 |
.
Just an FYI, I've lost almost 20 lbs, most in the first three weeks. I eat, but am still losing weight. I sleep about 5 hours a night with the help of Advil PM or a stiff drink, never together... Anyone else's body do this after D-Day? Yup I lost 10 pounds in the first week and needed help for sleep.
Married 1/2000.
D-Day 3/7/11. WH moved in with OW and they married in 2013.
Single mom of 4.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
462
guests, and
55
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
