Get'er'done, SoCal.
It's only 4:50 here on the west coast.

If this is true (and I highly doubt it) his wife will probably be less than happy to find out that her WH is knocking on another woman's hotel door while she's in the same building.

Quick update. I found OMW's email from facebook. Here is what is sent her:

Hey OMW,

This is NotSoSureInSoCal (WW's husband). I just wanted to ask you a few questions about OM and WW. First I want to let you know that I don't have any evidence of anything inappropriate. However, I worry that their relationship is getting closer than it should for work colleagues.

Have you ever worried about my wife and your husband? Have you noticed anything different over the last few days or weeks? Did you know that he stopped by WW's hotel room last weekend? I happened to be in the room and he came by to check on her after one of the sessions. They both acted a little weird about it. Last question, did you stay at the hotel with OM any of the days?

Again, I have no evidence of anything inappropriate so probably nothing to worry about. But I would feel much better with a second set of eyes on the situation.

Please let me know if you have any questions or want to talk. Also, if you don't mind can I have your cell phone just in case anything else comes up? My cell is ***************.

Thanks,

NotSoSureInSoCal


What do you guys think?

Good job Cal,

You did the right thing. I wish the BH had done this in my sitch when he started to suspect things. It is not vindictive or spiteful but the right thing to do to protect your family and hers.

Be ready for your W to be furious. Don't engage.

Have you hired that PI yet?

No PI. I really want to hear what OMW has to say.

I did see a sent email on WW's phone. It was to OM Monday morning asking if he wanted to go to lunch with her. She did say that she went to lunch, but didn't say who with. I guess that answers that.

I'm sorry to hear about that SoCal. That doesnt help the gut any when you start finding her in situations where she doesnt come clean. Keep us posted on OMW.

I think you made a serious error when you included the above comment.

You WANT OMW to be concerned. She should be concerned. Her H is behaving very badly.

I detest the word "worry" when used in this context.
Worry is what people do when they are adrift without a plan of action.
Executing a plan is the muscle one exercises to do away with worry.

You wrote your email to OMW and filled it with your wishful thinking.
Wishful thinking does not effectively rid one's mind of worry.
And, wishful thinking will never get to the bottom of what is troubling your marriage.

You must be stronger and tougher than this.

PUT a GPS on her car.
Put a VAR in her car.
Better than that, hire a PI.

You DO !
Another man coming to your wife's hotel room thinking he would find her alone .... is HIGHLY inappropriate .... unless he is a fireman smelling smoke!

I think OMW is going to confront him about your email, and he's going to make you look like an insecure, jealous nut. Her inclination will be to believe her husband, not some stranger who emailed her out of the blue.

Can you email OMW again to the affect of "I have more information regarding my last email to you. It is critical that you contact me immediately concerning our spouses. Please call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx."

Don't be wishy-washy about this. First you flag her that something is inappropriate about your spouses' behavior, then you derail yourself by reassuring her that you don't think it's serious.

It IS serious.

Ok. Point taken. I emailed her again asking if we could talk and letting her know that I do have concerns that I downplayed in my previous email.

This is f'ing hard. I am a mess. I didn't sleep at all last night. I started to cry on my way to work. I never cry.

It is F'ing hard.

Hang in there, try to sleep, make sure you eat, and exercise.

Having a plan and taking action helps.

Sitting on the sideline wringing your hands only makes you more miserable. You are taking action, the plan just needs some fine tuning.

Pepperband's advice is AMAZING!

Not to split hairs, here, Not, but you've got to ramp up your dialogue if you're going to make any headway with this.

You don't have concerns. You have reason to believe that your spouses are behaving inappropriately and may well be involved in an adulterous relationship.

You also told her that there is 'probably nothing to worry about'. Why are you here telling us otherwise? Why is your gut screaming at you? Why are you so upset if there's nothing to worry about? Why would you tell OMW that there's probably nothing to worry about when her husband is knocking on another woman's hotel door?

I get the impression that you don't want to upset this woman, and I applaud your desire not to hurt her, but you are misguided. Her husband is the one who's hurting her. You are only making her aware of the danger to her marriage.

Remember these
What the...??? I've never been in a business meeting that made me cry.

He could have called her cell phone. Why knock on a woman's hotel room door??

So, what was her point in telling you this? Does it matter, when this happens? ---->

Ugh, I know it's hard, Not. Hang in there, buddy!

Agree - what business meeting makes a woman cry? Is she a social worker dealing with abused children?

What is your game plan for exposing this in the workplace? Have you made a list of people to expose?

AWESOME job hunting down OMW and getting her involved. This will need to go wider in the workforce to really put a knife through it.

Start making your list. If you speak to OMW today or tonight I would set up another round of exposure to their FACEBOOK friends and their work HR and colleagues by Friday. Make your list first. Go to his and her facebook pages ASAP and start copying their friend list to a word document.

Tough~

It is a very small company. As far as work goes, I would want to expose to owners, and the external HR person they use. (My wife does a lot of basic HR functions. They recently brought on an HR consultant. My SIL is friends with her so I will have no problem getting her contact info).

Is the OMW's FB public?

Does she have her phone number listed in the info tab?

Get the list ready to target them by Thursday or Friday at the latest.

Expect WW to be beyond livid. She will be spewing hate, rage, anger, venom, may leave the house, may file for divorce (threat of it anyway), may tell you it is over ....

She will call you every name in the book, she will be so mad her head may spin a couple times.

All of these are very normal responses and usually never lead to anything except her acting like a 2 year old throwing a tantrum.

Just look the best you can and smell your best --- smile, smile, and smile.

When she yells, screams, and wants to kill you simply smile back and ask her if she wants to grill chicken or steak on Saturday and would she like cole slaw or potato salad. Keep smiling and leave the room if you need to and come here to vent.

Tough~

Five dollars says you hear this: "I was going to work on the marriage until you pulled this"

Don't worry if you hear it, almost all of us have heard it. Its extremely common.