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#2537962 08/24/11 12:32 PM
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This article is about the effect of Love Sickness
It says, love sickness is like being addicted to crack. And, that is over in 6 months to 2 years. This is similar to the effects of infidelity on waywards.

What do you think?


Me DH 39
WW 45 EA/PA LTR
DD2 6 yrs old
Divorced 2000

Cypress


I believe God challenges us with every crisis. Its more than just choosing good over evil, we have to learn and grow along the way.
Cypress #2537976 08/24/11 01:53 PM
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Interesting - the only thing that makes me upset is the people writing and making these topics hip are not in long term marriages.

I understand some maybe widowed, but it seems so many today are divorced (with multiple divorces).

I wonder how many have these experiences because they either have been in some sort of adulterous relationship, or they just bounce from relationship to relationship.

I wish we saw more articles on how to maintain the long term marriage and how to get those butterflies in your current marriage again.

Tough

Last edited by itistoughlove; 08/24/11 01:54 PM.
My4Loves #2538016 08/24/11 05:07 PM
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I can sum up this article in two sentences or less without reading it.

Chemical hormones in the brain responding to lots of cheap praise, adulation, which create sexual feelings, cause the attraction cycle to begin which isn't based on MATURE LOVE.

The brains get flooded by these feel good hormones basically, from the brain, when somebody gets handed a load of constant adoration, praise, and admiration. All that feely-good stuff, leads to sex. And if those giving each other admiration, and then getting their brains flooded by the hormones happen to be MARRIED TO OTHER PEOPLE, an affair is the result.


Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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Inevitable result based on simple math, stats and biology...if we were apes.

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Peachy,

To some degree you are right about the article. It is sensationalized psychology. But I did find some interesting points that described my WW:
Quote:
Not surprisingly, some of us actually chase lovesickness. Probably about 6 to 10 percent of the population is born with poorly functioning dopamine receptors


Quote:
Some scientists go so far to liken limerence to mental illness. People in a manic state, for example, show an abnormally heightened mood, self esteem, and sense of anxiety and tend to do out-of-the-norm things, like make rash decisions.


Quote:
It affects your brain about the same way as smoking crack. It has essentially the same effect on whats called the reward center of the brain.


I could not understand why my wayward spouse threw away our marriage over a one sided EA. This helped me understand why she was acting insane. She let herself believe that its okay to be a puppet driven by chemicals whizzing around in her head. She said it just happened, she couldn't help it. She was a broken individual who gave into the moral bankruptcy of infidelity.

Last edited by Cypress; 08/24/11 05:34 PM.

Me DH 39
WW 45 EA/PA LTR
DD2 6 yrs old
Divorced 2000

Cypress


I believe God challenges us with every crisis. Its more than just choosing good over evil, we have to learn and grow along the way.
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Originally Posted By: peachyisback
I can sum up this article in two sentences or less without reading it.

Chemical hormones in the brain responding to lots of cheap praise, adulation, which create sexual feelings, cause the attraction cycle to begin which isn't based on MATURE LOVE.

And if those giving each other admiration, and then getting their brains flooded by the hormones happen to be MARRIED TO OTHER PEOPLE, an affair is the result.


THERE'S the TRUTH!!

"Cupid Feel Good Love"......versus "True Mature Love"!!

Exactly!


BH(Me)= 55
WW(Her)=43
DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!)
Married=13 yrs
Together=16.5 yrs
THIS IS MY STORY
WW moved out of the home = May 1,2011
D-Day=July 4, 2011
Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!.....as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!
"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
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On the radio show today, the Harley's made passing reference to this article.

AM


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
armymama #2538082 08/25/11 06:24 AM
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The author can discuss this article about how happy she is due to all her chemicals. I wonder what happens when these chemicals are compounded by deception.

The addiction is key here. This woman can be happy all the time because she doesn't have a husband and kids at home that she is secretly betraying.

With infidelity - you have these chemicals and then you add on the chemicals and brain changes due to the behavior of betrayal and deception.

I believe this is why the wayward acts almost bipolar. When with lover we have manic (Romantic love) and then returning to reality of home we have depressive (Mature Love). Then it internally becomes a battle in the gut and bowels about which love will come out the winner. Most often the Romantic love whens due to the power of the chemicals.

I wonder if it would help the BS's that come here to understand exactly what Plan A is in terms of showing the wayward the potential. It must instill the possiblity the wayward can look at the BS to get some of the romantic love dumped into them. For women that means we recommend they dump admiration, PA, SF(if allowed), and DS (or what the BS feels are the strong ENs) into the wayward with brute force. For men we do the same based on the WW's ENs.

Many BS's come here believing it is Plan Doormat. We should probably explain it is more about dumping romantic love into them. It is hard for the BS to understand Plan A because all they want to do is AO, DJ, and cry.

Just my thoughts ... Tough~


Last edited by itistoughlove; 08/25/11 06:33 AM.
My4Loves #2538085 08/25/11 06:38 AM
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/Facepalm

WRONG venue for this post, Cypress.

Please remember that MB is about creating and maintaining romantic love, not "mature love."


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Most marriages do not have the tools to continue with romantic love. You cannot deny there is some form of love there even if it isn't romantic.

I was very naive concerning romantic and mature love. Before I came here I assumed all marriages were supposed to be like this. I believed committment was stronger than love. I didn't think I had to do certain things my husband wanted. I thought sacrifice was key.

Now with MB we know romantic love can be part of the marriage forever when meeting ENs.

I don't believe we are talking about creating mature love here. We are discussing how infidelity happens because of romantic love, and how important it is for the BS to understand this when entrenched in this nightmare.

My4Loves #2538115 08/25/11 08:32 AM
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Originally Posted By: itistoughlove
Most marriages do not have the tools to continue with romantic love. You cannot deny there is some form of love there even if it isn't romantic.


MB provides those tools.

And yes, some form of love exists; "mature love."

Originally Posted By: itistoughlove
I was very naive concerning romantic and mature love. Before I came here I assumed all marriages were supposed to be like this. I believed commitment was stronger than love. I didn't think I had to do certain things my husband wanted. I thought sacrifice was key.


Several different "marriage experts" and psychologists are on the exact same page as Dr. Harley on this; sacrifice is a destructive force in marriage.

I've read several articles on this lately, with telling titles;

"Cooperation, not compromise, builds relationships"

"How being entitled to our way - gets in our way"

Most of us mistook lifestyle sacrifice, for sacrifice of happiness - or the meeting of our needs - as the one that marriage took. We intermingled wants and needs, and figured that going without a big-screen TV was equivelant to going without admiration from our spouse.

It was honest, faulty logic.


Originally Posted By: itistoughlove
Now with MB we know romantic love can be part of the marriage forever when meeting ENs.


... and eliminating Love-Busters.

Originally Posted By: itistoughlove
I don't believe we are talking about creating mature love here. We are discussing how infidelity happens because of romantic love, and how important it is for the BS to understand this when entrenched in this nightmare.


Here's the thing. Infidelity doesn't occur because of romantic love. Romantic love with someone other than your spouse occurs with infidelity. It is a correlation relationship, not a cause-and-effect relationship.

Allowing someone other than your spouse to meet your needs - especially your intimate needs - is infidelity. This is true even if neither physical contact or romantic love occurs.

So, again; romantic love is not the cause of infidelity, it is the result of it.

Romantic love with someone other than your spouse cannot occur if you do not allow them to meet your needs. This is prevented with proper boundaries, or extraordinary precautions.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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"Mature love" is just a synonym for a marriage that has lost its way in my opinion.

Yes, a long term romantic marriage is still different to the crazy infatuation with someone new, but it certainly doesn't have to anything less in it except less selfcentredness.

I read article after article when I was first with my husband claiming that the "in love" feelings died away after (insert random amount of time here - anything from 18 months to 7 years) and that real love was what was left after being in love had burned away. I used to feel so sad thinking our feelings for one another would inevitably change, but as time went by and they didn't magically disappear at 18 months, or 2 years or 3 years I did start to wonder just exactly where they got their ideas from.

Now I know where they got their ideas from, unsuccessful marriages.


Me: 32
H: 35
Married 9 years, together 12.
Two little girls, 7 and 3.

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