NB28, the issues you listed above are specific conflicts that don't belong on this forum, IMO. They have nothing to do with an affair and I don't come here to help people resolve every conflict when, if they had used this program, they would have the skills to resolve themselves. You have been here for 3 years, plenty long enough to know how to resolve conflicts. This is not a conflict resolution forum. The purpose here is to learn the skills so you can resolve them yourself.

I am sorry you are hurting, but I have absolutely no interest in helping someone resolve conflicts. Maybe someone else does, I don't. And I post where I choose to post.

Doesn't mean I have anything against you personally, I don't. I think you post some awesome advice to newcomers. Doesn't mean I want to help someone resolve their conflicts. If you want to learn to resolve your conflicts, start reading the articles here. Read the books. Educate yourself!

Do you feel that other posters on this board OWE you something? I will point out that the other posters are volunteering their time here just like you. They don't owe anyone anything because their time is completely voluntary. I have very minimal time on this forum, and I am VERY SELECTIVE about to whom I post. I only post to those I believe I have something to offer. And I cannot help some people; I am not that skilled. I post to those I believe are serious and proactive.

We ALL pick and choose to whom we post. No one is entitled to get posts from anyone because we are ALL volunteers.

ML I read the books and Although I have been here 3 years I only started to do the work about 1 year ago.

I believed marriage builders is about marriage help, my "conflicts" are about my marriage they aren't some random things about my neighbour, a tv show or movie I saw last week.

I don't get what you mean about conflicts but I'll have to take your view on it as your the vet round here.

I am In no way dictating where you or others have to reply simply pointing out the way I am made to feel. Post don't post that's an individuals choice I just don't get why people post irrelevant chit chat so easily yet when someone is hurting and needs direction they are no where to be seen (unless it's a newbie poster as those are always given maximum attention understandably so).

I can tell you why I haven't posted to you, NB. You've been here longer than I have! You are posting issues that I would expect you to already know the answer to! Why in the WORLD would you tell your H that you feel inferior to the OW...YEARS LATER??? That piece of trash shouldn't even be in your vocabulary now!

You say you're in recovery. I don't see it. I see you dealing with issues that should have been addressed and wrapped up years ago! If you've really applied MB principles these issues would be resolved!

I don't see that you are in recovery. It's easy to rattle off the acronyms to show that you have more than a passing knowledge of MB, but to rattle these acronyms off while you're melting down about a birthday party is totally confusing to me.

Its looks like you and your H have not carried MB concepts into your lives. It looks like you read the books, laid them down, briskly dusted off your hands and said "Okay, all fixed!" Only you're seeing now that it doesn't work that way.

I don't mean to be harsh with you. But when a long-time poster comes here and lambastes everyone with a broad brush of "You people are mean!" I must respond.

Your post was extremely offensive to me.

NB28, I don't come here to resolve specific conflicts for people when they can do that themselves. This forum is the emergency room. I am going to help the people who are bleeding on the floor. I have full confidence in you that you can resolve your conflicts on your own.

You and your husband are the only ones who can solve your conflicts, all you have to do is pick up the freely given tools.

Marriage Builders is not a conflict resolution forum but a forum to learn those skills to do that yourself.

NB - I see your marriage crippling along. I am not sure what you are calling "Recovery".

Your previous posts suggest your husband is still quite wayward, and the conflict concerning your birthday suggests there isn't any POJA happening. I see a wife using AO, SD, and DJ's to get her husband to do what she wants, and when he doesn't she uses more AO's, DJ's, and SD's to still get what she wants.

My thought is to have your WH start posting on here again to really get this marriage rolling down the path of true recovery.

If you would have approached your birthday as a POJA question, do you think you may have seen more traffic?

With 3 years out since d-day this thread should be in Recovery, where you are constantly working out these types of issues.

It is just painful to see your pain and your painful marriage, when the choice is yours to have a much better one that you are actually living.

Tough~

"We ALL pick and choose to whom we post. No one is entitled to get posts from anyone because we are ALL volunteers."

All i am saying it's that it's a shame people volunteer in a very clicky way. People come on here to get help not to join a popularity contest.

I am not the first person to feel this way however I have had the guts to say it unlike others who have just simply left the forum.

Like you ML I am just expressing my POV. I just hope that people acting this way will try to see their actions are hurting others and maybe try to read some other posts rather than just spend all their volunteered time on their preferred MB buddies.

And in answer to your question I don't have one or two people in mind it's about a few people all of whom seam to act the same way.

Again, that is not what I come here for and I wouldn't suggest using this forum as a support resource when your feelings are hurt. A better resource for that might be your mother or a close friend.

I have no idea what any of this means except maybe you are lashing out at others because you feel entitled to get help. But you are not entitled. I have a right, just like every other poster to help whom I choose. I am not interested in helping someone solve their arguments. I come here to help people whose spouses are in affairs.

I didn't not help you because I "volunteer in a clicky way" or want to be popular, but because I have no interest in helping someone with specific conflicts. Sorry.

No, their actions are not hurting others, NB28. What is hurting you is your unrealistic expectations about this board. The purpose of this forum is not to resolve your every conflict or assuage your hurt feelings, but to help people whose marriages are being ravaged by affairs. Nor is anyone here obliged to post to anyone. They are all volunteers and can post where ever they choose, if at all. There is no standard here that says anyone has to post to you. NO ONE has that entitlement.

You are hurt because of your unrealistic expectations. I hope you really think on that and understand that your disappointment was caused by you and not anyone else.

You went to the barber shop looking for an oil change and are now mad at the barber shop for not giving you an oil change.

Do you see what I mean?

This entire thread confuses me.

What am I missing? Why doesn't NB28 warrant help when so many that come back years later do? Many over on 101 or Recovery, and even our friend Scotty post after years of MB.

Plenty come back here solely for support, refreshers, encouragement, etc..

Why is this poster different?

This is just beyond the pale, NB. I am so offended that I don't know which way is up.

We 'volunteer in a clicky way'??? NOW who's the child??

This is NOT A PLAYGROUND. This is a community of people who have survived infidelity. We draw no salary. We are not compensated for overtime. I have stayed up late, posting to people who come here desperate for help. I don't know them from Adam and will more than likely never meet them IRL. As it should be. I am an anonymous peer. Just like everyone else here.

If you are feeling a sting of jealousy because some posters have a sense of family that you don't share, perhaps it is because these same posters have been united in a common goal of helping others while you have not. Perhaps it is because they understand the concepts here and are of one voice in their advice while you are not. To expect them to NOT bond in a community way is ridiculous. To take exception to the few precious moments when they take a break from the serious business of helping devastated posters in order to relax and actually make a joke on a thread is shallow and selfish of you.

One of the most important threads we have right now is on Other Topics. It's a simple little thread that talks about what people are having for dinner. I can believe that you are incensed that posters are actually posting there. How DARE we volunteers have a moment of fun or pause in our unrelenting quest to quash all infidelity!!

If there are people who have left this site because of these things, I wish them well and bid them adieu.

NB - I see your own insecurities coming out in your DJ's. It has been 3 years since the affair.

Beating your WH up over the OW should never happen. You and him should be well beyond this stage.

I hear fear, anxiety, and desparation in your posts. I can see it in your recovery.

How you are posting to us is reflected in the relationship you have with your WH. You both may be on the verge of another affair.

NB can you see this within yourself? Can you see the pattern here?

POJA solves this - the fact your WH isn't interested in your birthday is a serious red flag. His love is draining.

Can you both start posting here? Your marriage is crumbling and we cannot help you. You have the tools, you know what needs to happen.

You are causing your own misery and pain. IT can be fixed today. IT can start now. What are you willing to do to save your marriage?

Tough~

Too many things to reply to here is a quick one


1)I was POJA the birthday invite thats why I asked H If he had any plans and ended up in the argument.

2) H does post on here in separate forum

3) we are in recovery because we are reading And applying mb principals.

4) I am human I don't get all of the tools I am supposed to have got by now. As stated before started to really look and accept mb principals 1 year ago, the other 2 years was still depressed angry and a mess. Still a mess now but attest got some braincells back in action now that im not literally reliving DDay and vomiting every time I drive past a Nandos restaurant (PTSD related to A)

5)I am expressing my POV on certain forum behaviour was not intended to directly offend anyone ( although realise that reaction is inevitable), still hoping to help the mb members who need a little bit more attention but aren't classed as urgent.

6) I am disappointed about my b day because things are going well when things aren't going well I don't expect anything and go into cut off mode.

7) my h chooses what he does however he has to live with the consequences of his actions, his affair led to enormous withdrawal in the love bank, his behaviour for 2 years after that only made the overdraft worse. Taking care of ENs and doing nice gestures especially at special occasions fill up the depleted love bank. If this is considered controlling his behaviour then there is no way I'm reading the same books as everyone else on here.

8) I don't believe any amount of marriage building coaching and recovery can make any BS forget the A and NEVER think of it or bring it up again. If an a is more traumatic than loosing a child there is no way it can or will be forgotten. So why am I seen as abnormal for still bringing it up when I'm triggered even if it's 3 years later. It comes up when I think of it as it's now a shared painful experience, or should I just bottle it up?

"How you are posting to us is reflected in the relationship you have with your WH. You both may be on the verge of another affair."

This is why I thought NB warranted help, as I do anyone (almost).

I am confused. If you feel she warrants help, where is your post? If any poster feels like posting, they MAY POST. However, no one here is obliged to post anywhere they do not choose to post.

But, nothing is stopping you. Where is your post to her?

And this poster is different in that she is not even using very basic MB concepts even after 3 years here. That tells me she doesn't take this program serious enough to actually use it. And that is fine, that is her prerogative. But it doesn't mean I have interest in posting here.

My point here is that no one here is obliged to post to anyone. We are all volunteers. No one is ENTITLED to get posts. Therefore, it makes no sense to chastise other posters for not living up to some unrealistic, arbitrary standard.

Again, where is your post? CAn you give me the link?

I went back to 9-25-10 and I don't see a post by you. If you feel she warrants help, then where is your post?

"My point here is that no one here is obliged to post to anyone. We are all volunteers. No one is ENTITLED to get posts. Therefore, it makes no sense to chastise other posters for not living up to some unrealistic, arbitrary standard."

Never would I imply anyone is obliged. Mel. And, I don't post where I am not qualified to as you might or not see in my posts. I never pretend to empathize where I cannot. My posts are 99% directing back to MB concepts versus personal experience.

I leave the personal experience to those that have had it.

You've made my point regarding not using MB tools. I never said anything about FORGETTING the affair, did I? Please don't change my words to suit your argument. I'm saying you should not be bringing that broad up at this point! It is clear that there is an issue there that has not been addressed, if you are STILL bringing her up as a battering ram for your H when something isn't going your way!

NB, I did the same thing - IN THE BEGINNING OF RECOVERY. I don't talk about OW now. She doesn't have that power now. We have been diligent in applying MB principles and have been so busy falling madly back in love that there's really no time in my day for that kind of foolishness. We just don't have time to give OW any kind of head space.

Why do you feel you can't say the same, if you are as solidly in recovery as you say you are?

And not once did I say you were abnormal. Did anyone?? Please don't rewrite our words to buttress your disgruntlement.