I have a feeling your thread will really help other BSs, you sum up so well how it feels - and I thought I was the only one who got irritated at others!



Again I get this totally. It really stung when people said that because we had been planning to start trying in the next few years.

As well as mourning our relationship I was mourning the end of all my plans.

I remember watching Young Victoria and when she tells Prince Albert she is pregnant, he falls to his knees and kisses her stomach. He loved her so much he wanted two of her.

At this time, I knew nothing of the A, but I knew I was unloved.

My WH even used the children issue as a way to control me - he said he didnt want to have them with someone who he wasnt getting on with

Then he used the 'we want different things but I love you' speech to put one foot out of the door and keep me from guessing the truth and to show her he was 'trying' to leave.

But if we did have kids, he would have been just as selfish - and their hearts would have been broken too.

Hi all, I have gone quiet for a few days, reviewing the past few months and how dramatically my life has changed, weighing up all of the advice you have all given as well.

I am finding it hard to believe that on Valentine's Day this year husband was telling me to stop contraception, we were on holiday in Africa having the time of our lives, planning our long-awaited return to Australia, everything was soooo good. And now... well, we all know how now feels!

I went for a job interview in a city this week, thinking I need to move to try to get into more of a social scene. Having only been back in the country for a few months, and not exactly in the mood to meet people, I am feeling very isolated (live in country location as well where a single 30-something is a rarity). Will wait and see about the job.

Feeling pretty bummed out... I just closed our travelling website down. Had my IM whom I have dubbed Yoda back this up for me, as I started looking at the photos of our smiling faces and just feel disbelief about what WH is doing. Prior to Plan B I told him he needed to save the photos if he wanted any, and now I wonder if he even bothered as how could he look at these and not regret his decisions? I really struggle to accept what he has done, it all feels in some sense so unreal, but I guess this is my way of not wanting to admit that he has chosen someone else over me.

I also went to see a solicitor, and the outcome was not exactly positive... we split our assets 50/50 and I wanted to know if my student debts and the car we have in the UK could also be split... solicitor has told me to tread very carefully as there is a chance WH could actually fight me on the 50/50 of the assets given some of this came from family inheritence. So WH is debt-free and driving a car that I paid for, I have debt and am loaning my mum's car... ARGHHH!!!

Actually, I feel a bit better having gotten that all off my chest... IRL I feel I am dumping too much on IM and don't really talk much about this to other friends / family... so THANKS ALL.

Come here and vent lots, honey...

As well as helping you, you help others with your story!

Isn't MB marvellous?

I know EXACTLY how you feel.
My WW and I are well known in our chosen sport....pictures of the two of us were ALL OVER the place.
Now the WW is spitting mad that she has been exposed in that sport.
"Regret"?......seems like you and I both wonder if our spouses see what they have done?!?!
Hang On Girl!!
Don't give up!!!

The theme about not having children..I totally agree with what you are saying ladies.

It seems before children, that we have the freedom to devote all the energy on each other.

There is a depth that is built during that time, whether toxic or just a few issues, it is there.

Sure is!

Bill, I don't think they do know what they have done... I doubt my WH even spares our accomplishments and happiness one minute of thought. I really believe he must have totally compartmentalized, and blank out any thoughts of me as I honestly just don't see our marriage as being that bad... totally the opposite, I think we had a lot of strengths, just got complacent and had a rough couple of months due to life events...

Sometimes I think WH and I may have been in a different marriage. Today I realised that it is not only the trust I have lost in WH, but the trust issues I now have with others (OMG, another relationship does not even bear thinking about yet! ) But perhaps most importantly, I had an epiphany that I have also lost a lot of trust in myself, and that is a really hard one. His gaslighting and my still being largely in the dark about the A and OW makes me question myself a LOT, and also I always thought I was quite intuitive about others... clearly not in this case! I imagine taking some positive steps to rebuild my life will slowly restore my trust in myself... now I just need to take my own advice and do it!


Oh Bill, you must be one of the most optimistic posters on this forum... gotta love ya, platonically of course I am sadly wavering wildly on giving up on WH, the hope I sometimes get (for no apparent reason) makes me swing wildly and I don't know if it is healthy for me. But I won't give up on me... Plan B huh?

Yep, and it makes withdrawal AWFUL!!! But the crying is nowhere near as long or as sharp in week 3, and that in itself is progress. You're right though CP, that before kids there is certainly a lot of UA, it is an easy EN to meet.

Plan B grieving for losing WH, in-laws, friends, our marriage, and a part of myself that was a wife is added to by grieving for the future plans we had, the children, grandchildren, growing old together. I know immediately after D Day I avoided being around kids too much, I just felt utter desolation thinking that what with waiting for a divorce, my emotional baggage and newfound trust issues, and my age, I may not have kids now. Another possible consequence of a broken marriage, but nothing is set in stone Now I somehow got very off topic, venting again but thanks CP!

I hope this post makes sense, and isn't as confused as I am at the moment . I am in something of a conundrum about Plan B... I had a terrifying reality check listening to an archived Dr Harley radio clip. Dr Harley responded to an email from a BW who had been in Plan B 3 years. Although happy she STILL loved her WH.

I know love is not a switch we can flick (although I wish it was!). I know Plan B is also for my recovery, not all about WH... BUT I think part of my problem is that my love bank is still pretty full... I just haven't been exposed enough to the lies, deceit and affair for me to lose love for him. I haven't had enough contact with the alien that possessed my husband to lose the love. I hate to think that in three years I could still love him, it scares me. I want to be able to move on and possibly have kids if I find someone I love and trust (and who will adhere to MB!). I can't do that and be fair to another man and myself if I am still pining for WH.

This isn't very MB I know, I am talking about trying to kill off my love for husband when the purpose is to try to recover marriage. But if recovery is not possible, what then? What happens to the love that Plan B has protected?

Well sweety glad your here
Trying to "fix yourself" does not work overnight

Actions that are healthy will work over time

You cannot kill the love that you have for him, and believe me trying will make it worse for you

You don't want to kill that love , it's what is keeping you human, instead of a wayward

What would be the healthiest thing of course, would be that he saw it through to it's promise. We don't allways see that, but we must trust another way, not abandon it

I can tell you stories, of how that sort of desperate thinking, can bring you to the dark side, but I just want to get to the point. You must learn to love him and let him go if he won't love you.

I am talking about love, not in love and you will get what I am saying eventually, as you relearn to take care of yourself, because he left the job.

But I promise love will return and it will be deeper and more real, give the plan time, and don't you try and fix yourself. You are fine, it's a lie that you feel that your not.

Hang in there

Thank you CP, you have actually bought tears to my eyes, I so needed those words today.

You won't kill your love by staying in touch with him, but your sanity. Your love for him will fade in time in Plan B.

Our WS's are in that "Alien Fog"......and ANYTHING is possible in their minds inside that fog.
That "self doubt" is very hard on us.....we (betrayed spouses) are terribly injured and wonder if we will be able to Love again, trust another Lover again, or be totally committed to a relationship again.
For me?.....it's a Faith issue......God will guide me.....I HAVE to go with that!


Again YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!
Each day I have wild swings about what is the best way to proceed.
One minute I remember my Wife as she was pre-affair, the wonderful woman I met, fell in Love with and Married.
THAT WOMAN is the one I miss terribly EVERY DAY!
THAT WOMAN is the one who I think of 90% of the day!
THAT WOMAN is the LOVE OF MY LIFE!
But......the woman who is "in there" now......IS literally an Alien to me.
If the fog doesn't lift for her......If she doesn't come back to her senses......I couldn't have a marriage with that woman!.....it would be impossible.
The woman who exists inside my Wife today.....doesn't appear to accept much blame, doesn't appear to be remorseful, blames me for everything, and is MAD AS SPIT that I exposed her because NOW her "nice girl, loyal wife" facade has been pulled away.
THAT makes me the bad guy in her eyes.
But...for today....one more day.....I stay in Plan A.
I have another card and note going out to her this week......it says "I Love You! I'm still here!"
God tells me to wait.....so I wait.
It's a day by day battle INSIDE of us too!
YOU are not alone!
I LOVE YOU TOO!! (platonically of course :))

While I'm waiting......


Is your Love Bank full of Love for your Spouse?.....or Memories of what they once were?
That's what I'm asking myself these days.
The last time I sat in the presence of my Wife I looked into her face and did NOT see my Wonderful Wife......I saw a confused, angry, selfish person trying to appear "with it".
It was difficult to be around "that person" who my Wife has become.
No....you cannot turn off the Love switch. But that Spouse you have today ISN'T the one you Love!
I say that for myself as much as I say it for you!

The Waywards have as much emotional responsibility in that as we Betrayed Spouses do.....maybe even more.
But in Plan B......we Betrayed Spouses have the option of letting go.
And THAT is a painful revelation.

Caracal, here is a thread that may help with just this.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=162681&Number=2469581#Post2469581

Caracal, listen to this radio clip about Plan B:

click here

This is just what I am afraid of too!


Makes no difference in my opinion. I have found out soo much about my wh, he is deceitful to the core but I long for the version of him who made feel good, even if that was just the surface.

I want him to the person he COULD be. And there is no reason why he shouldnt be that person either. Except for idiocy. So I grieve for him and for me.



I do not know personally of course, because I have only been Plan Bing a bit longer than you.

But here is what I HOPE happens to it.....

It gets wrapped up in tissue paper, like my wedding dress. Or in a special box like my photo album.

Just like these things, the love for wh will necesarily have to be put somewhere out of the way, to make room for the items I need in everyday life.

Of course I will have be able to take it down and see it whenever I want, but most of the time I will be too busy to do that.

Like the first few times I peeked in at the boxed wedding dress, I may be tempted to put it on, and return to that day in my mind if not in reality.

But the day comes when it doesnt fit any more. The day comes when it is really very much in the way because your life is so full.

You never lose the nostalgia though or the appreciation for what was a great day. I HOPE.

You will always love the best parts of him and not always love the dreadful ones.
You will, if he doesn't come back to rebuild, you can be able to move onward.

And...lol......that clip you heard said the BS was 6 years into a dark plan B.

I like what Mulan has said "Plan B isn't just for married people".

It isn't a bad thing to stay in..................and.......feelings of love for someone you chose to vow loyalty to is never a bad thing. You can keep the feelings and be proud of yourself for still having them. They don't define you as a person though. You define yourself through a life well led.

It's interesting listening to that clip. It would seem that the darker the Plan B, the more likely your love will maintain for the WS. Thank you ML. I hope this all helped you Car, and it's always good to know that you are completely NORMAL.