This is very interesting



This will give me sweet dreams tonight!!!

I have a q for you peachy, if you dont mind. Did you Plan B? It sounds like you did from what you say about the A imploding. Did you decide you were done inside Plan B or did you come out to take a look?

You are facing some difficult decisions, having to weigh up what is best for you on many different levels. Hugs Indie.

What is the law regarding divorce and adultery in UK? I am relieved that in Aus no matter what you have to be separated for 12 months before application can be made. So I don't even have to consider the D word just yet (though have been investigating how many hurdles I can put up for WH in art of war style!) In true husband style (I have always handled finances and paperwork) he blabbered about getting a divorce as quick as possible after exposure, but has since gone silent... guess he finally researched something! I quite enjoy thinking about THAT facial expression when he realised he was going to have to live with the label of cheater for a year!

But Indie, as much as they lie to others and themselves, I think it is rare for WS to legitimise the affair relationship in their own minds under all of the fog... I was speaking with my brother about affairs on Tuesday, and he said his XWW STILL can't look him in the eye, having divorced four years ago. Now this was one of the WW's who could compete in MB's Hall of Fame (or should it be Shame?) She is still without remorse, in the fog (and still wayward with the OM), blames my brother for all of the evils of the world. But still can't look the betrayed in the eye... I believe guilt, even subconscious, actually especially subconsious, can stay for life... especially if the guilty party has never shown remorse.

I have had this exact same thought! One of my friends looked at me crazy-like when I said it... I don't know if WH is living with OW or not, but I HOPE so. Try living with a suspected 23-year-old OW who loves horses (and my real husband has always disliked horses and the thought of riding or pouring money into such an animal) It just ain't gonna work out... but dating... now that makes the excitement last that much longer as the illusion of who the wayward thinks the OW is can be sustained for sooo much longer.

I dated my real husband for 6 years before marrying (and we didn't live together) and our first year of marriage was a real eye opener for both of us... something we used to look back on and laugh. If WH is living with OW... who is laughing now?

Peachy, this is really interesting, as I had tended to think that in Plan B I was absolving my WH of guilt in some sense and just letting him have the cake he wanted. Imagining life is bliss in affairland. Your take really strikes home to me, especially as WH actually said to me that during most of our marriage he felt it was "us against the world" but no longer felt that... at the time this was prior to D Day, but I can now see that he had made the comparison of feeling OW was the "us against the world" now. Your version gives a different perspective I had not considered. I like it!


WS feeling grief about losing BS... again, I hope this is the case. I had assumed only the BS felt the grief as clearly WS is the one who could choose to re-enter the marriage after Plan B letter. I have often questioned how WH could not feel some grief given our long relationship and his saying we are best friends regardless. Aahhh, Peachy, you have given a perspective that every Plan B'er longs for...

Indie, sorry for the T/Jing. And I second your question to peachy. So peachy, tell us about your Plan B???

No problem Caracal, yours and my situations are so similar that T/Jing is impossible!

Today is AWFUL. I went to see two solicitors this morning and that will teach me to bite off more than I can chew at once.

Still, the sooner I get things done and moving the better I suppose.

I really like each solicitor I met with and heard some great ideas. They were talking about softlad like the enemy, of course. That's what I want. I want an Art of War type solicitor but nevertheless.....

He never used to be my enemy

Anyway its sent my mood into the dark place. Bad crying. When I was at work I had a feeling I've had before at funerals. It's like when you;re asked to do a reading, so you can't cry until you're done with it. Then you cry buckets.

I am trying to feel glad that I have good solicitors to choose from. I am sure that will come - after a bath and some sleep!

Not sure which solicitor to choose as they were all very different.

Empathetic one who made me feel really comfortable. Was matter of fact re divorce proceedings. not as experienced as the others. Seemed to have good instincts though.

Tough-talking super organised pitbull who was dead set on giving the bad news i.e. telling me worst-case stuff. surprisingly reasonable rates

Tough-talking pitbull who is very pricey, seems to have great ideas but is also super busy.

They all said separating things financially requires me to file for divorce. However I can string out finalising the divorce if I want to.

From what I've heard, sitting down in a room with him to mediate stuff HAS to happen. I think this bit might be responsible for the tears.

Ask whoever you choose about mediating from separate rooms in the same building.
Staggering arrivals and departures to not run into each other physically.

Hopefully that could be done.

I am strong enough to be around him and get the job done I would just really really really rather not.

Ok. My plan B should have come far far earlier than it did. Back n the day, I was told to do a longer plan A and I did. It was almost the emotional death of me. I couldn't do it anymore.

Plan B happened when my xwh (then wh) had a huge fit of rage one evening and he pushed me down. I ended up calling the police, he left, and I made my decision to not only go plan B, but to file for divorce.

I had a friend of mine (a neighbor) be my IM for several months. By the time the 6 months mark of B hit, (and Darth fought this like mad. He did not want me to go NC on him b/c he is one who feeds off of narcissistic supply and needs that admiration and attention. He would try to break B all the time. A few times he did. And I would go back to B (maybe this happened 3x?) because it would hurt me. When it became clear he was not changing, I actually had to re-file for divorce again (didn't have him served the 1st time) as I tried to wait things out to see if the affair would die on its own.

One day I got a call that he had been DUMPED by monkeyho (my attorney had apparently told her she would be deposed (this was after I refiled in a few months later). So he broke plan B one day and he came over to tell me this. He was so so sad! He however, laid a huge bomb on me that day. He told me that he had been seeing monkeyho AND somebody else for a while (that would be Ms. Family Values..the stb wistress) but that because of all of my legal doings, and because I had subpoenae'd monkeyho's testimony, she dumped him. And then he wailed to me that he DIDN'T WANT TO be with really either of them, but that I had blown it with him. (crazy wayward)because of the supboena, the exposure, my letting the clients know what he had done, etc.

Just typical crazy wayward stuff. He went on and on and told me how we COULD have gotten back together, but that I had caused SOMETHING really bad to happen. Me? What did I cause? I wasn't even around him. He was living elsewhere, in a bachelor pad. Complete with swimming pool even.

He told me that monkeyho would never see him again, and that it served him right. And that MY stupid actions caused him to have TO BE WITH THE OTHER OW whom I didn't know much about at all. I was like ????there's another ow? And then he told me...SHE GOT PREGNANT. Apparently he came over to tell me I CAUSED THE OW TO GET PREGNANT. WTF?????

I went back to plan B and never spoke to him. All I said to him that day was "leave..I will never see you again. Remember this day. It is finally over."

So I went back to plan D and B and continued forward with the divorce. When it was finally final, she was weeks away (posow) from giving birth.

It took months to finally be able to analyze the stupidity of that day speaking with Darth one last time. I am not sure if it was a pseudo confessional with him that day or why he came over.

I guess it was to tell me the ow was pregnant. In the end, we surmised (my sister and my friends) that monkeyho found out he had tried 2x to get me back (before I went into plan B) and that he had cheated on her with the other ow. Call me a woman who's been on MB too long, but my hunch was he had an affair d day with BOTH ow, getting caught by both and that was really why monkeyho dumped him and that all along Ms. Family Values (aka the wistress) had PLANNED to get herself pregnant to get him all to herself.

I remember being so numb. Not even aware there was a SECOND ow during my plan B. When I heard the word, "pregnant", I was DONE. Stick a fork in me.

But Darth wasn't happy to have to deal with that. He DIDN'T really want either ow. Nope. He was addicted to attention and admiration and would have done anything to get his fix. He also refused to allow me to be the only source of his admiration and wouldn't commit to following the MB program at all. So I had to do what I had to do.

But the nail in the coffin was finding out ow2 was pregnant. And I was so repulsed by him after that day that truthfully, if he had NOT married ow2 (the pregnant wistress) I would have still divorced him.

Towards the end of the divorce proceedings, I laxed a bit on plan B. It morphed somewhat into what I called, Plan F/U. I didn't give him any attention. He was used to by that time, me only communicating via IM and when my IM couldn't do it, I just did what she did. But didn't have that filter. By then I didn't care anymore much anyway.

I would only communicate with him via text or email. No phone calls. ZERO contact as much as possible. Sure he'd try to put himself directly in my path as much as he could, but I avoided him about 99 percent of the time. It DID get easier, although divorce rips your heart out.

So how do I know what went on after divorce? He would send these wierd emails to me and occasionally I'd be weak (like every few months) and read the drivel rather than just hit the delete button. But everything I told you about how the affairage and his two affairs went is just how it was.

Some here might remember, but I used to actually work with Darth for a few years, running part of his earlier company. I will not forget this one..and neither do my x coworkers either! I was at work at the clinic where I'd gotten a job (thank you college degree!) and the practice mgr calls me to say "hey Peachy..there's a really handsome guy all dressed up to see you. He's wearing a suit in the waiting room." I knew who it had to be and said, "Make him WAIT."

Ten minutes later I came out and he was standing there and told me how PROUD he was of me (this was about 1 yr post divorce) going back to my chosen profession, how I'd gotten a good job, and blah blah blah. I had spoken of him so little that my coworkers were surprised to know that was even my xh. They thought he might have been just some guy who wanted to ask me out. Right there, in the waiting room, he says next this. "Peach, I need you. I mean business-wise I need you. You were so great at how you used to manage the sales arm of the company. I am prepared to give you today, right here, a contract for $135k a year. You set your own hours. You come and go as you please. You can work around our sons' school time. But please come back to work with me. I won't bother you at all. You can be on another floor if you like. You can pick out whatever you want for office furniture."

I simply replied to him, "Hell no. I cannot work with somebody I do not trust. Good day." And I walked off.

I have been through it all. Crazy stuff with that man. But you will hit a point when it just all seems like stuff you're OVER.

One day you will realize how stupid his affair really is, how it is just the stupidest thing he ever did and you won't hurt as much anymore. Whether he comes back after it implodes is up to you.

I chose NOT to want him back when it imploded. Plus he was married and like I even told HIM, "Darth, I don't date married guys ok? Not unless I'm married TO them".

Let the waywards have their own devices right now. Let their negativity work against each other. Stay far far out of their affair. It will fizzle. Like leaving a opened can or bottle of coca cola out in the kitchen. It will fizzle. And you decide at that time what will happen. THE WAYWARD DOES NOT GET A SAY. If and when (they usually do) try to come back, you get to make the choice. So stand strong.

Peachy is my heroine. Love ya Peach.

That is one hell of a Plan B you did, peachy!

Nah. It had SERIOUS FLAWS. Serious. I was by far not a perfect plan B'er. I only had the IM for several months.

It was simply plan survival. Plan "be a mom". Plan "take care of the situation".

But it wasn't easy. For about four or five mos. between court appearances when the D was moving forward but not final, he would quit paying any cs or meager ss. And it would be like living on ramen noodles (for me) but buying whatever my child needed. He ruined my credit during such a short time period. He sure did. You have no idea what all happened. It was a truly insane part of my life. Sometimes I wonder how the heck did I even get thru that? Sometimes I wonder (it's about 7 yrs post)wow..I LIVED THRU THAT????

Actually I kinda think all of you are quite amazing. Hence why I'm still here after all this time (albeit a short break for a few years).

Things to remember:





If I ever move into Plan FU, softlad will be just too easy to mess with after following the Peachyplan.

Love it Peachy! Your Plan B AND your attitude.

I cant believe how low I rolled on the coaster ride yesterday.

Fellow Plan B'ers - beware.

Just because you start being all cool and confident, don't get cocky.

Don't take on too much work, keep planning nice treats, be nice to yourself at ALL times

It keeps the wolves from the door.

You're doing great Indie.

As long as you stuck to Plan B, it was a good Plan B day.

Days like those are few and far between. My biggest thing was figuring out what set it off. Figure that out, and understand what happened. If it was avoidable, then just get back on the horse. If there was something that you DID, then fix it, and don't do it again.

This is a good reason to look into Lawyers, and all of that before entering Plan B(if you can) so it doesn't affect you as much later.

Don't worry, you are doing a superb job, keep it up.

Indie, I hope the weekend has been an up for you. With some sunshine?

And thanks for the tip fellow Plan B'er. By coincidence I just went and bought myself a box of chocolates as a treat. Those little indulgences sure are important...

Hang in there Indie. Yeah we remain human, and still can be effected. Just keep using those MB

Another weird day in B land.

I feel nothing for him today, which is kind of scary. Ive been staying with my parents a couple of days so that I had company through the sad patch I went through.

Im back home now, but the past few days of not being in our marital home seemed to make a difference. Being around people who really love me and can't do enough for me also makes a difference.

Ive tried to tease out my feelings a bit. I tried to imagine him coming home with the exact right attitude. With a look in his eyes that I used to find nourishing.

Nothing.


I know by now that Plan B feelings can be very temporary, but this feels so strange.

Plus Im not sure what I am supposed to do about it.. Should I get my old love letters from him out in a bid to promt feelings and 'conserve my love' for him?

Do I plan a life without him and do more of this stuff.. stay at my parents more and maybe look at moving out...?

I dont know but it is surprising seeing how devastated I was just the other day!