Surfer, the book that was the most eye opening for me was Effective Marriage Counseling. If you ever get a chance to read that, please do. I got some amazing insight out of that book. Harley is much more direct and cuts to the chase in that book.

In it, he guides therapists right through the whole process in a strategic, methodical way. That helped me the most in understanding where to keep the focus.

For example, I never really understood that UA time is so critical to the success of this program that he even says in there "my program won't work without that step." When he was in active practice he would not take on a couple who would not commit to that step.

But those are the kinds of things you learn from that book. So, if you are going to get more than, please pick that one up. It was so helpful to me and others!

ML, never heard of it, and will order this week.

Interesting about UA time, and not to bore with my sitch, but...

I/We have employed the UA concept with what is already a close family. Kid is deployed in 4 days...and, on top of that is these 2 kids getting married tomorrow. Ugh. 9/07.

Anywhoo, you get my point. We are using MBs terms as a family (unbeknowst to them)...and I am so grateful for that.

Can't wait to get the book!

I am all over the place tonight. Sorry. Kid going to Afghanistan on Sat and getting married tommorrow at 19 years old. Ugh.

Ya'll are a mess.....

A Vet is the guy I take my dog to visit when he's sick......

He sticks a thermometer in his hiney and then sticks a needle in his neck. And then say's, "all better now"..... My dog doesn't even have to tell the vet whats wrong to get get that kind of red carpet treatment either.....

Come to think about it, I guess there are a few vet's around here afterall...

Baahahahahah!!

Oh wow! God Bless you and your kid! And congrats on the marriage.

shaddup, Papabear!!

Ditto to everything!!

I don't consider myself a "vet" but try to open their eyes.
Some BS sometimes don't want my 2x4s seeing my own sig and knowing that my M was not saved.
I can only tell them my mistakes and how their ending could be different.

Some of those who did not succeed (BHs) like he-who-should-not be-named-because-of-his-XW-who-used-MB-against-him (even if she IS friendly now) and Pariah, are also of a great help, or PSUBIKER even.

All of the above are different examples of how on a moment's notice things can go screwy.

He-who-should-not-be-named signed away his rights, with good intentions, but he did not win. He now knows way better, and has learned the hard way. He recovered, but it took LOTS of hard work.

Pariah...well, is someone I like to call on in cases when the OM is a serious danger to the BH.

PSUBIKER...is why BHs need to carry a VAR or recorder on their persons at all times.

All of the above are vets. We need to have them around more often so that the new BHs do not make any of the mistakes that the three above did.

Forgive me, Pariah, Psu, and HWSNBN. I hope I didn't offend you.

This is probably a t/j, but the names of the members it what gets me. You can tell the names say something about their situation.

The vets seem to have names that sound like success. I was biased in the beginning. I was scared to listen to some names. I read a name like, "My life is over ..." and then wonder about their situation, or you read a name like ... "So sad mama ..." and hope they can get their situation happy for the kids.

The vets seem to not have those names anymore. They have almost plutonic or happy names.

Surfer I always vision you in my mind as a "Hang 10 Surfer dude ..." When I read what you posts I have a vision of my cousin who lives in San Diego and loves to surf. I get imagines in my mind of what the person behind the name and probably label them that way. Schoolbus reminds me of a woman who loves kids, drove a bus for them at sometime, and really enjoyed that job. I take her stuff serious because she resonates with me due to my four kids.

hope, I would consider you a vet on this board. I have seen you help many people here over the years.

Sometimes divorce is the definition of success and those of you who have been through that can be enormously helpful to others.

Good points, karmasrose.

the beauty of the vets here is they make you think of things you can't think of yourself, when you are confused and doubting everything they are like a life line.
you come here and you suddenly have hope you didn't think you had,
I'm not a vet but I try to give that hope that with a good plan their lives can have a chance as well............
jessi,
p.s. thankful for MB

Jess, your approach is a little bit different. Ok, maybe you aren't posting and explaining citations, but what you do is important as well. You lend an ear and a kind word.

Some aren't so keen on that, some are.

I know this, however; when people arrive here, and as they struggle, they need that ear, those kind words. And this is the safest place that they can receive that. It's coming from clearer heads who will guide them toward their goal.

The conversations shared between people on this board could be disastrous without limited access and anonymity, because it takes a lot of vulnerability from posters. I would never talk to any woman IRL about the things that go on here. It's inviting calamity.

I love Jessi's posts...:)

HHH, you used a "triage" analogy earlier? Jessi is like the nurse that holds your hand in all the ER noise, helps hold you down and tells you calmly "OK, look at me. This is gonna hurt...a LOT".

Plus, we both like dot dot dots.

Itistoughlove,

I read this before I left for a few days, but had to respond. Names do give a first impression, don't they? People log in for so many different reasons, but usually not for the best day in their life, right?

Some change their names, too.

Levity?

You are dead on about me and "Surfer88"...except that I'm landlocked in the freezing midwest, terrified of the ocean, drive a massive and slightly beat up SUV with a Sawzall in the back at all times, and sit of 5 acres of corn fields. Other than that, dead on! Ha ha! Oops, and I'm not a dude. Haaaa!


FYI: in 2009 I pictured ML and Pep skipping down a path lined with daisies and holding hands.

FYI: in 2009 I pictured ML and Pep skipping down a path lined with daisies and holding hands.

It's probably an accurate picture, as long as you add the detail that in their other hands, they're dragging the battered carcass of a supposed MB'er who tried to "short circuit" the full program!

With 2x4's strapped to their backs! (JOKE! DON'T SWING PLEASE!)

Realized reading this thread tho that I'll probably never be a vet. Not because I don't understand or use the material, but because my posting style and personality limit me to certain types of postings. I realize that I probably only click with a very limited group that comes along.

But that's one of the neat things about the site. You don't have to be a vet to help and everybody contributes in their own way as best they can. It's neat seeing some of these marriages work, and that, to me, is the best reward ever!

CV

I would consider you a vet because you greatly contribute to others on the board. Like you said, you click with a limited group and are able to help where others can't get through. We need posters like you who take the time and calm down others. I sure don't have the ability to do that. But there are others like you, who do have that ability and they are invaluable to this forum.

And don't forget my big hair!!

That's OK CV, you can take my spot.
I limit my postings these days .... for personal reasons.
I need a wing-man.

(((Pepperband)))

CV, you are a mjaor resource to me, at least. Everyone is, honestly.

New people join, and those that need to move on do so, but the consistency never changes here.