Why not???? Send it to his job if you have to and make sure that YOU are the one who mails it.

You still need to track down his wife. Can you hire a PI?

Tex-

Good to hear from you again.

Im learning this is a process doomed with pitfalls and emotional highs and lows.

Stay steady and consider running some of your ideas and decisions by the vets here first as some of them will be way off line and can impact your recovery.

And in my opinion, chasing OM to give him the business is giving him undue attention. He is pond scum and worthy of ducks crapping on him. Thats it. Not worth the energy of persuing to give him the business.

Focus on contacting his wife and you'll then have little to worry about him. Protect your wife from him and again you'll rest easier.

Glad you are back and things may be easing for the 2 of you.

mss

CV

I would advise against this, not matter how tempting it may be. It will trigger you and set back recovery. You will need to let OM go as much as your W does. Continued contact for either of you after the NC letter is sent should be avoided at all costs.

CV

CV,
Just read your entire story. You and I react in similar. I don't know if it's the Irish in me. I doubt I will make any contact with OM unless it is needed. We are both committed to recovery.

You mentioned you W also post. What is her Name on MB?

One quick one.....SF? I assume S is sex, what is F?

Holy cow! You read the entire thing?!?!

Yes the Irish temper is something isn't it? Also the need for payback. SF is sexual fulfillment. Keep working the plan. Don't just write out the extra-ordinary precautions and table them. Go back and read them until they are memorized and a part of both of you. Learn the new habits til they are second nature.

Yes she posts occasionally and will respond when someone asks questions. Her screen name is grace4me.

CV

CV,

Did you read SAA? Or have you just picked up on all the MB steps on this site? I have read most of the articles and stories, plus the advice from everyone here. Do I need to read the book?

I wish for revenge, I hope he gets his. His wife is going to cut off his @&$?!, she is furious.

Where do we go from here.

Step 1: Exposure
Step 2: NC letter,
Step 3: ??

We haven't separated and both of us want to work this out. Our counselor says we are doing the right things, and thinks we will work through this. She is a very matter of fact lady and says I am doing better than she expected after our first meeting.

Suggestions??

Read SAA - I have read it at least ten times. It will be very helpful.

This will be a recovery handbook for you. Get the book. You can write in the margins, highlight important thoughts and points you want to discuss with your WW and keep it on your nightstand for handy reference when you're not around the computer.

Also, I am going to suggest one more thing that I haven't seen many here advise.

Don't either of you abandon your marital bed. Even if there is no sexual fulfillment. Make it a safe place for you two to sit and talk and be friends. It needs to be your place where you can go and cry and be comforted. Don't slide into bed with W unless you can both at least be friendly there.

This was important for me and Grace. It was our safe spot. Where she could go every night and put her head on my chest and be comforted (weird but true) and I could take comfort in her presence with me. Where we could fall asleep in each others arms and feel safe. No arguing in bed.

CV,

Thanks. We will take the EN questionnaire. What is EP?

We have not left the bed. It is where we sit and talk, cry and sleep. We don't touch much yet, and there has been no sexual touching.

Hope is what I cling to.

I have to chime in here... This was a really important thing that we did. Early on CV and I would stay up very late "talking" about our problems. The later it got the more irrational we both became and we would take it to our bed...we had little peace. Making the decision to keep our bed a place of peace gave us a refuge, especially me. Having the opportunity to feel safe and wanted each night when I climbed into bed made it easier to learn to trust again and to be O@H.

EP= extraordinary precautions. It is a list that she and you will write to each other. They define your boundaries.

For example:

1)I will not talk to other men or women without my spouse present or unless it is strictly work business

2) I will not be alone with a person of the opposite sex

3) I will account for my time in ____ increments.


hopefully, someone will come along and post a sample for EP's. In the meantime, if you are not comfortable with sexual contact, do touch the woman, tex. She needs a tender hand and so do you. Touch her gently on the arm, the face or back. Let her know that you care. Contact says a lot.

Thanks CV and Grace....

You two are excellent examples for the rest of us.

Grace, how long did it take for you to join group? I want to invite my WW to this forum. Keep the advice coming.

We are 2 months since DDay, and my anger is lowering. I do love her, I just don't understand why? And maybe I never will. Accepting the past is hard, not reminding myself of dates and places is hard. This is the hardest time of my life.....I believe she loves me, she says she does. She lost her attraction to me, bc of my lack of meeting her EN. I didn't know I wasn't, she didn't tell me I wasn't. She feel into love with an old friend, and the rest is history. 18 years of marriage, and she says she hasn't been attracted to me for a very long time.

I'll let G answer for herself, but do want to talk about remembering.

It is hard. It will honestly take months and months to get past. It is a totally suck period of life where you wish you were anywhere but on earth.

Took me a while to figure out why I still love my wife. Actually, that's wrong. I knew but was afraid to admit it...

I loved her for all the same reasons I did before. I was just hurt and protective and didn't want to admit that I still liked the person that crushed me, that I found her charming, funny, sexy, interesting and smart.

Trust had to be rebuilt before I could admit that.

Attraction... It's like a water faucet i.m.o.... Hit those EN's and the spigot will go on full blast.

And she i really doubt she's in love with OM... Fog-babble...

Thanks again CV,

Just knowing it will take months is encouraging. I hate the unknown. I appreciate everyone here who has offered support. This is suck period of life. Early on I told her it would have been easier to find out she had died. She took that to mean I wished her dead. We are still working on that conversation.

Working the plan, one step at a time. Trying to stay positive...

Of course you would have, that isn't all that strange.

�One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope.�

Infidelity is one of the most emotionally and mentally painful things a person can experience in life (and both emotional and mental pain can manifest physically).

Don't kid yourself, TTS. You have experienced a loss, and you are going to grieve that loss.

HHH,

Is has been a horrible 2 months. I have grieved, I have lost the one thing I valued most, her love. We are working on the repair, but time seems to be my worst enemy.

Where did you get that quote? Is it in SAA?

This forum has been a huge help, giving me a place to ask questions and receive advice from those who have lived through my pain.

Thanks again to everyone. I especially like hearing from other FWW and how they overcame the fog and addiction of the OM. This is her struggle. I want to help her, but I seem to be going overboard with my acts of kindness. She says I haven't done things like this in a very long time. I hope she will come to see I do them bc I love her and want to win her heart back. I won't give up until she walks, and she says she isn't going to leave. She doesn't want to break up the family.

One day at a time.....my AD seem to be working, but they don't erase the memories. But sleep has improved, eating more now as well.

Grace,

How long was it b4 you joined this forum, did you read all the books too? I would like my WW to read these post, but she is still in fog. Don't know how she would react. I love her and want to help her. I know I can't "fix" her, but I can be there to show her where to get the help.

What are your thoughts?