No, that one isn't in SAA. I'll look for the author again and let you know.

It just sticks so well.

Yeah there is a light at the end of the tunnel even if it seems far off. I thought at some points early on that It would be that way forever. Course I was running with my eyes half shut if you know what I mean.

We learned the hard way that on of the important parts of recovery is choosing our words. We can't use language loosely anymore because the A left it open to misinterpretation nearly all the time.

A simple "I have always loved you" became "Oh you mean like a brother or something, not like your husband" and we learned that precision in speech was a key element, as well as not reading into simple statements.

CV

Hi Tex,

I joined the forum a couple of weeks after CV did. Of course you need to remember it was almost 3 years after Dday, so my outlook coming into it was a bit different than most WW. If Mrs. Tex does join the list she will need to be ready to take some tough criticism.

I'm not sure how helpful my story may be to you, but I didn't have what everyone calls "fog". What I did struggle with was learning to tell the truth. I never once missed OM or worried about him. I was never tempted to contact him and the few times he attempted to contact me I told CV immediately. I gladly burned or through away everything I had that he had given me or that reminded CV or myself of OM.

My BIG issue was that I had become a habitual liar. Not because of my infidelity, but it had started years before. I didn't even know answers to many of the questions CV had because I had lied so much that I didn't know the truth. Now I keep what I call my "log book". It's not a diary, it's really just a little notebook that I divided into sections and keep my own ideas and notes to myself in. I have a section on lying, one on anger, one on trust and one on restitution. I am brutally honest and I make a point to pull no punches with myself.

What is it that you mean by "fog" when you're talking about Mrs. Tex? Every WW is different.

I did read the books and I found them very helpful. I think we gained a lot from doing the questionnaires.

I know you're probably completely exhausted, but be patient and firm. It will pay off.

Thanks Grace.

I will show her the forum and see if she is willing to join. I won't push her.

I have been making notes daily on how I feel during the day. She has read some of those notes, so she knows the pain I am in. She knows my fears and my wants. We talk, but I have stopped asking about OM and PA. We mainly talk about feelings and the future. Plan trips and talk about the kids.

I want this time to move faster.....men usually move past pain faster than women.

Holding on to Hope.

Tex,

Can you give us a current update/overview on the status of things? How is she doing now? Has she shared what she's thinking and feeling?

How about you?

This was a long term affair. It will take time. But time is actually on your side. the longer she goes no contact the better you two will be.

Some recoveries are faster than others. I've seen it in my short time here. MSS and others moved a lot faster than others... Some seem to crawl and make baby steps.Don't be discouraged.

You may have one of those experiences where you wake up one morning and her fog has lifted and real work can start.

Do encourage her to be here. We'd love to help her along and help her push through this fog.


CV



Make sure you are meeting those EN's

Tex-

A luke warm recovery is not a recovery. And a recovery is false if exposure is not made to OMW and others.

You are setting yourself up for more heartache.

You will get more advice on how to chip away at the fog from a lot of other people as soon as they know they are not wasting time. And its a waste of time if exposure has NOT be made to OMW. CV and his wife's advice is precious only if YOUR wife's OMW is made aware of his actions. Otherwise its stuff thats good to know, and i was glad to understand their recovery path, but ultimately first things first.

You have to know this.

MSS,

OMW knows. My WW is writing the letter. I will send it to his work address. We don't know his address, and I don't want to keep digging into this to find it. I want no more details. We are working towards recovery, and she has been open with me about what happened. I've checked everything, and it all checks out.

The only detail I would like to see is what is happening with OM and OMW....she hasn't changed her FB picture.

This is not a luke warm recovery, but as I've read, I can't push or over due it. It will take time.

I look forward to any advice from those who are here. I live day by day, hoping the pain dies down.

Holding onto Hope.....!

this was my first sign of real trouble in paradise with OM#2. She had changed his passwords (like I did on everything but her one email account {whole nother story}) and her myspace pic just stayed the same. I vetted an apology to her by my wife for everything she caused the OMW. the pic changed briefly. We didn't have an address by that time either. We sent it to OM's sister's address which I found. Checked a year later and it was the same and her last login was the same. Did some snooping and found out they divorced.


Long rant just to say that sometimes even when we think OM got better than he deserved, we don't always know, the grass ain't always greener.

CV

CV,
When you found out OM#2 had divorced, did you fear he would return to and contact Grace? That is a fear of mine...... It is so new, I'm afraid he will come back and promise the moon and her fogged mind will think the grass would be greener?

Just a question??

I would think she would change pic as soon as possible, but maybe she has withdrawn from FB.

CV,

It sucks knowing that once the trust was broken, it can never really be put back together completely. It is one of those pains we will carry forever.

I trust her that she believes there is more to stay for than to leave for.... I'm trying to avoid LB's and meet all her EN's. It is actually exciting right now making her LB fill up.

I will update with any new information.

Thanks for all the advice and support.

Keep us updated. We're prayin for ya

Thanks CV.

I'm working on forgiving her. I've never had to forgive someone for something so painful or personal. Forgetting I know is out, and I don't want to just dismiss the forgiveness part as a simple act of saying "I forgive you". I love what you did with the washing/cleaning....but I don't think my WW is up for that at this point.
How long after D Day were you able to tell yourself you had forgiven Grace. Do you still find yourself forgiving her. Do the two of you still discuss the PA?

I made notes early on, for my benefit, on what I CAN NOT say to her. I can not use the AF as a weapon, I can not say I get to do something bc of some sort or payback on her part....I did the b4 I found MB. I know I have a burden I will carry, and my quick tongue could be a detriment to our recovery. Do you have any tricks you've used to make sure your angre doesn't cause more harm during recovery.

On a positive note..... The movies have stopped in my head this week. I haven't had a dark thought of them in several days, even then it was quickly removed.

Thanks for the prayers.

My 4-month after dday point happened last week. Forgiving is something I let her earn and she has. And still is doing it.

And I agree, forgetting is never going happen, but it can become much less of a daily/hourly thought (the movies) as time goes on and with your wife demonstrating her remorse and fulfilling her MB obligations.

The trick I use and Ive said it before is when I look at her I see someone who was weak, lacked any confidence, and was very stupid. I manage to make myself feel sorry for her. I dont tell her i feel sorry for her. Its my trick.

Otherwise, I have to live with the assumption my wife went after OM and desired him in every way and I frankly dont want to believe that, despite it probably was true (at least in the earlier days of the A). If you read my story, you'll understand my wife hated OM at a certain point and definitely after dday.

Now, I made it clear those three personality flaws ended on 5/8. If we are to stay together, I need someone who will make smart decisions, act with confidence, and takes control of her life because someday she may be on her own and expecting a man (or OM) to take care of her is a disaster waiting to happen. Like it did on May 8th.

I have no issues with anger lately. I do fight anxiety every so often but that is way less and less. This has to do with the fact that my wife has lived up to what I asked of her in all aspects of our life. And I have done all that I need to do to make her happy.

I have forgiven, not forgotten.

All,

She admitted today, unprovoked, that she still thinks of OM and has to make herself stop. She said she know she never wants to hurt me or them family again. She doesn't want to go back, but still misses him.

I let her finish and told her, "it's only been 2 months, you invested 2 years into him...I don't think you are ready to admit your letting go. All I can do is love you and wait for you to choose. I will continue to do what I can to fill your LB. Thank you for being honest.".

I gave her hug and a kiss on the cheek, and went back to doing what I was doing.

Question for all Waywards...... Do you still think of your other? How can you not? How long b4 you were out of the fog?

Working the plan....one day at a time.

I think you had a good response. Tough to hear those things.

She already chose, Tex. She chose YOU. Don't keep that door open when she's already closed it. CLOSE THE DOOR.

Good job on thanking her for her honesty. That keeps the communication line open.

If she admits it again, which I assume she will, should I tell her to give it more time???

She was 2 years of the EM, and 6 months into a PA.... She will take time to stop remembering him?? The question is a normal time? I will add 6 months to that number.

It seems normal. Patience. You are doing well.

Cv

Thanks MB and CV. Time can not move fast enough.

We talked again last night. She admitted she was angry at me for neglecting her EN and wondered if I even cared about her. That was my fault, and I apologized. She will have to forgive me at some point for my failure, just as I will forgive her for hers. I'm trying to be patient, but it's hard loving someone so much and them not loving you back the way you need.