You are totally right Lost. She is there mother and I too want mine to have a good relationship with theirs, but there will come a time that those kids will want answers-just keep on being the bigger person because this ain't no sprint my friend.

I believe sometimes they want conflict, they want us to erupt on them-that way they can feel like they made the right decisions about our marriage. Personally I always hated arguing with my wife. I loved her too much and respected her too much to ever degrade her--hard to believe that they can put you through the ringer this way and we can still find the "innerstrength" to not engage in that behavior.

Have you put any thought in who you are going to ask to be an IM?

This is exactly me to the TEE.

The IM will have to be non family as WW will attack whoever it is, if it was family. She has been doing it already. Still thinking on this.

See my suggestion box to the Harleys in the Other Topics section - let them know if this service would be good for you. List what you would be willing to pay for such a service so that they know that they'd be able to cover the costs of implementing a formal intermediary program.

KaylaAndy-Interesting never knew something like that exists. Lost maybe something to look into.

Lost--I know I have told you this several times but I think it is imperative that you go plan b soon. You don't deserve to deal with this drama anymore.

I think our situations are pretty similar and I am speaking from experience. I didn't go plan b to save my marriage but to save my sanity. I don't think my ww ever wanted our marriage to be recovered and I have to accept that, but it will be on my terms this time not hers.

We both love the women that we married and both of us have made mistakes but it takes a real man to be willing to swallow our pride and make the necessary changes in our lives for the betterment of our marriage/family. I can sleep at night knowing that!

Fear NO Fear

They don't have it in place yet. But I can't see anybody better for dealing with a chit-STBX wife than Ms. Melody Lane! The experience Ms. Mel has in dealing with abuse would come in handy for Lostman and would provide a welcome reprieve. I'm simply suggesting that the Harleys make it a part of their formal list of services.

An untrained intermediary can be worse than direct contact with a wayward sometimes. This solves that problem!

Bring it, Dr. Harley! I also think it's a fabulous idea!

Thanks, i will look into it. Right now im strapped with bills. Being single and taking care of everything has made things tight. The IM will have to wait for a while im affraid. As long as she is stops trying to pull things i can handle it. but the IM would be so nice and Its something im still considering and trying to work out.

Lost,

How did the weekend treat you?

Sorry haven't been around. Nothing ever settles down in my life. WW is a speeding bullet in the wrong direction. I pity her and her life. I pity the boys as they never want to be with her. Her life is a wreck and she acts as if its so good. There is so much info i have on her but im leery of posting my info. Lets just say that she has been in hospital for surgery complications(so she says) and i would say that its more for Psychiatric evaluation. I dont know how to feel about her anymore. Im scared for my kids to be with her and I so wish that she would get her life on track. How far does she have to go down the whole before she realizes she needs more help than POSOM will ever be able to give her. She scares the crap out of me. I will say that she breaks every moral and ethical rule that she has always stood for all the time now.

Join the club. Mine is an alien, as I think BillCarolina calls it.

I have moved on with my life and have really not been interested in pursuing other relationships at this time. So I guess that is a big negative for me as i have not turned my attention to someone else. Im not ready for that and it would not be fair to anyone else. It really is shocking to me still and hurtful to see her spiraling out of control. As far as WW's go. she has been the one of the worst cases i have read about. Not one positive thing from her, not even on the fence about anything.

Lost,

My D is about final and I too don't have any interest in pursuing any relationship anytime soon either. That time will come and both of us will have the knowledge to build one that is everything we want and deserve. Turn your attention to yourself. We have been through a great deal and it is not selfish in anyway for us to have a self-recovery phase.

Mine has been rodeo. I wasn't even going to go to hardly any this summer because I wanted to focus entirely on my marriage, but as soon as she broke NC that sent us right into a D. I have focused on being around positive people who support me and what I have been through. They don't let me dwell on the "what was" but focus on "what is going to be".

Our ww will have to live with their consequences and those have not even begun to occur I guarantee you!!!!

Have a good one!

Thanks InnerStrength. I wish money would let me do what i would love to pursue. Thanks for the motivation.

I know LostM, my wife fell into drug issues that I thought we had beaten, and she became a raging lunatic, and I had no help from anybody including her church who she had gaslighted also.."Its all my Husbands fault..." They learned after it was to late.

She has lost her mind, and thank God you haven't. I will pray for you and the kids, brings a tear to my eyes.

Tell me Lost, what is it that you would like to pursue? I got into rodeo because my wife really encouraged me to do it. I only got started about 4 years ago. Before that it was baseball, football, track, basketball etc. Lucky for me I have some good friends who have helped me along-with horses etc.

I always sat back and asked my self-what if-then I started to do it and really enjoyed it (even after 2 shoulder surgeries)...it reminds me a lot of what I'm going through right now--at first I had set back after set back but the more I practiced the better I got and my confidence skyrocketed! This will happen with you and myself in our future relationships.

funny thing though I would give up rodeo in a heartbeat to be happily married!!

Ive always been into cars. I have always wanted to build a drag car to take to the track. I currently have a cobra that i have takin, but its not really a car that i want to beat on. This is something we wanted to do as a family and last year i tried. i purchased some cars and got my kids involved. The oldest was having a blast! But there was no support from the other half anymore and i could tell she was somewhere else. I sold all the stuff and gave up. I have taken cars to the track, but i want to get a little more serious. I think i have the talent to build and pursue it, but its costly. I would love to be happy again too.

Sounds familiar.

Its a great challange, and as long as all your ducks are in a row, why not? Your kids will be part of it also, and learn while having fun. Just be careful of your own health, they need you LostM

Refresh our memory, what is the custody arrangement?

If she's really as unstable as you say, why don't you look at tweaking the custody more towards your end? Have the kids seen by a psychologist if needed to document the damage being done, but please try to get them out of this situation wherever possible.

I'd wager that it'll be years before she even begins to get her crap together, don't let her take the kids down with her.

Amen to what NW said

the arrangement is she has them Mon and wed and every other weekend. This translates to she has them 4 hours Monday and Wednesday after school and every other Friday over nite and home by 5 Saturday so the can get up and go to church with me, and a few hours on Sunday. Oh she complains of how much she misses them and how she wants them more, than just conveniently doesn't have them when she needs to take care of posom. Oh and this is the what she wanted on the schedule during her days, and then makes it sound like i made her do it. she complains one minute and gives them up the next. sigh!

She accidentally sent me a text meant for other man a couple of months ago. It said she would do anything to be with him. Talk about sounding desperate. I believe she would so anything, even leaving her kids if he told her to. I dont think that will happen.

My oldest son now knows the truth about her. He figured it out himself and i confirmed his suspicion last nite. Talk about hard stuff. I told him how bad OM was he believes it. He is 9 and the truth about om was never revealed to him until now. Now he asks for special prayers for them 2 split up and maybe mom and dad can get back together in a year or 2. isnt that pretty amazing coming from such a young man? I told them it would take a miracle(especially for me), but god hears his prayers.

CP, i would love nothing more than pursuing the racing. I don't know where i would find the time. Taking care of 4 boys, a house, 18 acres, with school thrown in doesn't exactly leave lots of recreational time. Not complaining, my place is a little boy heaven, woods, trails, four wheelers, bikes, they love it there. Its too bad there mom had to ruin everyones life to get her jollies. But were are moving on the best we can.