I found this website by accident but after reading many of the posts, i realized I was not alone in my situation. I am a 58 year old male who has been involved in an affair with a 46 year old co-worker for 6 years who is recently divorced. She has 2 children ages 10 and 13. My sons are grown and on their own 26 and 30. The 30 yr old and his wife are expecting their first child in Mar 2012. I have been married for 32 years to a wonderful woman who has been a great mother to my sons. As I read Dr Harleys "How do affairs begin" it was like he was writing about me. My wife has never felt comfortable being intimate, even though we did have 2 children, sex to her was something that is not something she has ever gotten pleasure from. I on the other hand have always had a strong sexual appetite. She does not have any physical issues and I suppose her views of sex are the result of a strong Baptist upbringing and her very religious parents. In addirion she has gained some 40+ lbs over the years and has very low self-esteem about herself physically. She is ashamed for me to even see her naked. She has recently lost about 30 lbs but would like to lose 20 more. I had suggested possible plastic surgery to help her become more confident about her body and hopefully would become more receptive to sex, but even then I doubt it without the help of a sex therapist. With all that background, you can guess how I ended up in the situation i have been in for 6 years. What started off very innocently soon turned emotional and then physical. My co-worker is very attractive, slim, and gave me plenty of attention when we were together on business trips. In essence, even before the sex, she was everything I desired from my wife but was never able to have. My co-worker's divorce is finalized this month and she knows there is no future for the 2 of us and wants to begin dating other men. I want her to be happy and I would like to salvage my marriage. Right now I am very very hurt as I know our affair is coming to an end. Over the years I have fallen in love with her but know there is no future for us. The pain in my heart right now is tremendous. I cant think clearly at work and I am moody and distant when I am home. I have no one to talk to so I have turned to this forum for advice and comfort. How long will the pain last? What should I do? Whats to keep this from happening again? My wife did find out about the affair 5 years ago but has thought it has been over. What a mess Im in. But at least I know others have survived and I want to be one of them. Any advice or words of encouragement would be appreciated.
Thanks

Welcome, GW6. Oh dear, this is a mess you've gotten yourself into, isn't it.

The good news is that there is a way out of this! But you're going to have to do some hard work. And that work involves being honest with yourself and everyone around you. That's where it starts.

If you have been reading here, you probably know what comes next. You will have to come clean with your wife and family, as well as your employer.

You will have to stop working with this woman. The only way you can recover from an affair is to end all contact with her FOR LIFE. Are you willing to do that? This will mean that one or both of you will have to leave your job.

Let us know if you are willing to end all contact with her - we'll go from there.

I would strongly encourage you to tell your wife today. That is the first step is making this right. And I want to give you hope that if you will do that, and bring her here, we can help you find the love you want in your marriage.

I want to clarify to you the reasons you had an affair. It is not your wife's fault you had an affair and I would caution you about telling her any of the things you said here. [in conjunction to the affair, that is] The reason you had the affair is because you have poor boundaries around women. There is no other reason. If your wife met your needs 110%, you would still have affairs if you had poor boundaries. So, please don't tell her that she is to blame. She is not.

And more importantly, I would have a plan NOW to end all contact with the OW. You can't work with her anymore and one of you has to leave the job. You do realize this, right?

p.s. once you tell her, I would send her here so we can help her.

GW6,

Affair with..co-worker for 6 years who is recently divorced.

You need to apologize to her H you played an active role in destroying his marriage, no matter what his Wife told you.

She has 2 children ages 10 and 13

I don't know how you can ever make amends to them,

God Bless
Gamma

Ditto what Gamma said. It is very likely that you are the cause of the divorce. You need to apologize to that man and explain the situation so he understands that there was adultery in his marriage.

Still with us, GW? I told you that there was going to be some work involved.

Im still here. Just thinking about the advice and comments. As with any affair there are many other facts that were part of the whole relationship. Had I not been a participant in the affair, would they have gotten a divorce? Chances are 99.9% certain they would have. While there was not any evidence of physical abuse, there was plenty of verbal and mental abuse. Friends and relatives had urged her to leave him before I came into the picture, but she stayed for the kids. Pastoral couseling was not successful and pastor even suggested the marriage was not salvagable. For fear of being piled on, I will say with complete honesty that pursued me as aopposed to vice versa. I am not defending my actions because they were absolutely wrong, but I do not believe I was the reason for the divorce. Have since found out she had a couple of one night stands during last 6 years also.

GW6

She lied to you! I am a BH and I know first hand the lies that come from a wayward. Her BH probably got sick of the neglect that she was putting him through because she concentrated fully on you NOT her own husband.


She destroyed her own marriage and probably is going to destroy yours if you don't ACT right away and listen to these peoples advice.

Don't make excuses! What you did what the **edit** thing you could ever do to your wife--for better or for worse-remember those vows--your wife obviously did..

I had to erase what I wrote because my blood is boiling right now. I will come back after I have calmed down...

Dont disgree with you PTH. Thats why I am trying to reach out here for advice and comments from those that have been on both sides. I am willing to to take my lumps and do believe now I was lied to very convincingly.

I went back and struck everything that was fogbabble, GW. Many waywards really don't know when they're speaking fogbabble, so I want you to be aware when you do. I put in red the ones that weren't fogbabble. Just so you can see the difference.

You're getting distracted by foggy crap again, GW. The point is NOT that she lied to you! The point is that you chose to have an affair with her! Do you not see this? Do you think her honesty or dishonesty factored into your affair?? If she hadn't, as you feel, LIED to you, would you not have had the affair??

You're foggy, GW. Do you see this?

You chose to believe her because it was a comfortable way to assuage your guilt. If a married man came to me and told me he was in an awful relationship, I would say

a)Fix it, or leave then
b) I dont discuss intimate relationship details with members of the opposite sex
and..
c)Oh btw, I'm married too and adultery is WRONG.

If you aren't able to recognise where you have told yourself lies and made ridiculous justifications, you arent going to be able to get yourself out of this fog.

You will just manufacture more.

The next time things get difficult, youll just tell yourself another comfortable story so as to be able to duck your conscience.

You need courage and honesty, not excuses.

Such as: Are you willing to own up to this poor man about how you helped his wife destroy their marriage?

Whatever did or did not happen in their marriage is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, sir!

There are TWO victims here, your poor BW and POSOW's BH.

You did something that you had no right to do...regardless of the state of their M and regardless of anything POSOW's BH might have done.

See how this is going to work? By YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions and you don't rationalize it away by saying but POSOW's BH did XXX or my BW did not meet my needs, blah blah blah.

That type of blameshifting doesn't fly here, sir.




Yes, we already know she is a liar and a cheater and a person who will do what feels good at the expense of others. But then again...you are not any different.

Now, are you ready to put down the crackpipe (OW) and doing what you can to save your M?

Because I don't see much to show that you are serious...and there is not much we can do to help you if you don't go NC and tell your wife THE TRUTH about her life and how you have been hurting her behind her back...

Amen. One of the most painful things about being a betrayed spouse is you just KNOW your other half has whined about you, laughed at you and told lies about you.

My WH told the OW I was 'boring' right in front of me, and later on when I confronted him about it, he said it was a joke I had misunderstood.

IMAGINE the BS he told her when I wasn't around!

With all due respect, that all sounds like the typical bullcrap rationalizations we hear on this forum every day from wayward liars. Your OW is a spouse abuser who abused her husband for some time. Adultery is more abusive than physical assault, so it ludicrous to suggest that your affair with this woman had nothing to do with her divorce.

And of course "pastoral counseling" was not successful, she was in an active affair and very probably lying to them both. Not that pastors even know how to save marriages, they don't. The point is that affairs are devastating to marriage, so you should be willing to accept some of the responsibility. Certainly you are not under the illusion that your affair did her marriage any good?

We are willing and able to help you, but we need for you to get honest. And saying that your affair had nothing to do with it is dishonest.

[/quote] Adultery is more abusive than physical assault, so it ludicrous to suggest that your affair with this woman had nothing to do with her divorce.
[/quote]

I am a long time lurker and have never posted or even registered (until now) but just had to comment on this... I strongly disagree with the above statement. While adultery is abusive, cruel and terrible I don't believe it is worse than physical abuse. Physical abuse can very likely lead to death of the victim whereas adultery, although very painful, rarely leads to death, coma, etc.

And no I am not a wayward but I am a battered wife so I know first-hand how damaging physical abuse is. And I have also been cheated on in my first marriage (why it ended in divorce) and it nowhere compares to the hell I live in everyday.

I am sorry if I seem to be defensive but this is a sore subject for me and I have been lurking here for years and have seen this said time and time again, and just wanted to share my perspective.

Sorry, but many folks disagree with you. I also know first hand how damaging physical abuse is and would rate my XH's adultery as the more traumatic experience. Most people do, in fact. I can't even remember being physically assaulted, I will NEVER forget my XH's affair. Women who have been raped, assaulted or had children killed consider adultery to be the worst thing that ever happened to them. Dr Harley says in his practice, they consider it the WORST thing to happen to a person.

You can disagree, but many others, including Dr Harley, a clinical psychologist, will disagree with your perspective.

That is fine, I am not here to dispute Dr Harley or anyone else. I respect this program and Dr Harley which is why I have been around for years reading and listening to the radio show. I personally would rather be cheated on everyday of the week rather than be physically assaulted or lose one of my children whether that makes me in the minority or not. I will go back to lurking now... sorry for the thread jack.

blueheart, welcome. I'm sorry that you are living in a violent marriage. I'm sure that you are in pain. But I agree that adultery is far worse than being physically abused. I was sexually molested over a long period of time as a child. Guess what event was worse. My H's adultery.

If you are in a violent home, I implore you to waste no time getting out of there. You CAN leave.