Speckledlady...
Again I am so sorry you have lived with this. I am praying for you. Please follow all the excellent advice you are being given. And know that people here are praying for you and that we genuinely care for you. This is not a lynch mob here out to "get" your husband. This is a group of people who know you cannot live this way and that you will live a much better life than you realize if you take the steps in front of you. Please leave the environment you are in. Please.

Prayers and Blessings
Me BS 56
She WW 50
Hers 18, 22
Mine 22, 28, 30
Ours DS 12
D-Day 1 - April 26 2009
D-Dapy 2 - October 15 2009
Exposed February 22, 2010
Me: Reforming Verbal Abuser (and I always will be).
She: still won't divulge OM # 2 despite overwhelming evidence, but slowly, ever so slowly, she is turning towards me. Some days I have hope and that is worth all the pain and patience.

I translate this into "I have written people I don't know who don't have the resources to help me with this situation."

We are suggesting that you do get a consultation at a women's shelter because they DO have resources to help you in that situation. I am fairly sure you are not the first women who has been physically abused and whose husband limits her access to funds. I will be they have seen this before and will know how to get around it and what the best strategy is. You don't necessarily have to leave your home permenantly just because you talk to someone at a Women's Shelter. They will advise you on the best strategies to get you and your kids safe.

OK You do not really have a plan of action yet.

He read your letter and did not seem to care much.
Most of the time he is rather bearable but he has AO's and one a year he becomes violent.

Maybe I am going to make myself unpopular, but couldn't there be an alternative for shelter?

Your resources:
- you make money yourself
- child support
- you can open a bank acount for yourself (you do not have to put in money just yet)
- you may be able to talk to an attorney about options, the first consultation is sometimes free
- You can put money aside by occasionally buying things at the supermarket and returning them later. (e.g. diapers, washing powder) Maybe you can work something out at the gas station, so that they will charge you 10 dollars more each time you fill up the car. You could ask your family to give you money for your birthdayor other occasions. You can sell a few possessions via e-bay or through the local newspaper.

If you have all your resources ready for the worst case scenario, you will feel a little more confident.
When things get ugly, you will be able to transfer your salary and child support to your own account and have something modest to live on.

Then, you can confront your husband, in some form, maybe with the help of a professional and stand your ground. If you really have power over him because he is more or less illegal, that's for the better.
If he really loves the children that much, he will have to make changes.

God bless you and your family,

Happyheart

For those of you who couldn't see what I could do with a tape or what I'd hope to get with one, I managed to secretly record a conversation where I confront him about various times of abuse and have him on it saying things like I deserved to get kicked for 15 minutes it was my fault for making him angry, that I should be happy cause I took karate before so he said hes teaching me to take pain etc. I think it would be foolish for anyone to just run out without any sort of plan. Yes one could just go to a shelter BUT if he contacts the authorities and charges me for kidnapping etc. and I have no proof against him you dont know how things can go. Otherwise any woman who wanted to leave her husband and get full custody would just go to a shelter if it guaranteed she got the kids. Yes its one point towards you but in a drawn out custody issue its really not that much. I've seen these cases end bad and I have a family member who did go to jail for abuse but that was because his girlfriend had proof, before she had proof the authorities took no ones side. So yes I'm working towards making the situation better for myself and my kids but it is tiring being called weak etc. Its always easier to tell someone else what to do but you have to put yourself in their shoes. Imagine packing up and leaving YOUR home to go live in a shelter with two kids. To go from your home from being financially stable with a roof over your head and food to eat to sharing a building with other families with no real privacy and nowhere to go. To lose all financial support for a degenerative disorder etc and hope you can find another source of funding but no guarantee. No guarantee your husband with a rich family wont find a legal way to get the kids and leave the country with them. So again dont be quick to judge. I am trying here.

How can we help you. I have seen so many choices being handed to you, and you immediately hand them back with reasons for why that just doesn't work for you.

How can we help you?

SpeckledLady

I know how hard it is. I didn't take everyone's advice, I didn't move to a shelter.

I prepared in much the same way as you. I began to believe that it wasn't my fault. I would urge you just to speak to the people at the shelter, you don't have to give your name.

I went and sought legal advice, we have the Citizen's Advice Bureau here, and they can tell you and help you work out what money we might be entitled to - I'm sure there must be something similar where you are.

Because I know how hard it is to go then I would second Happyheart's post - much more reasonable to support you in helping yourself be independant. Rather that put you off seeking support.

At the end of the day - I knew it was my decision to stay and work out my plan - I would not have blamed strangers on a forum for not pushing me harder to move out, if the worst did happen. The whole process of making the best decisions for you will give you more self belief.

You are not weak - you are strong - you are working through your choices - you do not come across as weak.

staytogether have you found your past with abuse has started making it difficult to trust any man? I find its starting to mess with my mind a bit. I go out by myself and many men are nice to me opening doors, helping me with groceries etc. but all I can think is you may be acting nice now but are you one of those 25% of men who abuse women behind closed doors? (If that statistic is correct who knows.) Its just creating a distrust of all men in general cause its not like the abusers have a big label on their chest or something. I mean I don't even trust male police officers just cause they wear the uniform doesn't mean they dont go home and abuse their wives too. I find it annoying though because it just makes me look at all men in a negative way. I don't want to be one of those women always going around thinking all men are pigs. I have a hard time feeling happy for any friends getting married, not out of jealousy or anything like that cause I want to scream DON'T DO IT! The moment the chains of marriage are on they are going to turn into monsters! But again most of them wont. I just dont like how negative its making me.

This is really sad that his abuse has brought you to this kind of thinking. No, not all men are abusers. There are some very good men out there who wouldn't dream of abusing their wives. Your husband is the exception.

How can you stay in such a potentially dangerous situation thereby exposing your children to possible violence against their mom, or even them? I understand about the fear of the unknown and how it can immobilize you. Did you know that those shelters will not only give you a safe place to stay but also have the resources to hook you up with an attorney who specializes in Family Violence? They can make your husband accountable. They can prevent him from leaving the country with your children.

One other thing you can do is to notify the state department or whomever handles passports and put a freeze on your children's passports where they would not be allowed to leave the country?

So if you won't leave what kinds of plans are you making to protect your children and you? Do you have an exit plan to get out in case of an emergency?

I'm afraid for you. Even if you stay and he gets violent again, what happens when someone else hears it or figures it out? You know these days people are way less tolerant of these kinds of things and will report it. If an official investigation were made, how would you convince the authorities that you were protecting your children from harm?

Please please get some help. Money isn't more important than your life or the well-being of your children.

I was dubious of all men. Now I'm pretty certain I can pick them out. I don't believe that there is a profession that is immune.

You will feel less negative if you are doing something to keep you and your family safe.

It doesn't matter about other men. You are able to survive by yourself.

Do you have all your legal documents to hand should you need them in a hurry?

Is there somewhere you could stash some clothes - train station locker? in case you want to go in a hurry?

Just having little back ups like this will help your peace of mind. Make you feel like you have a little bit of control (of yourself) back.

Start thinking in terms of the abuse being about control - the fear he creates is stopping you thinking/ doing / being you.

Make yourself a list of who you are and what you stand for, what you want for your life and your children's. Read it whenever you get chance.

Find out where you local shelter is and donate some stuff - they are always grateful of toothpaste and toothbrushes, new underwear etc.

(((speckledlady)))

Verbal abuse is already bad and all the more with physical abuse.

I really stand firm to my principles including how women should be treated. Yes in the earlier times, men really hold the upper hand but tides shift and change.

I think that I have established a pretty good stand with it and should it be evident in the relationship, I surely am in the next ticket out.

Remember there is a difference between going to the office of the womens shelter and asking for advice on a plan and just taking your kids and moving into the shelter. All we are recommending is that you TALK to them. You don't have to move in.
I bet if you look at your local shelter's website they will tell you what kind of services they have and a phone number you could call. Just talk to them so they can help you formulate a plan.

I'm married if 14 years with my wife. When we married we were both Jehovah's witnesses. I have over last few years decided that I dont agree with some of theyre policies and demands as regard to required worship. My wife doesnt accept this and thus we are at a cross road. I don't mind if she wants to pursue this way of life with our kids butdo not want to be active as on of JWs anymore. This is a big deal as you might imagine escpecially if you know what is expected and taught in the church. Being that she feels I made this commitment when we married to fullfill this course of life with her she demands I maintain association and passion to "serve our god " togethr as JWs. As you can expect this is #1 out of top 5 emotional needs she has on her list for me meeting to cause her happieness. I am meeting the other 4 pretty well but not fullfilling # 1 is not good. Can you give me any suggestions to better deal with this major issue. I love my wife dearly and want to be with my family. It's just that not being able to fullfill her on this is causing her to feel thaT we may not have a future together. This is so sad being that the religion pretty much teachs and instills that if one partner changes there mind about being a JW its highly difficult to carry on a happy marriege. Please help me if you can. Thanks!!

Jason, please start up a new thread with your topic so others can help you. No one can see you down here at the bottom of someone elses thread. Just click on "new topic" and paste this post into the body.

Thanks!