Ok Tex, this I believe is a move in the right direction. Frame it in terms of boundaries. What is acceptable and what is not. If you are comfortable with it, post your letter here and let us help you refine it. I would draft initially the letter in this way and then work on refining it:

Dearest Wife,

I want to tell you from the outset that I love you and want what is best for us as a family. It is for this reason that I write you this letter. We have committed to recovery, yet real recovery is being halted at every turn. This is unacceptable to me and for our family, a one sided effort will not recover our marriage. In order for our marriage and family to continue intact and to improve, there must be real changes. You must commit 110% to this plan.

1) No contact. This means Facebook, asking friends or relatives or whoever about OM, phone or anything that has to do with him. No reminiscing.

2) An understanding and admission of the devastation you have brought into the family through selfish behavior, and a commitment to stop it immediately. You are continuing to think and act in selfish and destructive ways. You and OM stole from our family in terms of time, affection, money and other things that were not rightfully his or yours to give.

3) Sexual fulfillment. There must be a willing desire to commit to this for recovery. You must stop thinking about OM in regards to this. It is unacceptable behavior. It was not good. it was dirty and seedy, because it was simply wrong.

4) You have spent _x_ amount of years being self-loving, self-serving and uncaring towards your family. It is unloving to the children as well as me to have engaged in the affair and to continue thinking this way. It is time to stop, whether you are still in contact, or are mentally holding onto him with memories. The learning curve has become very short. There must be commitment from you immediately, and drastic improvements made for you to stay with me and the children. Love is not enough, for either the children or myself. You MUST ACT.

5) We have done the emotional needs questionnaire and others (list them here). You must begin working on (re)building romantic love in our relationship and meeting this family's (and mine in specific) emotional needs. You cannot remain a free-loader. This can be done if you commit to it and work.

I love you wife. You mean everything to me, but your inaction is killing the family and it is not acceptable and will not continue. This is not open for debate. You MUST work to remain here.

Know also, that you will not be working alone. I will be working alongside you as your helpmate, your partner, your friend, your lover and your husband. Our children will also be working alongside us to recover.

Your loving husband,

Tex

Now, as we said in the Marines... Men, this is your rally point (your thread here on MB). You know your mission and have your gear in order. Take the hill, stay in contact with your command post which is here at the rally-point. Mission accomplishment is first order. Troop welfare is second.


In English that means come here for advice and strategy (as you have been doing), charge ahead with your MB tools and come back to the rally point for supplies and reinforcements. You mission is recovering your marriage and you must set aside yourself for a time to accomplish this.

CV

One other thought occurred to me after re-reading your thread (ok it is more than 1)...

You mentioned waaay back in your thread that she had a friend that was kind of passing on info or was somewhat sympathetic to her A? Did she ever break that relationship or is she still in contact with he friend. It may be that she is a conduit for info being passed (even if it is just passing on updates about OM).

It can act as a trigger hindering her recovery.

Another question (and feel free to blow me off on this if you don't want to answer religious questions): Are you guys plugged into a church somewhere? Some Churches are better support than others.


Ok, if you need an e-ear to bend, you can notify a moderator and they can pass on my email to you.

CV

CV,

You have given me plenty to work with, thank you. I was on the same path. My question to you is, How long after your DDay did you have your Come to Jesus talk with Grace? Was your forgiveness cleansing b4 or after this talk, if after, how long?

I feel like I've gotten my recovery time line all screwed up by not drawing the line in the sand weeks ago....just when I feel like I am ready to forgive her, she drops a flaming bag of poo in front of me.

MSS,

You are correct.....she is in need of a stronger set of boundaries. They are now in place.

HurtingTurkey,
Your skills in managing this situation are correct. She will be asked to validate her plans to work on the recovery, not just say she will, or that she needs more time.

Thanks again to everyone, I head into battle now, I will check back regularly.

This is for all Vets.......

Who is the senior wayward who fully recovered in this forum??

Who is the senior BS who fully recovered??

It's not that I discount those who did not recover. Just curious.

When my WW gets here, I want to make sure those senior members know she is here.

Good morning Tex,

These are kinda tricky questions. I think you will find that "Recovered" means different things to different folks. Some BS who's marriages ended with divorce have moved on to new marriages and they feel "recovered". Others may have been on the list for 6 months and they feel they are "recovered". I guess what I'm getting at is that when your wife comes here she's going to have the opportunity to talk with all types of folks. Some of them she will click with and others she will feel hurt by and still others she will just not understand.

The key will be for her to be HONEST, even when it hurts. There are many posters, both BS and FWS, that have lots of good things to share. So just because some one has been on the list for 8 years that doesn't mean that they are going to be the best person for the job.

Take comfort in knowing that this is a group effort. :-)

One last thing, more than likely, your wife will set the tone for her thread. The way she responds will be really important...MB folks can usually smell a bull sh**er a mile away! I hope I get a chance to "meet" Mrs. Tex soon.

And do let us know how the letter works after you have your sit down.

You will be in our prayers and on our minds.

CV

Remember, Tex, that "recovered" is rather subjective.

Sometimes, a wayward is "recovered" if they take full responsibilities for their decisions leading to adultery, even if it has cost them their marriage.

Sometimes, for the betrayed, divorcing a persistently wayward spouse and getting their life back is "recovered."

When including those terms for "recovered" this list you seek is extensive.

Please note that some of the most successful marriages here are had by those who have had the misfortune of being on both sides of the fence, and have finally learned what it takes to have a successful marriage.

Great weekend.... We had our talk, Saturday she woke up early with me and made breakfast, we had a short make out session b4 I left for football games. I help with a church league. She and DD's came up later. Afterwards we ran a Warrior Dash together. I stayed with her the entire time to make sure she finished. She did. I was so proud of her. When we got home, a shower together helped clean our body and souls. Dinner together that night alone.

Sunday we slept in.... Coffee on the deck, talked about next weekends trip. We have playoff tickets for the Rangers. Movies with DD's, trip to mall, stop by ice cream shop, home for bedtime. I rubbed her sore legs and she massaged my shoulders.....

I feel very good about the progress we ( she ) made. She was more open, more physical, and not a single negative remark. There was no sex, but I had bad timing. Mother natures Aunt Flo paid a visit, but she did other things to meet my needs. Let's hope this is a turning of the page.

There were so many post, I don't want to miss any questions.

CV, we are involved in a church....very involved. Between you, me and other believers..... The devil is the master of deception. He can get to even the best of us.

Grace,
You are one lucky lady.... Great man you have. Of coarse you already knew that.

As far as vets.... I will let you guys know when she comes here. She will hopefully come soon. She and I are seeing a therapist who encouraged me to join this group. She says she believes good people can help good people when in need. She is concerned for my WW to join until her emotions are under control. WW is going to see a Pych this week. ADHD and hoarding issues?? Stay tuned.

Hope everyone had a weekend like mine, if so, the world would be a better place.

The "talk" went like this....

Over the past several months you have put a lot of time and energy into a relationship you knew was wrong and knew would not last. I am asking, that over the next month, you put that same energy into OUR relationship. You have injured me to the point I feel worthless at times. You have to stop with the "I'm trying, and start doing". There is no try, there is only do or do not. You know my needs, you know what I want, you must start meeting those needs. This weekend is for us, we either use it get closer, or we waste it....your choice. I will not play second fiddle to a lost fantasy.... If you want to make this work, and you have said you do....start acting like it....treat me like the man you want to be with, the man you married, fathered children with and have long range plans with.....not the man who pays the bills.

She said she would, she kissed me, we hugged. Kissed a few more times. That night, she fell asleep in my arms in bed. Big move forward in my eyes.

We are also doing the "Love Dare".... A series from Fireproof. Found it on our day out at the mall. It is nice to be working on a goal like this together. Still working MB plan, but this is a cute and sometimes interesting way of connecting. At this point, any conversation we have about how much we love each other is a step forward.....

Glad to be moving forward and not looking back.....

This is good news. I thought love dare was one of those games you play with dice... ;-)

The dice version is a little different I'm sure..

We have also planned a few more trips together..... Time away together is always nice. Sporting events are fun too.

Open conversations are easier now...... It's like the first time you have to get naked.....now it's like no big deal.... Big probably not the right word...ha ha.

Have a good Monday. Talk to you later.

Another good day. Moods seem to be good for both of us....

One point, I did ask about the "friend" who helped hide the PA....they have stopped communication on any timely fashion. She has texted and spoken a couple of times, and knows her relationship with her helped keep the fantasy alive. She and I know that the friendship is dead, and they will end all communication at some point. Is this a must right now? Is this a trigger for her.....it has not been for me.

Any insight?

It is an absolute must. It is a sad result of affairs that friendships are lost, but i can almost guarantee that she is being triggered through this. She should write her a letter explaining why they can no longer be friends. Something like this:

Dear friend,

I am sorry, but because of my Affair and your support of me while I was doing this, I can no longer be friends with you. I am sorry that I have caused this and have no hard feelings. It is just not safe for me to have a relationship with you. I need to focus on my husband and recovering my marriage, which is now my number one concern.


With apologies,
WifeofTex

Thanks CV.....

Removed her from FB as well. I would prefer she not know anything about our lives.

Her MIL and FIL go to our church, but she has moved to a different church. Hopefully we won't run into her anywhere.

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers.

good deal. We had biiiiiiig (texas big) problems with W's parents not long after d-day. Her dad was drunk and shoved our DD against the wall (we weren't there, but found out later from BIL) and ended up chewing FIL out over the phone and then meeting them.. Between finding out about 2 a's and them, I remember looking at my wife after the sit-down (whole nother story) and said "have anything else you want to do today?"

Her reply "yes sir, let's shovel the rest of the sh*T out of our lives..."

we forthwith proceeded to do that. OM1 still lives in town. In all our years here, I have never run across him. Not 1x in 10 years.

I am hopeful that this is the start of good recovery for you both. Time will be the test of it.

CV

Checking in....

Weekend was tough. She has gone backwards, and withdrawn physically from me.

We have had a tough week. Her phyc visit led to a Bi-Polar diagnosis and a new set of meds. They have been different reactions and she is very tired. She says she doesn't know why the world seems to be crashing in around her. The phyc used her condition as a measure of why she is unorganized and needy.....say bi-polar has many aspects and neediness can be one of those.

Life for me and the kids will be rough for the next few weeks as they adjust her meds.....I don't expect any good movement during this time. My schedule has been putmon hold.

Anyone else have depression or bi-polar issues with their Wayward??

Trying to stay positive.

Ugh. Sorry to hear this. I don't have much experience with it at all, wayward W or no... Give the meds time and hang in there. We are here for you!

CV