Sounds like a great time. Missed phone calls..kinda like the corona commercial when he skips the phone like a rock on the ocean..lol

What could be more fun than a horse back ride, on a trail hopefully with well behaved horses.. but still for me it would be nostalgic because of how much I rode as a child, no matter how they behaved.

Mom taking you out to buy clothes, the remote location, being home and recharging your batterys. Awesome!


I was thinking about something and I wonder if you can relate PR. Do you think maybe it is time to stop trying to fix what we can't? My 20 year old was here the other night, and in a moment of compassion towards me, he said, "Its ok Dad, you can take care of yourself now, you have done enough service for others"

Of course taking care of myself is probably the best service to others I could ever do anyways, but he was talking about the balance.

But in my own insecurity and wanting to help make the world a better place, for myself if I am honest, have I left out God and his peace in my equation? How much have I taken on that I never had control of anyway?

It doesn't matter why I did right now, because I wont see the reason anyways as long as I am in the midst of my own deception. Whats important is to trust and let it go, and let God deal with all of it.

Including me and my inner peace that things will be alright because He is allways watching over me, even when I am asleep.

Going away on this trip sounds like a great place to calm your spirit, put it all behind you for a spell.



I think I need to practice meditation and controlling the thoughts in my mind by letting them go. I used to know how to do this, but I have let myself get soft and lazy. Sometimes letting go is the most responsible work you can do.

PR,
I hope you have a good relaxing time away and enjoyed your Mother's Day...cue us in on how things are going for you when you get back, okay?

This post strikes me the most as to what I wanted to see happen for you, maybe because of my own history with my alc WW. Let me assume something for the sake of argument. That you are a caregiver type of person, and one that believes that everyone can change, and that what you do might have something to do with them changing.

Personal accoutability to God aside, and loving them as God would have us, does not mean they will reciprocate that love. Love is a free will action, and depends on thier ability to love, and thier accountability to love. You can only be an example to them as a free relationship with love and self-respect, you can't hope that what you do will mean anything to someone messed up as WH.

As much as you see/saw in him and want to help, the best thing is to let him go and let God deal with him. I was gone for two years, and thought I could still bring about change in my WW if I returned to the marriage, but I too still had that blind spot. If he doesn't get his "come to Jesus" moment all by himself, and get treatment for his drinking, no matter how he looks and behaves on the outside, he will not get better. Take from me, I made the mistake of returning and forgiving, and putting on that yoke again. The problems were just masked and they came back out years later, and I am still getting over the guilt for my arrogance.

He is an alcoholic, and he will be for life, once this sickness and escape mechanism gets ahold of you, regaurdless of why, it has you and you have to get help to maintain sobriety. He has chosen drink over reality, you didn't do it for him, he chose it, and you can't help him with that choice, ever.

I agree with your IC, and that maybe in the far distant future you can have some form of relationship, but I surely hope you will set the bar high, and wonder if you realize why you were drawn back even for that one night, into thinking you wanted to be around him.

I am worried about you, you are a hard working responsible giver of a woman. willing to lay down your life for others, much like me at one time in the past. But I ignored what others said about alcoholics, and though I was strong enough and could prove that my love was valuable to someone who also latched onto me exploiting my good nature.

In the end it proved that it was my weakness to allow such behavior towards me, and such lack of respect for my weak humanity, and value within myself. You can play savior to others, and help them repent, but you are setting yourself up for failure, once you cross that line into accepting such treatment in a marriage.

Thats is probably the best I can do to explain the differance between loving someone and enabling them to such a strong and willing person as yourself. Hoping I reached you, and you can work on letting go of Him and trusting God again for your future. Remember to look for the fruit of the spirit, and don't eat from the bad trees that produce the bad fruit. As much as you may want to tame this guy, all you are doing is allowing him to stay one of Gods Brats, let him get his time in the woodshed, he needs it.

Don't know why I am obbsessed with your story, I just see so much determination in you to make things right, and you are no quitter either. Just remember to see him for who he really is, and what he does is that exactly. I beleive that with God there is no marriage at any cost, and he takes matters in his own hands when we allow people to hurt his people, including ourselves. It happened to me too. Make me think of the scripture. "Obedience not sacrifice" It can be tricky when we love someone and have sacrificed much of our life for them, but doesn't God want us to maintain our relationship with Him first, and love ourselves as He loves us?

Lets not let anyone into our lives that doesn't do that also and we can agree with huh?

What are you doing Phoenix, though to HEAL yourself? The trip is a great idea and what you need. That's great.

But what are you actively doing? Are you going to go get an IC for personal recovery? Are you going to give the wh the plan B letter and divorce papers and let that go *unless he is willing to carry the heavy load and do the hard work of successfull rehab and then therapy with Dr. Harley*?

YOU invest in yourself right now! That's what you need! that and some new clothes and hug that boston! (I've got one too)

Hi Phoenix
have fun on your trip.
God will take care of your WH, not you.
You have to do nothing, WH is destroying himself on his own.
It is very possible he will be able to carry on in this limbo for a # of years till something will shock him and he will finally hit rock bottom.
There is no way to tell when and if he and all the WH like him will hit rock bottom.
But that is the only way they will come to terms with themselves and change.
Pain is the greatest teacher and most of the time people have to go thru an great amount of pain to awaken and ask forgiveness and truly walk a different path.
Till then is just a show, and they temporary chance of behavior just...temporary.
How much pain do you want to endure for this guy?
In my case the pain was so great that started to impact my health. The doctors have told me clearly to let WH go otherwise it will destroy me and my health.
Think of you and only you. Get into this habit for a while.
Have fun and relax
blessing

How are things going, Phoenix? Hopefully you're completely dark, and refusing to carry around even an ounce of WH's garbage. It's not yours, you didn't make it, it's not your job to clean it up.

The litmus test for taking back any wayward is their actions. Words are never enough. Their actions, over time, need to consistently demonstrate that they are a changed person.

In the meantime, you need to become a person who does not make excuses, e.g. "I didn't know he was drunk till later," instead of the very obvious you KNEW he was drinkING.

I know you're capable of laying aside all excuses, whether for yourself or other, and owning up to your own errors in thinking. After all, the first step to changing anything is to recognize it.

Amen Neak

How are you PR?

I am back just to give everyone an update. I had a blast at the Cajun Fest. While I was gone my H drank the whole time and constantly text me telling he wanted me back home. I cme home on the day I said I would.

H didn't drink for a couple of days and the day before I was to return to work I got sick on some strawberry puree used in a drink. H was worried about me and made me stay the night so he could keep an eye on me. Unfortunately he had been drinking again but had stopped about 7PM that night. He kept waking me up to check on me and the last time I saw him was 0230. At 0315 I got up worried about him and found him unconscious on the floor. I got him up and he couldn't talk, he couldn't focus on me, he could not even sit up, and he had peed on himself. I thought he had had a stroke. I called in sick to work and called an ambulance. I was so glad that I did not panic. I did assess him though. My nursing training kicked in. H was so confused but his CT was negative for a stroke. Neurologist said H had an alcohol induced seizure. He was in the hospital for 3 days. During that time he was in 4 point restraint and held down by 6 people, one of them me and one of them being a doctor. H doesn't remember anything.

Day after H got out his brother told him that he had the world by the a$$ and that he f----d it up. Brother-in-law chewed him out then called me to talk.

I convinced my H to go to Idaho to see his family and he left June 9th and has never returned. He has hurt both of his daughters and our youngest is now pregnant with our first grandchild. H has decided to run away from home. Our daughters want nothing to do with him and they call him a user which he is and what is the problen isthat he didn't use to be that way. Right now H is trying to create a new life and is trying to start a new family with his 30yr old son and his daughter. Funny thing is is that he has had nothing to do with his son for 30yrs. Also H is now having an affair with his sister's sister-in-law. And she is divorced with 5 kids. She is also fat, ugly and uneducated. I know that this is not about me but about him. H has no job, no driver's license and no prospects. The town he lives in has 3800 people in it and he has to live with his brother and his wife. His whole family is just enabling him. H is still drinking heavily and smoking heavily and it is taking a toll on him. My H use to look younger than he was and was good looking and now he looks a lot older than his age. I know that eventually he will screw up royally and make a lot of people very mad. He is on a very self-destructive path, at least his family will have to take care of it now.

Don't worry about me, I am doing fine. I am filing for divorce in January. That is when the the new hospital group will be taking over my hospital and they are cashing in our sick days and our vacation days and I will have a very large check coming to me. I will be able to pay my bills off, get a divorce and have money left over for school. I'm also planning on redoing my bedroom floors and redecorating the house. I have also cut my hair off and dyed it a mahogany color and I look HOT! Planning on going to our annual Halloween party on Oct 22, so I'm not just sitting here doing nothing. I am doing things and making plans for the future. My H loss not mine.

I'm not going to lie, I still love him and I do still pray for him but I'm going on with my life and divorcing him will the best thing I can do for me.

You go, girlfriend! It's the better part of wisdom to know that it's time to step away from the madness.

You'll be fine. Your WH, on the other hand...

I am super gad to hear that you are doing well, even if your WH decided to flush himself further down the toilet.

It's also nice that you are taking care of yourself. Just remember not to start dating until after the D. With you looking HOT, you are bound to get men hitting on you.

I have been going out with friends, getting pedicures and manicures, spending time with my daughters, going to movies, and just doing whatever I feel like doing. This weekend I felt like doing nothing and that is just what I did-nothing.

I do feel bad for my daughters because they feel like their dad has deserted them and he has. My DD 21, the one who is pregnant, told her dad that as soon as she got rid of his stuff that she was done with him. He has hurt her so much. H 30 yr old son, who he has had nothing to do with, is married and his wife is pregnant and due in Dec and my H is so excited and wants to be there for the birth, but he doesn't even talk about DD21's pregnancy. DD21 forced him to on facebook but he doesn't even mention it anymore. She can't even stand her brother and says he isn't her brother and he is *edit*, and he is, and that his wife is even bigger *edit*, which she is. What is funny, is that H son has a father/dad and it isn't my H. My H is just a sperm donor. My H is just screwing himself. In the end he will have no one. The reason I say this is that he has lost his daughters, his son is only around because he wants something from my H but doesn't realize that my H has nothing, and he is going to do something stupid in that small town he lives in and make a lot of people mad. Oh, well.

I guess your WH's bottom was a lot further down than all of us realized.

I agree. You would think that losing 2 jobs, getting a DUI, losing his family, not having a job, no money, and no driver's license he would have hit rock bottom. He even has become an alcoholic and had an alcohol induced seizure. He has to live with his family and rely on them for everything. Actually, I'm surprised he can find a woman who would have him. He is almost 49 yrs old with nothing and no prospects. She must be pretty ugly and very hard up. Actually, I have seen a picture of her and she is not attractive, fat and no education and living in an area that has only 3800 people in it, I guess she is pretty hard up. She can have him.

Phoenix thanks for checking in.

Part of your true recovery will be actively involved in Alnon especially your daughters.

Your WH like mine is dual addicted to the A and the bottle. As long as he is with both there will be no change.

Work on yourself and take the tough love approach. You can't save him only yourself.

I have no contact with my H at all since he decided to stay in Idaho. He doesn't contact me and I just leave him alone. I am pretty content with my life as it is. There is no drama and I like it that way. Just taking care of me. And what is great is that at the beginning of the year I will only have a house payment to make and hopefully I'll be divorced by the time I turn 47 on March 6th. I don't want the divorce but I have no choice anymore. I am not even going to tell my H I am doing it, he will find out when he gets served the papers in Idaho.

Good to hear you are healing and doing what you can for the DDs

I agree on the Alanon counseling also for them. The damage goes deep.

Take good care of yourself and get lots of support, you have ben through a lot.

{{{{{Phoenix}}}}}

I have been talking to my parents over the last several days. My parents are glad that I am finally going to divorce my H but wish that I didn't have to. After the divorce is final my parents are going to deed me their house and property so that if anything happens I will already have it. My father says that my H will be back soon but I don't think so. My father said, "oh, yes he will." I hate it when my Dad says things like this because he is never wrong. I hope he is wrong this time.

This year has been pretty tough for my family. I have lost 2 cousins in the past 4 months and I have an uncle who needs a heart transplant and if he doesn'tget it by his 60th birthday in December he won't be eligible anymore because he lives in Scotland and that is the cutoff for them there. I know that when he dies that my aunt will probably die soon after. She will just give up the will to live because she will have no one else since my cousin committed suicide about 10 yrs ago.

Youngest daughter has cut off all contact with her father now. I wish she wouldn't but she is tired of her father and his drama and his using everyone. She is wondering who will buy him a ticket home when everyone gets tired of him in Idaho. I actually had to laugh at that one.

Alnon? are you attending??? Your whole family will benefit from this. His alcoholism is making the family sic.

Of course you might have figured by now, that one of my concerns was for your DD, because honestly, protecting the children is protecting you. I am sure you see, that DDs bouncing loyalies during this, that have hurt you, are just on the surface of what she will need to be safe in her long life.

Now you might not feel that you need alanon, because you have performed so well, keeping all these plates spinning and held the roof on the house and family so well, but all this hero acting although very admirable,(I admire your strength and conviction I really do), but DD could use some understanding, for herself, so she can heal balanced.

Proverbs 3:13-15
King James Version (KJV)


13 Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth understanding.

14 For the merchandise of it is better than the merchandise of silver, and the gain thereof than fine gold.

15 She is more precious than rubies: and all the things thou canst desire are not to be compared unto her.

Of course this is for you also, and there are a multitude of wise counselors at Alanon meetings, who you can share with also, as you put this part of your life behind you.

Do not be afraid.