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Joined: Apr 2001
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I am a christian and in order to protect myself and my heart I refuse to allow bitterness and un-forgiveness consume my heart. Even if things don't work out with us I still choose to forgive in walk in love because I don't want to be that person who is filled with hatred. 0630, Christian forgiveness should be based on repentance and just compensation. I don't get the sense here that your husband is in the least repentant if he would want to keep this secret from your families. Adultery affects the whole family and this is a time that you and your H most need their support. Telling the family would be a source of great support for your marriage and if your H is sincere, he won't object to that. Giving your H blind forgiveness when he has not earned it is not healthy for your marriage. Dr Harley recommends just compensation because this will ensure the recovery of your marriage: "First let's try to understand what forgiveness is. One illustration is telling a person who owes you $10,000 that he won't have to pay you back. You "forgive" the debt. In other words, forgiveness is eliminating a obligation of some sort.
But we generally don't think of money when we think of the need of forgiveness. Instead, we are concerned about inconsiderate behavior that has caused us great pain and suffering -- the pain that an affair causes, for example. Forgiveness in these situations means thinking about the person as if the offense never took place. That is extremely difficult to do. The offended spouse usually thinks, what can he or she do to make it up to me. How can I be compensated for the pain I've suffered.
To make matters worse, whenever a wayward spouse sees me for counseling there is rarely regret and rarely a willingness to compensate the offended spouse. They usually ask to be forgiven, but that doesn't mean he or she is deeply remorseful. It usually means that he or she doesn't want us to bring up the subject anymore, or require a change in behavior. In other words, the wayward spouse wants the pain suffered by the offended spouse to be ignored or forgotten. Like a $10,000 debt, they want it forgiven, and then they want to borrow another $10,000.
I'm in favor of forgiveness in many situations, but this isn't one of them. In the case of infidelity, compensation not only helps the offended spouse overcome the resentment he or she harbors, but the right kind of compensation helps restore the relationship and prevents the painful act from being repeated.
In most cases, an offended spouse would be unwise to forgive the wayward spouse without just compensation. It's like forgiving a friend of the $10,000 he owes you, when it's actually in the friend's best interest to pay you in full because it would teach him how to be more responsible with money.
As it turns out, in every affair there is a way to adequately compensate the offended spouse that is good for the offender and good for the marriage. At first, the offended spouse may not want to be compensated. He or she may try to get as far away from the offender as possible to avoid further pain. But if the spouse asks for forgiveness along with a willingness to compensate, the offended spouse is usually willing to entertain the proposal."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 11
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OP
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I hear what your saying and I will think about it. He said he would talk to my family and tell them what he did. It may be a me thing because I really don't want to be looked at with pity. There is obviously shame that plays part in the whole situation. Shame and embarrassment on my behalf. It would be hard for me to let them know at this point while I am still recovering that this happened to me. I even talked to him yesterday and he said he would go to their house and let them know everything. If I wanted but I just don't know if I want to then I would have to rehash everything and it will hurt all over again. I am at a better place now then I was before and even though it was three months ago it will be like brand new to them. I just want to give myself more time to heal and continue my therapy before hand. That is how I deal with things. I usually don't want to talk about it right away. He was actually surprised that I didn't tell them when I found out. He thought that I would have called them first. But besides the family part everything I asked as far as compensation has been given without hesitation. I will be thinking about another way he can be accountable besides my family until I am ready to share. I did ask him to get counseling individually and with a marriage counselor and we are doing that. He is talking with one of the elders of the church and all his friends know. If you can think of something else please let me know. Thanks
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Joined: Apr 2001
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0630, it would help both of your healing if he went to your families and told them the truth NOW. First off, it would get you the support you need and secondly, it would greatly help HIM in his recovery by telling them what he did. They can help hold him accountable. It will help so much in removing the fog.
I would not wait to do this, because you don't want to delay some great support and more importantly, you want to get it out there NOW and then stop discussing it. If you wait, all you do is bring back to the forefront. GEt this done now so you can move onto next steps and ensure a more solid recovery.
The fact that he wants to do this tells me he is serious and that is a good sign. It is obvious he understands how important this is to his recovery.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
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There is obviously shame that plays part in the whole situation. I don't see the obvious shame, 0630. My husband was unfaithful to me. I feel no shame over that. Pity for HIM, yes. The people who know about the affair have said that they admire me for my commitment to our marriage.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Joined: Apr 2001
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0630, it is ok to feel embarrassed about this. I was embarrassed too. As far as shame, that is not rational because you have done nothing wrong. HE HAS. And yes, he will feel ashamed. That is a good thing, not a bad thing.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,093
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0630,
If you were robbed, you would not feel shame for being a victim of a robbery.
The OW and your WH robbed you of fidelity in your marriage.
If you were cheated, you would not feel shame for being the victim of a cheating scam.
Your WH cheated on you.
If someone lied to you about the truth of your life, you would not feel shame for not knowing what was really happening behind your back.
Your WH lied - repeatedly - to keep you from knowing the truth of your life.
If someone blamed you for making you the victim of their bad behavior, you would not feel shame, because the other person was the one in the wrong.
Your husband pointed his finger in your direction, blamed you for his affair, and told the OW things about you that were never true.
There is not shame in being a betrayed spouse. You did nothing wrong.
What you are feeling is a need to protect your husband, and to keep others from judging you because you want to save your marriage...
in spite of the fact that your husband CHEATED ON YOU.
You think other people will see you in a negative light
will try to talk you out of it
will criticize your decision
will judge your husband negatively
will say things to you and him that you don't know how to answer
You are afraid that you will have to stand up and explain yourself
and you just do not feel strong enough to have to do all of that right now.
It's all too much.
It's all too complicated to try to explain to anyone...why would anyone want to keep a spouse who has cheated on them??????????
How could he do this???????
And how could you ever explain that, after he did it, you still LOVE AND WANT HIM?????
That's why you don't want other people to know.
You want to protect your husband and yourself from all of the questions. To protect your marriage from the future of people looking at it as "the marriage that survived the affair", and "is it really a good marriage????" and "are they really in love, or ..........????"
You don't want to have to deal with the crappolla that comes with the prying eyes and comments.
I get that.
What you can get, if other people know:
Support
AMAZEMENT from others that you CAN fall in love again
Other people asking you how you did it, when they see it can be done
More advice from people you never suspected who have been through it themselves
An honesty about the marriage that makes you feel much safer
And finally, you and your husband no longer have to feel like you are hiding. Because that just will not work.
Schoolbus
Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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