I love that show. I only recently got to start watching it, but even as a 22 year old I love it.

Especially the Trash Heap.

Though some people don't seem to think she's flattering--I've read that someone (I forget who) thought she was, "Someone's idea of revenge on a Jewish mother-in-law."

It is funny how in Plan B updates are more about my life and processing... but I hope in some way they help others reading. It helps me to write, I think I might start the journal back up...

I had a good weekend. Got the train to the city, met with friends and went out bar hopping. Too much alcohol, a little bit of dancing, and lots of laughing. Some tears as well, as my friend has known me since age 9 and husband since he was 18. She still can't believe he has done this, but supports me 100%.

I did get triggered today though, and launched into a big panic mode. I have since talked myself out of it and hopefully the anxiety lessens soon. It was all to do with my friend relating to me her seperation and divorce from her XWH. I had not heard the graphic account when it happened a few years ago as I was travelling and she was actually pretty quiet about it over the phone. And I was not as supportive as I could have been, just ignorant really.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, her XWH had a ONS, told her about it and then became suicidal. My poor friend, the day after D Day, was trying to sort out suicide watch and mental health plans rather then dealing with her own shock and pain. Her XWH then seperated from her and launched into another affair pretty quickly. She spoke about his spiralling down and not being able to deal with the guilt. I recognise he is very different person to my WH, but I started to think about what my WH would do if the affair ends, or if reality starts to hit. My husband was always a strong man emotionally, but then again, whenever the s#@t hit the fan, I was there to offer support and help him through it. And there were crisis moments....

He has no support in UK, or didn't until affair. Just work colleagues and one couple who were close but I know previously he would never have opened up to them. Doubt this has changed since during Plan A he yelled at me for contacting them with questions about his affair as he doesn't think we should burden them with our problems. Yep, fog talk.

WH is in a country he desperately wanted to leave to return to Aus.
WH is in a job he really doees not like (prior to affair anyway).
WH is away from his siblings in Aus who he really wanted to increase contact with. Siblings have their own families and contact is likely intermittent. I am unsure how supportive they have been to him since exposure, where putting pressure on him prior to this to reconcile with me.
WH's cousin committed suicide last Dec, which I think deeply upset WH as it triggered a lot of his own unresolved grief about his parent's and brothers tragic deaths 10 years ago this year.
My WH has access to guns through his work.
My parents have in a sense become foster parents since his own parent's deaths. They have now cut all contact and are in their own Plan B really.
My friends (who were also close with WH) have supported me and not contacted him. In some ways WH was closer with and had more contact with my friends then his.

Okay, I'm in Plan B and none of this is really my concern. And I have no reason to believe he is anywhere near rock bottom. But the anniversary of his parent's and brother's death is in early October... this will be the first year I am not with him through it. Maybe this is also about my grief (I was close with his family too). And the fact that it is my b'day next week, and our 12th wedding anniversary the week after.

Regardless of all of these feelings and words that are likely not making any sense, I am strangely feeling stronger... I hope it lasts and gets me through the next fortnight.

Being a wayward Caracal, is like being a very very selfish child. They think on a lesser level, are controlled by their whims and emotions (think a child stealing a toy from another yelling, "It's MY truck!"), and are ego-centric meaning the world revolves around them.

Some are so bad that they become full blown narcissists, wanting every need and bit of attention they can get. My xwh is one.

Fwiw, my xwh once threatened suicide after a d day. He locked himself in the guest bedroom with a gun. I grabbed my child and left the house and called 911 and our Sunday school teacher. The police came, talked to him through the door and left. Said he was NOT suicidal, just threatening and he slid the gun out through a crack. My sunday school teachers (a married couple) came over and talked to him too (through the locked door) and they said that (after they spoke with him) that he was behaving like a child, angry that his affair had been caught, and he was angry that he had to choose and that nobody understood how sad he was having to do that.

He was definitely NOT suicidal. I sent him to stay with his parents for several days after that as I didn't want him in my home as he was mentally unstable. He just didn't want to be TOLD NO. He wanted to do as he pleased. And he wanted to have his affair and also live at home and pretend he was a respectable, married husband, father, and professional man.

Crazy yes, but typical stuff for waywards. When two worlds crash (affair and marriage), THEY get crazy. Their crack has been discovered, if you will. Their dark secret.

I doubt your wh is suicidal. He might be in the midst of a "me me me me" situation right now where he's high on the admiration and constant attention of the farm ho, but I would not worry about his well-being. He is a grown man, and can make his own decisions, even if they're crappy and self-centered ones now.

Don't break plan B. The mind has a wierd way of trying to make you get around it. He doesn't need checking up on even if it is "for safety". You stay dark.

Btw, Caracal, that was 2 weeks before I left him for good, and left with my child and filed for divorce.

Had to add that in.

Thanks for sharing that Peachy. Phew, Darth really did have some tantrums didn't he? Guess he lucked out that he couldn't keep both lollypops.

I have no intention of breaking Plan B, but I can see that maybe the mind does search for reasons to do it... tempting me, testing my resolve.

But I know the Plan B letter gives the directions for him to acces the support should he start acting like a man rather then a selfish teenager.

Caracal

Just read all 33 pages wow
The more I look at it, our sitches are pretty similar.
Separated pretty fast, not a whole lot of time in plan A, first everything, and little communication.

My opinion and that is all it is.

Given the circumstances even if your WH wasn't in a PA before separation and it was just an EA and somehow you were able to Plan A him back I fear it would have been something similar to my situation. A eventual false recovery, but I don't want to project my situation onto yours so please take this with a grain of salt.

Now I only say this b/c of what I have learned from my situation.

One I didn't find MB during the EA and we had a pretty bad MC. Not a good recipe to begin with but.....you found MB fast.

WW and I were both ignorant of what was at stake b/c I was able to win her back instantly. We thought we would just pick up and move on from this.......we didn't.

WW constantly thought about OM, maybe not directly him so much, but the idea of him. Even w/ NC in place. And all it took was one break in that contact and boom, it's that fast. Just goes to show you how important EP's are.

But it just grew out of control. In her mind. All the what it would be like.....what would it be like to kiss someone else, to sleep with someone else........all of that.

And that is the problem. The EA gave them a taste and it just festered, I think more so b/c they literally had no idea what it would be like, like you and I have no idea, we just have better boundaries than our WS's. The ultimate forbidden fruit.

Though I think there is a major upside in all of this.

When the A eventually crumbles, I think both of us will be looking at our WS's in the end.

For a couple of reasons.....

When the A crumbles who do the WS's have to turn to??? Just us, no real family support, no real friends. We will look pretty enticing, that spark will instantly return the moment you two lay eyes on each other, it was there when he left. Happens all the time to me and my WW. Don't discount that.

Our WS's are not disgusted with us, they don't really think they could never love us again, literally the A is the only thing standing in our way from having our WS's back. That is not always the case in some situations, there was not a laundry list of complaints.

A long history of being faithful, we are not dealing with man and women hoping here.

I also would not overlook the intimacy you two experienced before he took off. Why? Because it's so intimate it's one of the most intimate experiences you can share with someone......our WS's just don't hand out SF out like candy.

But guess what.....we have a huge leg up on OW and OM. We know everything they like, how they like to be touched, what gifts they like and don't like, what types of dessert, literally every aspect of their life.

OW and OM are scrambling to learn this. I can tell you there are things that bother your WH about the OW, that is fact, just as in my sitch.

I guess I am saying this for my benefit and yours as well.

There is a tremendous benefit in returning to us.

Sadly I think the A just has to run its course.

But once it does, again I think our WS's will come back.

But you have come so far so fast, more so than me.

Stay strong

For me the speed with which everything has happened has left me reeling... and trying to catch up. Now that I am processing my OWN marital history, and not WH's, I have remembered comments like in March how proud WH was to wear his wedding ring... and then come May he steps off a plane with it removed. I still find it bizarre how quickly the boundaries must have been crossed, to have only known this woman two months and then be leaving a marriage for her, making no effort to repair our marriage. But I now think that just shows how little thought WH has really put into this affair, he is just acting blindly, based on his "feelings"... which we all know can change quite quickly based on the above!

I did find MB fast, but remembering back to my shock and denial, it took me a while to actually listen to the advice. I mentally cringe when I think how I argued with vets that my husband would never do this, would never disrespect me or our marriage or another woman like this... I even had Melody walking away I was so foggy! It does me no good to have regrets on how I handled things, but I still do have the thoughts on what if I had acted sooner on the advice? Hindsight is a wonderful thing...

Interesting thoughts finah, I have also considered some of this. I have been thinking about the effect of Plan B on my LB$ quite a bit, and recently considered the effect it may have on WH's. The last time we saw each other we were kissing passionately, and at the airport could not bare to not have physical contact, holding hands, the hand on the knee, hugging and kissing. THIS is WH's last image of being with me. And even after exposure, he still trusts ME fully, making comments predicting my behaviour. Whereas for the BS, the trust is gone, the memory of our WS is tainted by thoughts of the affair, we come to accept that our WS's are not the person we fell in love with, the affair has changed them. Maybe one day the spouse we married returns, maybe not. The thing is, WE will have changed and moved on, whereas in Plan B the WS is almost sort of frozen in time, and the memory of the BS is also frozen...

As for the spark thing... I don't plan on ever seeing my WH again should we never recover. That really saddens me, but unlike you, I have no intention of being there for my WH unless he grows a set. I will let him live with his decisions WITHOUT me showing one iota of approval. It has taken me a long time to be able to accept that for me Plan B is likely to be forever... still hurts though.

I hope so... and I imagine a 23-year-old may struggle to comprehend the complex emotions my WH is trying to suppress from the cheating and the death of 18 years. Lets just hope WH doesn't always succeed as he has one he!! of a temper!

Thanks finah.

I agree the affair just has to rung its course. Like most BS's, I tend to think my WH's affair is the real deal, all sunshine and lollypops, rainbows and unicorns. What saddens me is that should it die a natural death, it will be too late. But as time goes on in Plan B I doubt my WH will return. I think the more time that goes by, the more lost he becomes. And the more he would struggle with his pride to return, now that he knows I know.

Never underestimate yourself finah. It is funny how on MB reading others posts I often compare myself and think I am taking too long to recover, I am not strong enough. But healing is individual, and if it takes me longer to get there, the important thing is the journey not the arrival.

Oooh I did this too. BS fog is crazy!



Ditto for me too. Most of the gaslighting he gave me was about how 'hurt' he would be if I wasnt his friend, should we ever break up.

I got so fogged by this that I went from saying 'Are you crazy? You are my husband!! I dont want to be just friends!' - to actually promising him post-divorce friendship (this was before I knew of the affair of course)

Now I realise that this was just the famous 'fantasy divorce' that most waywards dream of.

Where they stomp the life out of someone's heart, dont make any amends for doing it, even when they are offered forgiveness in the marriage they say no thanks, im going to toss you like last weeks rubbish instead.

Why should that have any consequences for them? Why should that be any barrier to future friendship with the heart they mangled?

They just go la-la-la and tell themselves that if they care about you theyll hold hands, be your friend, have sunday dinner with him and the OW - otherwise WAHHHHHHHH - its not fair mommy - I want TWO pieces of cake!

While I do feel really sorry for him and the mess he's making of his life, i gave him directions home in the Plan B letter. There is nothing more I can do

He can get himself another friend from skanks-r-us should it come to that.

LOL I love hindsight, it also drives me crazy.

When I first found out about my WW EA, they met up for a date for the first time, I knew where it was, I was literally so close to showing up, but my mother talked me out of it......b/c I would have been arrested...the scene I would have caused would of been of epic proportions.....plates flying, glasses being smashed on other people...which may have not been a bad thing.......it probably would of really scared OM and we know all OW and OM are cowards.

Interesting about the trust aspect, never really thought about that.

Also the idea of being frozen in time.

My IC has brought this up a lot.......if the WS does ever return....they will have a lot of catching up to do.

It's never too late Caracal......and it's never over until you say it is.

You are right......he is acting blindly and it's 100% based on feelings and emotions.....not rational thought.

You are still very early in this......a lot can happen fast and in the blink of an eye.....I assure you

It is my birthday tomorrow, 28.09.

The first birthday I have spent without my husband since before I met him, aged 15.

We would usually go away somewhere exotic during our years in the UK. Last year my b'day was particularly fantastic, and the memory is in some way haunting me. Husband and I were on safari, and in the afternoon he suprised me with a boat cruise down the river, complete with G&T's and canapes, before taking me out to a hotel restaurant where we spent our honeymoon. Where we spoke about returning for a holiday to celebrate a significant wedding anniversary in the future.

Wallowing in the memory is not going to help. I am going to go to work to occupy myself this year, and in the evening am planning a dinner out to a fancy restaurant with family and friends. I am very grateful to have the support of those I do. My parents have even arrived back a month early from their holiday, increasingly worried about me I think.

I have a tough fortnight ahead. Birthday, 12th wedding anniversary, anniversary of the death of my MIL, FIL and BIL. Will WH think of me at all on these days I wonder? Is the fog that thick?

I do hurt that my SIL's may not contact me, the first b'day in years that I may not hear from them. I mourn them too.

I comfort myself with the thought that I have family and friends to support me. WH has a shallow relationship with a farm ho, no substance to that, no depth. He has no one else to share these dates with.

I am determined to have a good night tomorrow. Happy Birthday to me! It is my party, and I'll cry if I want to, but I'll also make damn sure I have a few good laughs!

Plan B launch date: 12.08.11

Your advice within, and the tone, of your still-fresh note to BillCarolina belie your attitude to your own situation, Caracal.

There are two encompassing arms of Plan B. The major thrust is to give the WS fair warning of the barrenness of what he will face from you in the future. Simultaneously, Plan B gives the BS the opportunity to disengage from thinking about, dealing with, or mourning over, the virtually-dead betrayed marriage.

Two months in, my friend, and you should work to NOT consider him in such "Oh, it was wonderful" terms, projected (and here's the problem) into the present tense.

Emotional assets spent wondering whether he or your SILs will send you birthday wishes (Remember, his contacting you would be a Plan B violation, anyway!) are resources better spent planning to enjoy and celebrate your day with your family and friends.

Set your mind to consider WH as "dead" (It it helps, imagine a gruesome painful death!). But had he died the day he left to be with POSOW, you'd not be here pining for a birthday greeting from him. That should be your attitude toward wherever he is, whatever he is doing.

Mr. Caracal: R.I.P.

Ha, thanks NG, I do deserve a butt kicking. AND to follow my own advice. I will work on this.

Think about the bright future that is ahead of you!

You WILL have a HAPPY BIRTHDAY tomorrow, because you will make it happen.

These first few trigger days will throw you for a bit of a spin, but you will grow from them and become stronger. You will KNOW that next time, you will handle it much better because of how well you handle it this time. It also gives you a chance to plan ahead. The days come along every year, so it won't be a surprise.

You'll do great. And if you have any thought about contacting WH or SILs, come here and post. We all understand.

Try to get out with a solid GF, (like Scotty type)
A lady so real will overcome this and you are awesome.

I'm sorry I had to edit this from my phone, I thought this was toughs thread, I hope you will forgive me caracal

Happy Birthday Caracal



Wish you whatever is the best outcome of this for you, that will make you a happy person for life, to happen to you fast, easy and painless:)

Hi Caracal,

I love the balloon/birthday icon and birthday wishes from MB posters. Did you have a good birthday?


AM

Happy Birthday, my friend!

I just want to say a sincere thanks to all of the thoughts for my birthday. It gave me strength, and means a lot to have people who don't know me IRL sharing the ups and downs. I did enjoy the day, a couple of wobbly moments though. But more laughter then wobbles... I am very lucky to have the people in my life that I do...