Great advice mr w

wanthealing, I heard your call today and you did great!! Dr. Harley said your husband is not a partner with you in the most important process of staying away from this OP. He is completely disregarding the risk to your marriage. He is troubled by his cavalier attitude. I liked what he said about you having excellent judgement about the importance of no contact.

Dr Harley also said your husband does not have normal reactions in relation to the OM. He is very troubled by your husband's "cavalier" behavior and sees lots of "red flags" as a psychologist. "there is an element to this man that runs under the radar. that bothers me as a psychologist. there are lots of red flags.."

"figure out a way for intermediaries to work out the transfer. I don't want your husband having lunch with the OM."

"I congratulate you for seeing the risks."

"your husband is ignorant of the risk the OM presents to your marriage."

Thanks, Mel! I was incredibly nervous, but I did feel a lot better after the call that I can't let BH bully me into contact with OM. Right after the call, after feeling assured I'm doing the right thing, I called my pastor's wife and had her over for tea and asked her to be an IM...and she agreed! BH was pretty angry at me about it when I told him and threatened to divorce me if I ruined his relationship with OM (it almost sounded like BH threatening to leave me for OM! What the heck?), but I'll take his AO over being tempted into another A.

Now that I feel the NC issue is for the most part resolved, I know we have a rough road toward eliminating AOs and working through all the red flags, but I feel so much more confident that I CAN do the right thing and make GOOD choices now. I never felt like that before...

Thanks again, Mel, for the encouragement. I really needed to hear that I'm on the right track. I am putting everything of myself into fixing things as best as I can, but the road to recovery isn't easy.

Bravo!!

Melody is falling down on the job again.




















Where is the link?

hey lazy, go click on the rebroadcast link!!!

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BH was pretty angry at me about it when I told him and threatened to divorce me if I ruined his relationship with OM (it almost sounded like BH threatening to leave me for OM! What the heck?)

Just confirmation of what I said before on your other thread. Even Dr Harley can see that there is definitely something pathological in the way your husband views the relationship with OM who impregnated his wife. To a layman like myself, it almost sounds like your husband is in love with OM. Certainly he values that relationship over the one he has with you.

Your husband needs help, wanthealing.

Ok, it is posted now:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Thank you.

Road, I definitely agree with both you and Dr. H, and I talked with BH last night about getting pyschiatric help and possibly meds to help with anxiety. Mental disorders run rampant in his family, so there should be no shame for him in getting help. But BH thinks everyone else is "full of it" and that he's fine. I don't know how to break through to him.

Some days I thank God that he's not full of rage, but other days it really scares me that he's...well, nuts! For example, we had friends visiting and thier 3-yr-old pushed my 15-mo-old when they were playing and my BH (when no one was looking) pushed thier kid down (the kid actually kind of flew across the room) to show him what it feels like to get pushed. I was shocked at BH's form of "discipline"...especially with someone else's kid! I'm terrified that unless he gets help he'll accidentally abuse our kid. While he hasn't touched me in anger in years, it worries me that he can hurt a 3-yr-old without any sense of wrong.

Something's not right in his head, but if he refuses treatment, how can I help him?

want o told you i didn't understand why your h would want to have lunch with om. after reading your posts and hearing what dr harley said i feel you need to do some real soul searching

pushing a 3 yo to where down to where

""""(the kid actually kind of flew across the room"""")

says that he may end up hurting someone down the road seriously

what happens when the school bully punches your child? does he go and kick the bully's rear at recess.

i mean where's the logic in his actions and where's the limit

i guess he's lucky only you witnessed his actions.

You need to tell this to Dr Harley. You do realize that in addition to abusing you, he has abused this child? Your husband is not a safe man. Like Dr Harley said, there is something wrong here.

I just told my husband about this and he asked why the parents of the 3 yr old did not punish him for pushing your DD? Did they?

What the heck has that got to do with his actions against this three-yr old??

from the way wanthealing told the story it sounds like the only adults who witnessed this (ok maybe one adult and one big child) were her and her h.

i agree maritalbliss. whether the parents punished the child or not of the least importance

but mel i do agree that the man is not safe

Who said it did??

OH! I see what you're saying - I misread this. I thought the poster's husband (who did the pushing of the 3 yr old) was saying HE had the right to punish the 3 yr old! My bad!

oh no!!! My H thinks there is something terribly WRONG HERE. He is very clear on the fact that this is child abuse. We both agree this is very disturbing.

The 3-yr-old's parents did not see my BH push their child. I almost "told on BH" but I was afraid a fight would break out right then and there and someone would end up in the ER (BH has gotten into fist fights with his best friend, my brother, among countless others over stupider things than this). Luckily their child was okay, but still...

BH did end up telling my in-laws about the incident and they kind of shrugged it off and said, "Just don't hang out with them anymore if their kid is mean to yours." BH's parents have always been strange about things when it comes to physical violence. They trained BH as a child to beat up kids who picked on his sister (for little things like "yo mama jokes"), and when BH hit me the first time they actually blamed me for deserving it (I was going to a high school reunion and at the last minute BH didn't want me to go and we fought about it--I didn't know anything about POJA back then). They have a very warped view and BH and I have spent years trying to "reprogram" his thinking, but then things like what happened with the 3-yr-old occur and I worry we're not making the progress I thought.

To make things worse, if OM suspected BH could hurt OC, he could have OC taken off of us (which he voiced to his attny during our court proceedings).

BH insists what he did wasn't abuse but discipline. I asked him what he thought about that incident and he was actually proud of himself today for "setting the toddler straight," but I'm glad I'm not the only one who sees it for what it is--child abuse. (And I am even okay with a rare spanking if it's not excessive, so it's not like I'm against all forms of physical discipline.) Any advice on what I should do?

I have been able to stop all physical abuse against me by standing up to him, but how can I protect OC or other kids who can't stand up to him? BH refuses counseling (again reiterated this today), but is there something I can do to ensure BH doesn't hurt OC and truly reforms?

If your husband believes this is appropriate treatment of a child, then your OC is not safe with him. Do you want her thrown across the room when she makes him mad?

You have a responsibility to protect this child, WH. I don't really give a rats [censored] if he doesn't understand this is abusive behavior, he needs to be put on notice that this is child abuse and is absolutely intolerable. That you will call the police and file an abuse report if he ever does that to your DD.

I think your friends should be told that he abused their child so they can protect him from your husband. How else will they know, WH? Who will protect their child from him?

PLEASE email Dr Harley and tell him what your husband has done. As a PARENT, you have a responsibility to protect this child and your child. Your H has serious problems, WH.