AEK, you cannot post this and then not answer our concerns and move on to "today is another day".

You have raised concerns here. Please answer my questions about what is happening today.

Yesterday is NOT in the past if you were suicidal. It will not be in the past until you receive effective medical help. What is happening to ensure that you do?

The Crisis Team have just been to see me. I am seeing the Dr tomorrow. I feel stronger today....I am getting help. x

Suicide attempts are not acts of shame. They are cries for help. Please contact a suicide crisis center in your area, visit www.samaritans.com or call your family physician.

The immediate crisis of a suicide attempt must be dealt with before anything else.

Everything we said before is true, only now you have a far more critical area that needs your complete focus. This will not go away until you have dealt with it.

Do not hold back until you have gotten every bit of help you need. There have been many great resources suggested to you on here. Start there.

I am trying very hard but I see little attempts from my FWH. The affection has disappeared. He didn't even cuddle me after what happened. I think he is done.

He says I am pushing him away. I don;t want to but equally I do not want to smoother him.....help

AEK, Have you read HNHN and LB? Those two books plus the workbook are an excellent roadmap for recovery. We spent the money on the Online Seminar and have been very much helped.

When I first discovered the adultery, all I had was the Internet at the base library, since we were in the middle of moving and hadn't yet gotten our things. And no American bookstores, three weeks to get ordered packages. However, instinctively I knew that I needed to reach out to my H and create good feelings that would, over time, make it impossible for him to think of the OW as the better choice. There was just no way I was going to let that skank and the crummy adultery take away all we had just a couple of months before the A. I was going to do all I knew...and, if you want to save your marriage, you are going to have to do all you know to do, as well.

I felt pretty stupid at first, wondering what kind of a loser actually wants to take back a WH?? Then I found MB and realized that many people were in exactly the same position. They hated, they loved their spouse and still wanted to stay married...under the right conditions.

You need to start working the program, AEK. Just start doing what you know you need to, remembering that the feelings follow the actions. Don't wait until you feel like you want to reach out to your H. Just do it. Let him hold you.

Let me tell you that since D-Day rocked my world and my H sent the No Contact letter, we have begun to the road back to a great marriage. He tells me all the time how much he "adores" me. It's kind of amazing to me that he feels that way. It really didn't take very much, basically just allowing him to meet my needs and my reaching out to meet his. And one of the things he loves about me is my willingness to meet his need for SF. That means a great deal to him emotionally. It means I have accepted him back. It gives him hope. He tells me it's not just the physical satisfaction, although that's part of it; it's the connection. Perhaps your H really needs that.

I think I understand the feelings you are having which led you to try and take your life. I've felt that way since D-Day a few times, but more like I wished I could just curl up somewhere and disappear, "POOF!" and be gone.

Your H wants to be married to you. Do you still want to be married to him?

AEK1. Never be ashamed or afraid to ask for help from the professionals in this area. They CAN help you. I hope that you have been given a hotline number to call in case you ever begin to feel overwhelmed again.

xxxx

I now hear that the affair may have started before I thought/have been told... What shall I do?
APparently it was happening as my dad was dying...... I can't rely handle this.
If he has lied again I don't know what I will do. Equally I don't know how to get the truth out......do dates matter? Will it change anything?

I would want to know when the affair started, too, so I would know what I was dealing with and when the lying started.

Why don't you schedule a polygraph and just get it all out, if you don't believe you have the full story.

How did you discover this new possible information?

AEK --

You need to put this aside and deal with your crisis.

How do you "hear" such a thing? Who told you?

Its not at all safe for your husband to be honest with you right now. You are in too fragile a state for him to be able to tell you difficult news. He will not want to be responsible for another blow.

Please put this aside for now...

The housekeeper who blew the whistle told me...

She said it was earlier than he has admitted. She knows and remembers events...in my heart I think it was July/august but he is saying September. I know it's only a month but my dad died in august and I really wouldn't know what to do if he was being unfaithful then.....

Help!

Do not try and chase this down right now. Maybe it started earlier and maybe it didn't. Maybe he lied and maybe he didn't remember.

Don't go there right now!!!!!!!

Your life is in danger, and you're chasing tangents. Your children's future is at stake, and maybe even their lives, too, since children of people who commit suicide are far more likely to commit suicide themselves.

You're trying to figure out whether you scraped your right knee or your left one while you're bleeding to death!

There will be a time and place to deal with this other stuff. Please, please, please, put it in a box to deal with later. Do not continue to think about it or ask questions about it at this time.

Your priority MUST be getting through this crisis first.

Hi AEK1,

I have been away a lot with work and life. Thought I'd stop by to see how you are.

I do hope you have contacted professionals as suggested about the suidice attempt.

For the rest, you are just going around in circles. If you re-read this thread you will see that you are still where you were when you arrived here. Only YOU can change that.

How?

I am desperate. I have been told the affair started long before he is letting on. I do not know who to believe. Shall I book a polygram...I fear that this will sever the marriage.......help me please.

First of all, get professional help with your depression, that needs to be taken care of immediately.

Maybe you need to sit down with yourself and write down ALL the questions you have, and as you write them down, ask yourself do I really want to know the answer to this question and is the answer to this question going to advance myself, my personal recovery, and the recovery of my marriage?

I too found out that the affairs started earlier then at first admitted. To me that did NOT change anything about the affairs. To me that was really a trivial piece of information, because that didn't change the affairs. I can't change the past, I can only work at the future.

To me, only the information that I can learn from to affair proof my marriage in the future is of importance, the rest is all self punishment.

Take care of yourself.

AEK, it's not unusual for a wayward to change the dates of the affair. For some crazy reason they think it will hurt their betrayed spouse less.

I believe that you are currently stuck in recovery and will not be able to go forward until complete NC is established with OW. That includes you and your family, as well as your WH, obviously. I am alarmed to see the unhealthy results that are happening for you because of the continued contact. Have you gotten medication yet to help you?

If I were sitting in your chair, I would do the following post-haste:
1. MOVE. Get out of that area! Rent your home out until you can sell it.
2. Get your son out of that school. Sure, it's unfair to him. This is a result of the affair, and it can't be helped. It is what it is. In the long run it will be healthier for you son to be out of there.
3. Schedule a polygraph and get to the bottom of your concerns.

Only you can decide what to do with the information the poly will reveal. Don't be too quick to assume it will end the marriage. Get the information first and process it. You may find that your fears are worse than the facts.

I am convinced the dates are wrong. I have asked him and he has denied it.
We are not at the same school anymore but we are in same town. She sent a birthday card to my son which annoyed me and now she sends her son tothe same rugby club. I have stopped contact with the two friends who have stayed in contact with OW.

I want to move forward but need the facts first,.... Why would he lie again? I am sure it started as my dad got I'll but he said it was after he died. It doesn't really make much difference but I need him to be honest.

It's too late to send a NC letter now.