Shouldn't I tell her the thingsshe has done....

In my opinion, you need to stop thinking and talking about the A right now. There is no benefit to telling all.

AEK, I think you're giving waaaay too much power and importance to OW with all of this. She is not worth this amount of attention!There is too much drama - much of what you're saying sounds intended (rightly or not) to put this friend on the defense for continuing her friendship with OW. You also sound like you are again trying your case against OW - to someone who has obviously chosen to remain friends with her. I cut out everything your friend doesn't need to see.

She doesn't need to know that you are struggling with this emotionally. She doesn't need to know that others are advising you to sever ties with her. Make this YOUR decision and be proud that you are doing whatever it takes to keep yourself safe.

AEK, I already gave you advice on a letter you should send. Now, I see MB gave you a letter too. I LOVE MB's version. I think THAT'S what you should send. That's it. That's all.

I third the motion.

None of this is about OW. It's about you. The choice to cut ties with your friend, the suicide attempt, the choice to heal.

As to the card, why waste even a second's thought more on it? I have been there, with persistent contact, over and over and over again. So I know whereof I speak.

Throw the physical card in the trash can. (Don't shred it, crumple it, or pee on it. Just throw it there.) Throw the thought of the card in the trash can of your mind. Leave it there.

That's it. You determinedly go on with your life, no matter how anyone might try and sidetrack you.

So what are you going to do today? What are your plans to improve yourself and your M? What's for supper? What color are your toes? (I just crack up every time I think about that. A little voice says in my head, "More importantly, what color are your toes?" )

ITA on tossing the card. Put it in the recycle bin. Maybe the recycling center can make something useful out of it - like toilet paper or something.

You are all so right. Wake up and smell the damn coffee AEK.

You are amazing counsellors; all of you.

I feel so sad about loosing my friend. Should I be stronger than I am? Should I try to be friends with her? Am I being stubborn? Or should I accept she isn't really a friend to my marriage as she is friendly with the OW?

Tomorrow.... Golf with 3 friends, them tennis with another 3 friends.... And yes I've booked a massage and toe polish!!!!!

I cant thank you all enough for your support.... You are my life line.

Yes.

Perfect! Well done AEK. Focus on these types of things and you will feel better in no time.

Got letter from friends husband last night...

You know we never asked for any of this nonsense and in fact have quite enjoyed being out of "it" �these last few weeks. So many people from **edit** have told us how you have been bad mouthing My wife and her relationship with OW. �My wife has been a loyal friend to all four of our "friends" and three out of four ( I am sad to say) have respected her decision. �She is the most loyal person I have ever had the fortune to meet and she doesn't deserve this nonsense in her life. �The thing is that you have spoken to many of the people who actually care about My wife but, �for whatever reason, �they feel that they can't stand up to you for fear of reprisals or whatever!

You did the same to me when we spoke about �**edit**�outside school a few months ago so I know how it goes and feels to be in your bad books. �I had four texts about it whilst having a romantic meal at Pizza Express. �So you see we get the feedback and it really hurts because all we have tried to do is to be there for you throughout your nightmare. � I get it that friends stick together through thick and thin and i can forgive you for the hostilities because I can recognise your pain. �But �oH is also a friend and I want to be there for him too...he didn't ask for any of this either.

I wish we could turn the clock back to before any of this happened so that we could all be friends again but that is ridiculous. �We will always love you guys and you will know that we have never spoken in public about the things we have talked about and done.. �I can understand why you hurt so much and can say the things to other people that you have said but until you come to terms with the situation and well and truly moved on with your life I can see no point in seeing you. �You're not really interested in "us" �and only want to know about the �**edit** and discuss how we shouldn't �be friendly with them etc. �and go over the same old ground again and again. When we play the middle ground you just slate us to our other friends and boy have the school dinner party invites dried up. What's the point of it I ask myself!! � �It's just easier and better to stick to our sailing friends for a while.

We are always here for �**edit** and you (when you are back to being the **edit** we know exists) but until you are better it seems that we just add to your anxiety level. �So, best we give it a while longer and I am sorry this isn't what you want to read. �But you must understand that **edit** is my primary concern in this messed up bubble.

There is no reason why Our sons can't be friends unless that relationship becomes infected with bitterness which I really hope doesn't happen because that would be senseless.

I do care about you.

Well then, all done and over with, no agony over that anymore. You have a choice, they have a choice. It is much healthier for you to distance yourself from any triggers, so for the time being that is all good.

But I wouldn't go badmouthing other people, you can say how much it hurts you that it triggers things, but you can't fault their choices publicly. My mother did that when during their divorce her best friend and H choose my fathers side. It hurt her like heck, but you can't force people. They didn't really want to be in the middle and choose sides.

Anyways, you can't make people be on your side, but you do have the POWER to choose to have the friends that support you in your life, and you do have the prerogative to not include those of questionable or obvious waffling qualities.

I think you should really consider moving.

He doesn't understand your pain at all.

Obviously, this "friend" has clearly chosen sides. Even her Husband(whom I can see either becoming a WH or BH in the near future with this sort of attitude towards the sanctity of marriage) has told you clearly that they have chosen sides.

See how your letter about justifying the end of the friendship because of everything OW has done would not have worked? These people have their morals all screwy. So many people think that it is better not to rock the boat, to let things just go along without holding others accountable for their actions. It is sad, but this is the reason that affairs thrive nowadays. Not many will stand up against it.

I was shunned last year because I told a WW that she was being stupid for starting an affair. Some of the "friends" in my circle told me it was none of my business. Well, it was. A few of my friends did believe that what I did was right, they just didn't have the courage to do it themselves. Those are my real friends. Those are the people I want in my life, in the lives of my children.

You are not too weak to be these people's "friends," you are too strong in your convictions. You were obviously bang on about this "friend." She is toxic to your marriage and as such, isn't worth anymore of your time.

I would truly consider moving away from the area and starting fresh. BTW, it is better to have only ONE true friend than any amount of fake ones(or those with low morals).

FWIW, I don't think these people and their children are good "friends" for your son either. Most people have the same morals as their parents. It's your job to ensure that the people with influence over your children have the same morals as you wish to teach your children. Clearly, these people do not.

He has chosen to be there for OWs BH, which is justifiable. OW's BH needs support too. It seems to me that your friend is just trying to keep the peace with OW because her H is still friends with OW's BH. IMO these aren't horrible people, but it's not good for your mental health to be around them because they trigger your thoughts about OW and the A. Simply stop contacting them.

Now, this letter gives us some insight into what you have been up to lately. It's clear that you have been going on and on about OW and the A to anyone that will listen! This has to stop!

While you are out with your friends today, do not think one thought or say one word about OW or the A. If someone brings it up, simply say you don't want to talk about it anymore.

I disagree. Here, they have a friend whose WH had an affair with a friend in their circle. They try to ignore it, and get mad at AEK for speaking out against it, and against OW. AEK had a suicide attempt days ago, and now they choose to "cut all ties" until she gets "better." What sort of "friends" drop someone like a hot potato when they need them the most? I'll tell you what type. Immoral and twisted people. People who worry more about their time "sailing" than a friend who really needs support in a most difficult time in their life.

This is why I have suggested a move. AEK can get a new set of friends whom she can gain true support from, and leave OW behind.

AEK, you know that OW doesn't deserve any more time in your head. She needs an eviction notice from your mind and your life. With her constant presence, your marital recovery will not happen. Focus on ways to get her GONE.

They also have a friend (BH) who's WW had an affair with a friend in their circle. OW's BH needs support too. We don't know what state he is in. He may be having a difficult time as well. I'm not going to fault them for supporting the BH.

Regardless, good or bad, I agree that AEK needs to stay away from them because they trigger her.

And I'd advise that BH that these "friends" aren't worth a dern. That he should drop them like a hot potato. They aren't worthy of being anyone's friends.

I have not and will never bad mouth my friend. I have simply said to people that I am sad, hurt and lonely. I would never bad mouth her and gave never said what she is doing is wrong... Just that I cannot deal with it.

Apparently, you are a better friend to her than she is to you. What does that tell ya?

Your marital recovery is your main focus right now. Getting OW outta your life, in every possible way is the first step. And removal of toxic friends is up there too.

This was my reply....

Dear (Friends husband)


I am sorry to hear about your mother. I know how it feels to worry about parent�s health.

I love your wife. I miss her. I have not badmouthed either of you; I have just been very sad, lonely and hurt and that is what I have expressed. I am devastated that things have changed between us. Your wife has done nothing wrong and I have always said that; to her face and to others. I miss her friendship and laughter terribly. I accept your decision but yes, it is painful. I would love to maintain our friendship and am trying to work out how to do that. I know it's my weakness that is causing this barrier but having spoken to professionals, sadly this is a common consequence.

I have heard so much about various actions pre and post what happened (not the actual affair) and this has seriously hindered my recovery but I have to put this in past; I have wasted too much energy on trying to prove my innocence/her guilt. I am tired. People seem to love to twist things though so I try not to listen anymore. I've done too much of that. People will always think what they want to anyway!

I have been very ill but I am slowly getting stronger; I will make sure that this does not ruin my life. I am taking control and only want to look forward. I have no interest in hearing about the other family or discussing the affair in any more detail. They and 'it' is irrelevant to my future. My husband and I have decided to work through this and we want a better and happier life for our family. Something went very badly wrong in our marriage and we both need to work at making sure this never happens again. That and the children are our priority.

My son has no bitterness towards your family, as there is no anger in our house towards your family. Nothing has ever been said. Nothing but gratitude and love for you guys and sadness for the loss of something special. He is so excited about seeing your son. I am excited for him and wish so much that we could all spend time together.

I hear clearly that you'd prefer not to see me, which I totally accept. It makes me very sad to read and re-read your note. I hope we can reconnect in the future and share some fun times together. As I said to your wife, I will wait to hear from you.... I hope it's not too long. I do understand your decision...

I will always feel very sad and guilty that this has affected you so badly; neither of you deserved this. I am sorry.

I do care about you all. My friendship with your family was and will always be 100% genuine.

AEK1

Did you send that already? If not, I would suggest some changes.