Matty, don't lose sight of the fact that your WW has more than likely already given them her version of the 'truth', and it's probably not flattering to you. She's more than likely told your children negative things about you to justify her actions. They need to hear the truth from the only parent who is in their corner right now.

agree with Mel. I don't quite understand how a serial cheating mother who is in a lesbian relationship with a Christian day care worker. Who has/is brain washing the children. How exactly is that a stable family situation? Think about it. And regarding her seeing you without your ring and packing her things. Its about time. I swear to you. The more you man up and do things to respect yourself, the more her little fantasy world will fall apart.

You could bring this all to an end in an afternoon. Expose the affair to the principal and pastor of the school. Sign and deliver divorce papers. Those two things will be a major wake up. You need to strip her of every fantasy she has created. And she needs to be fired and shamed. When all of this is done. You sit her down with a mirror in front of her, literally, and show her the kind of person she is. A serial cheating, morally bankrupt, abusive who uses her children against the man who loves her. And who has alienated your son. with lies. You need to put the children first not your clinging neediness for the cuckolding cheater, you call your wife.

The surprising thing is the less you stand for her dis respecting you, the less of this type of behavior you will get. Because the people disrespecting will not be pleasured by your company.

This is THE TRUTH!

Just DO IT!!

If she was proud enough to do it in Secret......Let EVERYONE KNOW!!

Then she will have to process the results of her decisions!!!

After that....comes the rest of the story.

Ask me how I know........

Thanks to all for your input and suggestions. I will be talking with my kids when they come home in 2 days...(the 2 of them that do come home, at least).

I'm also going to set up a meeting with the pastor and daycare director within the next couple of days. The divorce papers are in the works. It'll take at least 3 weeks for her to be served though.

Now- as for how I found out. I didn't mention this part. I installed a spy app on my old phone and gave it to her as a "gift" because hers was old and messed up. I've been able to read every incoming and outgoing text since then. I checked into it- it's legal because I'm the legal owner of the phone. BUT I don't want her knowing this. It's the only way I'm able to find out what she's doing or saying. I hope I can expose this without the "HOW" getting back to her. Not sure if that's possible. And also...not sure if it would hurt me when it comes to legal matters. That's a card best played at the very end (whipping the papers out in the court room). I don't want to give that part up too early.

matty, you don't need to tell her how you know, just that you do. Be careful not to reference any exact phrases that she'll be able to remember saying on her phone.

You have to play it for them. Then let things take their course. They will act quickly on this. If they happen to ask why you would be recording your wifes conversations, tell them that this happens on occasion with your wife. The time for secrets is over. The problem in the past is that you never allowed her to reap the consequences of her actions. I would also remove her from any accounts or credit cards she has. It's a consequence for he leaving the marriage. She doesn't get your money without you.

Not to mention, if you know this is going on at the church, and there are children exposed to them, you are protecting yourself from being in the know of whats going on with two church employees.

matty, I would strongly caution you to examine your state's laws regarding wiretapping and illegal interception of wireless calls. It's one thing to confirm the affair for your own knowledge. It may get you in some legal hot water to announce that you put spyware on a phone and then gave it to a spouse you suspected of cheating. Wayward spouses have been known the take their betrayed spouse to court over this.

Please do not admit to their employer that you have surveillance software on your wife's phone. Her employer may be required to report this to authorities.

Just say that you know they are having an affair and they can be assured that it grieves you but its the truth.

The disclaimer on the website said this: You should be the legal owner of the phone or have permission from the user of the phone in order to install the software on it.
I'm not sure how legal owner is defined. It was my phone. I paid for it and gave it to her. I also pay her cell phone bill. I ran it by my lawyer and she seemed to think it was ok. I might have to look further into it. When approaching her employer, I'll have to show them proof. I guess I could keep it vague and say I was able to obtain the texts...but not say how.
So many things to consider...

Proceed if you are comfortable with your attorney's counsel. If WW is indeed confirming her affair in her own voice, you've got unimpeachable proof.

Something has been bothering me the past few hours. I've read and re-read Surviving An Affair, searched websites and other discussion boards, and read other posts by Dr. Harley. BUT I don't see anything about exposing the affair when the WS hasn't yet admitted it to me! I can see the reasoning if she knew that I knew. But she thinks it's a secret to everybody (including myself). Don't you think I should get a confession from her first? Then once she refuses to leave the affair, expose it?

I'm trying to do this biblically and not skip steps. I've received a lot of different advice. What I was thinking of doing was confronting her one last time...but this time with 2 other people from our church. The 3 of us would look at her and say "we know. Please just admit to it so we can take necessary steps." If she still denies it, then I would warn her of the possibility of exposure. If she still denies it...move forward with the exposure.

I know adultery is blatant sin. But the way I'm looking at it is if she is aware that people know, yet doesn't leave the relationship, THEN that is when it is necessary to let it out.

exposure is a type of public admonishment. You have evidence of an affair, right? They are denying their affair, then you have according to Matthew 18

1-gone privately to your brother and told them their sin

2- are now presenting it before witnesses

Matt:

You are a 3x loser in adultery. How many more kicks to the groin are you willing to take? Your wife need an exposure of biblical proportions. Not some pu$$y-footing 'Ill tell her next week and its only under the best circumstances'.

You have been emasculated by someone who agreed at your wedding to be there in all facets of life. She has reneged on her vows. Too many of us have and are still walking in your shoes. What we have done is we reached down and grabbed what makes us men and showed our wives we want them as our wives but under these sets of rules.

Your wishy washy-ness is letting your wife cavort without penalty.

Get tough.

MH,

I would also suspect that the previous relationship, possibly marriage, that produced your step son also ended because of your W's cheating on that person. So she may have an even longer history of getting away with it than just with you, was her mother like that?

Another reason for exposing your W is that she has a very good chance of continuing to move from one OM or OW to another dragging your children through the emotional mill with her. Exposure might not work with her, but given her past it is likely the only thing that will.

God Bless
Gamma

Matt --

What you are not understanding is that exposure MUST occur.
Regardless.

Even if she confessed...
Even if she confessed and apologized...
Even if she confessed, apologized and ended the affair...

Even then, you still must expose it.

There is absolutely no value in having her confess or acknowledge it. There is nothing you gain by that.
She knows she's having an affair.

Her behavior has thrived and continued because you sweep her transgressions under the rug. You are so anxious to forgive her that you don't even wait for her to be remorseful or sorry.

By threatening her with exposure -- you weaken it. Because she has time to do damage-control before you get the story out.

What you must to is totally out of character for you. You must be strategic and a little devious. You need to do some planning and executing behind her back.

Get your kids back into your custody -- then launch your exposure nukes.

Inform her family, do this by asking for their help and support.
Inform her friends, also by asking for their help and support.
Tell your children, so they know that what mommy and OW are doing is wrong.
Inform OW's family and friends, by asking them to use their influence with her to leave your family alone.
Inform their employer; they have a right to know the immorality going on in their daycare.
If they have facebook pages, you will not be "posting on their wall" - because they control what is on their wall and they will simply delete your post. Instead, you should make a copy of their friends list. You should send private messages (spaced 2 minutes apart) to the friends asking for their help in ending this affair.

Do not reveal your source. Your source is none of her business.
Right now she not your wife (she is an alien inhabiting your wife, and an ENEMY to your family)

Do not reveal Marriage Builders or the message boards. You need this place as your strategy building place and your safe haven.
She is nowhere near ready to hear the messages from this place.

I agree with your step 2...somewhat. It says to bring 1 or 2 others along, THEN bring it before the church (step 3). So I've pretty much skipped step 2 at this point.

Okay...seriously man. I'm not saying I'm not going to expose this. What I'm saying is I'm trying to do this biblically. In the end, I don't answer to you. Or anyone on this message board. I answer to God. Yes, you're right...I need to take a stand. And I will. She will definitely be feeling the consequences soon. But it seems to me that a lot of people on here don't care about the spiritual part of this...just the "hit her with all ya got/make her suffer" mentality.

Actually, no. That happened during her college partying days. She "dated" the guy for a month. But yes...her father did this exact same thing to her mother. She has basically turned into him.

Lexxxy-

Yes, exposure must occur. It doesn't matter whether she admits to it or not. But unfortuantely, her parents could care less. They already have a gay son. They love this girl that my wife hangs out with. Once I tell them, they'll just say "Well, whatever makes her happy." Her friends will do the same. Her friends from church already know- I've told them. The OW's friends are all gay too. So they'll look at me like a psycho husband. The only thing that I see will have any effect is the loss of her job.

So to answer everybody- yes, I am going to expose it. I was just wondering about that step in-between: confronting her one last time with 2 other people. I guess that's a no.

Just received an email from my lawyer:

I would strongly suggest you not report your wife's infidelity to her employer. If you feel the need to report her actions, please do it after the custody case. I understand your concerns, but the court will most likely view it as vindictive. I am preparing for your custody case and I feel as though you have a strong case. You do not want to go into the court looking like an angry, vengeful father.


FYI: the custody hearing is still 2 months away.