Glad you had a good day Caracal.

Its because you havent stinted in doing the best for yourself nd your personal recovery. Because you have done such a great job on Plan B, you will have more and more happy days. Plus you deserve it!

Did you ever find out who POSOW was?

I'll only say this b/c I was reading a sitch last night where the BS went literally James Bond on the POSOM/POSOW

He had fake aliases on FB was playing the role of a fake POSOM and messaging his WW real POSOM's, sending letters to these peoples families, their work places, FB bombing, telling all their friends, printing off flyers, setup more fake aliases to post on his FB b/c he knew his WW was checking it......

I mean just in your face ruthless I don't care if my M doesn't get saved I will ruin your life if you don't leave my spouse alone type stuff.

But he stopped posting one day so I never saw how it all turned out.....but his WW......was bat crap crazy......I had never read a story quite like his.

Just had me thinking........man if that dude only had one POSOM to deal w/ he prolly would have saved his M.

But his WW was just dead set on sleeping with whomever she wanted.......he ended up getting 2 or 3 POSOM's to leave his WW alone.


Something to consider if you get bored and want to go on the offensive.

Not quite sure if that gels w/ ur Plan B so it may not be an option.

got a link for it?

cv

Its a two part thread CV

Thanks for the link finah, I have started reading but still have a way to go... on the edge of my seat sort of stuff. Its funny, you have suggested something that lately I have been considering, but felt did not really "gel" with Plan B mentality so I did not raise it. I am still not sure it would be the right way forward. Sorry for the long post, it is a bit of a ramble as I write my mixed thoughts on the matter.

Initially on entering Plan B I was pretty all over the place, too emotional really to be on the offensive. I have more of a sense of rightousness and self-respecting anger now (actually, maybe too much anger the last few days, need to work through this!) I have realised my exposure was weak, particularly given those who actually have influence on my WH are not on the same continent as him. He simply plays on the time difference (or was, my Plan B now is too dark to know). I wish I could improve on my exposure, but I also do not want to "break" Plan B... other's thoughts are welcome...

Oh, and no, I never did confirm OW's identity... but I have a really strong feeling on this, as on fb I found the farm ho whose horse had a foal (she put pics up) whilst my WH was in Aus... something his sister told me she found odd was he received a text about a foal being born that he told her and his nephews about. My husband NEVER cared for horses, and had more to do with other animals on the farm. Also on fb she mentions starting at the farm in Jan this year, and WH's friend that admitted to me he was having an affair told me I did not know her and she had only been working there for about six months... that conversation took place in early July. Also, WH never mentioned this colleague to me whilst I was in UK that I remember. And she was never at the pub when we would go over for after work drinks, or at my farewell bbq with other colleagues. Hmmm...

I had actually thought of pm'ing her on fb and pretending others had told me she was the affair partner... but was worried if I got it wrong I would lose credibility. I wish this had all happened at a more "convenient" time in a sense like Valentine's day or WH's b'day, as then I could have hired a PI knowing when he would be leaving the estate rather then taking pot luck and the PI bill running into days worth of surveillance.

One of my friends actually wanted to expose her through her fbaccount she was so angry! What I found frustrating in Plan A with my poor exposure is that if this is the woman, she has only just turned 23... WH would be sooo embarassed about family knowing this I think.

I have struggled emotionally with not knowing the OW's identity, it is one of those questions that I feel I have a right to know. I know it would not give me "closure" but it feels further demeaning and disrespectful in a sense to not even be allowed that bit of information. Something I may have to live with, and I realise all BS's have unanswered questions in some way. But it remains a real hurdle for me... the wanting to know who she is, and wanting to acknowledge to her that I know WHAT she is and expose her to others.

I also want to know I fought the best fight I could for our marriage.

Guess I am going to get a 2x4 here for even thinking about this in Plan B... that's okay, I need the guidance.

I don't know if re-exposing while in plan B is a good option either. To me I don't see any true downside. The BS is out of the picture. I guess I could only seem them love busting each other...I'd like to hear more as well.


Anger comes and goes for me. Just don't let it consume you and try and understand why you feel angry.



Your instincts are probably right.


Her being so young could benefit you, FB has become such a part of society especially for young people, you can literally map peoples entire network and family tree from it. Just imagine having 500 or so friends/family know what a POS you have been. Good luck explaining all of that. Even if you receive blow back from OW or her friends, once the cat is out of the bag....it's too late. Even if she put something on her FB page explaining all of it, claiming you are some mental patient, no one will buy her story, maybe her close allies but certainly not everyone......shame can be a wonderful tool I mean for every one person that you tell I am sure they tell 3 or 4 more people, coworkers, other friends, family.....it's a domino effect.



I can't imagine.......I really can't. I don't know if it's better to know or not know. I do know it's more about your WH than her, usually the OW/OM have a lot of undesirable traits, but they just cling to anything and everything to keep their fix.


You are not alone in that regard.

Caracal,

Here is the guidance. Listen and do what Dr. Harley told you to do. Stay in plan B. Think about other things. You don't really want a 2x4 and you know what to do. This thinking drags you back.

Comments from the expert plan Bers????

AM

Caracal, I too had these thoughts during the beginning months of Plan B. Looking back, you see flaws in your Plan A, exposure, Plan B letter, etc. It's because your mind is trying to process these things. Sort them all out and file them away.

I had a problem exposing OW on FB. Her profile was private, but just before I went into plan B, I looked her up, and she wasn't private anymore. So, I had half an hour before I needed to pick my children up from school, and I exposed the best I could. I didn't know what her parents' names were, so I just started exposing to anyone with the same last name as OW(she never married). Well, months later, my mom was checking FB and saw that OW was open to the public again(not me, she blocked me, HAHAHA). She now had a list of family members, including her parents. I hadn't exposed to these people, so I asked, off board, if I should expose to them. I was told, "Plan B, my dear. Leave it alone."

I know you want to know who OW is. Being half a world away, you're not going to have much chance of running into her by accident. THAT would be awful. Also, you have assurances from others that you don't know her anyways.

Now that you have those feelings all sorted out, you can re-focus on YOU. Have you tried the rubber band idea that Indie tried? What are you doing to take care of yourself? Any new hobbies or interests that you have been working on? What colour are your toe nails? Have you purchased a new outfit lately? Thought about changing your hairstyle? Joined a gym?

I thought your exposure was fine. The point is to shame the wayward, not shock the globe. Just knowing that other people know about the thing they are ashamed off is enough to drag it into the light. Dont worry about this at all.



Um no, this isnt a 2x4 because thinking about the other woman is part of the grieving process. So I understand why not knowing her complicates yours. So this will take a little longer for you, but you will still get there.

I have read on here, maybe you have too, that it is simply a nasty little addiction, a single EP being met. That this being the case, the OP could be anyone - that it could be a goat!

I think you should use the image of a stinky goat, with no self esteem for your OW. It is the truth imo.

As for getting all the facts James Bond style. Well that is all very well and it is nice to know, but I dont think it is strictly necessary.

You can get that stuff out of him later on as part of your EPs if he decides to reconcile.

The day I discovered texts between my WH and OW, was the day before my GPS and VARs arrived. I had got my hands on his phone for the first time and I could have downloaded spyware on it. If I had wanted to I could have found out everything. I still dont know for sure if it was a PA for example.

But if he is telling another woman he loves her via text, and wont agree to NC, then the details dont matter. So my gadgets remaned boxed up while I packed up his belongings

He gets the Plan B door slammed on him and the details of the A are not my business while he remains on the other side of it.

If he wants to come home, he will need to voluntarily give me the details and proof. Yours will too.

Grieve over the A, grieve the details you have, but remember that she is just a silly goat who is willing to be a married man's toy.

When you're done processing, you need to focus on what your life is going to be like without him. You will be ok, I promise!

Great post indie

Cheers! I know what it is like to pick at your past plans and you do just move past it. Just giving Caracal a lift there!

This really is the stuff that separates the stellar Plan B from the 'just ok' Plan B - making it PLAN YOU.

Since I booked my hol to egypt this week and bought some new bikinis (yay!) I have been sailing through (in spite of some vulture activity and attempts at contact from softie) Of course I have more time on my side (and there is the rollercoaster to consider) but you get my drift.....

Nice post indie !

Clears up a lot about plan B.

Read Scotland's thread if you want to be proficient

Or just hang out here. Us plan Bers look out for each other....

Hmmm, I think I have too much self-doubt, and am thinking of all the things I could have, should have, done.

Can I ask who advised you this Scotland? I seem to remember reading a while back that a poster was advised by Dr Harley to re-expose as new information came to light... clearly this is not my case. I can't remember if the poster was in Plan A or B. I think it would be useful for others to know if Dr Harley advocates against re-exposure in Plan B or not, as it is not direct contact with the WS but it is certainly having the BS thinking about the affair whilst exposing although removed from the consequences in a sense. No foggy babble in Plan B.


This does concern me. I am living in a small country town, and whilst in Plan A I ran into my SIL twice, and her husband once. WH was planning on returning for Xmas, prior to my exposure. Should he return, there is the possibility he would bring OW back to introduce to the family. After all, it will be there first Xmas together . Bumping into WH would be bad enough, but I have prepped myself to walk away. If OW was present... I just don't know what my response would be, I think I would be acting on instinct. At this stage there is no point worrying about it, and I don't, but I do have to process that there is a chance I will sooner or later see her. And lets just hope that WH has too much shame to return to Aus so soon.

Thanks for focussing me on ME Scotland. I tried the nails in the palm idea, ended up with indentations TBH but will try again. I will not give up on moving forward and leaving WH behind. My toes are pink, my highlights are gold, and I bought a new LBD for my b'day! And I am off for the weekend to a fancy hotel, to spend some mother and daugther time shopping, eating, and indulging ourselves! That will take my mind off 12th wedding anniversary for sure.

Getting a plan on what I want to do with my life is taking me longer to figure out. The plan for when we returned to Aus has clearly changed and now I feel a little like I am flailing about in an ocean of choices with no idea which direction the shore is... but I am starting to get more ideas and actually being able to think about just how many options I have is a good sign. So I will take a little longer to float in the ocean until I choose which way I want to swim. I will reach land whichever direction I go .

Thanks for the reassurance Indie.

I had read this too and still love it!

Perfect words Indie. This is what I need to remind myself of.

Hi all, needing some advice on how to negotiate some Plan B stuff. Hope to hear some suggestions...

Firstly, I am having my IM contact WH about paying me my share of our car. As far as I am aware, he still has not sold it as originally agreed. He returned to UK four months ago, so plenty of time. The difficulty is, how to negotiate the sum I want... Whilst in Plan A WH was sooo confident he would be able to get a steller price for it (although I think he was overpricing it as an excuse to keep it and tell family that is why he is still in UK). So I am hoping to capitilise on this and get my half of his foggy estimate. I don't want this to turn into my IM being abused on his end that I am being unrealistic. I also don't want my WH to become angry that I am seeking too much and use this as further justification for his affair... Suggestions for me and my IM?

Also, planning for the future so I don't get knocked off balance should WH return to Oz... WH has left some stuff at my parents. Like his bed (I know, I know, I sure was foggy myself) which was a present from his now deceased parents. And another piece of furniture that was a family heirloom (something I am actually quite attached to myself). He has nowhere else to store these items and my parents are using them. I had thought should he return that he would need to contact IM and arrange a date to my liking on when to collect these items, and that he would need to arrange others as he is not entering my parent's home. Is this the best way?

Lastly, WH and I have acquired a lot of souveniers from our travels that I have kept (WH and I agreed to split them later when he was leaving me before I was aware of the affair). These have fond memories (well, they will one day when I get past all of this, at the minute I have them packed away). Some don't trigger me at all, but some do. I am inclined to keep them all. I know this is my betrayal speaking, but in some way I feel WH has forsaken all sentimental items from our marriage, as he has no respect for the memories anyway.

I also have all of our photos, 18 years worth. I expect WH is going to want to try to split all of this or get copies of the pics. What have others done with this sort of scenario. I am not going to sit with him and have a nice trip down memory lane whilst he picks what he wants, that is for sure!

Maybe he will never want copies of these photos and souveniers if skank stays on the scene, I bet she would hate seeing that sort of thing. But I suspect otherwise... whilst back in Aus he was very keen to split the souveniers, he really wanted some particular pieces, and it was I who refused saying it was too soon for me to be able to carve up our memories like that when I had always thought we could share the memories in our old age together. Now in some sense I want everything finalised, so I have no need to have WH contacting IM months or years down the line.

Sorry for inundating you with so many questions, it is a long post.

Okay, let's see if I can help you a bit.

The car will probably need to be taken care of during a D. That is most likely the best time for it, as it is marital property until then, so either one of you has equal rights to it.

His things at your parents, let your parents deal with it. Your WH can not go into their house without their permission. Just ask that your parents not tell you about the negotiations, and don't even bother talking to WH(through IM) about it.

Now, the souvenirs, and pictures? I would say that you need to pack them up, and store them away for a time. Also, do not initiate the discussion about any of those items.

In short, no message to IM about any of the things you mentioned. Pack up the items, as they ARE a trigger. Do something to focus on YOU today. What's that going to be? And how is that Finish learning coming?

I second Scottys advice, if he is full blown affair mode, all he cares about is the moment with her, and he has no respect for what was and what you shared.

I would pass the information and advice along to the IMs also, in case he contacts them, so you won't be bothered with those details, in case he tries to to start up a dialog about them himself.

Take care of you, yes, good advice

Thanks Scotty and CP for your thoughts. And I am doing things for me... maybe too much according to my bank balance this week

I totally agree with the furniture and photo advice. It is not my problem really. Typical me over-analyzing things.

The car I am not totally sure on. I am worried if I wait for divorce I won't see any funds for it. I spoke with solicitor in Aus and was advised that it would be costly and difficult for me to obtain funds through Courts given the property is in another country. I would have to get a UK solicitor involved. It would not prove worth it. So it is best to keep this out of the Courts, as the car and a few other odds and ends are the only assets remaining to be divided.

I believe the more time that goes on, and the deeper WH gets into affair, the less chance I have of actually getting this money. And I am starting to develop some plans on how I want to use it... I need a car myself, although am keen on taking up a friend's offer to meet for a holiday overseas next year.

So how does IM broach this whilst remaining neutral and not giving WH further foggy justification for his affair... maybe that is not possible?