I am married to a wonderful man for 25years.We have strong religious beliefs about marriage...we have been reading "his needs , her needs because of a situation that i recognized that was developing.Unfortunatedly it developed with someone at our worship services over the last year or so.

to give some background ...I have always struggled with low self esteem and I am shy and i am very simple minded and i have some memory issues that have developed over the years, also i have struggled with jealousy issues.I have always worried that i am not on my husbands level . he is very intelligent , wise, willing to help and loves to talk to people.He truly is a one in a million man. I Love him. And he loves me.

His friendliness over the years has caused problems because of my insecurites and jealousy.One of my worst fears has happened. his intelligence of Gods word is amazing he can understand things easily.the last couple of years i have often asked him questions that he thought that i already had an understanding of, remember I have memory issues and am simple minded. this married woman(her husband does not attend) at worship is his equal in intelligence we all love her she is witty and is able to make good comments in class time.He has become attracted to that because of my lack of it and that attraction was blooming and it was very obvious in the attention that he gave her. i would make comments about it and since i do have issues with jealousy i doubted myself .

But it all came to a head and at first he denied it and just said he appreciated her comments. then it was he thought it was something but he didnt know what then when we started reading the book his need her needs it finally came to him that he had become attracted to her intelligence since he realized mine wasntthere and next he liked her smile and this process of recognition has taken over a month at least for him to finally come to this conclusion.

My questions: 1. Can a man really not be aware that he is attracted to a woman and how he is attracted to her?everything i noticed ,he wasnt aware that he was doing. It took him all this time to come to this conclusion. it scared him that he had not recognized his feelings and actions.needless to say if i had not interfered, it probably would have progressed .I feel very hurt to say the least . my fears have finally happened.

2. What can i do ? i am never going to have the intelligence he needs. we have realized a lot of things by reading this book and we want to make it work ..but this hurts terribly and he hurts too. trust is lost and self esteem is not good . 3.How should i handle this? it hurts that i cannot be the one who can handle all of his needs. 4.we can not move away so this will be a constant battle every week. I would appreciate any thoughts

First of all stop analysing who he likes better and whether you are 'good enough' or intelligient enough. That is nonsense. He married YOU so he obviously like who and what you are.

Has he actually referred to you as 'simple minded'? Do most of your 'memory issues' occur with him rather than with others? Even if you do have issues, if he is putting you down so brutally and cruelly, I would consider that a that an affair is actively going on. You need to look into this and rule it out

Your jealously accurately pinpointed this woman was a danger to your marriage. This was a pretty smart hunch seeing as he has ADMITTED you were right.

Without letting your h know, snoop like a bloodhound. Get a GPS, VAR, go through his pockets, go through his phone, check up to see if he is going where he says he is going.

Regardless of whether an affair has happened yet, he needs to agree to never see this woman again.

Married people will come across people they find attractive from time to time. It happens. But it is not ok to keep seeing them and making your partner jealous.

If you ask him to never see her again, I predict you will get a 'no'. He will probably dismiss your genuine discomfort entirely as jealousy and say he needs 'trust'. He will show no concern over your feelings at all.

I predict this because it sounds very likely like an affair and this is how a cheater would typically react.

Hi sunshine, welcome to Marriage Builders. You can put your fears aside because you most certainly can meet your husbands needs. Your husband should not be allowing anyone outside of marriage to meet his needs. People fall in love with those who meet their needs best. And you can do that. What he needs to do is stay away from this woman. As you have rightly observed, she is a threat to your marriage. Now he sees it too.

I guess you aren't too dumb after all, are you? Your jealousy was in reaction to a perceived threat to your marriage. And your husband needs to HEED your feelings and stop getting too close to women.

Your husband should not be allowing any women outside of marriage meet his needs. EVER. As soon as one need is met, the others are soon to follow. That is how affairs begin. If he does that, then he is inviting an affair and needs to knock it off IMMEDIATELY. Since he has admitted he is attracted to her, he needs to stay away. And he most certainly should NOT tell this woman he is attracted to her.

It would probably be a good idea for your husband to tell your pastor about his feelings and he should quit that class.


Your husband should not be giving obvious attention to other women and you should not tolerate such disrespect. Did you tell him how uncomfortable this makes you? Does he often behave in such unmanly, inappropriate, hurtful ways? That has to be very hurtful for you and I would ask him to STOP.

He is lying to you SS. Men know when they find a woman attractive, that they are giving her attention, they are also watching to see if she responds to that attention.

If not, none of us would be here!

However if he expects you to believe otherwise, then he is the one who is simple minded.

You know yourself this makes no sense! Your trust in him is admirable but very misplaced. His 'being scared he didnt notice' is the flimsiest of excuses for knowingly flirting and making you unhappy - oh dear me.