Hi, I have been married 6 years and I'm a Japanese, my husband is American. I have been working hard to make our life better as a couple. My husband is 2 years younger than me and came from the family which didn't care about the kids and ended in divorce. His family didn't seem to care about the basic manner such as saying "Thank you" to someone who does something nice to them...

Anyway, my problem is, I have been living in Japan since Jan 2011, with my husband till Apr 11, 2011. I had my first son in last September and was in Japan from July 2010 till Dec 2010 without my husband. I discussed with him me going to give a birth in Japan where I have a family to take care of while he is going to the Police Academy which means he was gone from early morning till late evening. We discussed this, making sure he is okay with me leaving. He said Okay and would be good for me since he would not be able to be with me...so we lived apart but kept talking on iChat and e-mails every day. Then, he failed the test and got kicked out from the academy...we were kinda shocked since we have a new born baby. I encouraged him not to be hard on his failure and we need to find the option of supporting us. But he seemed not getting over his failure and played computer games day and day...if not the game, then movies with a beer on hand...I was worried...if he is going to do anything...I asked him that since I can't work due to the breastfeeding of my baby, you seriously need to find a job...even sent the link of the job that he might be interested...but he seemed not really care. So I asked my parents for help. They were happy to have us here in Japan. They wanted him to learn Japanese so that they could talk to him. and It would be great to have him in the new environment since he was upset with his failure. We were on the poor side. so for my son's sake, Japan was the best idea to have a family. I do not need to worry about just in case situation for a baby (due to having a good insurance). So I discussed with this idea with him. At first, he was a little hesitant because he doesn't speak nor understand Japanese. But over time, I persuaded him. But also I told him to be honest with me like if he doesn't want to come, we need to figure something out. But he said it is okay, let's go to Japan. So here I am still in Japan since then.

My husband went back to the USA on Apr 11, 2010 with a bad reason. He didn't do anything but playing game. I could not work due to my son (he refused the bottle and only taken breastfeeding), so we were under my parents care. My mom provide good meal everyday for all of us. We opened a small in home English school but we didn't have many students to start with (I think any business starts slow). I was the translator, he was the teacher. But, so many free time...he just wanted to play game he has been addicted to since 4 years ago. When I told him about reducing the play time, he stopped playing for that moment or the day. I suggested to study Japanese...he did it when I told him...he doesn't make any action by himself. My mom was very tired of watching him playing game. Even worse, he had his son on his lap and playing game...My parents were not happy the behavior he showed. They have seen enough of that while visiting me in the USA. And here I was between my husband and my mom...I felt that if I let him stay like this, I'm getting tired of hearing my mom has to say and as I've seen enough, he has no intention for making the situation better. So, I suggested him to going back to school since we qualify for the financial aid. His mom lives in Oakland, CA. So I asked him to ask his mom for help while he is going back to school. This way, he doesn't need to worry too much of the cost of living. He wanted to go to school but he didn't want to leave me and Alex and living apart again. But this is the only choice of us getting back together in a better environment. We discussed many times...I didn't want to live apart but couldn't come up with the better idea.
So this whole idea is this, he moved back to USA, living with his mom for a while until he finds a job (part time)and be able to rent a place (doesn't matter if it is too small) and get us back there together. He agreed so I bought him a ticket and let him go hoping he would do good. My intention was also let him learn to be independent for the family because I have been provided for everything for him.
We kept talking on iChat and e-mails while we were apart like last time. He was working for a while but the job ended in Aug. But I noticed that he is not really saving money for us to live later. I can check the bank statement and made me worry that he would spend all. So I told him that. I was kind of hash on him sometimes on money. and We had a big argument in July. He told me he doesn't love me any more and we should end in divorce. I was shocked to hear that. At the same time, we both started reading "His needs, Her needs" and that gave me a huge wake up call to me that I haven't sexually pleased him and neglected my outside looks. I apologized him for what I did for him and he kept telling me that he doesn't have the spark anymore and I'm more of a sister than a wife. I asked him that I can change that if I can avoid divorce since we have a son. And he has the problem of not telling me what he wants. When the plan doesn't go what we hoped for, he blamed me that that was your idea and I didn't want to do that...I told him to speak up whatever he has in his mind and we agreed on trying to put effort more for our relationship. I knew he didn't have the love in me, but he kept saying he misses us and loves you after this big fight. so I though we are going to be okay.

We made a plan back to where we were before leaving to Japan in Sept, he originally wanted to go to UCBerkeley, but to go there, I heard there are a lot of homework and no time for the part time. being on the student loan won't be enough to support all of us. So I told him, we should think the way we all can afford. that was to go back to where we used to live...I graduated university from there. We have all the friends there. He agreed so I managed the apartment and we finally decided on the date of us flying back to the USA which is on 11/24.
Last week on the 5th, we talked like a normal talk. He was excited to tell me the news that he got the interview for the internship. I was happy for him, but I asked him, so where that's gonna be? it was around the bay area. So I told him...what about us? it is good that you got the interview but did you think of us? I just managed to live where we were and this might going to change again? He only said it'll work out, it'll be okay...I need more than that. The plan. So I told him that I have been feeling. I said that I have the feeling that I want to stay here but next minite, I want to go back to you...it is weird. He was like, stay there then...I just wanted to hear that this is okay to feel but instead he just gave me this cold sentence that if I want, stay there. then another argument happened. I asked him if he is seeing someone, he said no but he was on and off telling me there are so many cute girls in the bay area...(yeah, not fun to hear)and I know he has a strong confidence on his looks that he can get any woman he wants. then we started the divorce talk. I did not wish he wants that. But he said he want a divorce. So I was disappointed on him and mad, told him that he needs to return all the debt he owe to me immediately, that is probably around 10k and told him to give child support for our son. He said he will but I know he is not capable of paying all the debt and that freaked him out. He changed the password of the bank account we had money together (money that we sold our stuff, tax return, my deposit from the landlord etc) even if the name is his. (We have everything separate) and talked to the lawyer (free consultation). He doesn't know this but I can sneak into his e-mail account and found the e-mail he send to the lawyer...and again, shocked on what he wrote. He couldn't even tell our basic information like my age was wrong, our time being married was wrong, he said I have been cold to him since 3 years ago, I haven't supportive while he was in Police Academy and couldn't stand being with me...money is most is his (not really) and he wants to pay as little as possible to me...I was very upset when I read all the lies he could come up with...I have been supportive for him...I never caused any pressure for him, I paid my bills in most cases, I paid more than he did. I knew he doesn't have enough money and felt sorry for the situation. Then we did the iChat with him asking what is going on with him lately and you should decide such a horrible end after we try things. I was willing to give him my change on looks and sex as he wanted once we meet. But he kept telling me that he doesn't love me and he couldn't see the future with me. I asked him since when he has been feeling of divorce. He said since a couple month ago...(around the first argument). But he kept telling he loves me till the day before. Who was I talking to the whole time? I was lost in his words...which part of him is the real...I send his mom an e-mail asking what is going on with him. (I do not get along with her but seek the best option possible to save the marriage) She gave me the reply blaming me for her son's unhappiness. She said he has been tring hard to please me. I wasn't there to look for an apartment, finding a job to give her son the environment he needs for school, I am not willing to commit to the family. she wants him to keep going to school...so on...I was shocked..she wanted me to work so that his son can attend university...I have a son. who is going to watch him? Day care costs...This is the first time I asked my husband help for finding a place for us and be a little responsible for the family...but she thinks I'm not there to support and he needs a partner who gives all that support he needs.
I knew his mom cares only about her so she left and didn't even teach the kids the basic ideas for living. and she only cares for her son. I could expected that but it really hurt me as well as my parents support for my husband. While I was in this state, my husband sent me a message saying that talking to the lawyer freaked him out and lets not do the whole thing!...okay, what we not to do? Divorce? He can change his mind that quickly if it is expensive? his care towards me is that cheap? I couldn't hold myself but to e-mail to both him and his mom about the truth. How much I and my parents cared for her son. I gave the example of my effort. If he tried so hard, how come we do not have the outcome? He bought the bike when I suggested for the car would be good. He did what HE WANT all this time. He didn't spend a dime for his son. I showed the fact and made a such a long list...but this stopped him responding to me. But I needed to let his mom know how much I tried for his son when she didn't do anything. and I sent another e-mail asking the true reasons of the divorce and if he is seeing someone. Of course he is ignoring. Then I checked his e-mail last night and found the photos of him with a girl being intimate. The photo was taken on the 8th right after I sent the long e-mail. I felt the shaking inside. couldn't sleep nor eat since he told me that he wants a divorce. I don't know what to expect. His smile on the photo made me think that he doesn't even feel a guilt for his son and me. Does this kind of a guy feel guilt on a wife? I was hoping he is at least faithful but that was just me. He already found someone else before solving the problem with me. I want him for my son's dad but part of me tells me that no more struggle. I can't change a man. He has been only cared for him, he would probably stay that way. But I wanted him to at least try the best.
I want to hear the opinions of what to expect and the fault is really on me... or is he ever going to notice what he caused me? Any thoughts are welcome. Please help...

And my husband sent this to me this morning "Anyway to respond, I'm not sure there's a way I can say this without pissing you off further but I suppose your opinion of me couldn't be much lower. It's mainly just how we are so different. Our relationship hasn't been one of radical spontaneous love and I don't think it ever could be. I just can't do it anymore, it's so cold, there's no spark for me, my hearts been cold. It's like everything about us is opposite. And there's the family thing, I don't care how bad my family has been compared to what you've been used to or compared to what's normal. They're still my family. I know Alex is my family now too but even so. I need to live, really live. I don't expect you to understand, maybe one day." So he has no guilt on what he has done?

Oh, dear, mayumi. Such a long story! That's okay, but: how do you want us to help you? I'm not totally sure what your issue is..

He doesn't care about his son, Alex, he doesn't care about me...so there is only one way to solve this issue. I'm hiring the lawyer and let him pay the price.
Thank you all for listening!

Seems she is in Japan with their infant son, he is unemployed, living in the US with his mother, seeing someone else, wanting a divorce and blaming the OP for his problems.

EDIT: Here's her other thread in SAA

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2552850&page=1