My Story:
Married 7yrs - 2 DD (4, 6) and 2 DSD basically mine (11, 15). WW connected with a guy in town on facebook when he sent her a PM saying "you are so beautiful". Flattered her and she started chatting and then texting A LOT back in March/April. I caught her about 2 days after she gave me the "I feel different about us" speech that came right after we had sex one night. I saw a chat pop up on laptop from him and she quickly closed it as I was standing there. A few minutes later while she was in bathroom I saw it pop up again. This was on Easter night. This jerk then even called several times and I finally answered and said "no more". He said "your wife needs to tell me that".

Well I started checking phone and text records. In one month they had more that 6000 texts between the two + phone calls. Through-out the next month and half WW continued contact but told me otherwise. I noticed she had a new yahoo chat acct I found in her web history on smart phone. She locked me out of the phone company website. All the while she tried to play out normal life with kids and me. Still took bike trip with me, camped with kids etc. Still having sex too. About a month after D Day I had suspicion she was going to his house after work and giving me false times when she was done with work. I found his house and she was there. He just arrived and told her he saw my car. I met her at the end of driveway and she drove home. Shortly after he started messaging me on FB telling me to tell her to stop calling him etc. she made her choice and he was not gonna be the guy on the side.

7th anniversary came in June and we went camping at a local festival. I went all out romantic. We had the time of our lives connecting again, crazy good sex, etc. Just a day prior she stopped at his house "one last time to call it over" and she took a pic with him. She admitted this to me on day 1 of the trip and then he posted it on facebook. She again said it was all over.

I found out on Fathers Day weekend we traveled to Ohio that she was there again the day we left via his FB msg to me. He described what she wore that day down to her color of underwear. She still denies having sex with him btw to this day. On 6/23/11 she called me and said she was done with him and cannot live deceiving us both and wanted US to work. Never wanted to contact him again. I felt real good about this. 1 month to the day later he FB msg me again saying she txt him everyday... she denied of course...I still dont know if it was true.

August 28 - found his # on her phone again from earlier in the week - even though it was supposed to be blocked. He called to wish her happy b-day was the excuse cause he saw her in town. I flipped out and she said it was done... really it was nothing... she really only wants me. Again I felt she was heartfelt in her response.

Mid September - found a call again in her phone log after she went alone somewhere. It was a call into her phone and then her return call. Both less than a minute, they did not talk she said. She called back because it was odd as she had his # blocked which she showed me this time it was. A week later I noticed her behavior was not nearly as loving toward me. I questioned her and this time she said she wanted to separate.

She has since backed off separating but claims she is just not sure of what she wants any more as she feels it can never be the same as before and that she feels responsible for it and not sure if she wants to live with me always having doubts about her. I have told her I have forgiven her as that is what God commands of us as Christians. She claims to be smothered by me and that I constantly expect her to do be lovey with me. In reality I am just looking for normal affection. A kiss when I walk thru the door coming home. An "i love you" now and then.

We went thru a Love & Respect class at church during May and June and it helped us treat each other much much better. God challenged me to write a marriage covenant and present to her. I presented it last week and she loved it, but she is not willing to sign it. Nothing in it is scary...but she feels I am "pushing God on her"... which is odd for a Christian to say. She lacks a good Christian friend where we live and I think that has contributed to her not living the straight and narrow path she believes in.

I have been in counseling since June. My problem is "letting her go to God". I cannot seem to back off and put my faith in Him to do His work on her. Control freak? Probably. So this week I have really backed off as she said she needed some breathing room. From experience I believe she is not sneaking around seeing the OM, but she is just keeping her distance from emotionally. It is hard to lay next to her in bed as I love her so damn much. She is all I ever wanted in a woman, and she tells me I am an amazing husband - all a woman could ask for.

My question is how to get through this without pushing her away any further? I don't want my family ripped apart. My heart breaks for my daughters if they knew their mom has strayed. We try so hard to teach them love, respect, honesty and commitment and this would rock their world!!

Sorry about length - thought backstory was appropriate.

Think of her OM as her crack cocaine of choice.
You are living with a woman who is hooked on the attention OM provides.
She will chose to contact OM instead of doing other less exciting things.
Things like reading or spending time with the kids will be cancelled or delayed or rushed .... so she can get that 'high' OM provides.
No matter what you say, as long as WW is deep in her adulterous affair, she is a lousy mother. Do not attempt to protest this fact.
OM attention will win out over her motherly duties, and this will worsen over time.

More time thinking about/chatting with/texting/touching/having sex with OM = deepening of the conditioned pleasure/reward stimulus associated with OM.

In other words, the longer you wait to take action to STOP her adulterous affair, the more she will be hooked, and the less pleasure she will derive from any other source.

Do you get that?
The addictive nature of adultery worsens the longer it is allowed to go on.
The addictive nature of adultery is modulated by neurotransmitters that create a conditioned stimulus in her brain. Her crack cocaine is OM.

She will, she HAS, put her OM (crack cocaine) above her need to have God in her life.

She's on a fast track to hell, and you want to wait it out?
You are willing to allow the mother of your children to fall into deeper pits of sin and despair.

When God hands a man/husband/father a tool, and that man refuse to use that tool to save his family, I think that man is a coward.

Are you a coward?
Or, are you God's warrior, willing to fight for your family?

Yes, or no?

The reason this affair has evolved to the point of her wanting a separation is because you have spent most of your time enabling instead of trying to save your marriage. Your wife is the crack head and instead of helping her sober up, you have been driving her to the crack house. Its very hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler. Rather you have been wasting your time trying to meet needs and APPEASE someone whose lovebank is obviously closed to you. She has been rewarded for having an affair and is enjoying the attention of two men. For what possible reason would she ever give that up?

Would you "let her go to God" if someone were raping her in front of you or would you man up and try to save her? Because that is the issue here, Sir. You need to run this OM off and fight for your marriage.

Has this affair been exposed to everyone? If so, to whom?

God DOES NOT "command" us to forgive the unrepentant. You are harming your wife by passing out cheap, feel good, unwarranted forgiveness when there is nothing to forgive. That is not how Christian forgiveness works.

I always like to look at thread titles, because I think they say a lot about the poster.


You have no reason to have hope.
Why not?
Because you have no PLAN to end the adultery and you have no PLAN to rescue your family.

You might be "looking for some hope" .... but really, you should be ....

LOOKING FOR A PLAN OF ACTION !

Without a plan, hopelessness/helplessness/despair/and a soon-to-be-broken family.

CLICK THIS *** link ***

Read the entire thread.
This is the outline of a plan.

Wait a minute.

How does one meet "a guy in town" on Facebook?

How do you approach someone who lives in your town via Facebook? Is there a group for the residents of your town? Seriously; he sent her a message saying "you are so beautiful" and she started an affair with him because of that?

There is a lot you have not found out. How did they really meet? More pressing: are they meeting now? If he is in your town, how easy that would be!

I don't believe that she cannot meet him because of her tight work schedule. She is meeting him somehow during the day. Perhaps he is connected to her work? Perhaps that gives them a legitimate reason to meet, without disrupting schedules?

What else do you know about him, other than that his wife died of cancer? Come to think of it, how do you know THAT? Did your wife tell you that?

BUY THIS ** book **

You will become depressed and hopeless if you refuse to pick up the tools to save your marriage/your family.

You are the one who needs to changer first.
Your wife is an addict at the moment.
You must be stronger/braver than a man sitting on his butt, hoping something will change.

YOU must be the change.

That she works on medical truck makes it seem as if she is in central America or somewhere.

Are you together every night? Is she working away from home? (I am not asking you to reveal your location.)

The founder of this website started his career in alcohol and drug treatment therapy. He clearly associates the dependency on drugs and drink to a cheating spouse need to be with her cheating partner.

That should make you feel a little better in that is not you, its her.

So we found out who to blame.

Now, how to fix it. Get the book Surviving an Affair and have you and her read it.

The first thing you must do is OUT the affair everyone. If the other guy is married, start with his wife. Then his employer, then your parent, her parents, siblings, and even kids. This is, bar none, the best way to end the affair.

Let us know how this goes.

Stay focused shes in the deep fog.

I can tell when she is at work. It is a mobile medical unit and when she is on her computer I can tell by the chat mode she is in when we converse. I know the commute times back to home. I can also call the direct line. He may know where her truck is but from what I can tell in msgs they have met at either his place or a place a shares with his mother. He works midnites in a completely diff industry. They friended on FB as we are about 4 yrs apart in school. I was even friends with him on FB as he was a familiar name and also had several mutual friends. I am certain it stemmed from there. There was really no other way they would've connected. As far as his wife goes - yes I am certain of this too. I perused his FB enough to know that.

In fact I just had lunch with her at her work (works 2 days in same town as me) and I said I woke at 3:20am with a upset gut in which she said " and I am sure to check my phone too". That led me to inquire "why would I - do I have a reason?" "no" no contact since the last missed call I saw. I then asked when she last saw him..."forever ago" was her answer.

I explained to her I knew the OM was like crack cocaine - she said it isn't like that.

I really want to send her the "To the Unfaithful Lurkers - A Gift" letter I just saw on here. It says everything - a wonderful slap in the face wake-up letter to the WS.

I want to get going on a plan. hard to do with so much work and no possibility to get on here at home. I need to do some reading somehow?!?!?!

Thanks for your help everyone!

MrAmazed, don't send her here!! That will ruin your ability to save your marriage.

Come back and we will give you a plan. Exposing the affair wide and far will have a dramatic effect on the affair.

Exposure is the most POTENT weapon against an affair.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO !



Did you even READ the carrot/stick linked thread?

And that is MY thread .... it is for waywards who are already lurking.

Time for some quick facts about WWs that have been established through analysis of dozens (hundreds?) of BH threads here:

1 - Your WW is still involved in the affair. Right now, it might be dormant, only "active" in the "dirty little secret pleasure-spots" in her mind, but she still craves him.

2 - As long as she hungers for him, she will NOT be in love with you. WHs can pull that trick (loving two women) off, but WWs cannot. It's either him or you, pardner.

3 - While the affair may very well die out on its own, by the time that happens, she would have rewritten history and your qualities (to justify her heinous infidelity) that your marriage will be an absolute shambles, probably irrecoverable. You must kill the affair ON HER PART, not his. He's not important to your situation except as a EN-donor to your wife'ds addiction. If he's gone, and she's still "jonesing" there will always be the existence of another OM.

4 - Her current life has made this affair possible. Be prepared, if necessary, to ruin every vestige of that current life of hers. You may have to shame her in front of family and friends, you may do things which will get her employment terminated, you almost certainly will have to reveal to her children the depths to which their previously revered mother has sunk.

We could spend a week easing you into this, but I don't think we've got a week to spare in your case. Print the following action plan out, and be ready to activate it. This is the affair-destructive PLAN you need, not empty hope.

1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put a spy program on any cell that she might use. (�Eblaster� can cover #4 as well.)
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take �personal� calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and �on� whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife�s contacts, to the tune of: �I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333�
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM�s contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.

Issues I have currently with exposure plan

1. We cannot afford to have her lose her job - bread winner
2. I dont have access to her computer she uses at work.
3. Her phone is a palm - I've looked into it b4 and cannot find a spy software for the Op Sys

Crap I must go get kids to practice... so much info and stuff to learn... Feeling overwhelmed in every facet at the moment (work, kids, this infidelity) ARRRRRRRGH!

I will try to check back -

How does workplace exposure apply if they met on Facebook?

I am confused about why you mention workplace exposure? Is this a workplace affair? Who gave you this exposure plan or is this an assumption on your part?

We do have several different options for spyware for phones. Brickhouse security might be able to help.