My wife and I have been married for 21 years, and "cycled" good and bad for the last 10 years. 3 years ago I had enough (sexless marriage, "depression" issues, her going to the casino, etc.) and I moved out. I started toward a divorce, but she started calling, emailing, and coming over to my place, pleading with me to come back. She made all kinds of promises and swore that she had and would change. She agreed to go back to church with me and to see a marriage counselor. We also read and followed the plan for "his needs her needs". After a few months things were great and I moved back in with her. I told her at the time that if it got bad again I was leaving for good. Within 6 months of my moving back in things started to dramatically slide again. The sex stopped, she started going back to the casino without telling me, etc. I stuck it out until this past July, and then left again and filed for divorce. Now she is doing the same thing that she did last time with all the promises of change and such, and is asking me to come back. She says that this time since I actually filed for divorce and started moving on with my life, she got a "real" wake up call that she needs to change for good. I own a company that has been growing. Her portion of our assets is a LOT more today than it was 3 years ago when I wanted to divorce, and it will probably be more every year from now on. We are 90% of the way through the divorce settlement negotiations right now, so I told her that I would be willing to give "us" another chance if we could take the divorce settlement and turn it into a post-nup agreement that we both would sign.
That way if it doesn't work out in a few years, it won't cost me literally millions more than it would today in addition to having my heart broken yet again. My opinion is that if she was really serious and committed to making it work, she would have said "YUP, bring it here and I'll sign it right now!!!".
But she just got upset and refused. her attitude is that we shouldn't have an "easy way out", and that the marriage needs to be rebuilt on trust and faith, not based on financial decisions. What do you guys think? Am I being unreasonable, or am I right about her not being truly committed if she isn't willing to sign the post-nup with me? I should add that I put MORE money into the post-nup for her than I had agreed to in the divorce settlement, and that I was adding to the amount that she would receive for every year that we stay together.

I'd tell her it's not an easy way out. It's a legal document that lays out the consequences if either of you go back on your vows.

Anyone who does not plan to slack off after a while really has nothing to fear from a post-nup.

I think I'd make it pretty tough, if either of you consistently fails to meet specific emotional needs, spelled out clearly in advance of signing, then they walk away with a minimum of assets should a divorce be granted.

The cost to the spouse who fails to meet these emotional needs is clearly spelled out.

Again, the spouse who plans to meet the others ENs has nothing to fear.

Either she's totally on board and willing to put her money where her mouth is, or she's not.

But it has to go both ways, she too gets to spell out her needs and how she wants them met, and if she can prove you failed to keep that promise, you get the small side of the settlement.

I don't know if such a post nup is legal or enforceable. But that is how I would approach it. The post-nup protects the marriage, not any one individual spouse. The spouse who fails to adequately invest in the marriage gets a minimum of assets should the other grow weary of the continued failure to meet agreed upon needs.

Since she wants to build your marriage on "faith and trust", I would inform her that signing the post-nup is a good way for her to do just that. However, the post-nup is not going to save your marriage, no matter how much money is involved. It seems like you two don't POJA much so, that may be the main problem right there. If she has behaviors that are unacceptable to you (gambling at the casino behind your back), you need to inform her that they are love busters and will cause you to fall out of love with her. However, she also needs to give you a list of EN's to be met along with love busters to avoid. This website and Dr. Harley's books are great resources to look into if you want an intimate, loving marriage again.

Thanks for the advice!
My wife and I spoke about it again last night, and she now says that she would probably agree to signing a post-nup, but not right now because it contains that same stuff as the divorce settlement, which was extremely painful for her to have to go through.
To me that's like having an alcoholic spouse who says that they will join AA in a few months if you will stop divorcing them.
I don't know how to get through this issue without out becoming a "one wins /one loses" thing.
ARRRRRRRRRRGH!

rob, you need to just divorce her. If she were serious about changing she would have changed. And she would have no qualms about signing a post-nup. I suspect that she is more interested in having you around as her personal ATM than being in a real marriage. You have given her numerous chances and she has never come through.

A better plan would be to divorce her and then *IF* she ever demonstrates real changes over a long period of time, you could consider re-marrying her. This is a win/win situation because you are protected legally.

You are right that your wife sounds very much like an alcoholic and an alcoholic will say or do anything to get what they want. And not mean a word of it.

I would strongly advise you to just divorce her. Then if she changes you can remarry her. That is much more consideration that she deserves.

DITTO what Mel said

double Ditto.

robylakeguy, when MelodyLane and Pepperband both agree that it's time to drop the rock and move on, it's best you pay attention.

For the record, I came here nearly three years ago, trying to hold on to a marriage that I couldn't see was totally bogus. Both of these fine ladies gave me enough that it finally sank in.

WxW and I have been divorced over a year now. While I'm sad it came to it, I have no doubt that had I continued to pursue the unattainable, I'd probably be today a basket case at best, or dead by an overdose/suicide at worst.

This site is "Marriage Builders" and not "Marriage at all Costs." Please accept my suggestion to pay attention to these fine ladies. They know whereof they speak!

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I should add that I put MORE money into the post-nup for her than I had agreed to in the divorce settlement, and that I was adding to the amount that she would receive for every year that we stay together.

Just curious about this part - why would you do that?

I agree with everything that Mel said.

I did that because we have had SERIOUS issues regarding the split of our assets. She has asserted that I have been trying to take advantage of her in my settlement offers during the divorce negotiations, and this is probably true on some level because at that time it was "every man for themselves". So I figured that to show her that I am 100% committed to keeping up MY end of the deal, I would add something (financial cost) that would "sting" me if I decided to leave instead of continuing to work hard on the relationship.

Rob, there is no marriage here to save as it is. There is nothing here to indicate that she has changed. You really would be better off divorced. And if she proves herself after some time you could consider remarrying her.

Well,
I wanted to update everyone here.
She agreed to sign the post nup without any changes or other considerations, so I decided to give it another try.
With the "money" issues out of the way I'm hoping that we can move forward and work on the relationship without either of us being concerned about finances in the future. The agreement is pretty heavily loaded in my favor, so I honestly feel like she is sincere in her intention to "get it right this time" (her words).
Wish us luck!!!
Thanks again to everyone for your advice!

She agreed to sign the post nup....did she actually sign it legally or just agree in principal?