Me(28), living in Japan
my husband(26), living in Oakland CA with his mom in a tiny apartment, full time student with no job.
been married 6 years.

I am going back to the USA on 11/24 with our 1 year old son.

our plan till last week, I'm moving back to the USA to live with my husband.

Then, a little talk made him suddenly tell that he is not in love with me and want a divorce.

After he told me that he want a divorce, he went out with his mom, her boyfriend and seem to be a new girlfriend. (I found the pictures from his e-mail account I can sneaked in)

I don't think he was dating anybody till that point from what I guess...

I read about surviving an affair post and it says good idea to expose it...but I don't know I should wait till I move back to the USA or does something already.

I sent e-mail saying "have a good life with you and your family" and that e-mail was the last one for now till we proceed in divorce.

I prefer not to end the marriage without us trying to work it out but he believes that he can't do it or make any difference.

His mom is the bad influence to encourage him to get a divorce and date a new girl. I want him to move out but I doubt he even want to...

I keep my silence right now...I don't even know if he talks to me till the date I move.

He also forwarded the e-mails from me to his mom...does that mean he is asking his mom's opinion?

I don't know what should do from here...I keep my options open like trying to consult with the lawyer (free consultation at this point)...

Should I tell him that I know? or let someone else tell him that?

I am hoping that once we see each other, he will gain the love back or something...am I too optimistic?

Thank you in advance!

I'm going to make some assumptions here, and they are to clarify your marital situation to allow for advice.

You are Japanese, obviously. Is your husband American?

You were 22 when you married, he was 20. Was he a serviceman stationed in your home country? How is it that you will be going "back" to America?

He is now living with "mommy", who seems intent on facilitating his infidelity (Going out with him on a "double-date"? Really?) Was she in favor of your marriage?

Where I'm going with this is that hubby is obviously not mature enough (anyway, not displaying the maturity) to understand that "marriage" means "forever", not "just long enough to get through my service commitment and return to Mom."

She, having a "boyfriend" as opposed to a "husband" (was she ever married?), is going to be of no help in educating him (even at this late date) in his adult responsibilities.

You have a real ugly situation, Mayumi, and a very small chance of success. You have no real juicy exposure targets, and he is being supported in his infidelity by his major family presence.

I think you should move ahead with your divorce preparations, as you make the final effort to win him back.

to celticvoyager

Thank you for your reply, I asked him the exact reasons of the divorce and if he has a girlfriend already (before I found the photos).
He said, he doesn't care how bad his family (mostly mom) has been compared to what's normal or what I'm used to. Here is what he wrote, "It's mainly just how we are so different. Our relationship hasn't been one of radical spontaneous love and I don't think it ever could be. I just can't do it anymore, it's so cold, there's no spark for me, my hearts been cold. It's like everything about us is opposite."

okay, he said he can't do it anymore...but in my opinion, he hasn't done anything to say that in action.

He doesn't say anything about the affair and I'm not sure if he is trying to hide since he said he wants a divorce so maybe he thinks it is okay to have a girlfriend.

When his mom insulted me, I wrote the long e-mail to both of them telling the truth about us...she believes I'm a [censored] who can't give support to what he wants...but I have been there, I was supportive...she even said I didn't find a apartment and a job to support him going to school...I was shocked...I have a year old son and she want me to work for her son. I had two part-time jobs and was a full time student while my husband was addicted to the video game.

Anyway, I want to access to his phone record but to do that I need to change the password...he might suspect. What I can do right now is to check his e-mail account of any suspicious activities. So far, he bought the helmet for the women (I assume for his new girlfriend) and the date photos.

I now who the OW is, she is a classmate from his college. And I can get her e-mail address from his e-mail account.

But I don't know how to kill the affair...I'm not there to face him till I move back...Is there anything I can do at this point? Should I e-mail to the OW?

To NeverGuessed

Yes, my husband is an American. He is not a member of any military...I have been living in Japan since the middle of Jan, with him till the middle of April. We were under my parents care when we moved here, I have a child, he failed his police academy and didn't look for a job or didn't find anything to support us. (basically couldn't afford living by ourselves)

He didn't do anything like trying to communicate with my parents and siblings by studying Japanese but constantly keep playing his favorite game on computer...My parents were mad, I was in the middle between my husband and my parents, I suggested him to go back to the university...luckily, his mom was in the bay area CA so I made him ask his mom if he can stay with her for a while.

He promised us that he will find the place and a job (part time is fine since he is on the financial aid) but he just failed to do that. I was irritated at him many time that he spent more money than saving. Only bill he has to pay is his cell phone...then we finally decided to move back together but he said he wants a divorce.

My guess is that he found the freedom where I don't exist to tell him what he needs to do for the family, he can find cute girls when he goes to school, his mom is there to cheer him up whatever HE WANT to do...so he doesn't wanna come back to the reality but to choose to stay in his fantasy.

Yes, he doesn't wanna come back to the responsibility where he needs to help raise his son, going to school, and work part time jobs. I told him that I will help him to succeed. He didn't have "mom" for a while in his life and found that it is fun to be around since he lacks responsibilities and seeks fun for himself.

He even ran to the free consultation about us with the lawyer, and I read what he wrote and surprised that he couldn't even know the numbers of years we have been married nor my age...sounded like I'm the one to blame. Then, he e-mailed me that the cost of divorce is too expensive so let's not do this...He is so obvious that he cannot think the situation clearly...(it is very embarrassing to even say it)

Quick info about his family:
His mom got divorce and left his son and her daughter for her own happiness. She never taught anything to her kids. She has no common sense. His sister is like an animal. Already 22 but not working nor finished even a high school. of course, no common sense at all. She cares ONLY her son from what I heard from her and what I saw her in action. It is amazing to find the family like this actually. His other relatives are very normal. His parents are the unique.

Yes, they totally lacks maturity. (I'm trying to be mature in my action)

But, no matter how bad the family is to others, she is still his parent and now, he is in the fantasy and don't wanna listen to me at all. I can totally see him going to the hell (live pay check to pay check just like his mom or dad, not actually finishing school(dumped the responsibility, why he goes to school now?)).

We were not like this when we were together. We lived apart for 5 months prior and he was fine (I mean faithful). His mom wasn't there last time. He is the type of the guy who can focus on one thing at a time. (very near-sighted)

Yes, once I move to the USA, and I need to face my husband that he is no way of being a responsible then I need to move forward.

To CelticVoyager

Thank you very much again for your response.

Well, speaking of his cell phone account, I can't come up with the good excuse to break his password. I have nothing to do with his cell phone account. I can change his password anytime but then he would know. (he goes there to pay his bill)
I don't know any friend closed to him since he moved there. He mentioned a couple of guy friends in his classroom but I have no idea who they are. Basically, I don't know how to approach to this.

Well, his mom is completely irresponsible but his grandparents are very normal, I mean the typical you can imagine. Only his mom (the worst), and sister and dad are the unique ones. His sister and his Dad lives together and they are harmless. His mom is more on her son's side and believes everything he said. Even after I showed the proof how much me and my parents has done for him. It didn't get to them at all. Waste of time.

I already arrange the place for myself (not in the same city) We were planning to live there together before this all happened. I'm renting the place from my good friend (she was my host mother when I just came to the USA to learn). They know the situation and are willing to help me out on my son while I look for a job. I am thinking about seeing him in person when I arrive on the 24th of Nov. If he doesn't run away from me. I want to show him our son to see if I can see any guilt in his eyes or not. My parents are all willing to help me out on the issues even if this end in divorce. SO I have a lot of support on my side...BUT, he seems to have only his mom on his side (and girlfriend).

When we lived together, once in 6 months, his mom called or e-mailed him and telling how she is doing. I never stopped him going to see them as they are his family and even if I don't like them, I encourage him to go see them. But he didn't really show much interests as his parents never be with them when he needed. And, we actually got a fight in July about us not having spark (mostly he said) and at the same time, we both read "his needs, her needs" he mentioned that I lack attractiveness and sex which is the most important for his needs and I was willing to learn and fix myself to be attractive and good in sex. He lacked honesty. He blamed me many time when our plan doesn't go as we wanted that that "wasn't my idea, you wanted this". So we agreed to fix our problems. Especially for our son.

So looking back...he hasn't done anything. I financially supported myself...everything was 50/50 on bills (rent was for sure) but other bills, mostly I paid. But I wanted to make our marriage work for my son.

I know I want to expose the affair he is having to everyone he knows including his relatives...should I save all the e-mail addresses in to somewhere for the future exposure?

I don't think he contacts me anytime soon. What should I do if he does? Should I ignore till I move there?

I wish I could do something...being so apart drives me nuts!

To CelticVoyager

He had jobs in the past (I found it and made him apply) but it was only to support him, not enough to support me.

He didn't even notice that we needed baby stuff, when he got money, he spent it for alcohol (not an alcoholic level). He just too stupid to realize that he is a daddy or just doesn't care...don't know.

We met each other in Karate class when I was still a international student. We shared the karate as a common activity but I stopped doing it as my school is getting hard and didn't wanna go out at night anymore (2hrs in 7-9pm at that time)

But we managed to survive our marriage this far even if he knew I didn't like his mom...so I don't get it why he has to quit now.

to expose his affair to his grandparents...is it a good idea to do so now? or should I wait till talk to him? I'm afraid of him not to come to an agreement when we file divorce if I expose it right now. His fantasy has just started...maybe it is good idea to wait till seeing him in person?

Yesterday, I could sneak into his Facebook account. He used the computer here and luckily the computer saved his password. But he doesn't use it as much...he is not big fan of using them. But I found out the OW more. They became friends recently like the time he told me he want a divorce. I also found out that OW is 19 years old!! She posts her cell number on there so when I check his phone record, I can know which number he is calling and who she is.

I kinda wanna let him know that I know of his affair. Should I use one of my friends who he also knew and let him know that he is busted? I rather not confront him just yet.

If I need to talk about the child support and stuff, it is better not to make him mad? I know he has no money to hire a lawyer when it comes to the court fight. Just talking to lawyer freaked him out and suggested to stop doing this (this I guess he means divorce). This was before I sent a long e-mail so he is mad at me right now.

Thank you for listening and giving me advise!

To CeltivVoyager

He has never tried supporting you or the baby and has only ever been concerned about his own pleasure and happiness. Does this sound right?

YES IT IS VERY RIGHT. He never take any responsibility on his own action.

Yes, I managed to survive this long. Not we...unfortunately.

I just talked to one of my friends about him and she knew him as a friend more than I do. She understood the situations and she knew him that he needs to grow up. She is going to talk to him about me and Alex and his future plan...what I wanna see is how he say to other ppl about me. If he said he wants a divorce and starts his new life then it is not ashamed of telling her that. So I'm gonna see how he will say to her. She can be very trusted on this.

As of exposing an affair, I will tell his grandmother on his mom's side. She seems to have moral. if not, that is okay. But normal mom would teach a kid correct way if she knows that is wrong.

Can I sue him for alimony and emotional heartache? I'm a citizen of Japan and not have much knowledge of the rights when it comes to the divorce. I am waiting to move there to have a discussion with the lawyer about it actually.

I know, that divorce would be the best option for me when he and his mom are totally not responsible for their own action. I'm not sad anymore, it hurt a lot, not just me but my parents were hurt by his action and words. I couldn't eat nor sleep for a while, so I will show him what the reality of his irresponsibility is going to be.

So, I guess I should talk to his gramma to start with. Exposure is the last thing I need to do. If this gramma seems to be on their side, bring it on.


What is plan B?

oK, Once you expose to everyone you know and he is still not willing to work on the marriage and break off contact with the other woman, you do plan B. Here is a link describing it:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

I guess I have to wait to expose the affair to everyone until I move there physically.

But what if he gets so mad and not come to an agreement for the child issue...that would be bad is it? I don't think he is capable of taking care of a child but to fight against my will...

meanwhile, I can suggest his gramma to talk to him about an affair he is having?

You need legal advice before coming to the US. If you have joint custody (the child probably has a double nationality, rightand you establish a place of living in the US, you may be charged with international abduction of a child if you want to leave for Japan with the child. They could practically force xyou to stay if you have lived with the father there for a while.

NOw, I am not a lawyer, nor am I familiar with the quirks of Japanese/US law, but you should ask someone beforehand.

Also, bicause you are binational, depending on the place you live and for how long, it may change, which laws from which country apply to you, depending on where you married and if a legal system (choice for legal system from either Japan or USA for the marriage) was chosen in your marriage contract.

You might want to ask the japanese embassy in the or, the US embassy in Japan, as they will be able to answer your questions on the child custody issue, and they will probably be able to reccommend a lawyer who specializes in international family law.
Because you need an expert to get the best advice. Normal lawyers are not fit in cases that involve more than one nationality.

It may cost you 100-300 S I suppose, but make sure you know your rights before you come to the US and establish residence there, as this might have legal implications rightaway.
Also they can probably tell you, where to best file for divorce if it comes to that, so you will have the best rights. (That may be the good thing about binational marriages ;-)

I am in a binational marriage and I know this can be legally complicated.

Take care of yourself. You sound like a person that thinks about things and has her future planned. Your husband, on the other hand, sounds (forgive mme) like a bum, who made you pregnant and is not thinking about anything than immediate gratification.

God bless you,

Happyheart