Sure she would, shes a cheater who wants freedom to cheat. She also wants the freedom to ignore you and what you want.

It is not demanding to ask for an end to all secrecy. Our advice is not actually that you put a gun to her head, but see whether she will willingly do it.

If she will, shes serious and you can class her as worth keeping.

If not you should get your heart out of there before she stomps on it some more.

Tell her 'this is what it will take to keep me in the marriage' but stress that it is her choice whether or not to accept recovery.

Look at it this way - Is it any less controlling and demanding of her to insist she continues actions that hurt you and risk your marriage? And say that you just have to put up with it?

Feelings are not truth. It is not dishonest to CATCH someone cheating.

What is dishonest about looking into things which are part of your marriage?

I think, like lots of very honest people, you dont like to withhold information or mislead people as to your feelings or intentions.

That is great. That is honesty.

However your wife's body has been taken over by an addict. By an alien. One who is holding a knife to her throat. It will cut her and cause pain whenever she tries to free herself.

You cannot come clean with this alien about your means to destroy it if you expect to save your wife from it.

Dont confuse the alien walking around in your wifes body with the wife you once knew.

Once you have your wife back, or once you have the information you need to hurt the alien, you will tell her and it the full truth (and everyone else via exposure) about what you are doing - Saving your marriage. So the wife inside the alien will have the full truth about what kind of husband you are (one who fights for his love!).

P.S. Loving women (especially trapped ones) LOVE this. Alien waywards do not.

Dishonesty is what the alien is doing online and with OM - because she has no intention of telling you the truth now or ever.

But maybe your wife will if we can free her.

At MB we place a high value on being open and honest.
It is one of the cornerstones of this program.
And it is how you BUILD a great marriage.

But right now you are not in a true marriage -- you are in a FIGHT for your marriage. And you need to use tactics that might not make sense to you. You need to study our "art of war" threads. Because you need to man-up and fight this.

Your wife has already used some of her tactics to shut you down.
You back off at the first sign of her anger -- so she knows she just needs to get pissed off about you looking at her phone to make you stop. She'll just get more and more secretive. And more and more addicted.

Yes to this. I should have been clearer on my previous post - don't ask her for any passwords, etc, right now. Get your snooping tools in place and get those yourself.

You can get all of her codes, passwords, etc, from her after she agrees to end all contact with OM and commits to staying in the M.

And you NEVER divulge your snooping tools! Even after you've begun recovery.

Mr Amazed,

You have a great place to start to save your marriage, this site gives you a controlled plan that works, finding out the affair is 1st, don't confront come back for the next step......
If you want to save your marriage you have to do what you must, would you rather just let her go on and fall in love with her OM and leave you.......
The key is staying in control and not acting in haste.......
We have all been there before you, scared like you are, feeling the same way you are.
It's hard to do the steps but it works and you usually end up with a better marriage.........
Backbone, calmness, and a good plan is what will get you what you want.......

UPDATE: HAD A TALK AFTER CAUGHT LOOKING IN HER PHONE
Last night I got up around 1am to snoop her phone and gather info. Found msgs to OM on email back on 10/1 and 10/2 saying to HIM "you made ur choice" and "I can't take it anymore". Then I saw text to her she hadn't read yet. Sounded like she was having txt to him earlier in day and asking where she was etc. she obviously didn't stop as the following txts were "i know why ur not answering, im trying sooo hard to understd but i dont, when u get that car back in gear then, and only then call me" " How does it make u feel next to him? Im done with this drama. It is killing me. Baby I love you but I got to go."

Worse yet I found chats from a different guy. He wanted to have her stop by and see him...talked about working out and running and said he might get in shape with a couple hrs with her BIG SMILE. She responded by saying "haha maybe what are your work hours". I got this guys phone # and email but i looked and no FB that I can find.

Then I seen some msgs from a site called TAGGED. A social site that looks like a hook-up type of thing but it is dormant as she hasn't had much activity at all on it. She nvr logged out so the link in email took me to her acct. Nothing in there other than guys saying "hey" "your cute wanna chat" etc.

She then woke up and caught me snoopin... At that point I'd had it. From 2am on I told her very calmly if she wanted any part of saving the marriage she must be:
1. Open Honest and transparent - No more secret chatting, pswds etc.
2. I was doing the work to save the marriage, she had to show me she wanted this,
3. I am only interested in saving the marriage
4. She has already had 6mos to figure this out and my heart was not going to take it for much longer. I have released her to God knowing I'll be OK whatever happens.
5. I must do whatever it takes to save my family - especially the children.
6. She tell me the truth about her affairs and if she had sex (again I was asking)as it was not only my health on the line but maybe even the children. She was upset "for the last time no! Don't you think I know that?" And that she could count on one hand the # of times she saw him.

Later she started talking if I wanted divorce & I told her I would only talk about rebuilding marriage. Divorce would be for the lawyers to talk about and I would use all means necessary to get full custody of the kids. At this point she went bezerk to which I said, "You weren't very loving to them when you made your choice". "You must understand that I want them raised with the utmost morals and you have not depicted that by your choice." "It is a much easier route to try to figure out why u r not in love with me any more than to go through the big D."

She started blaming me about how we used to argue and bicker alot and that I have fault for this, which I then pointed out that #1 it was her choice that caused this all to happen and #2 she never once approached me to ask for prof help or pastoring etc. It was all out of left field for me.

Well she got dressed hopped in her car and sat there for a while. I went out after 10min and prayed for her safety and clarity and that she would have her heart return to God.

She was gone about 1hr. Came back and we talked a little more. She said she was sorry for everything that she did. She cuddled me and we eventually had sex. I probably shouldn't have but it is hard to control at this point as I do still very much love her.

I know I am not following a Plan very well as it just spontaneously happened when she caught me snooping. I only can get on here at work hours and I am buried right now so I need to end and do my job. Also leaves me little time to study. Our home internet is crappy as we don't have Hi speed...only a mobile hotspot from our fones which has crap reception and slow speeds. And I know I have so much to read here.

Thanks for any thoughts on a Plan from here. Hope I didnt screw stuff up too bad

I thought I would post her story here that she wrote on this website that I found from her emails back this spring. Just for further insight about her. Its pretty candid.

WW Story below...

Ok - So here I go. I am 37 years old and very active. I work full time, training for a marathon and raising four beautiful girls. I was married once before and my 2 older girls are from that previous relationship - which ended due to many factors but one of the main reasons is my ex cheating on me with other women, go figure! So I picked up the pieces of my life and ran into a man that I graduated high school with and even had a little fling with back when were 16! At the current time I was living in another state and had traveled home for a weekend to visit family when him and I met back up. I was perfectly happy living my single life (and sometimes today I think why didn't I just stay that way?!?!) Well we ended up starting a relationship and I was able to move back to my hometown I found a great job etc. We married in 2004, 2 more girls later we are in present time 2011. We go through our lives and do the same thing day after day etc. My husband and I get along well we enjoy a lot of the same interests and to be quite honest he is a great man as a husband (we have had our fights etc.) and a great father. For about two years now I have had this feeling of emptiness - I can't explain it...is it me not being in love, is it my same ol' same ol' life etc.? Anyway I have always been the one that has said if you have an affair it is because YOU WANTED it to happen and YOU WERE LOOKING. Well I stand corrected that is not true at ALL! About 3 months ago I received a message on FB from one of my friends - known him from around town and he is friends with a lot of my friends etc. were not neccesarily in the same social ring but we know of each other. He sent me a note and said..."you are so beautiful". I was a little shocked and really didn't know what to say at first - well you get all warm and fuzzy and say wow what a wonderful thing to say. I responded with well when your on the way down to 40 any compliments are accepted. We then just started talking...not neccesarily sexually or romantically, just talking. He has 3 boys - I have 4 girls and just stuff. He wants to start getting in better shape, I am training for a marathon "just stuff" well we made a quick friendship and we started talking via text or email etc. Well there was a weekend and my girls were out of town and he came over to visit me and well that is when everything started...and it has been going ever since. He is not married. He tells me he is in love with me and wants to be with me...but fyi I am married. I feel so much love and compassion for this man, he is on my mind all the time...which is so unfair to my family. I am still doing my motherly/wifely duties...but you can only imagine. I am meeting him before work on my day off we spend it together etc. I am at a point contemplating divorcing my husband...I am so confused and scared that my family, my children, my friends will hate me if I pursue this...but I feel that I could be so happy with him...or is it just lust? Is is so new that I am crazy? How many other women have felt this way? On top of all this my husband has found out and he is doing everything in his power to "save us" from praying and pushing me to attend this class at our church for struggling married couples etc. I don't think I want it...is it wrong to feel that way? I think about the home we have built etc. I have a great job and will have no problem supporting myself and my girls - as I have thought about the fact that I will more than likely be the one paying alimony etc. since I make more money than my husband does. I just have so much in my mind and then I have my affair telling me sweet nothings..and we just fit so well together...but than I think...I thought that once with my husband too..then I am right back to where I started from! Please give me your feedback...and be brutally honest...I need it...I need someone to talk to...no one knows about this but my husband, my affair and myself..not even my BF of many years she has no clue!!!

Two things I see that you should focus on:

1. demand that she end her affairs

2. TODAY - expose her affairs to everyone, her parents, your parents, friends, close family and most especially children. If any of these OM are married, expose to their wives. Do this WITHOUT WARNING.

Don't argue with her anymore. Stop preaching to her and very calmly expose her affairs and DEMAND she end ALL contact with these men. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so bringing this out into the light of day will ruin the fantasy and motivate her to end her affairs.

Ask all the adults [friend/family] to speak to her. Ask them to use their influence to persuade her to end her affairs.

Good job on snooping! The only thing more I would recommend is that you try and get a GPS on her car and install spyware on her phone.

Disgusting .......

Thats a big 10-4 !!! FOGGY?

You forgot NUMBER ONE: END YOUR AFFAIR!!

You have no marriage unless she ends her affair. You should NOT tolerate her affair.

Pretty sure I said that. I just didnt list. I put it like this... " I will no longer put up with your affair...I do NOT deserve it... I am worthy of being loved...so this has to stop"

Good!! Here is the message you need to send to the affairees:

I am planning on the GPS but I cannot find spyware for her phone as we discussed previously. Have tried all recommended here plus tons of other sites... GRRR. Need to get her Android or Iphone as there are plenty out there for those Operating Systems.

ROFL Melody, that is really funny!

She has been texting me this morning... started out saying that she loved making love this morning to me. No one else could ever please her more in bed.

Sending pics of 4yr DD brushing hair and getting ready and asking to eat lunch with me.

Now I wonder is this just to pacify me? I know I know - expose to kill it. My head is spinning circles. o_0

Does WW carry some sort of supply bag with her to work? A backpack perhaps?
Can you get your hands on it and sew a GPS into the lining?

LINK to a "mini" GPS with a 8 week battery life

MrAmazed --

Start with exposure.
You can always require that she get a new phone and phone number as part of your requirements (that will be one that you hand her with software loaded!)

I think your talk with her hit all the major points.
If she brings up seperating -- don't buy it! All she's trying to accomplish is time apart to continue the affair.

Its either fix the marriage, or she can leave.
You might want to dispel any notions she's developing about being friendly with you after divorcing you. Let her know that won't happen.

Expose. Now. I hesitated too...but when I did -- it made ALL of the difference. Nothing mattered until exposure was done.

It's the only way to have a chance of saving your marriage, your family.

And, as indiegirl stated perviously, the woman inside the alien...the addict waiting to be saved, will look back and be blessed -- because she will know -- that you loved her enough, cared for her enough, to FIGHT for her, your marriage...and she'll thank you, her hero, for pulling her back from the cliff...

God Bless.