MrA --

Realize that she is trying to pacify you right now.
Being friendly, flirty, etc.

Thinking she can just smooth things over.

But she IS STILL HAVING AN AFFAIR.

Expose it to kill it.

And I second what Lexxxy is saying...only AFTER exposure did I move on to the requirements for recovery -- the EPs.

Made sure to emphasize we were either married, or we were not...no separating, no 'being friends' post divorce....it was either NC for life, meet my ENs or I was gone.

Talking to her in the fog was pointless...exposure snaps them out of it, and usually rather quickly.

For emphasis.

LISTEN to helpfordad and to Lexxxy.

...and I did this just this past March. Can you believe I could've done this in December???

It's like night and day compared to 7 months ago....but I let it go for 3 months...for fear? to pacify her?

Knowing we could be 10 months into recovery rather than 7 is something I regret...especially when my W THANKS ME for saving her, for getting her head out of her a--. I feel bad that I didn't do it sooner, like I let her down, our marriage down.

And, frankly, my exposure wasn't nuclear, but targeted....and seeing what THAT effect has been, I can only imagine the results if I had gone full blast.

Either way, its true -- shedding light on the affair will kill it...as Dr. Harley says, mahybe not instantly, but it will 'hasten its death'...as Susie or GloveOil, I think, usually points out -- if the affair is so damn 'right', then why aren't they shouting about it from the rooftops???

Expose this and get it started on its demise...

Please listen to this advice. Trying to reason with an addicted wayward is like trying to reason with a falling down drunk. Exposure will sober her up REAL DAMN QUICK.

What about the plan? Please don't get distracted with this kind of stuff.

The alien will do anything to avoid going through the one thing that will kill it and drive it out of your wife.

The wayward in her is sensing a threat to the status quo and is responding to eliminate that threat. She's playing you. Crafty little wayward, that one. And very typical.

MA, your current situation is so similar to HFD's in the time just before the exposure-bomb went off in his WW's life, it's uncanny. Affair "kinda" halted; WW dithering about self-admitting and ending her waywardness and re-committing to her family; BH not trusting the advice here, or (Sorry, HFD!) not having the grit, to take the necessary step to get on the path to recovery.

Then.......BOOOOM!

All the excuses and deterrents disappeared!

I'd lay it out for WW in the following manner: She must be willing to send an NCL; commit to counselling with a practitioner of YOUR choosing; and engage in following the MB plan, or you will take (unnamed) serious actions to end her indecisiveness.

(And, seriously, there are few BHs who have as unimpeachable evidence of her affair for their exposure packages as you do!)

No offense, NG.

Most of it was the trauma of the A itself...and just the absolute disbelief that exposing, rather than keeping it a 'personal matter', would actually work.

Quite the opposite. It's clear that exposure may not end the affair immediately, but it will certainly speed up the timeline of its demise, and it will end.

Or, as I have learned first hand:

"Exposure will not end the marriage, but it will end the affair".

Thanks.

Oh, and let me add:

Even now, my W will admit she can't believe the things she believed in the fog -- let's be firends with OM, the kids will be fine, the divorce will be amicable, etc. -- and says looking back she knows what was necessary to do and even apologized for doing some 'kicking and screaming' about what was needed to recover the marriage while the fog was still present.

None of this happens without casting light on the affair...even the APs know the only real oxygen of the (fantasy) affair is secrecy...

Thanks.

Just had lunch with WW and DD4. It was a good spirited talk. We did talk about NC ever again with OM and she said she would, that she just has to ignore him etc. I asked if she texted him back last nite and if so what she said. She said she did and that she did not want to sacrifice her daughters and the turmoil it would cause. BINGO. She still upset about full custody comment. Says she would never deny her children of me if it was other way around and she'd fight tooth and nail not to let it happen. I stuck to my guns and told her it was the most immoral act against our marriage/family, and I would like not to go that path, but she needed to commit to complete transparency and rebuilding the marriage. She asked what transparency meant to me and I said "you know what you need to do, NO SECRECY in marriage. - NOTHING"

What disturbed me was that she said she cannot just turn the switch off for her feelings for OM and that she knows that I would always question her in everything she does. I told her that it will be a process and would take work, but not as much as the other path! This also makes me think that there will always be that feeling unless I NUKE IT...but I am sweating freaking bullets thinking about the short term ramifications. Cause when we parted she gave me a big hug and said "I do really love you, I do". Like u guys keep telling me though...she's feels a threat to the status quo. This is sooo dam hard.

Whats next is how I react to her reaction...I am clueless. I am sure she will say " HOW COULD YOU, YOU BLEW IT NOW, I SAID I WAS GONNA TRY WITH YOU BUT NOW U PISSED ME OFF!!!" Ugh my gut...

Yep.

That's what my W said as well...read my posts!!! And she actually asked me: "how is telling the world I'm a sxxt taking care of me and our marriage?"

And, when she went to run to the people I exposed to to tell them the bad man I was for fighting for my family and marriage, you know what they said?

"If you don't like the consequences, you shouldn't have had an affair. BH is doing NOTHING wrong in defending his family/marriage. If you don't like it -- LEAVE!"

No one can defend an affair....when their world is crumbling around them...when the addiction is ended...when the fog begins to lift...when the full weight of the damage they've caused hits them...they see the only one still left standing there for them is their BS.

Oh, and this lasted all of 1 weekend....and then she was done. Time to get off the fence, which she did rather quickly...

It's not a matter of 'ignoring' him at all! 'Ignoring' him means he's still around to be ignored.

All methods of contact must end. No calls, texts, emails or seeing each other. Even from across the street.

I don't understand what she means by just 'ignoring' him.

Ignore this. She's foggy. Foggy waywards say stuff like this.
Yeah, she'll probably blow a gasket. They often do. She'll eventually wind down, though. You need to stay calm in the face of her fury. Remember this phrase and use it: "I will do whatever it takes to save our marriage." And repeat this one to yourself often: Your marriage can survive her temporary anger. It cannot survive an ongoing affair.

This is not a victory for you MrA.
Its continuing the secrecy. Its continuing the lies.

She needs to write a letter like the one we have here.
One that states there will be no further contact EVER between them. And that she is choosing YOU and your marriage over him.

The text she just sent him might be cooling things off, but her reason is that she's going to martyr herself for her children. She's not sending OM the clear message that she is going to be with her husband. Or that the affair was WRONG.



You should be pushing her for a No Contact letter, not asking her if she's texted her lover lately...

Thanks everyone. You know how to make it all reasonable. She is going out tonight with a bunch of friends in her industry (all girls - seen FB posts) and she is planning on being home early as she has to drive 4hr to my DD15 athletic event.

Since we departed lunch she is texting me about times we made love during the early years in crazy spots. Like she said earlier, she was getting the tinglies thinking about this morning when we made love. Ugh - is she feeling the spark or what here? Its all happening so fast.

No MrA -- she's not. She is trying to distract you with sex.

She's trying to make sure you make no more demands or requests of her. Maybe you'll just forget all about this little problem. Then she can pretend it never happened. (while she gets sneakier about covering her tracks...)

That's one cool way the alien can keep you from doing the one thing that will destroy it.

Don't expect any progress until you follow the plan, okay?

Any chance you can spy on her while she's out tonight? It would be way easy for OM to just 'happen' to show up there. Take your camera.

Mr Amazed....

FYI

Lexxxy was a WW back in the Jurassic period.
It will pay you tons of dividends to LISTEN TO HER.
No one knows the WW mind better than Lexxxy.