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Joined: Jan 2010
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I know that my grandparents' marriage lasted nearly seven decades, and I know that it was not "grin and bear it." I do not know if they were in love or not, but I do know that they weren't just sticking out something they didn't like. He retired early and they spent almost all of their time together with the exception of a small handful of men-only or women-only church activities during the week. While they sometimes picked at each other, I will bet that they were making pretty good love bank deposits and were happy with their life together. I saw them up close -- I lived with them for years.

With a little more affection, and a little less picking, they might have been even happier, but I could tell they were not merely "toughing it out," and they definitely lived an integrated lifestyle that they enjoyed and were both enthusiastic about.

Just throwing that data point out there.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Aug 1999
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Hi NC,

Been a long time. You know most people really don't take well to education when you know they are wrong, and they know...nothing.

My favorite line is from Dr. Phil: "HOw is that workin fer ya?" My guess each would answer: "Not so well."

I suspect the kids KNOW that Mom and Dad are not doing well, and frankly the "staying for the kids" is whoooie! They are staying for themselves not the kids.

I would not try to force MB down either of their throats. I personally would take the line that as long as you are going to stay together for the kids, why don't the two of you learn to handle the situation better for the kids and themselves? Get them to buy into that, and then start to "train" them into changing their perspective about how to co-exist.

You know some "radical new ideas" that you create about say MrRollieEyes Oh! "stopping love busters". Or perhaps you could have an ephinany (sp) about helping each other (meeting needs). Or spending time together as a family and perhaps spending time enjoying life...together. wink

And then if you can convince them it is in their kids best interest to make their remaining years as a family better than they are now, then perhaps you might mention a...book. That's the ticket, they need a book. laugh I think you know which ones.

Seems to me you need to consider this a fishing trip, select the right bait, present the bait in an alluring manner, and then reel them in.

Just thoughts.

God Bless,

JL


Joined: Jun 2004
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OK. All good advice.

So they aren't MY kids. As much as it breaks my heart, you can't swoop in and do anything. They are the parents. They have to live with the choices.

The dad doesn't want to work on it. His job has him travel a lot and he is getting his ENs met outside. So to him, she may as well be a cheap housekeeper.

The mom was the victim of an A as a child. Her mom was a WS. So she can't comprehend forgiving him. I think she would move out, but the dad has financially trapped her.

So what I can DO is throw breadcrumbs. And just wish it were more.

Too bad real life isn't like the comic books.

Joined: Apr 2005
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frown


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Joined: Jun 2004
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Don't be sad, Neak. I've been around the world. There are kids out there who have to overcome far worse than this and do it.

In that vein.... Said on the news today that girls who watch "Reality TV":

a) gossip a lot more
b) get in fights more (When I was in HS in a rough town with a BIG population, I think I saw maybe 2 actual girl fights. Both of my HS age kids have seen more and they came through in a real small town, what's up with that?)
c) Obsess over their looks.

compared to girls who don't.

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