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You can help her, if you take charge.
Do not let her terrified feelings of despair shake you, stand strong for your family.
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Yeah listen to the girls, they will let you know, how she is playing you.
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Her entire purpose of getting your resource is to DISCREDIT it.
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You're getting tons (Marital you PITA:)) of good advice, but one thing - you remind yourself to deal with the pastor that blew your confidentiality later..She needs a good swift kick in the career. Lol, Reynolds that is right on. Sounds like a flaky church IMO. Sometimes being alone with God is the best medicine for our conscience. My wife suffered for years because she felt like she would be letting God down, and unfaithful, and might relapse, because she went to a counselor, or AA, or admited God put those people here as his agents for healing. Its like the story of the man who was in a flood, and when the fireman came with a boat, he said,"No God will save me" and stayed at the house. When the waters rose and he was on the roof, a helicopter came and let down a rope ladder, and he said the same thing He drowned and went to heaven, and asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God said, "I sent the fireman and a helicopter" People are proud, and don't see, the body of Christ works through the spirit, even when people don't belong to the church. But they have to have attendance, and want to work dependance, into the lives of there congregation. I would say that the Pastor broke a confidance, arrogantly and dangerously so. They don't know about saving marriages obviuosly either. For someone who is supposed to know about the spirit it seems they are not factual but are emotionally based in thier faith. Many churchs are like this, and sell themselves as the be all end all of everything, when God is bigger than the church, and the pastors only have a portion of God to share, they don't know all the answers. But there is help for her, if she will accept she needs it, from professionals, who might not go to the same church, but pray to God to be of service to others, but they do it in private. What arrogance, and what Pastor, betrays a trust like that? He was not my pastor, but he is a close friend of ours that is a pastor. I think he talked with wife about this and she leaked "council" about exposure. She deduced it from there.
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Mr. A,
Anytime she brings up the exposure thing, tell what you�ve been told to say. It was a necessary step that you took no pleasure in but you made a decision to end the affair.
All the rest of her babble is just that. You don�t believe it, but I�ve seen the situations enough to know that your WW will be a rollercoaster, but will very likely end up being a remorseful WW.
Keep being strong. Emphasize that you don�t regret the steps you took to kill the affair. Make it clear to her that if she ever talks about suicide again that you will call the police if necessary and that you won�t take threats of suicide lightly.
Be the calm and strong presence she�s looking for.
When she asks about why you exposed, ask her if she�s ended her affair and is willing to write a no contact letter.
Never apologize for the actions you took to end the affair.
Believe it or not, your situation is very salvageable. Lots of the WW�es here who are deep into the affairs run off with OM. The violence against you, however, is unacceptable and should not be tolerated.
Seriously, call the police if necessary.
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The fact that she is more concerned about the damage to her affair than she is about the damage to her marriage should be quite enough to judge her sincerity. All of this crap about where you got the idea to expose is a distraction that should not be entertained for 2 seconds.
Do we care if the falling down drunk is angry when we take the car keys away? Of course not. And we sure don't let it stop us from driving him to the treatment center to get help for his drinking.
Keep your eye on the TREATMENT, MA, and don't allow yourself to get distracted by the angry, manipulations of a falling down drunk.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Such nuclear exposure is indeed very hurtful. It is embarassing and humiliating, no doubt. It seems wrong to expose a person to high dosage radiation that would make them sick, but if it is th last measure of attempt to cure the cancer patient, who can blame the doctor? Be sympathetic to her feeling humiliated, and even apoloigze to her, but at the same time tell her that she gave you no other choice but to do this. Of course, she can say "limited exposure" would have been enough, but then again, how would you know how much exposure would do the trick? Exposure method relies on shock effect, and it does not work as effectively if it is done gradually. I remember a poster mentioning a frog in a pot analogy where a frog in a slowly heating pot just get used to it and never bother to jump out, instead just choose to die in it.
As for poly, I don't think you should press on poly too hard on her at this point. Give her some breathing room. She is still in a fog and may resort to some self-destructive act or decision while in it. This is not over yet. You should continue your snooping effort to make sure the contact has indeed ended.
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She want the list of all people I sent message to on FB. She wants to write her story of what this exposure has put her through. I don't understand what it is she will gain from this. Says if I don't she will share with all mutual friends. I said fine, but I think you should cool off a bit. I think she may just embarrass herself more and her DD's that have friends that could see this public announcement.
Keeps asking me for the scripture that I read where it was OK to expose to the whole church for when a son sleeps with a mans wife. I cannot find it now.
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You have been successfully distracted from discussing the affair.
Now the main topic of conversation is exposure.
We've seen this happen before MrA.
The fact that your wife is focused on DAMAGE CONTROL instead of MARRIAGE REPAIR is a big red flag to us.
You need to take back the wheel and start driving. Your next talk with her should be to request that she formally end her affair by writing a letter to OM stating there will be no further contact with him for LIFE.
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She want the list of all people I sent message to on FB. She wants to write her story of what this exposure has put her through. I don't understand what it is she will gain from this. It's called damage control, Mr. A., and you'll be painted in the worst possible picture. Your credibility will be damaged. Are you in contact with her parents? What about YOUR list of requirements for being married to this woman? Take the wheel back, my friend. I'm sorry, but your wife is completely full of it and is just trying to regain the upper hand. A buck gets you twenty that she's been in contact with OM since this all started.
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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The fact that your wife is focused on DAMAGE CONTROL Ahhh, Lexxxy beat me to it! 
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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She want the list of all people I sent message to on FB. She wants to write her story of what this exposure has put her through. I don't understand what it is she will gain from this. Says if I don't she will share with all mutual friends. I said fine, but I think you should cool off a bit. I think she may just embarrass herself more and her DD's that have friends that could see this public announcement.
Keeps asking me for the scripture that I read where it was OK to expose to the whole church for when a son sleeps with a mans wife. I cannot find it now. Please stop trying to reason with a drunk. It is a waste pf time. You are wasting your time with this. You do not allow the falling down drunk to dictate the terms of recovery. Your wife is not sincere about recovery and part pf the reason is because YOU are not taking this seriously. When you present your list of conditions in a serious and firm manner, and stop getting sidetracked with all this foolishness is when she will believe you are serious. Yu do not have to present her with scripture. You have to present her with your CONDITIONS. How insane is it for an active adulterer and liar to demnad that you produce scripture to justify yourself? Ask her to show you scripture that justifies adultery and lying? Good grief! She was not throwing around scripture when she was taking her panties off with the OM, so her use of it now is more than a little hypocritical. Show her your conditions, stick to your demand that she get a polygraph and STOP making excuses for a fantastic exposure. Exposure is NOT harmful and her objection is only a result of her fog. Don't enable that fog by giving her premise any credence.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Shes trying to focus on your actions to save the marriage instead of hers which are destroying the marriage. Stop being distracted, eyes on the prize my friend.
FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
Recovered!
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She want the list of all people I sent message to on FB. She wants to write her story of what this exposure has put her through. What about what her freaking affair has put you through?!? Gimme a break! What she *really* wants the list for is to say this to everyone you contacted: "Hey, did you get this crazy note from Mr. Amazed with something about an affair or something? Yeah, that was just a big misunderstanding. You see, he heard me talking to Bill and thought I was cheating on him. Seriously, Bill is just a co-worker and we were going over this stuff for work. Have you ever heard of anything so crazy? We laughed about it all last night, but I just wanted to catch up with you to explain what happened so you didn't get the wrong idea about me! It's been one of those days, that's for sure [laughter]"Keeps asking me for the scripture that I read where it was OK to expose to the whole church for when a son sleeps with a mans wife. I cannot find it now. Ask her right back just WHAT scripture says it's ok for a married woman to commit adultery. 
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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If she wants the list, give it to her. If she thinks that will help her ease her humiliation, let her do it. Just tell her that you think it might be counter-productive. But, then again, who knows? Either way, stay sympathetic to her feelings. Although she brought this upon herself, she is hurting.
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I want to put it bluntly.
The marriage you had is over.
You can divorce, you can stay married to an unrepentant wife and try to appease her, knowing where that has gotten you, or you can forge a new marriage.
The second and third points cannot co-exist. You need to get that into your head.
This is what Mel told me early in my turmoil, it helped coalesce things in my thinking,
"ok, Herb, I am going to tell you straight. She probably is not in love with you and hasnt been for a long time. You let your marriage die on the vine.
Do you want back the same messed up marriage that led to this? you would be crazy to want that back."
The sooner you realize this, the better chance you have of changing things, if she goes along. You can't control that, you can't appease her into it, talk her into it. All you can do is be the man, the leader of the family, that God called you to be. If she want's to come along, great, but you can't do a thing about it one way or the other, you only control yourself.
If you have truly destroyed the affair, then step one is done.
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P.s. DO NOT APOLOGIZE for exposing her affair. You did nothing wrong and apologizing is inappropriate and only allows her to continue to demonize you for doing something good. Apologizing to a manipulator is to hand her ammunition to use against you. She owes you an apology for putting you in that position.
Stick with the talking points I gave you and tell her you are sure sorry she put in that position a it you are willing to give her a chance to earn your forgiveness.
When she rants and raves and blames you, dont get distracted. Be a broken record and stick to your conditions. Tell her this what it will take to keep me in this marriage........
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Lonewolf,
Why don't you start a thread of your own and share your story? You've been here a while, but don't post. It's kind of odd that you've posted on two threads - like you were waiting for this thread. I almost wonder if you're the pastor's wife that counseled against exposure.
Steph
Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
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Be sympathetic to her feeling humiliated, and even apoloigze to her, Don't you DARE apologize to her for taking the necessary steps to save your marriage! As for poly, I don't think you should press on poly too hard on her at this point. I think you should make a polygraph a requirement for her to return to the marriage. I guarantee you that she is lying through her wayward teeth.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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She want the list of all people I sent message to on FB. She wants to write her story of what this exposure has put her through. I don't understand what it is she will gain from this. Says if I don't she will share with all mutual friends. I said fine, but I think you should cool off a bit. I think she may just embarrass herself more and her DD's that have friends that could see this public announcement.
Keeps asking me for the scripture that I read where it was OK to expose to the whole church for when a son sleeps with a mans wife. I cannot find it now. Why are you allowing her to boss you around like this? YOU are driving the bus, Mr.A. Not your WW. She is trying to grab control from you. Just tell her you let important people in your lives know about the affair so they could support your marriage. Leave it at that. She wants to put a backspin on your exposure. Don't let her run the show like this.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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