As for poly, I agree that there is alot of truth to dig, but rubbing poly on her face at this particular juncture may be too much for her. I would say, just ease off a little on it, and bring it up after a while. I was referring to the timing of demanding such, as she is terrified of how to face her colleagues at work right now.

"I am sorry that I had to do this, but..."

I just feel that it is important that WW should feel connected with BH on an emotional level.

I was referring to the timing of demanding such, as she is terrified of how to face her colleagues at work right now.

My wifes letter she wants to send out...


Hello � I am writing to all of you to share some sad, heart changing, amazing things. To begin with I don�t know who my husband ---- choose to share our struggle with an emotional affair that I was involved with off and on for 6 months. I am GUILTY of this and I have been persecuted by ---- � when I say this he chose to share the details of this with family, friends, co-workers of acquaintances and mine. By my actions he felt compelled by our God almighty to shame me into returning to him, hence saving our marriage. I don�t know if what he did will save our marriage or put it faster into destruction � I am still at prayer for that. I have always been a believer of Christ and was on fire for the Lord for a long time. I don�t know the point that I went from having God visit me daily to me only speaking of his name and not feeling is grace but by not having God in our lives � the devil was able to enter and enter he did. You may choose not to read anymore but what you read may change your life and maybe find your way to the Lord our Savior, our Redeemer. Before you read the rest of this story I want you to know I cast no blame on ---- for his actions as he felt he was at his end with me and knew of no other way to try to keep me but by shaming me. ---- and I have always appeared to be the perfect couple � we were till we slowly grew apart from one another we did not nurture and care for our marriage in a Christian manner, this is one reason why so many marriages end in divorce. This is NOT an excuse but it opened a hole in my life that allowed the devil to creep in and grasp a hold of. My �affair� started very innocently and preceded that way for sometime, in my mind. I sought conversations with this man for the purity of not having any conflicts with him, and he would cast no opinion on me. This should have never been happening as we as a couple should have been there for one another. As it flourished I began having feelings for this other man. I fought this battle in my heart and my brain for several months, as I would stop and say �what I am doing is wrong� but then I would �miss� having that friend of mine and he too would come back and contact me. I was battling my heart and had asked ---- for a trial separation, he refused me. I thought once again I could make my heart click for him � it would not because God was not yet back in our marriage � I was shoving him away.
The day that ---- sent out the letter requesting prayer for my affair that I was carrying on I was away with my daughter at a swim meet. He had sought counsel on public humiliation of cheating spouses, as I have never heard of this, and I don�t believe he handled the information correctly it opened a wide gate of hell not just for me but for ---- as well. He still stands strong by what he chose and this will be one thing that I will need to heal from the shame that he placed on me for my actions. I was angry, hurt and felt betrayed by him as he did by what I had done. I know the hurt I too was cheated on by my first husband, I know how could I be put through it one way then do it onto him � I don�t have an answer for that but God was not around us, we had shut him out. With my anger it turned to self-pity � I wanted nothing more than to kill myself I could not bare the shame of what I had done. I am a strong woman but the pity was stronger. I attempted on Sunday with my hand gun I had it to my head and then visions of me being splattered all over the car for my children to see left m shattered�but I still had not come to God for peace. Monday I drove to ****** to work and I cried and I tried to pray to God yelling my self-pity of my terrible act. nothing. I left work early because I could barely stand myself pretending to be fine. I went to my car and ---- had called and he was the last person I wanted to talk to, I hung up, so I thought. I got in my car and I had been listening to Christian Radio Station and it had someone speaking, last name of Rainey is all I can remember. He was speaking of him and his wife and how they were Christians and said they lived in a Christian home but in all reality they did not. They did not pray they did not have a relationship vertically or horizontally with our Lord Jesus Christ�He continued to speak and he mentioned his wife�s name, it was ---�. and I yelled and cursed at the radio, I said �Really GOD� That is just coincidence is it not? This gentleman had mentioned the book of Ephesians chapter 5 and I had my kindle with me (don�t do this while your driving as I did) and I opened my bible on the kindle to this chapter and began reading. I ended at Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. I felt that I too needed to end my life for my children, �why should I put my children through this shame when someone sees me they will see a cheater, a liar, a whore or insert word of your choice� �if I die, I will soon be forgotten and there will be no whispers��I drove done a lonely road to an area that had a lake I was going to drive my car into the lake as my husband took my hand gun away from me. Before I decided to take the final plunge I took a walk down a trail that was there, it was so cold on Monday afternoon. I wanted to think for a moment and remember my children and ask God to guide them at that moment I heard a voice commanding me to lay down right there it was an area with leaves and dirt but I heard it �Lay down right there� I did I could not stop crying out to God why have you punished me? I knew I had punished myself because of my choices. I went to God seeking forgiveness he forgives and he commanded me to forgive myself for the choices I made. As I laid there the wind was blowing so strong and I could feel the holy spirit moving I begged for cleansing of my soul and mind he spoke �if all things are gone in this world I will yet remain� �For those who judge you they too will be judged�. I know some will say she is crazy, I have never HEARD the voice of our LORD audibly EVER I can safely say today that I have. As I lay there and felt the wind blowing it became so still that I shuddered. But the next thing I heard was �Get up and MOVE, MOVE and go tell your husband you love him�. Move my anger Move my heart and Move my marriage is all that heard on the way home that day. I do know that God moved me and he is still moving me. I know that this is only the beginning of what his plan is for me/my marriage/my family, but I do know that the beginning with God is the BEST place I can be. All things are possible through him.
Some of you might close this up and say �wow those people are c r a z y� and that is true. But I can tell you this I shared this story with you today because I know I am not perfect and I have never claimed to be. I also know that some of you to may be suffering from being separated from our Lord Jesus, or infidelity, or addiction, or whatever it is that is keeping you from having a relationship with Christ. My story MAY or MAY not touch you but if you have read this all and wondering �why did she just share all of that?� Because God put things in my life to MOVE me and I am so thankful that I heard his voice that day because my family would still be searching for me today. I will never NEVER forget his mercy he showed me and giving me the opportunity to grow in him again.
With all of these things that have happened I pray and continue to pray that ---- and I can heal, I am and will continue to grow in the Lord. I pray for all of you. And I ask for prayer from all of you and I am so thankful for Gods Mercy.


��Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
10 your kingdom come,
your will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
11 Give us today our daily bread.
12 And forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
13 And lead us not into temptation,[a]
but deliver us from the evil one.[b]�

Anytime "I'm sorry" is followed by "but", the "I'm sorry" should be skipped entirely.

I nominate for Fog Babble Hall of Fame.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Exposure makes the infidel furious

stay calm
breathe

no one can stay furious forever ... being furious is exhausting ... consumes a lot of energy ... let the furious infidel fume and exhaust his/her self

YOU stay cool

You will hear:

"That's it. We are never going to stay married after what YOU did."
"I am moving out now, thanks to you."
"You are getting OP in trouble at home."
"Now our kids will have a broken home thanks to you."

blah blah blah

You respond to all the raging comments: I am still holding out hope for our marriage.

You stay calm

You don't argue

You don't explain

You do not preach

You do not educate

~and~ you do NOT apologize for standing up for truth and marriage and keeping your family intact

YOU calmly re-state your belief that there is hope for the marriage ....

if things get out of hand ... excuse yourself and go for a walk or a drive ...

remember ... exposure makes the already foggy spouse act insane ... but it is temporary



.....



Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.


Plan A is often misunderstood as "acting nice"

excuse me acting "nice' in the face of an affair makes me want to puke

Plan A is taking control of one's self ...it is NOT "acting nice" ~as if~ there was no infidelity eating away at your family .... infidelity hurts like battery acid poured on your skin

am I right?

heII yes I am right

so you scared and panicky betrayed ~~~> SPEAK UP

tell the truth

"This affair hurts me. This affair is going to destroy our family. Let's get help."

If your spouse does something really thoughtless ... SPEAK UP.

"What you just said (did) hurts me terribly."

"I feel wounded by your affair."

"My heart aches for the love we used to share."

But be careful ... don't get needy or whiney or weepy ... those are love-busters

it's a fine line between telling the truth about what hurts ... and staying away from LB behaviors

ASK for help from the board

if you are unsure if what you are doing is correct... examine how much self control you have at any given moment ... and if you are feeling in control of yourself ... you are probably right on the money !

if you feel yourself losing control ... step away and re-group


>>>>>>


Quote:


Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

You never were a perfect spouse. You never will be.

You are part of the equation of your marriage environment .. but you have no power to cause your spouse to choose an affair

The freshly wounded often look at themselves and blame themselves for their spouse's choice to go outside the marriage....

stop

Sure, this is an opportunity to take your own inventory ... but NEVER accept blame for your spouse's choice to have an affair

The issue of not meeting the emotional needs of the adulterous spouse ~before~ the affair began is NOT a reason to choose infdelity

not ever

You are responsible for your choices, not for the choices of your spouse

relax
breathe



~~~~~~
Quote:


Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

If we experience no consequences when we mess up ... there is very little motivation for us to change our wrong behaviors that have become a habit

do the infidel a favor

do not stand inbetween them and their consequences

show respect for the infidel by allowing them to feel whatever their behaviors have earned them

be it
shame
embarrasment
fear

whatever they have earned

let it be

unpleasant consequences are what motivates changing habitual bad behaviors

let it roll

As for poly, I agree that there is alot of truth to dig, but rubbing poly on her face at this particular juncture may be too much for her. I would say, just ease off a little on it, and bring it up after a while. I was referring to the timing of demanding such, as she is terrified of how to face her colleagues at work right now.

My wifes letter she wants to send out...

My Irish Presbyterian Translation:

Hello � I am writing to all of you to share some sad, heart changing, amazing things. To begin with I don�t know who my husband ---- choose to share our struggle with an emotional affair that I was involved with off and on for 6 months. I am GUILTY of this and I have been persecuted by ---- � when I say this he chose to share the details of this with family, friends, co-workers of acquaintances and mine. By my actions he felt compelled by our God almighty to shame me into returning to him, hence saving our marriage.

My husband has caught me in sin that I really really don't want to stop. As a result, I am writing this letter to justify my actions and bring further shame on my husband, our children and myself.


I don�t know if what he did will save our marriage or put it faster into destruction � I am still at prayer for that. I have always been a believer of Christ and was on fire for the Lord for a long time. I don�t know the point that I went from having God visit me daily to me only speaking of his name and not feeling is grace but by not having God in our lives � the devil was able to enter and enter he did.

I know that it's not what enters a man's mouth that condemns him, but what proceeds out of the heart, so I will try and cloud it with fancy theological jargon to make me sound so much holier than I really am. really, I only was with OM X number of times and it wasn't my fault... The devil made me do it. By the way... I'm really mad my H exposed and want to end the marriage now because I can't have both men.

You may choose not to read anymore but what you read may change your life and maybe find your way to the Lord our Savior, our Redeemer.

Now we get to the part of the show where I distract you with making this look like a testimony. If you are as dumb as I think you are, you will forget what I just wrote about the implied threat of ending our marriage because he told everyone the truth about what i really am.


Before you read the rest of this story I want you to know I cast no blame on ---- for his actions as he felt he was at his end with me and knew of no other way to try to keep me but by shaming me. ---- and I have always appeared to be the perfect couple � we were till we slowly grew apart from one another we did not nurture and care for our marriage in a Christian manner, this is one reason why so many marriages end in divorce.

My sin of adultery really isn't that bad.. See, lots of people end up like this. We aren't the only ones. It will probably be because he shamed me that we end in divorce because i don't feel that what I did was awful enough to warrant exposure.


This is NOT an excuse but it opened a hole in my life that allowed the devil to creep in and grasp a hold of.

no, really, the devil made me do it....

My �affair� started very innocently and preceded that way for sometime, in my mind. I sought conversations with this man for the purity of not having any conflicts with him, and he would cast no opinion on me. This should have never been happening as we as a couple should have been there for one another. As it flourished I began having feelings for this other man. I fought this battle in my heart and my brain for several months, as I would stop and say �what I am doing is wrong� but then I would �miss� having that friend of mine and he too would come back and contact me. I was battling my heart and had asked ---- for a trial separation, he refused me. I thought once again I could make my heart click for him � it would not because God was not yet back in our marriage � I was shoving him away.

Instead of facing my own shortcomings, I ran after another man. He was nice to me so instead of working on what God has joined together, I thought what the heck... I can't stop the devil from making me do this, I might as well jump in the sack with OM and ask for a trial separation because there is oh-so-much biblical precedent for it. Oh.. By the way, I was still snogging OM, so the trial separation would have given me the freedom to be my good ole fashioned sinful self and not get caught


The day that ---- sent out the letter requesting prayer for my affair that I was carrying on I was away with my daughter at a swim meet. He had sought counsel on public humiliation of cheating spouses, as I have never heard of this, and I don�t believe he handled the information correctly it opened a wide gate of hell not just for me but for ---- as well. He still stands strong by what he chose and this will be one thing that I will need to heal from the shame that he placed on me for my actions. I was angry, hurt and felt betrayed by him as he did by what I had done.

Please disregard the fact that I snuck out early the night before to see OM, and that I was with him the next morning too. Oh, did I mention that I haven't read my Bible... You know that dusty book on the coffee table with my name embossed on it. The one where Paul publicly calls the church to rebuke a man sleeping with his father's wife... The one where Hosea publicly tells the story of his wife's affairs, the one where David is publicly brought to shame for his sin with Bathsheba.. I am really still angry and want to show that this affair just happened. It really wasn't my fault


I know the hurt I too was cheated on by my first husband, I know how could I be put through it one way then do it onto him � I don�t have an answer for that but God was not around us, we had shut him out.

somebody did it to me so it's ok to do it to my husband too.

With my anger it turned to self-pity � I wanted nothing more than to kill myself I could not bare the shame of what I had done. I am a strong woman but the pity was stronger. I attempted on Sunday with my hand gun I had it to my head and then visions of me being splattered all over the car for my children to see left m shattered�but I still had not come to God for peace. Monday I drove to ****** to work and I cried and I tried to pray to God yelling my self-pity of my terrible act. nothing. I left work early because I could barely stand myself pretending to be fine. I went to my car and ---- had called and he was the last person I wanted to talk to, I hung up, so I thought. I got in my car and I had been listening to Christian Radio Station and it had someone speaking, last name of Rainey is all I can remember.

I was listening to new life today with dennis rainey on the radio... God has been calling to me and I was ignoring. I was looking for a way to divert the blame for what i had done in destroying lives. So I pretended that God wasn't even there (like God could NOT be somewhere)... So I pretend to kill myself. Oh God doesn't answer me because i am a fool.

He was speaking of him and his wife and how they were Christians and said they lived in a Christian home but in all reality they did not. They did not pray they did not have a relationship vertically or horizontally with our Lord Jesus Christ�He continued to speak and he mentioned his wife�s name, it was ---�. and I yelled and cursed at the radio, I said �Really GOD� That is just coincidence is it not? This gentleman had mentioned the book of Ephesians chapter 5 and I had my kindle with me (don�t do this while your driving as I did) and I opened my bible on the kindle to this chapter and began reading. I ended at Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

So here's how far i read:
Eph 5:1-2 Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. (2) And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

I stopped just short of this one:

Eph 5:3-6 But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. (4) Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving. (5) For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. (6) Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience.


Oh I never even considered this part either:

Eph 5:22-24 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. (23) For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. (24) Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Now, I am betting no one will look this up and call me out on it, I'm betting they are too lazy...

Now I am upset because I have to submit to my own husband and not someone else's...




I felt that I too needed to end my life for my children, �why should I put my children through this shame when someone sees me they will see a cheater, a liar, a whore or insert word of your choice� �if I die, I will soon be forgotten and there will be no whispers��I drove done a lonely road to an area that had a lake I was going to drive my car into the lake as my husband took my hand gun away from me. Before I decided to take the final plunge I took a walk down a trail that was there, it was so cold on Monday afternoon. I wanted to think for a moment and remember my children and ask God to guide them at that moment I heard a voice commanding me to lay down right there it was an area with leaves and dirt but I heard it �Lay down right there� I did I could not stop crying out to God why have you punished me? I knew I had punished myself because of my choices.

Ok, so I went into the woods to concoct this little story about divine revelation. I didn't want to mess around with stuff like angels coming to me, it was God himself. Notice here that i still have no regard for my husband. It's still all me me me... Oh... and God's not punishing me... everyone else is, so if you are reading this drivel this far down, please don't condemn me either.

I went to God seeking forgiveness he forgives and he commanded me to forgive myself for the choices I made. As I laid there the wind was blowing so strong and I could feel the holy spirit moving I begged for cleansing of my soul and mind he spoke �if all things are gone in this world I will yet remain� �For those who judge you they too will be judged�.

Now I know that every time God speaks, it is infallible and inerrant. This is my THUS SAYETH THE LORD moment, and if God said it, I feel better and so should you. Even if I took that scripture out of context and twisted it... I mean how can a non adulterer judge me for falling in love with a skank because I was mad at my husband??? Oh please don't forget that I could feel the Spirit (you know... with no body) moving.... I can do that. I got it like that with God.

I know some will say she is crazy, I have never HEARD the voice of our LORD audibly EVER I can safely say today that I have. As I lay there and felt the wind blowing it became so still that I shuddered.

Please disregard the fact that I'm in the woods in October. Please disregard the fact that I still haven't taken one lick of responsibility for what I've done. I really am not crazy, but i am crafty.

But the next thing I heard was �Get up and MOVE, MOVE and go tell your husband you love him�. Move my anger Move my heart and Move my marriage is all that heard on the way home that day. I do know that God moved me and he is still moving me. I know that this is only the beginning of what his plan is for me/my marriage/my family, but I do know that the beginning with God is the BEST place I can be. All things are possible through him.
Some of you might close this up and say �wow those people are c r a z y� and that is true. But I can tell you this I shared this story with you today because I know I am not perfect and I have never claimed to be.


It was an honest mistake. I just fell into another man's bed. Honest... happens all the time. Notice there is still no talk of my Husband except for the awful things he has done in calling me out?


I also know that some of you to may be suffering from being separated from our Lord Jesus, or infidelity, or addiction, or whatever it is that is keeping you from having a relationship with Christ. My story MAY or MAY not touch you but if you have read this all and wondering �why did she just share all of that?� Because God put things in my life to MOVE me and I am so thankful that I heard his voice that day because my family would still be searching for me today. I will never NEVER forget his mercy he showed me and giving me the opportunity to grow in him again.
With all of these things that have happened I pray and continue to pray that ---- and I can heal, I am and will continue to grow in the Lord. I pray for all of you. And I ask for prayer from all of you and I am so thankful for Gods Mercy.


Please note that I have not committed to ending my affair one time in this whole letter, but Jesus saves... See how I have been brought to repentance for the awful deeds I've committed upon my family? So, I am still moving... Not necessarily towards what is right, but towards what I feel will make me happiest. I do know best after all

If your wife has so little trouble to bend the truth and to lie in ways beyond imagination, the question that comes to mind is, was she always like this? Or has the lying gotten worse/started after the affair.

If she had a problem with lying beforehand I would vote for pathological lyer after this ridiculous story to keep herself out of trouble.

Happyheart