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#2554739 10/18/11 05:12 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
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Neak Offline OP
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Joel, my first bit of advice would be not to get lost on somebody else's thread. smile

My second bit of advice is to use paragraphs. I've added a few to get you started.

Quote
IN July of 2009 my wife had gastric bypass. She was only 65lbs over her max healthy weight and wasn't a good candidate for this operation. All it did was bring her back down to what she weighed when we first got together. We got married back in March 2002.

Now in May of 2010 my wife went on a business trip and had an affair. I found out real quick and confronted her about it, to which she denied. Well she went out to Las Vegas in July of 2010 and met up with this guy again. This dude is married and is about 20 years older than her. Well by October 2010 she was telling me she wanted to split because she was so confused about everything. Telling me one day she loves me the next day she doesn�t, one day I can stand to see you the next day I can�t.

To make it worst she called me while I was on a trip visiting family in California that she was going to go out to Virginia when I got back for a friend�s birthday which I knew was a lie . The day I flew back home she called me right before my flight saying is wanted to separate. Well I finally left the House in November of 2010 and the first words out of her mouth was we need to see the marriage counselor now, I go why you don�t want to be with me I know what you are doing and the worst part is you are abandoning your kids and for what? I started dating and was enjoying the way these ladies in particular one was treating me and having a good time with her.

By January 2011 my wife was begging me for a second chance. I kept telling her I wasn�t ready you really hurt me bad, but by the middle of February I said yes, but everything is the be cut off and you will answer my questions. Stuff was going good until April when I found out the guy who was still communicating with her, sending her money, and she had a false email address. I confronted her and it stopped until the end of June 2011 and once again there was phone contact, then this past August I helped her take a test so she could go to a convention in December, while I had a gut feeling she was going to contact this guy which she did, and needless to say there was a conversation where to sum it up there was talk of an intimate encounter he was throwing out there.

I was pissed and confronted her a week later about it. First of all she already blew the trust and is trying to rebuild something she screwed up and here she keeps doing it. I am deciding whether or not I should cut my losses and divorce her. It�s not an easy choice, but when I took her back I told her everything is done that�s it you cut everything and it seems that every other month I have to say something which is too much�.

I don�t care what all these researchers say affairs don�t end in happy endings or Hollywood endings where all is ok. I am deeply hurt and am trying to side step stuff, but she wants to act like nothing happened and not face any of the issues she caused. Any thoughts of what I should do?


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Joined: Oct 2009
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Joel, there are a lot of things I'm seeing here that are very toxic for your marriage:

You both travel for work and leisure without your spouse.

Your WW had an A that was never exposed and has not ended.

You are/were dating while you are married.

These are conditions that cannot exist if your M is to survive. Both of you need to end all travel that does not include your spouse.

You need to get the name of her OM and expose the affair to everyone who can help you put pressure on them to end it. Do they work together?

Cut out the dating crap! What were you thinking?? You're a married man!! doh2

Do you have children?

Welcome to Marriage Builders.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Well Joel if you are still reading a few things

You have to make a choice - are you married or not? If you are then you don't date other people, if on the other hand you say your M is over, then its called divorce and you should go for it and then date other people.
Its not good enough to say she did it first. How does that make you different from your wife except to say she did it first? Same justification Joel. Just stop it and decide one way or another.

You indicate that there are children in this marriage in your post stating "the worst part is you are abandoning your kids and for what?" Joel how old are they? Are they yours with your wife? Does this mean you are NOT living with your wife and children right now?

All the lies and deceit are pretty much par for the course you know. Your wife has been following a pretty standard path that most WW follow. Nothing new there. The big difference is that here you can interact with people who have been or are in the middle of exactly what you are going through. And theres something a bit different here as well.

You have said
"I don�t care what all these researchers say affairs don�t end in happy endings or Hollywood endings where all is ok. I am deeply hurt and am trying to side step stuff, but she wants to act like nothing happened and not face any of the issues she caused. Any thoughts of what I should do?"

Well mate actually there are a few things you can do. Above is my opinion what you should do about dating other people.
I totally agree, affairs dont have happy endings, couldn't agree more. Affairs don't have happy endings.

But marriages can recover from affairs and they do. Mine was one.

How do they recover? they recover through hard work, a lot of pain, heaps of emotional ups and downs, but would you expect otherwise? And by following the thing that is different on this site, PLANS. I am fond of plans.

Marriages can recover by using the plans worked out by Dr Harley, its spelt out here pretty clearly. READ the info on the web site.
Ask questions and look there are no stupid questions. If you don't know ask!! but make sure you read the basics and as much other info as you can get here. There are no miracles mate and if you do not work to gather some basic info then you loose out.

Look when I first came here I thought it was a load of bunk - well a polite word for what I thought actually. But it works even sceptics like me have to admit that, surprised the heII out of me.

Sitting on the fence gives you bruising no one welcomes, get off and decide if you want to fight for your marriage or not. Either way has to better than stuck where you are now.

My opinion take it or leave it, I think you could save it from the info you have given. But thats YOUR choice.




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