This is a dramatic excuse used to avoid doing anything about her crime.


If the suicidal talk comes back again, call 911. Every time. You can handle that, right? With that plan in place, you will not need to worry about this. Either she needs help and gets it, or she's being a dramatic drama queen and discovers that this doesn't get her anywhere.

When people threaten suicide, you should call for help. Each and every time.


Shouldn't we expect that when we do something wrong, people call it wrong?

She should quit trying to pick motes out of everyone's eyes and start focusing on her beam. She has a monstrous beam, here.

The cool thing about her feeling worthless is that as long as she feels worthless, she won't have to do anything about what she did. She gets off scot free that way, and you never recover. Isn't that cool?

She will feel a lot better after she starts doing something to make the situation better. She will not feel better until she acts. So sitting around whining about how she feels does nothing except make the situation worse.

I could not agree more with this. My STBXWH posted here after the last dday and was very dramatic in expressing how angry he was at himself and even did the "I want to crawl under a rock and die" thing...

With waywards, talk is CHEAP. Actions are what matter.

Is she willing to send the NC letter? Willing to change ALL of the ways that OM can make contact (phone, email, fb, job) and commit to radical honesty and rebuilding your M?

If not, just ignore these dramatic declarations. They are basically meaningless and meant to distract you.

Careful there. The counselor will probably give her the "find yourself" and "whatever makes you happy" line that doesn't necessarily include you and only reinforces her self-centered outlook.


Struggling and feeling worthless about what? About screwing up her marriage and hurting you or just getting caught and making an [censored] of herself. There's a big difference there, and if she hasn't said otherwise, I'd bet it's the latter.


Call the police next time. Tell her enough of the childish drama. She did that to get you to back down and feel sorry for her. Plain and simple.


She cannot quite get past the "ME ME" part, can she? By chance, has she inquired how this little episode affected or is affecting you?

But all that aside, the main questions are "When was the last time she talked to OM?" and what is she going to do to make sure it never happens again?

It is good to hear, though, that you have family and friends standing by you on this. By chance did she send out that letter that she posted all over the place here?

Has said it about both. Still thinks I shouldn't have told EVERYBODY.


I was going to but she was in the car and wouldn't tell me where she was. She came back down after some talking about how she is still focusing about the exposure and not the rebuilding process like our Pastor advised us on Tuesday.



No. I have told her it was embarrassing to me too. Having people know I sat around 6mos doing nothing to stop it other than pleading with her.


Last contact (that I know of) = Monday just prior to her experience in the woods where God spoke to her. He sent one email yesterday which I explained earlier. She said she deleted without opening which I know can be then set to marked "unread". So I don't have 100% certainty she didn't reply. He did send ME a copy of her claimed last email telling him to stop contacting her as she was going to kill herself.

She did send out the letter to about 20 or so people she could verify got my exposure letter. There has been some positive responses from people (supporting her and about getting back to God and inspiring them to look at their relationship with Christ)and some have expressed concern (to me) about making sure she sees someone for depression. She is going to a Christian based therapist tmo.

I just was talking to her about FB, email and telephone and a NO CONTACT letter. She is afraid OM might do something crazy if he got a letter and she wanted to run that past our Pastor. I said "I don't care, I am not afraid of him and if I needed to I could have an army on his doorstep" I also told her she should CC: Sheriffs Dept. Not sure what your feelings are on this?

As far as FB goes I said I don't want her having one which she said "can we do one together?" as she likes staying in touch with her friends. I said if that was the case I was not going to have certain people on there. I should just stick to my guns. On Email I told her exactly what someone suggested earlier. New email and I would control old one in case any pertinent (banks etc.) stuff needed to be updated to new email that we forgot to notify. Phone - I know all passwords to online accts and everything. She claims all his #'s are blocked to all of our #'s. I said I still want to change it - safest way to protect our marriage.

DD11 then got into car and we had to stop the conversation. To stick to ML advice I still need to cover "poly" and getting in program to rebuild marriage.

What are your thoughts when she wants to do a scrap-book weekend with her girlfriends? They usually do these once a year (maybe) in different cities and they stay together 2 or 3 to a room to save $. Is that unreasonable? Or is it acceptable as long as we agree upon a plan to ensure she is where she says she is?

Or do we make it a family trip and I take kids out to explore the town/shop/swim etc. while she is scrapping?

She goes NOWHERE overnight without you. Very simple.

Mmmk

I would be shutting down facebook immediately. I would also move the computer to a room where you can sit with her while she is on it; I would make her computer time very limited for now.

MrA, I am very concerned by this question, and I'm afraid that you don't understand the gravity of the situation you're facing right now.

The LAST thing the two of you need to be considering is getting her all packed up to take off for the weekend with 'the girls'! Seriously??

A delaying tactic, probably. She wants to run the show, still, so it's up to you to either concede or insist. My FWW was like that, too, and (for a while) nitpicked a lot of things just to try to maintain control.


Good, glad you insisted on her abiding by your conditions. The Sheriff's Department could probably care less, but, what the hell, why not.


That seems reasonable. Make sure your picture is of both of you.


Good steps.

Does she have her own computer at the house? Internet access as well?

We're all pulling for you, you know.

I agree, especially if this trip is in the near future.

If it's, say, six months from now, worry about it when it gets there. You've got bigger fish to fry.

But the trip should be a joint decision where you both are happy with the result (POJA). The option for making it a family trip sounds reasonable, but that's assuming she's not some foggy wayward at the time ESPECIALLY if these friends of hers condoned or turned a blind eye to the affair.

You guys need to be spending time together, not separately. What didn't work before won't work this time around, either. Toxic friends that said nothing about her affair need not apply for inclusion in your new marriage.

Hence the question--is the trip next week or next season?

Mr. A,

FYI from observation here as well as first-hand experience false recovery. When a WS refuses/is reluctant to write an NC letter in the manner of the SAA book, it is because the WS wants to maintain/initiate contact.

AM

Nothing is planned right now but it will come up. It has always been safe to me. Its usually where she used (7hrs away)to live and either friends are always around (that wouldn't put up with it) and I always see from pictures of the weekend etc and the books they made, that it was in fact what she was doing. I am sure the "smothering" will come up when I say NO...IDK I am just projecting future issues. Will there ever be time alone? What if I want to go on a hunting trip? I am just trying to figure some of this out - cause I want it to work, but sometimes, there has to be some things done in the future that may not involve both of us doing the same thing.

Nothing planned now...just getting to far in front of myself. I will reserve this question for when the time comes.

We share a laptop. she has a work laptop that stays at her work. nothing I can do there to make us safe.

When she says you're "smothering" her, it's probably because you're making her feel guilty about something that she's either thinking about doing, trying to do, or already did. Your radar should go up if you hear that. Hope that made sense.

Since these trips are far off in the future, I'd worry about it then. What's the saying--Don't go looking for something to worry about. Something like that. Right now, she's probably too foggy to even consider a rational discussion about POJA or anything like that. But if she's serious about making this marriage work, you'll get there.

I wish she were not reading your posts, but I'd be more concerned about making sure and verifying that NC sticks and that you guys get 20+ hours a week of UA time in.

"
MA, sounds like you are doing great! I would stick to your guns and let her know the NC letter is not negotiable, so it is not relevant what your pastor thinks, but what you think.

And stick to your guns about changing her phone #. Again not negotiable.

If I were you I would not agree to the scrapbooking weekend because that will be squandering valuable time that should be devoted to your marriage. Maybe find a sitter and go somewhere for a romantic weekend instead.

The problem with being on Facebook at all is that she can still look up the OM, which will keep her foggy. It really is not worth it. If she wants to keep up with friends she can do that via email.

Yes, if you are doing the MB recovery programme there wont be enough time for her to spend a weekend away from you. Its something like 30 hours scheduled UA time for affair recovery. Plus if she has the time/money for a trip it should be with you to get those ENs met.

Be one of those crazy about each other old fashioned couples who never spent a night apart. Plus you do need this to feel safe. People who have separate trips have separate lives, drift from each other and it is too easy to hide any As which begin.




Start as you mean to go on. Make 'no overnight trips away from each other' part of the EPs she has to agree to. She needs to show from the start she is serious about being with you, making you feel safe and in spending the time with you working towards recovery. She needs to show you that you come first, before friends, before anything.

You have made an impressive, non-negotiable show of strength and I can see from some of her comments she is already showing you more respect.

So build on that and make sure the offer of staying in the marraige is a tall order. Make it a high bar that only someone genuine and repentant could jump. You dont want a false recovery.

Insist on all your requirements being met, including the poly.

Dont make the mistake of getting her to agree with 'some' things to encourage her on board and then drip feed her the rest as and when you feel shes is being agreeable.

Give her the EPs in a lump sum and insist that is what you need to stay in the marriage. Its a really important litmus test of her sincerity - and it gives her a realistic view of what she will need to do in recovery.