Mr. A, under normal circumstances when you don't have a cheating wife, I'd say it wouldn't be a problem.

But you just learned that your wife is screwing another man. This isn't the wisest thing and she is not trustworthy right now.

She should have the insight to know NOT to go and should be doing everything in her power to win you back right now.

You see, a WH is at first simply thrilled to have WW back. But after reality sets in the anger hits and it's ugly.

I am not sure I agree with everything I have read lately, maybe it is just the wording.

I wholeheartedly agree that you should tell her what the expectations are, ie, NC, NC letter, no accounts you don't have access to, etc. You have to set boundaries and conditions and have a plan if she doesn't meet them.

I don't really think you should expect her to be doing everything in her power to win you back at this point. She will be in withdrawal a while, sounds like to me for a long while. This is the time you work on the things you need to do, try to meet her needs (not lay down to her, there is a difference), and avoid lovebusters especially. She is probably not gonna allow you to meet many needs now. When/if she starts returning, I expect it will be grudgingly.

From my experience and from a lot of what I have read on here, the immediately repentant WW that dives right into reconciliation is rare, and I am not sure if she is not completely a figment of the imagination. She will likely resist with her mind for a while, but if you keep calm, keep at it, and avoid lovebusters, it may sneak around the periphery without her realizing it. But be prepared to never hear her say she is truly sorry, because it may not happen. Women are that way.

This is why it is important to stay in your home.

The next few weeks will be frustrating, heartbreaking and very tough. But they are necessary. Do everything you can to make them as short as possible. That is why NC is so vital. Any contact starts the calendar over and voids any progress, and any ground gained is too precious to lose.

I will give you some words of wisdom given me.

From BigKahuna

Herb if you see every little thing as "giving you some hope" you will be an emotional wreck soon.
You have to learn not to get your validation from her. Know who you are in Christ. Be happy.

The real vets may think I'm off base, I hope they correct me if so. But don't expect too much too soon. Just make sure to get the basics in place.

Good post, Herb.

Bingo to herb. Get the basics in place. Bring the body and the mind will follow.

I meant BH, now WH.

And kudos to herb.

I would look for 2 things in a counselor if you must take her. 1) Someone who is familiar with marriage builders and is on board with it. 2) A Christian counselor who is also familiar and on board with CCEF or Noethetics. Both these approaches work very well with MB.

These approaches are distinctly scriptural without the psychobable and will force her to confront her sin in a biblical method and reinforce MB principles. They will be a help to you in following the MB plan and not a hindrance.

You aren't off-base. Dr. Harley explicitly states that while a WH will commonly come back remorseful with hat in hand, the typical WW will not.


In those cases, the advice is clear and simple; do not judge her.

MA, sounds like you are doing great! I would stick to your guns and let her know the NC letter is not negotiable, so it is not relevant what your pastor thinks, but what you think.

ITA, The pastor's function is not to dictate every thing you do. His job is to provide spiritual guidance and oversight. This falls in the purview of you as head of your house making a decision. Stick with it.

And stick to your guns about changing her phone #. Again not negotiable.

Again, ITA... And change the password on her old email to something only you know.

cv [/quote]

ITA

Yay! Christian approaches that work well with MB. How could an approach to marriage NOT be Christian anyways?

Indeed good news CV

Yes, you should. Having a joint account is not enough to prevent a problem on FB.

Don't be so defeatist.

In this case, it's a good way to leave a massive hole.

Suggestions: keylogger or screen-sharing software on the work computer. New job. No job. Working together.

Hi, MrA. I am glad to see you online this morning. It's helpful that you let us know about your wife's other account. But I wanted to advise you from experience: from here on out, it would be best if you stay off of her thread, and post here to us. Can you do that?

Yes - I deleted. CV quoted me though. How can I get him to delete his without PM?

I would just let it go.

Meantime, can you post an update and tell us how you are doing? I have the impression you have been doing some reading.

I'm glad to see her on even if she is still very foggy. It means she is seeing the fog break up alittle. Now you work on LB's and EN's and the vets will work on her....LOL

Stick to your guns. She needs alot of work still.

She is at christian counselor now. She called on the way to town saying she has read a bunch on the forum and said I didn't do Plan A. When asked which part - she said moving out. I don't remember seeing that and I would not do that anyways. My children deserve a loving mom and dad - I am convinced of that. I shouldn't have to worry about my DD6 asking me if we are getting D. Makes me ill to think she is still worried about it.

When I found out - yes, I turned back to God with more fire than ever. I truly think that was his plan to draw me near again, and I am. I don't regret that part of what happened. No I was not a model husband and yes I fell asleep on the couch a few times a week. I always tried to be RIGHT but I realized through all this that it doesn't matter. What mattered was LOVING HER THE RIGHT WAY.

Yes I started chipping in every where I could - but that was because I enjoyed doing things that pleased her. We spent a lot of time doing activities we never had done before and it was amazing. I felt so close. Yet then it all turned around again. I couldn't bear the thought of losing my wife and that is how I stumbled upon MB. I was desperate to save my family and my marriage. I wanted it over once and for all.

She had breakfast with her old friend and she inquired to her how many people know. Her friend was honest with her and said she knows it was fwd around. That has thrown her back into not wanting to save us. She has told me several times how sorry she is for her actions and I deserve better than her. She ebbs and flows right now. She doesn't think our marriage is worth saving and then tells me she is so in love with me again. She is upset that I told a lot of people and is very worried about what everyone thinks whenever she faces them next time and for the rest of time. she says that my letter saying she had an affair made her look like she was spending nites away and ignoring her children. She never spent the nite away, except the first time they met in which I was out of town at DD15 event. She did however spend a lot of time on the phone in which DD's did notice and which did take some attention away from the family. Right now I say "who cares what THEY think, I am still here and am willing to rebuild US better than ever."

It is work I am willing to do. Protecting my marriage and getting counseling. She has to want to save us and family too though.

You wife is not showing signs of remorse for her affair, she is still blaming you and trying to find holes is the process you followed , have no doubt the affair , the exposure and the consequences are her doing.

It's about time she stopped blaming you or the advice and focused on saving the marriage.

She is a master manipulator , don't blink, don't waver and ignore her threats . The only one who decides where this marriage goes is you and it is on the terms you set.

Hang in there , this is going to get a lot rougher .

MrA. Shame is a good thing. It always amazes me how willing people are to forgive when they can look into someone's eyes and can see their shame and remorse.

She's way off track with her criticisms. Plan A does not involve you moving out! Plan A is designed to end the affair -- and it involves exposure.

I think you need to let a lot of this run off you like water off a duck's back. She is the heroin addict who just had her dealer taken away, and she is going to be a little nuts for awhile.

She will be in withdrawal, and it will suck. I encourage you to read a lot about it. Unfortunately she is likely to say or do a lot of hurtful things, and unfortunately there are not a lot of good alternatives besides the two of you being together during this time. Sometimes Dr. Harley has recommended that the couple take a vacation for a week or so ... they usually don't enjoy being with each other, but at least they get some pleasant surroundings.