Anxious,

it seems like you are shirking responsibility. there's lots of excuses tied in here... it seems you are saying that she did this or that and that's the reason you did your affair. The real reason is you have poor boundaries. Now, she has poor boundaries as well. What have you done to ensure to HER that your boundaries are tight and in place? What extraordinary precautions have you taken?

This is where everyone is going with this. The truth is, she contributed to a bad marriage. We all get that. BUT!!! Your sin was your and hers is hers.

To answer you last question... YOU hold YOURSELF responsible, and as a husband should do, hold her responsible too. Cut off her life of luxury. Make it impossible for her to FB with these men. Take the router out of the house if you have to.

CV

Wrong. I would give her the same advice. There are only 2 "legitimate" reasons for divorce (and I would argue about infidelity). Being a "deadbeat husband" isn't one of them.

The point of all this is to make you understand that the first step in recover from adultery is personal. You need to work on yourself before you can work on your wife or your marriage. SO forget your wife right now. What are YOU doing to become a Christian husband?

A4a, this is the statement that the posters here are having an issue with. It should read:

Exactly and until you can accept this there is no way we can go on to the next part of the message. The plan will not work for the betrayed who doesn't follow it themselves.

And that is why I repented and came back to the marriage. I know I was wrong. I know that I should not have succumed to temptation. The history portion of this was not to excuse my past sins (for which I am forgiven) but to give context to what is going on today. Just to simply state that we are where we werwe when I was tempted in the first place, except for the sex part which I explained earlier. Now, I know that Christ died for the church, but there is one part in Ephesians that you didn't look at... "so that satan will not tempt you" Paul recognised that we (all humans) have a lack of self control. Yes,some are better at it than others, being able to resist. I wish that I was one of them when this all happened before. I think about it almnost every day and probably will for the rest of my life. I always thought that I would never be in this position, but I am, because of what I did. Now I deal with it.

As far as marching in there and giving that ultimatum, my wife father just fell (he has parkinsons) and is in surgery, so I am going tohave to wait until that settles down a bit. But I will follow that advise. I will also have to ask her to keep her password open to me, or she could just make a new account and not friend me. Then I would never know what she is doing. Is that correct?

Can you honestly state that your affair had nothing to do with the state of your marriage? Can you state that your affair was 100% your responsibility.

Yes Christ dies for the Church. Thats not the point anyone is making. The point is that no where in the Bible can you find justification or excuses to have an affair. God clearly states that we are to love our spouses unconditionally. Anyway not because.

I really think that you need to think hard about your past affair. You can't deal with your wife's affair until you get right with your own.

Chalk it up to a poor choice of words. I was only stating the conditions in the marriage. It was not intended to be an excuse. The reasons are the same, the fault was mine... period. I sinned against her, myself and the Lord. My have expressed the same to my wife. I know I have hurt her. I know that wasn't the last time I hurt her feelings either, just not by committing adultery. I know that somehow I gave her reason to look elsewhere. I am not sure what yet, but I want to find out.

Great !! I'm glad you understand where we are coming from.




Wrong again. You gave her no excuse for having an affair in the same way she gave you no excuse to have an affair.

All that being said I do believe your wife is involved in at least emotional affairs and possibly more. The plan is the same for both. Follow the MB plan. It will give you the best chance to recover personally and as a couple. I will let other who are experts on the plan fill in more here.

Thank you for coming here instead of giving up. You are worth it. Your wife is worth it.

Thank you, I am looking forward to the help. We have been together for 22 years, I don't want to lose her.

When you argue that you succumbing to temptation is the fault of the one tempting you, then you haven't really accepted your role.

What did she do wrong? Cause temptation. What did you do wrong? Give in to temptation. What do you need to deal with first? Your sin, and yours alone.

Since we're quoting Bible, Jesus had a great parable about a beam and a mote. Do you remember it? Between an affair and withholding sex, which one do you think is a beam, and which one is a mote?

I believe you'll find that that parable of Jesus answers your question about 1 Corinthians 7.

OMG, I thought we were over this already. Yes, we had issues in our marriage, in 1 Corinthians 7:1Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry.a 2But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. 3The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4The wife�s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband�s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.

It says here very clearly that SATAN does the tempting. It is not a reference on my wife, unless you think she is satan. I admit that I succumed to the sexual temptation of satan during the time when I should have stayed faithful. Is that clear or not? I had an issue with sefl-control. Is that now clear? I am not trying to rude or mince words here. Every one seems to want me to continue making me restate my guilt. Even Jesus Christ isn't doing that. If I said something to Him about this sin, He would say "what sin"? He doesn't remember it what so ever. He has no recallection of it. In terms of my wife, I have expressed my guilt and sorrow and she expressed forgiveness. The only reason I think she even brought it up was to deflect her guilt. She knows in her heart that she is wrong, she plainly likes the attention she is getting.

This is very frustrating because you aren't being honest about this. Everyone sees it except it you. Saying you don't blame your wife after you do that very thing cannot be swept under the rug by saying it was not intended. When you pray for forgivess to God for YOUR sins, do you list the sins of your neighbor? Of course you don't. That only makes sense if you are blaming your neighbor.

I would strongly encourage to stop being so defensive and think through what we are saying. If perfect strangers on the internet can see this, I assure you that your wife can too.

But YOUR job was to resist the temptation and sin, just like you're supposed to do in every other facet of your life. You'll note that Paul never said withholding sex was the green light for the spouse to have an affair.

You're still not getting it. You didn't GIVE her anything. She CHOSE to look elsewhere. The conditions in your marriage required attention, and you both CHOSE not to address those conditions for the safety of your marriage. No one MADE anyone do anything.

I'm beginning to think you guys enjoy making people relive their guilt. It's almost sadistic. Please read what I wrote above.

You guys don't read very well, do you. When I say I sinned, I am taking responsibility for my actions. No one else caused me to do it, I did it on my own. Now, if this sadistic ritual of reinforcing guilt instead of administering Grace doesn't stop, I will get out of here.

Already pointed out a duely noted.

Grace is the posters trying to get you to understand what has happened so you can heal and grow closer to God. They could have just ignored you and not cared.

Your decision.

Truth that may be hard to face

Lies that make you feel good

I read very well, thank you. And saying you take responsibility for something while you blame someone else in the next breath is not honestly taking responsibility. You remind me of Bill Clinton when he got on TV, after wetting his whistle in the Oval Office, and wept saying "Oh Lord, forgive me for I have sinned, and damn them evil Republicans!" In other words, when a person is truly repentant, they don't cite someone elses faults.

Anyway, I just wanted to point this out to you because I think it is an impediment to your recovery. If we can all see it, your wife surely can too. You can take it or leave it.

If you are over it, that's fine. I was replying to an earlier message that you may have already dealt with, replying for the benefit of anyone who wanted to read. I hadn't read the whole thread, yet.

Like MelodyLane said, stop being so defensive.

I learned a great lesson after I came here last year: if I am defending myself, I am being defensive.