Do not talk to her about exposure any more. It sounds like you are doing pretty good about that, but I wanted to reiterate it.

If she starts saying you shouldn't have done it, just say "I love you and will do whatever it takes to rebuild our marriage together," and end the conversation.

If she rambles on about how upset she is that people know, just listen sympathetically. They are treating her so badly, and you are her loyal friend upon who's shoulder she can cry. Got that? Those people sure are meanies. But you love her and want to be with her.

She probably feels that she has to make herself feel in love with you. This is not realistic and won't work.

You might print this article and give it to her if she tells you the "I'm sorry" again:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042b_qa.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042c_qa.html

Repentance is a process. Be patient and nonjudgmental.


Have you read through Dr. Harley's guide to picking a good counselor?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7100_counselor.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8118_real.html

MrA, it's crucial that you read this article, and it's got some great information about the withdrawal stage:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

During withdrawal, she is going to be exactly what her name says notsurewhatshewants. Don't write things off just because withdrawal is tough and she acts like a crazy withdrawing addict -- that's exactly what happens.

You aren't in Plan A, you are in Plan RECOVERY. She needs to agree to the extraordinary precautions you gave her. Has she agreed to the list of EPs you gave her? I would let her know if she doesn't that this will lead to divorce. In the divorce you will ask for primary custody of the children and possession of the home so SHE will have to move out. Once you introduce the evidence of her affair and her multiple suicide threats, the court will have serious doubts about leaving the kids with her.

And please stop acting like your wife was a good mother while she had an affair. Stop feeding her fog. She risked her children's safe family with her filthy affair. Stop feeding her FOG.


She does care what others think very much and I would encourage her to earn their respect. It is not their fault they think badly of her, but hers. She has an opportunity to change that.

Please start talking reality to her and don't feed her fantasies and her fog. She desperately needs someone to speak truth to her.

Also, I am very concerned about this counselor she is visiting. If this counselor disagrees with the MB concepts, he will give her an excuse to not work on your marriage. Most counselors are destructive to marriage, so be prepared. If the counselor disagrees with the strategy you have been given here, you need to disregard it.

OK you are right. It was a christian counselor but she was 30ish and told her she needs to work on herself. My mistake. I told WW we need to work on marriage. I was more concerned that she get help for depression etc. The therapist told her to stop coming here to MB forums as it wasn't helping her mental state - you know - hearing the truth. Grrr. So what if I print off the Gift letter from True Heart that Pepper linked to?

I have not been able to get through all the demands to stay in marriage. The big one is NC letter and polygraph. And I know why. The OM has some damning evidence she doesn't want exposed. She said of her in her bra...I think it is much more. There has been a pattern of revealing just a little about the A and then it ending up to be much more than that when I find out later.

This is typical.
Most of us have experienced the same thing.
Don't worry.
Your wife is not doing anything we haven't seen before.

I think you have to know that you don't know it all yet.......waywards are great liars as well............goes with the territory, the way they can make it work without suspicion......
Just make your list of conditions and give it to her and ask her to read it and think on what she will do.
If she can't meet them ask her to move out........
Tell her it was her choice to leave the marriage so she should go.
I'm sure she will stick around here even if she only lurks and reads, she is a smart woman she can see by now the benefit of this site.......it is a loving and logical approach to a happy marriage.......
Any information you can get to read is going to help her see the light.....
Tell her you don't want to educate her you want her to decide for herself what she wants her future to look like.....
I gave my husband a time line and after that I was finished trying........and he would have to move out..........
The sooner she makes it a choice for herself and she puts the effort into it the better......
The OM has to be out of her life for the rest of her life, that is the only step that matters right now.......

When I saw MelodyLane was posting on your thread, I said a prayer of thanks to God.

When I saw she had said this, I was also thankful, because it needed to be said.

And now that I see you are listening, I am triple thankful.

MrA, most therapists and counselors do not know much about infidelity. In fact, most of them really do not know much about how to fix a bad marriage. You would be amazed at what some "Christian" counselors recommend.

Have you read Dr. Harley's plan of recovery, yet?

Every day that this ship remains rudderless, your chances for recovery lessen. Please get control of this and give her the EPs I listed out for you. Find a polygraph tester, make an appt, write out a list of questions and hand it to her. Tell her she has 2 days to come clean. Truly, MrA, you can't let this slide anymore.

Focus on establishing EPs and committing to the MB plan of recovery.

Get'er done !

Indeed. Been studying both these approaches in biblical counseling classes. CCEF is the daughter of noethetics. The more I learn about them, they better they seem to fit.

CV

Notify a moderator. They can give you my email. It's cool.

CV

It needs to be a counselor who embraces Marriage Builders. MB is the one plan we know that works. And it is Biblically based. If your counselor does not use Marriage Builders you need to find another counselor.

Wanted to add that Dr Harley does not endorse other counseling approaches and we need to stick to what we know does work.

Understood. My purpose was not to promote outside methods to Dr. H's rather to say that not all of them are contrary to MB program. That's why I (hopefully) emphasized in my first post that the counselor should be favorable (to MB). Either way though, it looks like this counselor is not any good.

No circumventing of MB was intended.

CV

MrA, praying for you tonight, and for MrsA.

And the little a's.

In the counselor's defense, she does need to work on herself, mainly by owning up to what she's done.

And it won't help her to come to MB if she's going to keep trying to justify and say that exposure is a bad idea.

If she comes here asking how she can restore her marriage, then we're more than happy to help.

The counselor has already told her not come here because our posts were upsetting her - so much for telling her to own up to it. The only ones who are telling her to own up to it are those on this board. Now she has lost that because of this counselor. So she has been discouraged from coming to the one place that was telling her the truth. It will help her to come here and listen to folks who are telling her the truth. As it is now, she is surrounded by coddlers.