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But to say that a spouse can not have an effect on their mates mental state is naive at best.  I certainly agree that a spouse's bad habits, bad choices, abhorrent behaviors and cruelty can have a very detrimental effect on any us. I know that my H's adultery caused me a lot of heartbreak and grief. I almost died from grief. Yet, I did not have an affair of my own. Why is that?
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A4A, No one here is trying to blame you for your wife's affair. That is all on HER.
What they are trying to determine is whether there was a true recovery after the first affair. They are not just going to take your word for it and being defensive isn't helping.
This is crutial in giving you accurate advice on how to proceed.
Me = BH
DDay Dec. 2010
D filed Oct 2011 (by me)
D final 3/16/12
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ANy advice would be helpful. Plan A. Click the carrot/stick link in my sig line. Best wishes.
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And that is why I repented and came back to the marriage. I know I was wrong. I know that I should not have succumed to temptation. The history portion of this was not to excuse my past sins (for which I am forgiven) but to give context to what is going on today. Just to simply state that we are where we werwe when I was tempted in the first place, except for the sex part which I explained earlier. Now, I know that Christ died for the church, but there is one part in Ephesians that you didn't look at... "so that satan will not tempt you" Paul recognised that we (all humans) have a lack of self control. Yes,some are better at it than others, being able to resist. I wish that I was one of them when this all happened before. I think about it almnost every day and probably will for the rest of my life. I always thought that I would never be in this position, but I am, because of what I did. Now I deal with it.
As far as marching in there and giving that ultimatum, my wife father just fell (he has parkinsons) and is in surgery, so I am going tohave to wait until that settles down a bit. But I will follow that advise. I will also have to ask her to keep her password open to me, or she could just make a new account and not friend me. Then I would never know what she is doing. Is that correct? Anxious, You have brought us to where I was going a bit sooner than expected, but yes, God does forgive. While God forgives, that is no promise that your wife has. Now, the trick is to not blame the temptation. it will always be there. The blame rests on you (as you have said). Satan can surely tempt, but he can't make you sin. Well, yes, that is sort of correct. I guess it depends on how much control you want to take. You can password the computer itself so she cannot sign on unless you sign her on. You can remove the router and remove access altogether. Cancel your service, etc... You can also install a keylogger on there and it will capture her conversations that you are not privy to and she will be none the wiser.
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A4A, No one here is trying to blame you for your wife's affair. That is all on HER.
What they are trying to determine is whether there was a true recovery after the first affair. They are not just going to take your word for it and being defensive isn't helping.
This is crutial in giving you accurate advice on how to proceed. And this is why I asked about what extraordinary precautions he had taken after the affair. I want to know what HE has done to reassure her it wasn't going to happen again. Well? What were they?
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Look folks, the only reason I even mentioned the past was for the sake of reference for you. I could have used a new handle and come on here and just gave you the current situation, but I thought that if you knew everything, it might help. I regret that decision at this point. I have stated that I acted on my own. My marriage was horrible and at that point, I decided to get out. I was one foot out the door when my wife decided to act to save the marriage. I agreed to work on it because she said she was willing to work on it. We did fine for a while, but recently I have discovered reasons for concern. I brought them to you so that I don't screw up trying to do this on my own. And to make sure I was not just being paranoid. This whole ordeal today has been utterly exhausting. What else do you need me to say to convince you that I have taken responsibility?
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No matter how much time your wife spent on the internet before YOUR affair was NOT HER FAULT. YOUR affair was YOUR fault, just as her affair is hers.
Now having said that, what steps did you two take to ensure that you wouldn't go through another affair in your marriage? Your wife never should have been able to have opposite sex friends in the first place.
How much UA time do the two of you spend together each week?
Click on the NEWLY BS link in my siggy and give it a read. Please answer all of the questions on that thread, here on this one. Could you also get to the other parts of my first post please? By helping YOU, we are giving you the help you NEED, not necessarily the help you thought you wanted. Trust in us to help you get through this. There are MANY waywards, who stay wayward even after the affair is over. It's like being a dry drunk. What books of DrH's have you or your wife read?
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Look folks, the only reason I even mentioned the past was for the sake of reference for you. I could have used a new handle and come on here and just gave you the current situation, but I thought that if you knew everything, it might help. I regret that decision at this point. I have stated that I acted on my own. My marriage was horrible and at that point, I decided to get out. I was one foot out the door when my wife decided to act to save the marriage. I agreed to work on it because she said she was willing to work on it. We did fine for a while, but recently I have discovered reasons for concern. I brought them to you so that I don't screw up trying to do this on my own. And to make sure I was not just being paranoid. This whole ordeal today has been utterly exhausting. What else do you need me to say to convince you that I have taken responsibility? how about what EP's you have in place? It is a starting point to begin working with your wife. Believe it or not, your history may be a HUGE contributing factor. Any affair she is/may be engaged in emotionally or physically is doubtless a revenge affair. CV
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You know what, I am probably feeling a lot of hurt right now.And due to her returning to her old ways, it's drudging up a lot of bad memories and emotions. So maybe there is some bitterness in there towards her and maybe that is why I phrased things the way I did. All I know for sure is that things are not well when my wife is flirting or has an emotional affair on line. Maybe this is my just deserts. They say you reap what you sow, so I guess it's harvest time.
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BUT, even YOUR affair gave her no right to have one of her own. See, we didn't bring it up just to punish you(which would be a DJ on YOUR part, BTW). We were making sure that you didn't use any justifications on your part for YOUR affair, and you wouldn't be down on yourself for HERS.
Isn't that quite helpful?
Stick with us, you won't regret the work you put into it. And if you think TODAY was HARD, you ain't seen nothing yet.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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You know what, I am probably feeling a lot of hurt right now.And due to her returning to her old ways, it's drudging up a lot of bad memories and emotions. So maybe there is some bitterness in there towards her and maybe that is why I phrased things the way I did. All I know for sure is that things are not well when my wife is flirting or has an emotional affair on line. Maybe this is my just deserts. They say you reap what you sow, so I guess it's harvest time. Are you here to learn about & get help implementing the MB plans?
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how about what EP's you have in place? It is a starting point to begin working with your wife. Believe it or not, your history may be a HUGE contributing factor. Any affair she is/may be engaged in emotionally or physically is doubtless a revenge affair.
CV [/quote]
I am not sure what EP's are anymore. My affair was about 5 or 6 years ago.
If she is having a revenge affair, wouldn't that be saying that I caused it? But, when we reconciled, she guarenteed me that wouldn't happen. I think it's more of a seduction than a revenge thing. She met these people online and they became friends **edit**
Last edited by MBLBanker; 10/23/11 07:33 AM. Reason: Removing non-MB reference
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how about what EP's you have in place? It is a starting point to begin working with your wife. Believe it or not, your history may be a HUGE contributing factor. Any affair she is/may be engaged in emotionally or physically is doubtless a revenge affair.
CV I am not sure what EP's are anymore. My affair was about 5 or 6 years ago. If she is having a revenge affair, wouldn't that be saying that I caused it? But, when we reconciled, she guarenteed me that wouldn't happen. I think it's more of a seduction than a revenge thing. She met these people online and they became friends **edit** [/quote] Ep's are extra ordinary precautions that you have implemented to make her feel safe. To assure her you would not backslide into another affair. A few example: 1) I will not have other women as friends 2) I will not text, chat e-mail with members of the opposite sex 3) I will account for my time while we are apart in X increments... No it doesn't say that you caused it. It says that she is still hurt and wants to hurt you back. Hence revenge. She is willingly doing this...
Last edited by MBLBanker; 10/23/11 07:30 AM.
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Are you here to learn about & get help implementing the MB plans? [/quote]
I would imagine so since that is what helped her get through to me. My first need was for confirmation of my suspicions. That has already taken place. Someone has given me the first step of approaching her directly and insisting on the deletion of her account. I will try that, but short of having her password, there is no gaurentee that she won't initiate contact again. This time with me blocked so I can't see what's going on. I guess I will see how it goes.
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I will try that, but short of having her password, there is no gaurentee that she won't initiate contact again. This time with me blocked so I can't see what's going on. I guess I will see how it goes. Put a keylogger on her computer and spyware on her phone.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Put a hidden GPS on her vehicle.
Click/read the carrot/stick link in my sig line.
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how about what EP's you have in place? It is a starting point to begin working with your wife. Believe it or not, your history may be a HUGE contributing factor. Any affair she is/may be engaged in emotionally or physically is doubtless a revenge affair.
CV I am not sure what EP's are anymore. My affair was about 5 or 6 years ago. If she is having a revenge affair, wouldn't that be saying that I caused it? But, when we reconciled, she guarenteed me that wouldn't happen. I think it's more of a seduction than a revenge thing. She met these people online and they became friends, oddly enough through sites like "free believers" and such. Ep's are extra ordinary precautions that you have implemented to make her feel safe. To assure her you would not backslide into another affair. A few example: 1) I will not have other women as friends 2) I will not text, chat e-mail with members of the opposite sex 3) I will account for my time while we are apart in X increments... No it doesn't say that you caused it. It says that she is still hurt and wants to hurt you back. Hence revenge. She is willingly doing this... [/quote] She has complete and unfettered access to my accounts, I can account for every second if she asks, there is only one friend I have from before we were even married and I show my wife everything I write to her or that she writes to me. She knows for sure nothing is going on. If she expressed even the slightest reservation about it, I wouldn't hesitate to stop any contact at all. The only contact we have now is about every 6 months just to see how each other is doing. So the answer would be yes, I have EP's in place even though she has never asked me to put them in place. I took care of that on my own.
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As soon as I get paid, I will buy the software needed to track her. Thank you for your input. I will stay in touch.
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BUT, she should have had EPs in place as well. EPs are to PROTECT YOUR MARRIAGE.
Have you read any of DrH's books?
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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My marriage was horrible and at that point, I decided to get out. I was one foot out the door when my wife decided to act to save the marriage. Statements like this are the ones that make us question your own affair. This statement would not have been made by someone correctly recovered from their own affair. I know you want to deal with your wife's affair but in reality you have a lot of work to do on your own affair first.
BH: 46
FWW: 44
3 DD: 20,17,11
Married 24 years
PA/EA: 5/08
DDay: 6/08
NC: 8/08
Previous EA 1998 confessed 8/08
In Recovery
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