I have posted on divorce/divorcing a number of years ago, unfortunately I could not save my marriage. However I did meet someone afterwards, and we dated for nearly 5 years. I have a 9-year-old and he has never been married.

It's been a long time, we did talk about marriage several times before but it always ended up in argument. Initially he wanted to marry but I was not ready yet. In recent years I became ready but he started to find excuses (?) to drag the whole thing.

He says that having to sell two houses is a big issue. He has no intention to move into my house as it will be too long a commute to his work and also because he is an architect, and he has particular 'preferences' when it comes to choosing a place to live and also a type of house.

To be honest, I need to consider my work and also my son's school, and this is the house he was born, of course we are very attached to this house, but I have told my BF numerous times that "the address is not important, that we are being together is the most important thing. And I am willing to move to a place where he feels happy".

Still he feels it is going to be hard, as I have lots of support here, and we have lots of stuff in the house. But I cannot put up the house for sale if he has not even proposed to me or ever said that he "loves me".

Since it is not going anywhere, I suggested that we take a break. That was about a month and half ago. We still talked sometimes and emailed each other, but we were no longer calling and emailing each other every day. We also met twice during this time, once with my son and once alone.

Then I got a bit upset - I went to see him in the evening on Sunday two weeks ago, and by the time I left his house it was pretty late. He did not call me that night to make sure I got home safely, and I was secretly hurt. Even though we are on a 'break', I thought he would have called.

It was not till Wednesday I heard from him. He emailed me about something (general topic, nothing to do with 'us') to which I replied in an usual nice friendly manner, but at the end of the email I said "I thought you would have called me last Sunday to make sure I got home okay", to which he said "My bad, I lost track of time". But he had Monday and Tuesday...., he obviously was not concerned of me.

So I said something like "I figured you do not love me or want to be with me", to which he did not respond.

He is very stubborn, he would never call or email me unless I initiate. I always called or emailed me first whenever we had any argument in the past too.

Do you think I should contact him? Sigh.

If this is the same guy who would disappear to play golf every weekend, you were totally incompatible. I'd say good riddance and no, do not contact him again.

He never said "ILY" in your 5 years together??

AGG

He clearly is not really interested in you, at least not in a way that bodes well for marriage. Leave him be and get on with your life.

I agree with the others. He's just not that into you. You deserve better. Now you're free to find someone who will really love you.

100% NO !!!

This is a sour relationship and it has remained sour despite your best efforts.

Cut bait.
Pull anchor.
Fish another spot.

What Pep said............

I agree with the others. If two people love each other, they declare it. They don't come up with excuses to not be together, they brainstorm ways TO BE TOGETHER. They care about each other and need to know the other made it home safely.

I think you already know the answer, you may not want to know, but it's there inside of you...you just need to do the right thing for you and DO NOT CONTACT HIM! Let him go. You have invested five years of your life with someone that is not the one. Time to enjoy today with your son...you don't need a man in your life, but freeing yourself up from this person may just pave the way for someone right for you to enter your life at some point.

Wow, you guys are GOOD, you remember my story...!!! I was really impressed by your memory but more importantly, was touched as I feel like you guys are long-known friends

I could not see any of your replies till now, and I did contact him on Sunday as I had to ask him about something he did to my humidifier. He was helpful, asked me to call him back to let him know if I would need anything else, etc.

I know he loves me in his own way, but as all of you have pointed out, he does not love me the way I would like or he does not love me 'that much'. I have asked him that hearing from him that he 'loves me' is important to me, but he has always said "in my opinion, saying is not important, showing love in action is more important". I know what he means but still wanted to hear every once in a while, but he never said it.

I think I have shown him in my own way that I was willing to compromise - I played golf with him, signed my son up for golf lessons, did not ask him to come ski with us, I almost always let him pick the vacation spots (as all the places I picked he never liked), chose dishes he could eat whenever we went out as he has so many dishes he does not like but still always wanted to share (which means I had to pick things he could eat, not what I wanted to eat). Yet he always told me that he did not feel I was excited about him. He said he could tell I would do anything for my son but I would not be like that for him. I have explained to him that my son is still young and needs to be taken care of, there is no comparison.

I asked him if there is anything 'positive' about me since he was complaining about us so much. He said that I am beautiful, smart, succesful, great mother, great cook, sexy, great in bed, nice, atheletic, looks young, and so on. Then he said "but these are nothing to do with me". He thinks I play golf FOR him, not because I enjoy it truly. I told him I actually do enjoy when I am out there playing with him (even though I do not need or want to play every single weekend), but he starts yelling often when I am taking my time. Then I gave him an example when we went on vacation, we were at this beautiful course, and we (including my son) were enjoying ourselves. We were ahead of time, so we did not need to be in hurry, but just because the group of people behind us were faster and catching up, my BF got very irritated and started to yell at us "just go!". I got upset, and at that time I stopped playing.

I told him that there was no need for him to yell (he yells easily), especially we were ahead of time and were not holding other people up. He said "yeah, that was my fault, I did not realize we were ahead of time", although at that time I did point that out but he never said sorry or anything at that time. Then he went on to say "but by now you should know that I yell, but it does not mean I am angry, it is just the way I am".

I am still attached to him, I guess it is only natural because we spent nearly 5 years together. Weird..... He is very stubborn and proud, I know he will not apologize or say that he loves me even if he feels bad about certain things he did in the past, because he does not believe in 'changing', I should accept him for who he is. Maybe that's true too, I get confused sometimes.

Thanks for all of your inputs and really, for listening to me!!!! You guys rock!

Of course you're attached to him, but that doesn't mean it's a good relationship for you or that you ought to be. I repeat, you should have no more contact with him. Of course you'll do what you want, so I won't bother saying it again, but this one last time...he is not right for you and you are not right for him...otherwise, it would have gone different. This man does not have a lot to offer you emotionally and you would not only be "settling" if you gave him another chance, but you would live to regret it...probably sooner rather than later. Your son would suffer because of it too.

He doesn't think he can do both? It's not an either/or issue.

I saw some other things I was going to quote, but I'll just leave it at this: I agree with the other posters. Time for you to give other guys a shot at your fabulous self.

You deserve better.

This man is a used car sold 'as is'.
The car has idiosyncrasies that make riding in it very uncomfortable and unpleasant for you.
If you are holding on for 5 years because you hope that some day this 'as is' car will improve, you are wasting your time.
Once you've past the 5 year mark (actually, the 2 year mark) you do know if this is the vehicle for you.
It's not.
But you keep hoping it will be one day.

The part that bothers me the most is the following:


Please, do not MARRY a man with whom you cannot POJA.
The multiple sacrifices you make are a that you will eventually feel very resentful within this relationship. (you call it "compromise", but in fact, you are sacrificing your own happiness for his)

I am NOT saying he is not a nice man.
I am saying that this man is not right for you.
I am also saying you have fallen into a trap of your own making.

Your "giver" has been running the show.
Making sacrifice after sacrifice in order to please this man.
Have you learned from MB how sacrificing will result in an incompatible and unhappy lifestyle?

If you date him further, stop making any sacrifice and attempt to POJA.
You make decisions that affect both of you (like a restaurant, recreational activity, etc) based on mutual enthusiasm.

If YOU are not really and truly enthusiastic about the decision, guess what?

YOU are ruining the relationship with dishonesty !!!

Guess what?


He's right!!!
You are not enthusiastic about him.
You want him to be different.

Nice to see you back on MB.

I suggest that you .... READ THIS THREAD .

Pay particular attention to the POJA part of the discussion.

Milkshake,

Spend some time reading at www.baggagereclaim.com. I think it will help you realize this guy is not for you and you need to go no contact with him. He is emotionally unavailable and quite selfish. He wants your world to revolve around him.

Thanks KayC and maritalbliss...

I admit it, I am very weak. I tend to cling, I know it sounds pathetic but I do. Maybe because I do not have family in this country. I am very afraid of being alone. And this is not to say that I feel I will not be able to find someone else anymore. I am afraid of breaking something I/we have, especially if it�s something my son and I are accustomed to; because it is like my �family� in this country and giving it up requires significant courage on my part.

I am scared of starting over. I doubt that I can find someone I would fall in love with again, because it is extremely difficult for me to fall in love, it takes a very long time for me to �develop� love�., I rarely just instantly fell in love in the past. Typically guys asked me out, I would date, dates became relationships and then gradually I fell in love with them. Often I felt there was a timing mismatch, as they were really in love with me earlier on when I was not, and later on I became attached to them but by then they were not that much into me anymore.

BF and I have invested nearly 5 years in our relationship � really, do I want to throw that away? At the same time, I know the downside risk of it. BF did not want to break up with me but has many concerns when it comes to marriage. If I contact him and we start talking and meeting again�., we will just continue what we had, and will not live together or marry. Can I really live with it? Some days I feel yes I can, some days I feel, wow, it will be very painful.

I know all of you share the same view: BF and I are not compatible and we are not good together. But I keep coming back to the idea - no one is perfect, we obviously like each other and attracted to each other, why can't we make it work?

He never really had LT relationships before, I believe the longest prior to ours was just 2 years or so. I know I should not be wasting my time analyzing him, but the fact he has never been married before and did not really have many long-term relationships, nor living with someone together, maybe he is afraid of the life-changing commitment, as anyone in his shoe might be? Maybe he needs to be convinced that we have a good thing going on here?

I almost know though what you guys will say about above, as that is something I would say to my friends if they are in my situation. I understand in my head, it is another story when it comes to your heart.

But honestly � IF there is a way to make this work, from that standpoint � what would YOU do? Thanks for your wise inputs, I REALLY appreciate it!

Do not marry him under any circumstances.
Do not live with him under any circumstances.
If you continue to date him, you must accept his behavior 'as is' and not hope for anything better.
No complaining once you accept him 'as is'.

Sounds dismal to me.
But, I am not you.

How's that working so far?

Oh,I didn't realize your responses, thanks Pepperband and Brits_Brat.

Wow, I just read your recommended thread on POJA. It's so powerful. It's interesting as my BF said "good relationships should come more naturally if we feel that we are making efforts, then that's wrong", but it clearly says "you need to make mutual efforts to have a wonderful relationship". I did tell him at that time even though I did not know about this POJA - that every successful marriage/relationship takes efforts; people do make efforts they do not just come naturally or effortlessly. He actually agreed with me despite what he had said earlier.

Brits_Brat, I could not open up your link, it's being blocked here at work - I will check it out later at home.

I know you guys make total sense. I, despite all the whining above, know that. It's the weak part of my heart comes and whispers I need to talk to him....

Ah...................not well

Believe it or not, this made me LOL

Lemme tell you about my past.
I dated one BF for 14 years ( FOURTEEN !!! ) before I dated my H.
I did my very best "audition" so that BF would want to marry me.
I waited.
I auditioned some more.
I tried to fix him.
I tried to fix myself.
I waited some more years.
In the 14th year, he came over to where I was living.
Sad-puppy face. Sighing deep sighs. Pensive.
He pulled out his 3 carat diamond ring his granny had left him.
He says to me:

"I've been carrying this around for a week trying to ask you to marry me. Something is stopping me from asking. I just can't."

I heard the door close (FINALLY) on my expectations and my hopes and my constant auditioning for that relationship.

After FOURTEEN FREAKING YEARS .... he still said "I just can't".



It was a freaking RELIEF!
I was not sad.
I was not angry.
I was just DONE.
It was such a relief.

We spent a pleasant few hours together.
When he was leaving, I told him it was "over". I was "finished". Not to call me.
I was no longer interested in a relationship with him.

In other words, I said a final "Good-bye".

And the rest is history.

I've been married 30 years to my H, BTW.

Again, Pepperband, you have way too many powerful stories.....

I felt that I wasted my time trying to repair my marriage (even though I am glad I have grown as a person as a result) with my XH, and then now I feel I had wasted another 5 years. This is so depressing.