WW has told me that she shouldn't be married (to me or any othe man). My hesitation with being heavy handed with WW as you are suggesting is due in part to that and she doesn't react well when cornered. My "fear" is if I push too hard too fast she will react by leaving me (not for OM, just to get away from me). I did tell WW the other night that I would not be letting her get between me and my kids. That the idea of us being friends after the separation was not going to happen and that I would not be waiting for her to take the next decade to find herself. My plan was to not drop everything on her at once in one load to avoid her from fleeing immediately.

Jennifer advised against contacting the OMW but that seems to be passing on a good opportunity to make some strides toward breaking up the affair. I know how you all feel.

But you have to expose the affair to the OMW. Did you call the OMW? Not contacting other women does not apply to exposing the affair to the OMW.

I am certain this is a misunderstanding on your part. Exposure to the other BS is essential and has to be done. Please read this article by Dr Harley. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2266646#Post2266646

If you are unclear about that part, you can email Dr Harley, the founder of Marriage Builders, at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

SS, exposure is the most potent weapon you have against the affair. This is what Dr Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders, says about it. In fact, Dr Harley has said repeatedly that "it is hard to save a marriage when you become an enabler" [by not exposing]:


Radio clip of Dr Harley telling a man who hid his wife's affair that it is hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler [THIS MAN HAD NEVER EXPOSED THE AFFAIR AND HIS WIFE WAS LEAVING HIM]: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2815

Another radio clip to BTInTrouble where Dr Harley told him to "expose the heck of this affair!" BT listened to him and he killed his wife's affair THAT DAY! http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2850

Are you sure you heard this right?

What Jennifer said at the time about not contacting OMW didn't make sense to me after I thought about it more. It was contrary to what I had read and what has been repeated here on the forum. I can only assume that there was a misunderstanding. I will be making contact with OMW to either expose or at the very least compare notes.

SS, just read your thread through, and after nine pages worth it just begs the question "What exactly have you done so far to terminate your wife's affair?"

I see lots of postulating and almost no action at all. Your going to have to shed the fear and take the actions that Mel has recommended instead of talking about how you agree with what's being said and how wonderful everyone is. Someone already said that your inaction could be perceived as disinterest in saving your marriage by your WW - that observation is spot on.

Stop talking about exposing to OMW and do it. Stop talking about demanding your wife not disrespect you by continuing contact with the OM while in your home. She threatens to leave? Tell her that you want to work on making a better marriage but can't do that while she is in contact with OM, she wants to contiunue the affair, she can move out. You need to make sure that she cannot financially compromise your family. You should have done this already, but if you haven't do it NOW. It can get pretty expensive for you with a WW who wants to finance her fantasy and start making trips to see POSOM.

Most importantly, you need to stop believing anything your WW tells you about what she is doing or what she wants, it's all fog babble. Cheating women often try to justify what they're doing by concocting this fantasy divorce where no one is hurt and everyone is such great friends when all is said and done. It's only when you blow that fantasy up that they start to realize the gravity of what they're doing and start seeing things for what they really are.

Out of curiosity, and since no one else asked, how and why did your wife's first marriage end?

I have moved all of our "joint" money to a different account that WW does not have access to. I have messaged OMW on FB to discuss what is really going on. I am guilty of not acting on the other parts as forcefully as I should.

I have a question on exposure. WW has an unofficial job offer. Should I expose at work? I work at the same place. I was thinking that it would be seen as career sabotage or a threat. Thoughts?

You should only expose at work if they work together or if her employer is in a position to influence her to leave OM. Neither seems to apply here. Your actions would appear to be revenge-driven.

I would only expose at work if the OM works there too. A good exposure target would be the OM's parents and family members. Can you find his facebook page?

Also, how has this affair been exposed to your wife's family? What were they told and who told them? Will they apply pressure on your wife?

And you should DEMAND that she end her affair. I see that I already told you all this and wonder if you have done any of it?

om the new book by Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:

"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."

SS,

Seriously, you are completely clueless on the power of growing a pair and drawing a boundary. YOU are responsible for how you let others treat you.

Do you not understand that you have all the power right now? You�re the bread winner. You pay the bills. She has no way of negotiating anything if you grow a pair and stand up for yourself.

We already told you that she would go ballistic when you finally man up and expose and draw your boundaries on her affair. We�ve told you this. It�s coming. Expect it. But you still stay paralyzed in fear.

You are on the path to divorce and it is happening because you are letting it happen.

Read other men�s threads on here. Look at how much the dilly dallied like you and feared exposure and action.

My WXW was exactly like yours. I had the same exact fears you do. Looking back I regret not drawing boundaries the most. I regret acting like you�re acting because I feel ashamed as a man that I didn�t draw my boundaries. Might I have ended up divorced? Who knows. Probably. But looking back and seeing how much of a doormat I was that I most regret.

Have you no self respect?

Man up and quit being afraid. I told you what you need to do. YOUR WIFE IS F***ING ANOTHER MAN AND YOU�RE AFRAID OF HER!

Think about it. Who should be afraid of who?

Wake up and take action. All you�re doing right now is enabling and allowing this to continue.

YOUR WIFE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR! Ok. Can you get that through your head and understand that she�s disrespecting you in the worst form imaginable? She�s spitting in your face and you�re taking it with a smile because you�re afraid that reacting will lead to her leaving.

Her screwing another man will lead to her leaving. You stating that you won�t tolerate an affair is not going to lead to the failure of your marriage. What it will do is give her a reason to respect you. Right now she has no respect for you and she never will if you continue to cower in fear. Seriously, you may as well set up her dates and bring the lovers water when they�re doing screwing, because that is basically what you�re doing right now.

This post isn�t given to you in anger. I�m saying this as a man who wants to wake you up and who understands exactly how you feel!

SS....

I agree with HTLD. My reluctancy to expose has been my biggest regret. If you want to save your marriage...kill the one thing that is stopping that. Exposure is the Chemotherapy for the cancer known as affairs.

So what if she gets mad....YOU SHOULD BE MAD....I know I was more than mad, I had Rage.

Be the man you want to be, not the man your wife has turned you into...

Expose NOW. Every minute you wait, gives her and the affair more power over you.

I let the hammer fall and was able to get the WW to agree to NC with OM. Very surprised that WW agreed to that. I of course will need to verify monitor that this actually happens but I thought that was a pretty big step. I made a few demands and NC with OM was not one of the ones WW took issue with. This makes me think that this NC is probably temporary and I should not put too much weight in this gesture. In the mean time, WW is still at the house and let's assume for argument that she is NC the OM. Aside from continuing plan A, is there anything I should be focusing on with WW? I know to expect a withdrawal period where she is going to be pretty nasty around. Do I just keep plan A going, do I give her some space?

As far as exposure goes, I am not sure who else I can speak to that would have influence on her. I have exposed to my parents, my sister, both of her parents, and I have talked with three of her close friends (WW exposed to them herself). This was all done back in August right after D-Day. Exposure didn't really seem to affect the A at all. I know that many As die out after a while, I would rather not wait for that to maybe happen. I am going to continue to paint an ugly future for the two of us should the A ever re-ignite. I guess what I am asking is what next?

Did you expose to the OM's wife? That is the most important exposure, of course.

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Have all of these people spoken to your wife and tried to persuade her to end her affair?

I have messaged the OMW on FB but have not heard back directly. There is no land line at OMW house so the white pages search came up empty. To answer your question, no I have not succeeded yet in exposing to OMW. I have a name and the state that I think OMW lives in, not much else. Any suggestions?

I have asked all of the people I have exposed the A to try and influence WW to end the A. The people who have talked with WW have all come up empty. WW has never reacted well to people telling her how to think or feel.

I would keep trying until you get her, even if you have to hire a PI. This will likely be the final death of the affair. You need the OMW watching out from her end. As long as she doesn't know, your wife is free to contact the OM. Does the OMW have a business name on her facebook page?

What about her friends and family? Can you message them and ask them to have her call you? That is how sunnyDinTx killed her husbands affair. She contacted the OWH's brother and SIL and they called her personally. The affair ended that day.

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But I bet she does not react well to people telling her how disappointed they are, does she? And that is what she desperately needs to hear. The point is NOT to tell her what she WANTS TO HEAR, but what she needs to hear. Does she know that all these folks KNOW about her affair?

I will see if I can find some relatives of OMW and go that route, thanks for the suggestion.

I am going to talk with my FIL again to get him to let WW know how disapointed he is. I feel that he has the most influence on WW of any of us. I think you are right about WW not reacting well to things she needs to hear.

Good job, SS! You are a real trooper. I think if you can just get in touch with the OM's wife, this will end and you can truly ensure no contact. He is not going to ruin his marriage over something like this.

p.s. I can't tell you the times we have heard from former wayward wives on this board that they were afraid to contact the OM because they knew his wife was watching. The OM will also be much less likely to contact your wife again if he knows that you are watching and that you will contact HIS WIFE.

I would pledge to stay in contact with the OMW until you know contact is really ended. You should each inform the other when you know there has been contact. And I would not do that via email because your wife can delete those emails. Do it through phone calls or work email.