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Yes, I understand that it's all new to her.

I only wrote the EP's that are "to-do" EP's - things still requiring some action on my part. Ones that requires consistent action or nonaction are standing EP's that I won't comment on unless I need help with how to accomplish them or need to enhance/adjust them. My full list of 27 EP's is earlier in the thread. I am adding the call-from-work thing until I can get a car GPS that will solve the "wondering where i could be when I'm not in her presence" issues.

Schlag #2559448 10/31/11 11:12 AM
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I told Amy that I am going to install a hard-wired GPS tracker on my car. When the car is on, they are on. They track everywhere you go, where you stop, and how long you stopped. They have live online viewing of the car's location and they compile reports of every movement the car has made so you can look back.

They generally have some hardware and installation cost of $200-400 and then a monitoring fee monthly of $30-50. My canceled gym membership almost pays for it.

I can't give her 100% certainty on anything, but always knowing where my car is would be a pretty big warm fuzzy. She would DEFINITELY know I wasn't going to any internet cafes or library. I certainly don't have time to walk anywhere like that and I'm always with her or the kids when I'm not at work.

It would also address the leaving-at-night issue. If my car is GPS tracked and the van is in the garage, she would know I'm not taking a car anywhere.

I'm going to install one of these as soon as we have the money.

http://www.liveviewgps.com/live+gps+vehicle+tracking+rtv5.html

http://www.spytechs.com/gps/fleet-tracker.htm

http://www.brickhousesecurity.com/gps-gsm-tracker.html

Schlag #2559461 10/31/11 11:51 AM
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Schlag Offline OP
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Oh yeah, I am coordinating with Joyce Harley to call in to MB radio. She has me penciled in for this wednesday the 2nd.

Schlag #2559467 10/31/11 12:10 PM
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I am looking into the counseling from Steve Harvey, but I think I'll see what Dr. Harvey and Joyce say on wednesday. Right now Amy and I are going to weekly therapy with a very good counselor, and are each doing individual sessions - her once and me twice a week.

Amy isn't in a place right now where she is prepared to give me another chance. She's heard it all before. Except for the truth about my affairs - the real D-Day. We spend all our time talking about the affairs, she asks details and goes over and over all the things I've done to her and ways I've been a bad husband to her over the years. But she is participating in my EPs when I bring them to her.

She is concentrating on getting her head straight after spending so many years being lied to by me. "Getting away from the crazy" her therapist calls it.

I'm concentrating on putting EP's into place, following the advice of the articles here and the people in the threads, while at the same time being there for her and helping her in every way I can. At the same time I am trying to get healthy and work through whatever issues have caused me to reject her love for me and push her away and trample on her for so many years. I want to be a new man and I know everybody says forget therapy and just do the work, but I have a hard time believing it's that simple. Something in me has such a hard time accepting and expressing love and emotion that I need to explore why that is. I can't heal my marriage when I am numb.

Schlag #2559487 10/31/11 12:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Schlag
Hey guys,
12. I will figure out how to be accountable on my work computer or get a job where I can. AS SOON AS I FINISH THIS POST I WILL BE CALLING TO FIGURE OUT WHETHER THEY CAN UNINSTALL IE ON MY WORK COMPUTER (I DO NOT HAVE ADMIN ACCESS TO UNINSTALL OR INSTALL PROGRAMS) - I FIGURED OUT HOW TO LOG ON TO WORK EMAIL FROM HOME USING A CAC READER AND DEMONSTRATED THIS TO AMY AND OFFERED TO LOG IN TO MY WORK EMAIL ANY TIME SHE WANTED.

Since you have a clearance and use a CAC, I'm going to assume you work somewhere in DoD? If so, I find it very alarming to give unauthorized access to someone even if that access is Unclassified/FOUO.


BH (Me)-30
FWW (BostonLover)-29
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D-Day 14&16 Feb, 2011
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looking forward to hearing you on the radio. my H and i were on back to back in may.

I would schedule a session with jennifer or steve. It was the best money ever spent, the first call was pricessless.

we then continued for a bit with jennifer. It was the best move i made. I called alone first, then told H and that i would like it if he would give it a shot, so he called and then had a private call with jennifer- that opened his eyes to some things.

I also hear very good things about steve.

we are also seeing someone else but having both jumped started everything. I hope your person is on board with MB- it helps.


Me 44- yes ugggh
WH 47
together 26 years M 19
serial cheater big time
DD1 2.24.11
NC letter sent 3/7/11
NC letter to OW2 april
final truths 5/8-- all of them poly confirmed 5/18
working the plan

Schlag #2559546 10/31/11 04:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Schlag
4. I will install (or you can) software on the home computer so that everything I do is transparent. I will return the work laptop to the office permanently and buy one for you to use that you can password protect or install monitoring.[RIGHT NOW SHE JUST CONTROLS ACCESS TO THE LAPTOP. MY DESKTOP IS PASSWORD PROTECTED AND I ONLY USE IT IN HER PRESENCE. PURSUING KEYLOGGER SOLUTION SO SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO SIT THERE, THOUGH I ACTUALLY QUITE ENJOY HAVING HER THERE TO TALK TO.]

I don't understand why you would think offering your BW "transparency" on the computer is an EP? She has expressed that that isn't enough to make her comfortable and I don't blame her. Not one bit.

Given that six or so of your affairs started online (using email, friend finder, FB etc), you should just give up the internet, period. As I told you, Dr Harley says you need to look at the conditions that made your affair (for you six affairs) possible and ELIMINATE those conditions, period. If you have access to the internet at work, I am sorry, most likely you will have to get a job with no internet access. My guess is that Dr Harley will tell you this too based on what he told me for my STBX after I discovered his third affair.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
SusieQ #2559589 10/31/11 06:09 PM
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You also need to let her change that password on the desktop computer so she is the one who can log you in or out. It is okay that she is there watching you if that is okay WITH HER.

This issue should be POJA'd.

She should enthusiastically agree to your internet use - not just be "okay" with it. If she wants you to be on MB, then she would likely be enthusiastic about that usage. She may want you to do this posting, but nothing else.

Either way, your internet usage should be pared WAY DOWN, if not eliminated.

And the desktop password should be known only to your wife. You shouldn't have a clue. Sorry, but you have issues with affairs online, and your wife should NOT trust you.

You shouldn't trust yourself, frankly.


You don't quite get it, yet.


I do like that you are installing the key logger, tho. Your wife can at least see if you are cheating on the internet usage, what you are doing, etc., and she can keep tabs on what is happening - both incoming and outgoing.


You will understand, however, your wife won't trust you for a very very very long time, if she ever does. And she shouldn't.

SB


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Bump....

I want to come back and read the entire thread.


Me (BH): 42
Her (WS): 39
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DD: 16, DD: 11, DD: 7
D-Day: 7-5-2011, Caught searching 10-15-2012
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Maybe I wasn't clear - Amy is the only one with the password to my computer.

But as of last night, she no longer cares about EP's.

Schlag #2559844 11/01/11 01:27 PM
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What happened last night?


Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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She asked about a detail in my affair - if I touched the OW in a certain way, and it triggered a memory that I relayed to her... but I used poor wording and wasn't clear about it at all. She took it as a much more intimate, loving thing than it really was. It was similar to the way that I touch my wife and it was very hurtful for her. I spent probably 4 hours last night trying to explain why it wasn't the same.

I spent all day one day last week writing out every detail I could remember and gave her a 5 page single spaced document. But there are things that I just don't remember. I'm trying to give her the details when she asks about specific things, and sometimes it comes out the wrong way.

Basically, she is convinced that I loved the OW and I didn't.

Schlag #2559850 11/01/11 01:47 PM
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Ok, well there are some here that would say that they did love the OW and are still recovering.

She is hurting, you will have to understand that. Dont give up just becuase she is hurting. You did this to her, you need to work hard to fix it.

You are the only one that can fix it. Keep sending love her way and keep making cracks in the wall she has up right now to protect herself.


Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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I definitely didn't. There was no withdrawal for me when I ended it with her after the "fake recovery" D-Day in 9/2009.

I just am totally horrified that not only is she hurting from what I did to her, she's hurting the worst because she thinks I loved this woman. And it is making her want to decide in a final way about filing Dissolution, and cutting off any dialogue.

Schlag #2559893 11/01/11 04:56 PM
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Regarding the email issue:

I cannot allow anyone access to my work email. Period. I can't even allow coworkers to read my emails. I have a privacy screen on my computer at work so anyone who might enter my workspace is unable to read what might be on my screen.

Still, some idiot has managed to break into my computer THREE TIMES.

One idiot actually stole the computer right off of my desk. Seriously now. Do you really want to know what I have to say that much? Come talk to me. I will give you a piece of my mind.

It is really beginning to pi$$ me off.


And you guys wonder why I have to disappear every now and then. I guess I just explained that.



Today, it took 15 minutes to load my dad gum settings.


So if I am gone for awhile, you all will please understand.



Schlag, please be very careful with allowing your wife access to your work computer.

My headaches are actually from INTERNAL sources, if you can believe this.


Seriously.


Threadjack over.

SB



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Originally Posted by schoolbus
My headaches are actually from INTERNAL sources, if you can believe this.

A "virtual PC" VM on a USB drive is a possible answer. When you leave, you can take your "computer" with you, and it's much easier to hide than a PC or a laptop smile. I used to use one for my most confidential stuff.


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Originally Posted by schoolbus
Regarding the email issue:

I cannot allow anyone access to my work email. Period. I can't even allow coworkers to read my emails. I have a privacy screen on my computer at work so anyone who might enter my workspace is unable to read what might be on my screen.

Still, some idiot has managed to break into my computer THREE TIMES.

One idiot actually stole the computer right off of my desk. Seriously now. Do you really want to know what I have to say that much? Come talk to me. I will give you a piece of my mind.

It is really beginning to pi$$ me off.


And you guys wonder why I have to disappear every now and then. I guess I just explained that.



Today, it took 15 minutes to load my dad gum settings.


So if I am gone for awhile, you all will please understand.



Schlag, please be very careful with allowing your wife access to your work computer.

My headaches are actually from INTERNAL sources, if you can believe this.


Seriously.


Threadjack over.

SB
schoolbus, it's probably me but your point here escapes me. Why should Schlag "be very careful" allowing his wife access to his work computer? Do you hink that she might steal his data?


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Originally Posted by schoolbus
I cannot allow anyone access to my work email. Period. I can't even allow coworkers to read my emails. I have a privacy screen on my computer at work so anyone who might enter my workspace is unable to read what might be on my screen.

Fortunately, there is a solution for this. If you can't be transparent in your work computer, you can get another job. And that is exactly what Schlag should do. Since his affairs have been initiated on his work computer, then he needs to find another occupation where monitoring of his computer is possible. There is no little job that is worth sacrificing a marriage over.

So yes, schoolbus, you could give him access to your work email if you had another job. The fact that your husband does NOT have such access means your marriage is at risk. And Schlag's marriage is not going to survive that kind of risk.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by schoolbus
Schlag, please be very careful with allowing your wife access to your work computer.
\
That is outrageous and destructive advice given that his marriage won't make it unless he becomes completely transparent. His affairs have been conducted AT WORK, after all. The success or failure of his marriage depends on that transparency. There is no silly job that is worth his marriage. Read his wife's post from today and you will understand how destructive this advice is:

Originally Posted by Amy
So........I just found out that they can't do away with his internet at work and I can't put any keyloggers or phone spyware on anything at work. Almost all of his women and affairs took place while he was at work. (Well, not the sex part, just the talking and getting to that point) He says that a polygraph is the only way to have trust in that area. I can't live my life poly to poly! In the mean time, I'm anxious and scared and wondering what he's doing and if he can fool the poly, etc. Then we pay hundreds of dollars all while I sit there and die of anxiety.

This is so horrible. I feel SO SO physically sick ALL THE TIME. He's done so many things that I don't know which one to concentrate on at any moment. They are all intensely painful in so many different ways. I just want to run away.

Her not knowing is causing her emotional and physical damage, so his main problem is not the security of a silly work computer, but the mental and physical health of HIS WIFE. He needs to be "careful" with his marriage and his wife's mental health. Screw his work computer!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Quote
Schlag, please be very careful with allowing your wife access to your work computer.
Why?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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