The good parts you mentioned in your update are good, as far as Plan A moments go. They don't mean what you hope they mean for the long run. Your description is still full of .

Don't let a few better moments sidetrack you from your plan. This A is still going on, and you still urgently need to get yourself out of the chaos.

Till you have some healing time, you won't even be in a position to judge whether you should be with WH or not.

Another update:

First I want to thank some of you who really pushed me to see how important spending quality time out of the house with my husband is. I always thought it wasn't doable, and didn't think we could afford to spend the money on a babysitter. Unless my mother was available to watch our kids, we didn't go out. We were spending less than a few hours of quality time together a week at best for years.

We've made it work into our budget, and have been spending more time together than we have in years. When we're not on our dates, we've been spending time together in the house. We now play games together, garden together, and just sit and talk instead of zoning out in front of the television at night.

The issue of his coworker still hasn't come up. I continue to monitor his cell phone history online via our cell phone provider. He has not called, or been called by her in about a month now. There have been no texts, facebooking, lunches and so forth. My husband has continued bringing in his own lunch and eats at his desk or we go to lunch together. Often he calls me now on his lunch break and we talk over the phone.

I'm not saying the issue won't come back up, or that everything is perfect now. But I can feel in just a months time of meeting his EN's for SF and RC and spending that quality time together it feels like we're back to when we were dating. I can't remember a time since when we've gotten along so well in years.

I think he was seeking attention from the OW because our marriage was severely lacking in various areas. I know now I wasn't meeting his EN's and he wasn't meeting mine either. We couldn't when we had two children around us all of the time and never spent any time together or just talked. I think this EA was caught early on and I am hopeful that working on our marriage and fulfilling each others needs will be enough to thwart another. As well as my husbands agreement to have better boundaries.

I really appreciate all of the advice, and the MB principals. I don't feel like we'd be in this place we're currently in had I not come here.

Great. Continue to be the best wife you can be for him to build up your account in his love bank.
He might have a prepaid secret cell to communicate with OW though. Keep this in mind.

Another update:

Last week my H finally caved and admitted to his coworker why he wasn't going to lunches with her anymore. He told her it had become an issue in our marriage. Prior to last week he had just been avoiding her, but I guess she was pretty insistent he come to lunch with her and her girlfriend last week.

She then tried to give him relationship advice, and told him that he is not giving me enough affection. She also mentioned how she divorced her last husband because she likes being "independent" and can't live having someone telling her what to do.

I don't think my husband gave me all of the details, I think he also watered down what he did share with me. My husband said he became irritated with her because she wouldn't just accept he couldn't go and she was being pushy, he also said he didn't care to hear relationship advice from a twice divorced 29-year-old who believes she's an expert because she once took a relationship course at college. He said that we've managed to make our marriage work for almost a decade now, and he considers himself happy and in love with me and that he doesn't need advice from her.

I told him I was surprised to hear he'd be upset by her response (basically that I am insecure and dominating) and rather would think he'd feel validated since he thinks the same thing. He said that is not the case, that he just didn't like feeling like he was the bad guy - but that he gets now that this is something I believe in and is a separate issue. Before he said he felt like I was questioning his commitment and was accusing him of trying to have an affair, so he felt defensive. He also thinks that maybe she was after more than friendship based on how she responded.

Part of me wondered if he was blowing smoke up my you know what. Placating me. But my husband is not a dumb man, and he knows by him telling me she said I was insecure and controlling cuts off any chance we go and hang out together. He also wouldn't have said I may have been right about her motives, because he knows now he cannot be her friend under any circumstances now.

So I believe his response was real and I feel relieved that he told her what was up, didn't buy into her bashing of me, and in the end agrees with me that things may have not been as innocent as he thought.

Why would your husband ever be talking to ANY woman about the status of your marriage?

AM

Trust - but only what you can verify.

imo, most men would leave the speech at home and leave it at 'thanks but no thanks' when a woman was 'persistent'

I would keep the snooping at bloodhound level. Play dumb though - he will mess up faster

gaillajn,

I agree that you probably don't have the full story about their interactions at work.

You KNOW based on MB concepts that this OW is now always going to be a threat to your M. And your H has admitted to still engaging in intimate conversation with her...but skillfully framed it in a way to make you feel "safe" about it...when there is nothing safe about it at all.

If you had caught this budding relationship "very early" and he GOT it, he would be practicing ExtraOrdinary Precautions and not having any type of conversation with her other than professional.

I am going to urge you to get your H out of there as soon as possible.

Gail, about 6 weeks ago your H said he would look for another job. What's the story on his job search? (Although I suspect I already know the answer.)

Have you considered going to Plan B yet? Your H's actions are screaming for some sort of resolution - by YOU. He's obviously not going to stop his behaviors, regardless of whether they bother you or not.

He is obviously in contact with the OW. They have taken their EA up a notch by putting the point out there about you being concerned about their relationship. This will heighten the tension between them and may push them even closer together if they aren't already. Look at her response - to give him relationship advice??

This is not good, Gail.

I should clarify that I wanted him to tell her the reason behind him not going to hang out with her anymore. He did not want to give her the reason. I don't think his intention was to have a conversation with her regarding our marriage, but rather to tell her his marriage and putting me first is the reason he can no longer meet with her for lunch. Of course this opened the door for her to comment on our marriage.

I guess maybe it could push them closer together. However, I felt if he didn't tell her why it would only be a matter of time before he caved to one of her invites. Just saying no thanks to lunch over and over and over again is going to provoke her to ask him what is up eventually or he is going to feel guilt over it and maybe think "well I haven't gone in months, just once won't hurt" especially if there were other people present. I feel both of them knowing that by hanging out and spending time together they are violating our agreement and putting our marriage in jeopardy draws a clear line in the sand and makes it more difficult for either of them to chalk up their lunches as friendly and harmless. Even if neither has any ill intentions, there is zero attraction between them and it really is strictly platonic - it will create issues in our marriage.

The other thing is I have heard repeatedly how "gossipy" his office is, and it is mostly women who work there. If not this woman, I am sure there will be another down the road. I'd rather his coworker go and tell everyone he has a crazy wife who won't allow him to go to lunches with women and women to get the hint. If everyone in the office knows about it, it makes it more awkward and less friendly looking should he decide to go to hang out with one of his female coworkers again.

MaritalBliss - I did not push the other job issue. He is relocating to a new office in January.

I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. For months things have been going well, so well I started forgetting to check his cell phone and track things. I was uploading some photos he took on his phone from a party and glanced at his text messages, sure enough there were quite a few. The two of them joking back and forth, and several messages saying saying "coffee?" -- I went into our bank account and in the past week there have been four purchases to a coffee shop right near his office. I don't know if they're going together to get this coffee, I imagine so since it's two blocks from the office. I don't know if it even matters because the thought of him buying coffee for her really makes my blood boil.

I found this two nights ago. I haven't approached him about it yet because I'm deciding do I wait until I have something more concrete or do I just throw his [censored] out.

I know he'll say they didn't go together, that he just picked one up for her. He'll probably lie and say she paid him back too or that she gave him money and he just bought himself a pastry or something (the charges are only around $5-6 right about what two coffees would cost, but could be coffee and a pastry)

He always has a reason and excuse.

Gaillajn,

Things have NOT been going well for months. Maybe, you thought so, but there were all kinds of red flags in your previous few posts. This affair never ended, just went underground until they got a little sloppy again.

Did you ever read how to survive an affair on this site? MB is a proven plan that works, if implemented. The successful people on here have applied the plan without deviation. You are either unfamilar with MB principles or have decided to pick and choose.

AM

Time to restart tracking & checking.

Put a GPS on his vehicle and a VAR in his vehicle.

Park across the street from the coffee shop and .... wait/watch.
You need to know for sure.

I thought I was following it. I initially tried a plan A approach and realized we weren't meeting a lot of each others emotional needs, specifically recreational companionship. I arranged for babysitters, dates, started meeting him for lunch once a week, etc. I never pushed things to a plan B because as far as I knew for the past couple of months they weren't talking and he's leaving his location coming up in a couple of months.

I feel like this is what I need to do. I need something concrete that he can't lie or wiggle out of to move to a plan B. The hard part will be not saying anything in the mean time because I feel so angry right now.

Anger is a quick & easy response to fear. Anger feels good for a second, because it replaces the fear. But it rarely pays long lasting dividend, because the fear is still there, waiting.
Self control is a skill that you can use the rest of your life.
Self control is empowering, and THAT pays long term dividends when dealing with our fears.

Smile.
Hum.
Play music.

gaillajin. You did very well in keeping your cool. I know how hard that is after finding continued contact. They are getting comfortable and sloppy which means you have a good chance of getting some concrete proof.

You will always be in a better position having concrete proof. It makes it harder to paint you as the jealous insecure wife.

Start getting your Plan B ducks in a row. Can you now see the importance of WH leaving that employment to break the addiction?

Many of us were concerned about you, as I recall, because you were buying into some of the stuff your WH was babbling about not liking the OW and not being friendly w/her anymore etc. I think he somewhat had convinced you that it was not an EA or at least that you didn't need to worry about his interactions with OW anymore...

What is the story about him leaving his job? When is that happening and do you have third party verification? I am concerned that your H will not really leave when the time comes...because we know waywards lie lie and then lie some more...specially regarding anything to do with the OW.

He is stuck in the addiction part of it. Those feel good chemicals are still topping his brain. This time get the goods, and then it will have to be a full on nuclear EXPOSURE to work. Can you find her on facebook and copy her friends now? Get ready for EXPOSURE, a couple week Plan A, and the DARK Plan B.

I thought I was following it. I initially tried a plan A approach and realized we weren't meeting a lot of each others emotional needs, specifically recreational companionship. I arranged for babysitters, dates, started meeting him for lunch once a week, etc. I never pushed things to a plan B because as far as I knew for the past couple of months they weren't talking and he's leaving his location coming up in a couple of months.

Just remember...this is like putting an alcoholic in a bar and then being angry that they took a drink. He will not be able to control himself around the OW and he will continue to lie to you so long as there is any contact. Keep your cool and get everything lined up. You can do this!