gail, you already have all you need in order to proceed to Plan B. You don't need to prove to him that he has betrayed your marriage. He already knows that.

We cautioned you on what would inevitably happen if they continued to work together. It's not something I like to be right about.

It doesn't matter what he's doing in a few months. The fact is that they are still working together.

I agree, and yes I see now that this will keep going and going if he has contact with her. Many months ago we found out that he was likely going to be relocated to a different location and last month we found out for certain that it is happening in early 2012. They've already opened the new office, and are in the process of transferring things. So that solves the issue of the two of them working at the same location - but for a couple more months there will be contact.

I've been looking at cell phone trackers today and am trying to decide which one to go with. I know I can't say anything yet because I have nothing that shows they're going together. I do have proof they're communicating via text, but that is all.

Things have really ramped up the past couple of weeks. I had a look at our cell phone records this morning and see they're calling each other again in addition to the texting on a daily basis and the coffee meetups. I find that their text messages to each other are vague and I think that is intentional. There was one from two weeks ago that said something like "I'm almost finished" right around lunch time which I think was probably one waiting on the other to go out. I noticed there have been a couple of ATM transactions near his work in the past month as well which I think was probably to cover up lunches. Both of them are aware they're not supposed to be going anywhere together alone, so I think she's in on it and being vague as well. There have been three texts in the past week regarding coffee but never a specific mention of meeting up to go. I think they spend most of their time communicating on office lines, and through their office email and of course in person. I wish there was a way to see records of those conversations.

I just don't see how I can expose this to his HR Dept or our family friends and her family friends with a text that says "coffee?"

I can't even convince my mother and best friend that he is emotionally cheating on me. I don't see how I would convince a bunch of strangers.

When will you be installing the VAR/GPS? My guess is you will get proof pretty quickly.

Susie, my husband takes public transportation to work so I won't find much using a VAR. Even the GPS likely won't unveil much because he works downtown and everything is within a few blocks of his office (coffee shops, restaurants, etc) and it doesn't prove he was with anyone. I just logged into our bank account and see he went to a deli about an hour ago but I don't know if it was alone or with her.

Probably the most useful feature of the cell phone tracker would be that I would see all text messages should he decide to delete any. But I think they're past using texts for more than vague brief messages, so I'm not even sure how much that'll help.

Gail, I'm not suggesting you expose this to HR. I'm suggesting you go to Plan B. You have enough proof to explain to your H that he has continued to cruelly deceive you and that you will no longer tolerate such abuse.

Or are you planning on gritting your teeth and allowing the EA to continue unhampered by your interference? You've already seen what happens when you confront WH about it. They went underground. They'll dig back in after you confront him and will try to cover their tracks better. THAT'S what will happen if you confront him with evidence and expect him to do something to protect your M. He's already shown you that his M is not his priority.

What is it YOU want to do? What is your goal? Your goal a few months ago was to continue allowing them to work together, hope your WH was telling the truth about ending the friendship, and hanging in there until he got to his new job in January.

That didn't happen. They went underground.

What is your goal NOW?

I don't know, I fell so confused and hurt right now and part of me still worries that maybe I am that insecure wife that everyone outside of this forum seems to think I am.

I feel if I throw him out with some lunches and texts and possibly coffee people will think I am nuts. I picture him getting all of the sympathy and validation, especially from his coworker who has already tried to paint me as an insecure woman. I worry that it may also push the two of them closer and into a PA.

What people are thinking and doing outside of your marriage is immaterial. The two people who count are you and your WH. The point isn't that it's 'just' lunch and texts. The point is that you explained to your WH that you were uncomfortable with his relationship with OW and he has completely disrespected your wishes. It's not a matter of degree.

No, continued contact will do that. If it hasn't already.

My marriage is ending and my situation is almost identical to your situation. The longer the two of them do this the more likely PA. He knows he is doing something wrong, so kill the affair when you can. Your marriage can survive his anger. It cannot survive his current behavior.

You are not insecure and it is okay to be jealous. Your husband is meeting her EN's and she is meeting his EN's. You have every right to feel threatened by this. Your WH is doing the contrast effect at the moment. He is getting to a place he is comparing you and her. He is likely seeing her in a better light because he doesn't see her fart, burp, raise kids, without coffee, or in any light that isn't positive. He knows your warts and all, and that is what he is comparing. It isn't fair, and it is part of the fantasy. He is fantasizing this relationship without any form of reality.

Kill the Affair and kill his fantasy. Make yourself into the wife he married. Do it now before it goes physical (likely may have!!)

Why not try it and see what pops up? I think they are getting comfortable and sloppy. The vague coffee texts may have been a test to see if you noticed.

Give it a shot while getting your Plan B ready.

Alright I found a tracker that will work with his phone model. It's not terribly expensive either. I'm going to try and install it tonight on his phone if I can get it without him noticing. Hopefully he'll go to bed early like he usually does.

Question: Should I broach him about the coffee thing anyway? That way I can see if it continues and he tries to hide it from me once I have the tracker installed? Or should I say nothing and just watch. Because they see each other so much at work and have land lines I doubt I'm going to get anything terribly juicy from his text messages but maybe I can see with the tracker he's deleting them in the future and it'll show me how far he's willing to go to lie to me?

I have an hour before he's home from work. I know I can resist saying anything, but I don't think I can hide that I'm upset. I've never been good with concealing my emotions and I'm upset to the point I have felt like throwing up on and off today and have other stomach issues. He usually picks up something is off, even when I try my best to hide it.

Do I lie to him if he does notice something seems off and pretend it's something to do with work, or come out with it?

NO. Don't alert him. If you're going to snoop his texts you don't want to give him a head's up that you're wondering anything. You'll tip your hand and he'll stop using it. It appears that he is becoming sloppy, thinking you're no longer suspicious. Don't give him a reason to believe otherwise.

Agree with marital. Please resist the temptation to think you can reason with him about his communications with OW. He isn't going to be straight with you...

Claim terrible PMS for being upset and not feeling well.

It's done. I feel sick with worry he's going to find it on his phone. I told him last night my stomach hurt and I ended up staying in bed most of the night to avoid any conversation.

We'll see what happens.

Gail - you'll begin truly recovering when you don't care as much about what other people think of you.

here's how you will know you're at that point:

Prep for Plan B - His suitcases are packed and delivered to his office. Plan B letter enclosed. Locksmith has already changed the locks.

Your intermediary calls: She knows you're in contact. She knows you're having secret little trysts - even if it's just for lunch or even coffee.

Him: How does know? She doesn't have any proof. This is ridiculous!

Intermediary: From here on out, you get to prove that you're not. As long as you're working there, you don't get to live with her. I'll be handling any necessary communication between the two of you. Here is my email address and my cell phone #.

See? no defensiveness. You don't handle the confrontation. The letter and your intermediary handle it.

You get on with your life. No more false recovery.

There are very specific behaviors a wayward ready for recovery will do. He's nowhere near those behaviors. Have your intermediary get trained by Mel. If you don't have an intermediary, get one today. Don't worry about GPS or anything else. You already know. You don't have to prove. Expose that he's still cheating. He can spin it however he likes. You don't care what other people think. Repeat until you believe it!

Do you all have a car that he uses at all? If you do, I would still install the VAR and GPS. You don't only have to worry about him calling, texting or visiting her during work hours.

Good for you, gail! Let us know what you find. Steel yourself so you don't blow up if you find something incriminating. You don't want him to know anything until you are ready to act.

Well it will be a week tomorrow since I've been monitoring and no messages have been sent or received, as well as no phone calls. Starting to think maybe I am just crazy.