Alright, you're doing better, you'll find that all of these actions combined with a good Plan A (not Plan Doormat)will give you the best chance.

No wayward likes to have their actions exposed to people that they feel accountable to - shame is a very powerful emotion - and it often kills the fantasy immediately when the wayward sees the first of potentially many real life consequences to their actions.

Still didn't answer my question about how your wife's first marriage ended, could have bearing on your current situation.

Take note of the progress you�ve made by taking action and setting aside your fear. Continue with the fa�ade of coolness and self confidence. Weepy and whiny will get you nowhere while emulating James Bond will help get your wife to the point where she at least respects you.

Expect for her to go through withdrawal but keep your eyes open that it didn�t simply go further underground, which is very likely what she�ll try.

Tell her that no contact is non-negotiable and do so with complete calm.

Your greatest weapon in this fight is complete calm and coldness when dealing with the affair. Outbursts of anger will only feed her reasons for wanting to leave you as she will twist these things into justifications for her affair and for leaving you. Don�t give her the ammo.

I am told that WW's first M ended because both of them wanted out of the M. WW first husband left her but he just barely beat her out the door. Yes, there was an A at the end of WW's first M. This was discovered after her first H had already left. So, WW does have a bit of a track record with doing this. I have gathered this information from talking with WW and my in-laws over the years.

I am already seeing signs of withdrawal which makes me think that I really Ned to be mindful of whether the NC actually happens. Right now, I am feeling like I have a relatively short window to work with. I am predicting that once WW starts work she will be finding an apartment and I would guess get back on touch with OM. I see it going one of a couple of ways. Either she stays in the house long enough with NC with OM that she can begin to actually want to work on recovery OR she moves out and realizes that she will not be seeing the kids regularly and that will affect her OR she moves out and realizes that this OM can not fulfill her ENs. She is very difficult to talk with right now (since her agreement to my demands). That doesn't make for an easy plan A but I am plugging away just the same.

This isn't clear to me, ss.

Who had the affair at the end of WW's first marriage - her or her XH?

If it was her XH, how does she "have a bit of a track record with doing this"?

Did she have an affair before this current one?

WW had an A toward the end of her first M. I think she justified it by telling herself that she had already left the M. That didn't ever make sense to me and we had talked about that a few times since our relationship had begun.

I guess what I was trying to say was my WW has a history of being W.

SS, if you kill the affair, she will have no reason to move out. Your best shot at killing the affair is contacting the OMW and killing the affair that way. Additionally, you should be doing a facebook exposure on the OM. If you expose to his parents and his family, the affair has no future.

Please get moving, my friend. Time is a wasting!

I wouldn't believe anything your wife said about her previous marriage, given what you know now it is probable that her first marriage ended because of her infidelity, and I suspected as much.

You have your work cut out for you, SS, and it's not going to be an easy road. Who was it that pushed for wanting to be a SAHM, you or your wife? What is really going to change between the two of you if she gets a job, other than having to put your kids in daycare?

We had discussed things regarding WW first M before WW and I were even engaged. I hear you about not trusting anything that comes out of her mouth right now but I don't know that she would have lied about the conditions of her first M ending way back then. I don't know, maybe she would have. I don't know anymore.

What would be different would be that she basically free to do whatever she wanted if she was out of the house. Right now I have at least some leverage with her which I am now using to stop the A for the time being. That pretty much goes away when she leaves. I found out tonight that OM has plans to move to the local area some time early next year. Not a good sign. I am having a tough tome right now staying positive when WW won't even discuss things. She is telling more and more people that our M is over. I am pretty much screwed the way I look at it right now.

You've got to exposed OM near and far such that he second guesses his plans to move there. I've not been following your thread closely but are you in a small community or say a minority community within a community? Don't know why I'm thinking you're Asian or Indian...maybe I stereotyped your profession somewhere along the line. Anyway...full exposure within that community may make OM second guess coming to town. He'll figure what's the point as he'll always be looked down upon there AND/OR he REALLY doesn't fully intend to move (doesn't he have kids 1000 miles away????) so your exposure just gives him the excuse he needs to be a really good sex chasing OM saying all the right things ("sure...I'll move there...next year" wink-wink-nudge-nudge) without ever actually having to move there.

Waywards make grand gestures and fantasy plans all the time. It's part of the soulmate fantasy...that all to often ends up never happening when push comes to shove. Exposure helps facilitate both "push" and "shove". Instead of NEXT YEAR...you're wife starts saying "right now" and OM starts backpedaling and they both realize it's NOT GONNA HAPPEN and never was.


Mr. Wondering

I hope you are right. I hope this all just talk on his part. I for one don't know how you can think of abandoning your own child the way OM would be doing if he relocates. I understand that OM will be relocating locally to continue his degree at a local University. Doesn't add up. He is going to be quitting his job, beginning child support/alimony payments, and attending school... Not sure how that will all be funded. If WW is picking up the tab then she can have him. She is not vetting any support from me at that point. To answer your questions, no we don't live in a real small community so I don't think exposure would work the way you describe. I don't fit the minority profile you describe either. You must have me confused with someone else.

I think my angle on this is to keep the discussion going with WW about how things will be in the future. Things like no contact between our kids and OM, we will not be "good friends" getting along and being happily separated, I am not sticking around waiting for her to snap out of this for ever, her family life will be completely different, her access to the kids will be limited...

Who told you this? Your WW? Because this sounds like one of those empty promises adulterers make to each other. My H was going to ride into the sunset on a horse with his OW.

The man's never been on a horse in his life.

If your WW said it, it's more than likely one of those over-blown promises he made to her in the heat of the moment.

If it IS true, you now have a solid timeline to beat. I would say to bang out as big an exposure as you can. Right now. Give him a nice 'welcome' to your world.

Quote

I don't know that she would have lied about the conditions of her first M ending way back then. I don't know, maybe she would have. I don't know anymore.

Perhaps this is what she'll be telling husband #3 about you, that your marriage was basically over when she decided to cheat.

I wouldn't focus so much on what the OM is, or will be, doing beyond what the others are stressing about exposing. If you don't get to the bottom of what is wrong inside with your wife, there'll be another OM in the future even if this one goes away when you up the risk level by exposing.

Do you get much UA time with your wife? Do you both try to make time for each other beyond taking care of the kids? Along with POJA, this is probably the most important part of MarriageBuilders.

You're not screwed, SS, just have to make some changes within yourself and then start leading by example. Your wife will se e these changes and how hard you're working to build a new marriage and will then decide if she is going to put some effort into it with you or pull the plug. Can't see her wanting to be a twice divorced woman with kids when she sees things for how they really are.

To do this, you have to stop worrying about what could happen. What's the worst that could happen - that you get divorced right? Well, it seems that you're already on that track unless you change your marriage. It's like worrying about when you're going to die when we all know that eventually we will. What's the best thing to do? Make it the best life you can, eat right and take care of yourself, and not worry about when it's going to end. So right now, you try to make it the best marriage that you can and not worry about something that may not happen. Put the effort into revitalizing your marriage through this program and you will extend the life of your marriage.

Coming from another BH who balked at the idea of exposure, you MUST expose. I did finally expose but I believe it would have been extremely more effective if I had done it at the beginning instead of six months later.

My WW is still mad about it and says "I would have tried to work things out if you hadn't told everyone MY business." Do I believe that? NO! I believe she's just too embarrassed and shameful over the fact that people actually know her reason for leaving was more than just "he was a horrible husband" as she tells it.

Do I regret it? NO! I can sleep easy knowing 1) I did everything to fight for my family and 2) people know the truth.

I urge you. EXPOSE,EXPOSE, EXPOSE. Do it for your marriage and family. Do it for you.

WW did not tell me. I was able to gain access to WW FB account last night finally and she had a message to a friend of hers talking about how her friend (OM) was moving to the area in the next 6 months and would be attending the local University to continue his degree. WW was asking her friend about how OM might go about finding work in the field he is working toward.

I thought that I had a good chance for surviving this A since OM was 1000 miles away with family commitments. Now, I am not so hopeful.

I am now ramping up the exposure. I had 2 dead ends yesterday with trying to track down OMW. I have a few more things places to try before I will just contact a PI.

6 months is not a lot of time. Failure to expose now means a possible permanently doomed marriage.

Read the first post on this thread.

A PI can get you everything you need to know for about $100.

I have been getting more and more UA time with WW. That has helped. We have the 2 small kids which eat up a ton of the day to day time but I have been setting up dates with the WW and also other times where we are able to just get out and go for a jog or work on a project together. We still work really well together. I am pushing every day to make changes in my life. To better myself. I have come to terms with some major issues that I have been avoiding for a long long time (1/2 my life). I am coming to terms with the reality that a D is a real possibility.

SS, I would work very hard to find the OMW ASAP. That will be your best tool against this affair.